My Little Pony LII: 525.600 Ponies!

[Pokonic]

Want a pony?

Did I get your attention? Alright then!

One last time, I hope ... I did a really careful editing of my story, but I bet there are still issues left that I've missed.

So, anyone want to give it a good look? I'll offer a drawing of some kind to whoever does a thorough job, and soon, because I'm tired of this and just want to resubmit it so I can move on to the next chapter.

A drawing of whichever two ponies you like, you can't say no!

Here are the most important things you should look for:

* comma splices, and commas/semicolons in general.
* direct thoughts that aren't italicized, or which are quoted instead
* obnoxiously stacked descriptors, apparently, maybe?
* anything that isn't Dash's perspective. This story is supposed to be from her perspective, I don't want to give the idea that the narrator is omniscient.
* anything else, anything at all

MINE. MINE. "Hiss"

Expect something soon-ish.

EDIT: Looks good, actualy. Little that needed to be changed (all on the third chapter, surprisingly), but here you go:

Spoiler

Show

Several bat-winged ponies greeted them on their way.

Considering they had already met a few of them, I cannot help that there should be a "more" stuck inside this sentance. Otherwise, it looks odd-ish.

and didn't really want to talk to her about it all either.

"all" could probably be removed. It's not needed for the overall sentence.

It was so hard to talk about this. Dash wanted to kick herself for looking so weak.

Would read better as one sentance. IE "It was so hard to talk about this, and Dash wanted to kick herself for looking so weak."

Shamans from my home need a great skill, to do what you have of their own will

UNEEDED COMMA UNEEDED COMMA AND YOU CALL YOURSELF A WRITER Does not seem like a pause is needed in this sentance, and the addition of the comma makes it seem like Zecora cannot speak a sentance without breathing.

Amusingly, you seem to be clear in all the catagories you picked out.