D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

[Dr Bwaa]

I'm really sorry to anyone who has actually been reading my snippets that I haven't posted anything in ages. I'm working on it; I promise. There's just a lot to get through, I've been busy with real work, and I'm trying to make some major changes to the way I create the narrative (specifically I'm trying to be okay with making it longer, which I'm finding harder than expected). If you're lucky I'll post something this weekend, but don't count on it (why would you when all these wonderful other people keep dropping great material on the thread?).

COMMENT DUMP HOORAY

@mebecronck

Spoiler

Show

"Now, Mr. Cronc, let me begin by saying how happy I am with you for coming in to see me." Dr. Rhodes says in a calm voice, hiding his fear by flipping through his notebook, "This is the first step in managing your anger issues."

Great scene-setting. I am laughing already.

"Wuy Cronc lae on cowt?" Cronc barked out.

Personally I think just "barked" is better here; "barked out" seems redundant and awkward to me.

"No! Cronc wunt lae on cowt!"

"Okay?!..."

This bugged me a bit. We do know that Dr. Rhodes is frightened, but presumably a professional counselor would not be phased in the slightest by people seeming to change their minds suddenly; certainly he would not show it in his voice. It comes off as extremely unprofessional for no good reason (it's not like Cronc did something frightening, in which case I would have understood the slip).

Cronc tries to repeat the word, forcing each syllable. He does not know what it means and thinking about it is giving him a headache.

Minor point here, but we should know by now whether Cronc did, in fact, lie down on the couch. We find out later that he did, but I think it should be mentioned, perhaps the paragraph before this while Dr. Rhodes is speaking.

"OHHH! Cronc bracke tings reel gud!" Cronc shouted with joy, as he jumped up from the couch, axe in hand.

Haha, saw that coming. Don't say "break things"; what were you thinking Dr. Rhodes!? I'd love a description of Cronc's face here--I'm picturing him grinning and looking around at all the nice things in the room--but I want to see you describe his grin, and at this point, it would be even better if, when you set the scene originally, you mentioned one or two particularly exciting things to break (windows, walls, priceless artifacts, etc...). That way when we get here we're thinking about all the nice stuff that's about to get trashed...

A sign in front of a lot filled with debris. Reads simply, "Practice of Dr. Rhodes - Closed due to lack of building."

There's no reason not to use complete sentences here.

Cronc approaches him and pats him on the back, knocking the doctor down.

"Cronc du reel gud, yah!"

Haha. Great end, though it does bring up a question: why is Cronc still around, and only just mentioning what a good job he did, when Dr. Rhodes has had enough time to get out of the debris, assess the situation, go buy paint, and create and put up a sign about his lack of building?

I definitely vote for you doing a series of shorts on this, because they are hilarious

@PaperMustache
Amolarr II

Spoiler

Show

Malakar, however, was weak for the wellbeing of his tribesmen.

This seems like a weird phrase to me. Your intent is clear enough, but this could be read as "he chose to be physically weak, because that was in the best interests of his tribesmen", which is obviously not what you're going for.

wiping the sleep from their eyes over hot tea and biscuits.

I originally read this as "wiping the sleep from their eyes with hot tea and biscuits" and the resulting mental image was hilarious

“One of ‘ems a good man, the other’s a scheming evil maniac like you” he grumbled back, sharper than I had anticipated. I opted to ignore the insult for the present, mostly because he was right.

Lol.

“Way I see it, the dwarves want Soluth, and all the noble types want Kathul” he reasoned,

There should be a comma just before the termination of the quote, and this spelling of 'Kathul' is inconsistent with the spelling you used it the first paragraph.

“If we take too long, everyone will suffer” I replied, setting the final trap, “including your precious tribes who rely on these people for trade.”

“The tribes of Falcon and Salamander have no business with this city” he retorted indignantly, “only the northern tribes rely on Amolar.”

“You’re right” I conceded as the trap closed in around him, “how ignorant of me. I was under the impression that you cared for all the tribes.”

The "trap" does not come across clearly enough here, in my opinion. The only trap I see is the guilt-trip all-the-tribes-all-of-them thing, but I don't really see how tricking Malakar into implying he only cares for some tribes and then pointing out this contradiction would be an effective negotiation technique. Or at least, it's unclear why that would be any more affective than just pointing out that he cares about all the tribes in the first place. It makes the "professional negotiator of my status" line in the next paragraph feel weak, because you haven't convinced me that you're a good negotiator yet.

Only Bronn failed to join my cause. He sat quietly as I argued with the barbarian.

This is referring to the conversation that just finished, yes? If so, it needs to be in a past-er tense (Past Perfect) than the main narrative; otherwise it seems like you and Malakar resolve the issue, the fighter falls into line, and then suddenly you and Malakar are arguing again. "He'd remained quietly seated [editor's note: "He'd sat quietly" works too, but I just don't like "had sat"] while I had argued with the barbarian."

My people will suffer and evil will have won if another noble sits on the council.”

This seems a bit melodramatic, even for a Paladin. Maybe not melodramatic, maybe...hopeless? "Evil will have won" is very absolute, whereas I see paladins being all about fighting to the last breath whether or not there's even a sliver of hope left. "won a great battle"; "struck a terrible blow"; those are the sorts of less-absolute-yet-still-dire-sounding phrases that I'd feel are more appropriate for a paladin in this situation.

“then I shall rejoin you after this matter has been dealt with.”

Wow, pretty lenient for a paladin. Unless he's planning to "rejoin" them with a bunch of troops under his command to arrest them for crimes against all that is Good and Holy, in which case awesome.

His offices were difficult to find, and there were armed guards outside.

Okay, what? Anyplace that regularly staffs armed guards outside the door is going to be damn well-known if you ask anyone even remotely familiar with the area. Unless everyone has armed guards outside their offices, in which case why is it worth mentioning?

They initially refused to answer any further questions, but our persistence won out.

I realize that this is a pretty long snippet anyway, but this is the first we've heard of the party's "persistence", and also the last. A concept like persistence should...persist. It needs more elaboration, an earlier introduction and example of them sticking around and specifics about their perstering the guards before you can say "our persistence won out".

Normally supporters proved their loyalty by representing their chosen candidate in the city arena: a bloody spectacle attended by nobles and peasants alike. Success in the arena earned the trust of the candidate.

Starting this with "normally" makes me expect a turnaround "but in our case, we did X to prove our loyalty."

Instead Malakar pressed a crossbow into my hands and very conscendingly taught me the basics of pointing and shooting.

Looooooooollllll. I like the dynamic between these two and I'd love it if you brought it out more.

“Keep your guard up in there, yeh?” He muttered to me with a twinkle in his eye

Is Bronn planning to interfere with the match? Eye-twinkles imply mischief, but Paladins imply punishment for crimes. What does Bronn mean by that?!?!

His presence was a bother and I had no reason to be kind to him.

This sentence is unnecessary.

I was going to get myself and my friends killed because I never bothered to hone my battle casting skills.

I love the arrogance. Even when she's decided she's screwed, she's completely sure that her party will not possibly survive without her.

I had grown comfortable with them. I knew their weaknesses, how to argue them into submission, how to ruin them.

AWESOME.

I used this realization to strengthen my resolve.

How? This line is a cop-out.

Oh god oh god we’re all going to die.

The back-and-forth is great. You're doing the pre-battle really really well.

Cheers went up from the crowd as the wizard screamed in defeat. We were declared victorious.

Awww. I was hoping they'd get to take out Damien himself.

I glared in defiance. He was wrong, I wasn’t dead yet.

My defiance was short lived.

Really close together to be repeating a stand-out word like this.

I realized that at this rate our supplies would not last long enough to heal us fully after each match.

How many competitors are there? Or put another way, how many matches are there?

“I’m looking for some healing potions” I said casually

Oh hell yes.

If we kept up our winning streak I could very easily make off with plenty of noble jewels and trinkets.

Did she actually steal anything just now? You didn't mention it and it seems like she wouldn't have (necessarily), but this line makes it seem like she had some pickpocketing success that she's basing her judgement on.

“Didn’t I tell you to be on your guard out here?” he chided as if we were friends,

Okay, what? Why did he save her??

When he saw that we were losing, Bronn flung himself into the ring with a mighty bellow.

But WHY? What is his possible motivation here, allying himself against the candidate he supports? If he really cares about the rest of the party, that's news to me!

The paladin was grinning sheepishly and nodding his head.

whyyyyyyyyy

our participation would be enforced by the city guards.

Okay let's be honest here the city guards are probably no threat at all

it clawed at us and sunk it’s fangs into the barbarian’s chest. Howard hacked at the dragons legs

*sank *its *dragon's

Just as it reared its head back to deliver a killing blow to Malakar

Why is it a killing blow? The specificity feels like metagame knowledge seeping into the narrative. Couching the phrase in some more detail would smooth this out "It reared its head back to deliver what would surely have been a killing blow to the panting, beleaguered Malakar, had not Howard finally managed...etc" or something like that (that particular sentence I just wrote is kind of crap but you get the point).

We accepted our rewards, 500 platinum pieces each.

Score!!

I thanked him while imagining what he might look like as a smear of blood reflected infinitely on every surface of the mirror realm.

Not in a great mood, is she?

This was a great snippet; loved the tournament and Kepesk's emotional states came across really well. NEXT!

Amolarr III

Spoiler

Show

I tried to convince them that sweat, mud, and the blood of our enemies would not make for appropriate attire in the presence of a noble outside the arena, but they were beyond reason.

Oh my Gods I love the party interaction even though we rarely get to see it directly. I'm a bit curious why Bronn isn't in the cleanliness camp, though.

Maroon walls seemed to emphasize the disapproving stares of the men in a dozen paintings lining the walls.

You're setting a great scene, though I'm unsure of why maroon walls would be particularly hostile, besides feeling probably a bit dark (but then again, this place is probably comparitively quite bright for an indoor situation anyway, given the setting).

I wondered briefly why he had come at all.

So was I, so I'm glad you explicitly mention here that his reasons for being there are unknown to the narrator as well. It keeps me from feeling like I've missed something.

Once we were all gathered we were lead into the study to meet Kathul.

Comma after gathered, and I've gotta ask--how the heck do you pronounce this guy's name??

“Ah, you must be the heroes from the arena” he droned, “I was quite impressed with your exploits.”

The content of his speech doesn't mesh well with "droned", at least not without more description. If he's acting bored or being otherwise just barely polite enough not to be actually offensive, that should be clarified.

I hated him for a different reason entirely... This man was by far the worst politician I had ever met.

Good to see her priorities are in order. And it's good to see some personal motivation for what I assume will be a rather sound beatdown coming soon after he takes control of the city.

The man in black would be pleased.

Okay, she's working for this dude, sees him in dreams, and so on, but she doesn't have a better name for him than "the man in black"? Even if she doesn't know who he actually is (likely), she would at least have a personal name to refer to him by in her thoughts.

He had just layed out a proposition of fraud in front of a paladin of all people!

Haha, fail. Nothing like trying to bring a plain old horribly-inept politician into a position of power.

I snatched the letter out of his hands before he did something stupid

Given the derision she already holds for this man, I think "stupider" would be appropriate here.

The bastard cut me off. “I know exactly what a group of heroes for hire like you are good for” he sneered

The word "heroes" just begs to be abused, especially considering what he's asking of them.

how to plant this letter in the enemy candidate’s office without the aid of my companions.

Well to be fair, they probably wouldn't have been much help anyway

I layed in my bed

*lay [[see TANGENT]]

I imagined myself climbing through a window in the dead of night, making a spectacle of myself for all the sleeping world to see.

Heheh. Can't tell how much of this is sarcasm and how much isn't, because it's clearly some of each--I like it.

Surely he would indulge me in completing such a simple task.

Oh wow I definitely wouldn't be trying that. In my experience asking favors from incredibly powerful entities rarely--by which I mean never--ends well.

“I am pleased to hear this” the man in black said patiently, though I could see exhaustion in his eyes.

Again, there's this awkward dissonance between calling him just "the man in black" and being intimate enough that they share a blood bond and she's looking deep into his eyes. She's gotta have a better name for him than this.

“I can do this easily” he agreed, I slipped the letter through the mirror and it appeared in his hand, “I will return when it is finished.” He returned seconds later.

“It is finished” he told me

WAT. ...Everything went better than expected, I guess. You could really work the tension here; any genre-savvy reader is going to react like I did when she foists this random demand on him (that is, "oh dear lord she's screwed"); you could definitely milk the interaction for some more drama, even though she is clearly pretty comfortable with him.

“A gift” he smiled, “I have given you a portion of my casting ability. For the next 24 hours you will be able to draw from my power to cast a powerful dominating spell three times. It should be more than enough to secure the cooperation of your companions.”

Ahaahahahahahahaha. Hahahahaa. Ahaha. That is pretty damn boss.

I would not waste this gift on my companions.

I should hope not! That is all kinds of ill-gotten power right there (what are you guys, like level three?); it's time to abuse the everloving hell out of it!

“You are not qualified for this council position” I commanded, drawing on my master’s power, “you should withdraw from the race immediately and put all of your efforts behind Kathul’s campaign.”

“Y-yes” the man blinked in confusion, “yes you’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking. I will start to put my affairs in order and withdraw at once.”

In your other two Dominations, the subject doesn't respond to you, which is pretty much ideal. It shows off your insane powergrab really well. In this case, there's clearly need for him to speak, but I see no reason why Kepesk shouldn't control his reply to her to be as convenient as possible--no stammering, no confusion (after all, he doesn't really have a will of his own at this point), just a nice, convincing show for the two guards. It would make this takeover even more effective, I think, and clarify what kind of power she's actually been granted.

“You are the worst politician I have ever met” I announced to his surprise, “but I have use for you. A glorious purpose.” He opened his mouth to say something stupid.

The only suggestion I'd make here is "I have use for you now" could be "I have a purpose for you now" to better set up the next line.

“You work for me now” I said, using the last of the power the man in black had given me to shut him up, “and you are going to start acting like a real councilman, and then you are going to win and together we will run this city so far into the ground that even the dwarves won’t have use for it.”

Oh man I am all kinds of loving this plotline. Great job with the badass misuse of power; great targets; great dialogue (if it can be called that when one person controls everyone else's parts of the conversation); great descriptions. I am hugely looking forward to the next installment.

@SleepyShadow

Spoiler

Show

The slithering tendrils of film lifted Mr. Long from the balcony and began to assimilate him into its form

Wat.

...No seriously, if a dude is getting assimilated into a filmstrip monster, we need more detail. 'Assimilated' means he must actually be turning into part of the film-monster--that is, turning into filmstrips--himself. And that is a thing that begs for vivid description.

"Here you all shall perish!" he laughed madly. "I offer you all as sacrifices for the glory of Yog-Sothoth!"

...Especially if he's still able to yell. Maybe the problem is just that assimilated is the wrong word?

The swordsage leaped from the balcony, his blade erupting in flame as he fell upon the mass of film.

It seems to me that he'd be more likely to fall into such a foe, rather than upon it. Or perhaps the thing is more solid than I'm picturing it.

the creature pulled itself fully out of the hole in the floor

Where's Derive?

"Nice going," Lupin grumbled loudly as he fired his pistol at the creature.

That seems unlikely to be effective It's a good image though, as I expect they're not really prepared for this sort of occurence.

"Remind me to take Power Attack after this fight," Derive replied as he hacked off yet another thick tendril from the creature.

Lucy's arrows stuck firmly into the top of the beast, though to little effect. "Think we'll level up from this?"

Lupin nodded up at her. "Most likely, assuming we survive."

Haha. And Then Everyone Took A Moment To Eat Pizza And Discuss The New Guild Wars.

Slowly, the convulsions subsided, and the mass of film lay still. Ignoring the hazardous flames around them, Derive cautiously approached the blob and poked it with his index finger.

WHYYYYYYYYYY. Y U DO THAT DERIVE??
Speaking of hazardous flames, wasn't the building burning down a few seconds ago?

A sickening groan resounded throughout the room just before the building collapsed.

Oh there it goes.

"Eww, I don't want to become a vegetable," Lucy whined, sticking out her tongue in disgust.

Hahaha. High Int scores all around.

On it was a rough sketch of a strange symbol akin to having three 'Y's arranged so that the two prongs from each 'Y' made a sort of triangle.

Okay I know describing symbols in text is hard, but that doesn't excuse this sentence.

Fun snippet; I'm really curious why the thing died though, and I feel like there were several places where you could have really hammered the atmosphere a little better--they're fighting a filmstrip-tentacle-abomination that just burst out of the floor in the middle of a theatre. There is all kinds of potential for creepiness, grossness, and general grimdarkitude, but you don't do a lot with it. The monster eventually detonates with enough force to collapse the whole building, but all we get is that it "violently exploded". And why did it explode, anyway. Are any of them even curious about it? It seems like that would be pertinent information.

@Winds

Spoiler

Show

The liches recovered quickly, and simply teleported away.

Wait, she poured the dust on them, too? That sounds even less like a good idea than pouring random dust on strangers locked in temporal stasis usually does.

A new annoyance for my catalog,

Haha, I like to think that he keeps a literal, physical catalog (besides the journal) of things that annoy him.

So when I got there, Jessica and Kol were there already.

No idea where "there" is.

"Unless you're willing to hit them, keep us in fighting condition."

"Vitriol Chain."

Okay, so presumably they're now fighting the liches? Which they found because there was only one way to go, maybe? This could use some serious clarification.

unnatural armor

Lol.

We, of course, were nothing more than an annoyance. No weapon in our possession was able to bypass the unnatural armor their undead nature granted, and my spells were not much more than an annoyance.

I can fling acid and frost and pure dark force. The scout's skills see enemies as pincushions in short order, and a paladin with a holy avenger is a terror to his foes. But in this case, we weren't much more than an annoyance.

How is it we're always the weakest things in it?

I know, right?

Aileph felt bad for her...so much so that he left the celestial horse with her. It meant he was less effective in combat...but he thought it worthwhile.

Woah what? This seems like a Really Big Deal. Why is it not being a Really Big Deal?

Well. I had planning to do.

Oooh. Good to hear. Nice snippet as usual; I'd still love to see more detail in these; more time spent on describing the exotic places they go. You've got a setup with ever-changing scenery and it's a shame to miss the opportunity to lay it all out.

@AIGilstad
Welcome to the Playground! Here's my abbreviated disclaimer: I do a critique on every snippet posted here. If you don't want me to, or if you'd like me to focus on something in particular, tell me; otherwise I do a combination of sort of mid-strength analysys of plot, style, grammar, and so on plus a kind of liveblogging reaction-type post. That's sensible, right?

Spoiler

Show

the long list of world altering abilities I’d accumulated in the last 15 years since I joined the Brotherhood.

*world-altering, and "the last 15 years since I joined the Brotherhood" feels like a few too many words, or too much exposition all at once, or something. Even just taking out "last" would help a lot.

the old kingdom or the new cesspit the people called new kingdoms

If you reorganized this a bit (and stripped out one of the "new"s) it would flow a lot better. "the old kingdom or the cesspit people called the new kingdoms" or something.

Sheila…a whore’s name if the reports were to be believed.

I sense a little hostility here.

What was one death, if it saves hundreds from tyranny? What was one, false politician planted by us, if it keeps the wrong man from winning?

You don't need a comma in "one false politician". Also there's a tense issue here; there's no need to jump to the present tense for the subjunctive bits-- "what was one death, if it saved etc".

the mask I wore cutting off my peripherals as I scanned her body.

This makes me feel like his mask is cutting off his arms and legs. "Peripherals" refers to objects; I think you need to either go with "peripheral vision" or use a different turn of phrase entirely, like "restricting my field of vision". Also I'd replace "the mask I wore" with just "my mask"; it's cleaner.

I had to admit, despite being a meddler; she had quite the body.

Do meddlers normally not have good bodies?

were they of weaker will than those like me.

Good sentiment; I like the irony here where he's literally just stopped what he was doing to stare at her while thinking about how he's immune to her charms. The phrasing is a little awkward, though, and I'd also expect this kind of man (from what I know of him, which is admittedly little) to give no one besides himself the credit of being able to resist her "me", rather than "those like me".

Maybe she’d even take my side if I did well enough.

She's his inferior in rank only, then. Clearly their personal dynamic is the reverse.

After a few minutes of contemplation I rose, realizing I didn’t know enough about Sheila to make a competent move.

I'm getting mixed messages here. Sometimes he seems quite familiar with Sheila--familiar enough to refer to her as just "her" in the opening paragraphs--and sometimes, like here, he barely seems to know her at all.

An enigma led better than a recognized face in that business, but it also held many opportunities for the game.

What? I am confused.

After a few seconds, I saw her ears prick up, a sight that almost sent me into fits of laughter

Hahaha, great detail work here. Easy to picture and very flavorful.

“Of course I’m honored Sir,”

You're missing at least one comma here, probably more.

pitied the fools

lol.

How could any mere mortal possibly comprehend all the facets of my psyche?

Uh... is the speaker not mortal? Or is this just arrogance? Suddenly the world seems like a bigger place; this line says an awful lot about the character (and opens up some very important questions!!)

her eyes hardening and she shoulders stiffening.

*her shoulders

“If my room would make you uncomfortable, we could use yours,” I said nonchalantly.

If he's trying to make her comfortable, he's really bad at it.

she replied a tad too quickly. The girl was truly an artisan

This is a bit jarring; you criticize her behavior and follow up with her being "truly an artisan". I see the intent, but the ordering of the phrases makes it very strange to read.

I stopped in front of my chambers, watching the excitement in her eyes as I opened the door

Why excitement? What's so exciting; just being let into his private chambers, or what? Just a few sentences ago she seemed apprehensive; how did that become excitement?

Including her in with “those I trust” would ensure her silence in this matter because she wouldn’t want to ruin the trust I had apparently extended to her.

I feel like this should be nested in the same layers of bluffing and double-bluffing that his other analyses have been. How does she know that his trust is genuine? Why would he think that she believes him enough to ensure her silence?

letting my red tresses fall from behind my hood ... My name…is Andrew.

Just saying, "tresses" has a really strong feminine connotation. It makes "Andrew" come as rather a shock. If that's intentional, great, but in that case I'd also be pretty confused about the speaker, and I'd want more earlier on to clarify (or mislead more strongly) the gender. I do really like the value placed on the name--very good; very appropriate. Very good snippet overall, in fact! Don't take my pile of criticisms to mean that I didn't enjoy it, because I most certainly did. Are there more to come, I hope?

AND NOW, SOMETHING NO ONE REQUESTED OR WANTED!

@Grammar Tangent: Lay/Lie

Spoiler

Show

"To lay" and "to lie" are notoriously difficult irregular verbs in English, not least because "lie" turns into "lay" in the past tense However, the actual uses are very different, and once you know the difference, the distinction between them is simple.

LIE is a thing you, or something else, does personally. It is an intransitive verb, which means it cannot take an object--so, it is impossible to "lie something down". In that case, the "something" would be a direct object--and the verb simply doesn't have space for a direct object. It cannot happen. So you "lie down", or possibly "something lies down".

LAY is exactly the same as lie, except that it is a transitive verb--it must always take an object. Thus, you "lay something down", but you cannot possibly "lay down" (in the present tense), because there's no direct object there.

This stuff is simple enough, and if this was all, no one would have trouble with these verbs. The problems arise because they're irregular, so conjugating them creates confusion, and then that confusion becomes culturally entrenched and then no one knows what the difference originally was anymore. So, how to conjugate them:

TO LIE: (no direct object)

lie (present): He lies like a rug.
lay (past): I lay in my bed all afternoon, thinking about Skittles.
lain (past participle): He would have lain there all week if it weren't for that freak bulldozer accident.

TO LAY: (direct object in boldface)

lay (present): Lay it on me!
laid (past): My pet dragon just laid an egg!
laid (past participle): I had just laid out the carpet when a herd of elephants came through.

If you want a refresher on what a part participle is, they come up in the Past Perfect tense.

So: Lie, lay, lain vs. Lay, laid, laid. Lie takes no objects ever; lay takes one all the time. That's all there is! And if you ever find yourself trying to use a word not on this list (I mean, there are only four of them all told), stop, think, remember how great I am, and fix it. "Lied" is never, ever correct in this context (it's the past tense of "to tell an untruth"). "Layed" is a terribly, horribly common way to spell "laid", but it is not a word.

Feel free to think of examples to help you remember which is which, but make sure that any mnemonics you come up with are actually correct! The truth is that a really terrific proportion of cultural uses of these words are dead wrong. Songwriters are especially bad about this, because "lay" has a nicer sound than "lie", so grammar is ignored for the sake of aesthetics. See: Lay Down (Strawbs and at least like six other artists), Lay Lady Lay (Bob Dylan), Lay Down Sally (Eric Clapton), etc. All wrong; all well-known. It's no wonder no one knows how to use these verbs correctly.