My Little Pony LIV:E Long and Pony!

[Thanqol]

REPORTS FROM THE FRONT: XCOM ENEMY UNKNOWN

FROM: SPYMASTER GENERAL PRINCE BLUEBLOOD
TO: DIRECTOR CELESTIA OF THE XCOM PROJECT

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ENTRY ONE:

Dear Auntie Celestia,

I'm glad you saw the wisdom of promoting me to this "XCOM" project. I will make sure it is run with all the dignity that royalty demands. As your hilarious paranoia about alien invasions is yet to be confirmed I have assigned Science Team to investigating why it is I'm so handsome. It's a tricky question. Send more money.

ENTRY TWO:

Dear Auntie Celestia,

I sent a team out to Shutggerguarghurt or however that unpronounceable hovel is spelled and it turns out they were all incompetent losers who got themselves massacred. How do you expect me to run a global conspiracy if all I have to work with are rookies? Anyway, Fancy Pants made it back alive. I'll go tell him to stop screwing up. Honestly.

ENTRY THREE:

Dear Auntie Celestia,

Nothing sends a better example to the riff-raff than leading from the front! I ordered Engineering to remove all helmets from all staff so they might properly appreciate my handsomeness as I do so. Would you believe the whining? Blah blah blah completely purposeless increase of lethality blah blah vanity project blah blah blah. I don't hear my squad complaining!

My squad, incidentally, consists of Stephen Magnet, sniper, Hoity Toity, medic, and Fancy Pants, heavy. I have dubbed this team, "The Best Percent". I myself practise the ancient ways of assault because the highest kill tally belongs to me by rights!

ENTRY FOUR:

INTERNAL: I require a single set of custom-built low-profile mesh armour to protect my handsome face.

ENTRY FIVE:

Dear Auntie Celestia,

Uh. Send help.

ENTRY FIVE:

Dear Auntie Celestia,

I take it back, send the help away. Twilight Spangle won't stop regurgitating Science Team factoids, Raining Dash is trying to fire a sniper rifle while running, and Liar Heartstrings is stealing my glory. More, the big red one is a barbarian who keeps getting mud all over the vertibird floor even though I TOLD him there's a doormat.

ENTRY SIX:

Dear Auntie Celestia,

I may have a small financial situation. On the plus side, Science Team is over-funded! They said they were working on a handsomeness enhancement device and, naturally, I filled the top section of my base with lab space to support them. On the minus side, I have no money.

It's okay. I sold some alien tech to make sure I was able to buy the best kit that science team could dream up. I don't have enough for my minions so they're stuck using 17th century guns. I told them that they should pay for laser rifles out of their own money, should only cost them about 1.6 billion dollars a piece.

But basically I'm stuck until I get enough money to build a satellite control centre, which will allow me to launch all these death satellites I have in my basement. Then I can blackmail world governments!

Oh, and none of the peasants have bit the dirt yet. I'm as surprised as you are, though farmhand did come awfully close when I sent him on a hilarious suicide mission to capture an alien heavy. Good times.