Yora,

I am very sorry to hear about your cousin's death. What a terrible shock: as you say, one expects death related to age or illness, and while it is not less sad, it is easier to brace oneself when one has warning.

Here's something you say:
And now I keep dealing with it mostly by observing my own reactions. Which are actually quite interesting. But that's not what is supposed to happen!

Actually, your experience is not unusual. It is normal, even typical: as you note, your father seems to be taking this calmly as well. Grief is more than sad feelings. It can include anger, fear, and numbness.

When my mother died, I too had a day or two of numbness before I felt anything. Like you, I was mostly in a state of intense self-awareness, almost as if I was watching myself. It was very weird, and unpleasant. But it is one way of grieving, and also a form of dealing with frightening or disturbing news. For you, it might last a long or a short time. It might stay the same, or change to tears or anger. Grief is personal. No two people grieve in precisely the same way, and even the same person does not grieve the same way twice.

There is no one way it is supposed to happen.

If you do go to the funeral services and memorial, you will see for yourself that there are many ways of grieving. You will also see, as I did at my mother's funeral, that very little is expected of you. As Succubus says, if someone wants to talk, just listen, and maybe offer to hold them if you are both comfortable with that. Funerals are one of the only times a person can say absolutely nothing, and nothing is often the right thing to say. Nodding as you listen, handing someone a cup of hot tea, a squeeze of a hand or pat on the shoulder ... these are the ways people offer comfort at funerals and wakes.

Mostly, the parents and siblings of your cousin will be glad you are there. And I assure you, your presence does matter to them. They won't want you to say anything, because there is nothing that can be said. Except, possibly, "I love you ..."

You really can't say "I love you" too much at a funeral.

Take care, Yora.


Kitty,

Best of luck with your quest. Please let us know how it goes. Lots of people here, including me, care about your health.


-Monkey