Personal Woes and Advice 2

[pendell]

What does it mean by an "imposition"? What's "accommodating"? That's I think the core issue here. From my perspective, I'm not asking anything from other people in what I do. Rather, they're trying to impose their own comfort zone on me. If you give in on that, what's next? I think the problem I have is with legitimizing this sort of use of force at all. There seems to be no clear line of where this ends, other than what the majority can get away with.

Your (3) is not an option. Once this sort of stuff is in play, you cannot stand firm on anything. It's not safe, you will be forced to give it up one way or another. Anything at all you do to protect yourself, be yourself, or be at all different is something you can and probably will be forced to give up. That's what I learned from society.

I'm afraid 3) is mandatory. Without willingness to stand firm, without a willingness to draw boundaries , without an ability to say "thus far and no further", the rest is pointless. 1) and 2) follow on once you've developed the abilities and skills to protect those things which are truly important to you.

Dealing with the mental health system is fun. I was classified as mental in grade school and it took years of fighting to get the label off. The mental health system is very good at classifying "difference" as mental illness. I just read a book called War against the weak which demonstrated how , in 1900-1930 America, Appalachian Hillbillies, African-Americans, Jewish immigrants, were variously classified as 'shiftless', 'feebleminded', 'criminal from birth' and were shut up in homes, sterilized, or in some cases euthanized.

Back in those days, being different WAS a crime.

Society is a bit more tolerant today. Marginally.

It takes great courage to be different from society, but to my mind it is something that must be done, because we can't be fully human as long as we're letting other people make us into carbon-copy images of them. That's not the way it's supposed to be. I'm reading another book which discusses, among other things, the way casinos identify cheats through disguises. It turns out there are a LOT of things about any individual human being that are unique and can't be easily disguised. Not just our fingerprints or our voice print. The heat signature of our face is unique. Our gait -- the way we walk -- is unique. Our ear shape is unique. In so many ways individual human beings are unique. And society wants to press us into a mold? May it never be!

It sounds to me, WarKitty, as if you're stuck in the mental health system. If so, might you be able to find someone in the system who knows something about psychological boundaries ? If so, you may be able to find some ways to help execute action 3, carving off some aspect of the world to be uniquely yours.

Healthy boundaries are a fundamental aspect of any human relationship. Society has boundaries which you can't cross and remain in society. The most important ones are set in law and forbid things like murder or theft. If someone does these things, society will outcast them and put them in confinement.

But I somehow suspect these aren't your issues. It sounds to me like your struggling with "soft" expectations -- the way you dress, the way you act, and what not -- which society can't throw you in prison for but can humiliate you, insult you , denigrate you, and if you allow such people power over you, can diagnose all kinds of mental illness when the real issue is that you're different.

In such cases, if you ever read the book Shogun by James Clavell, I point you to the character of Rodriguez. This Portuguese man in Tokugawa-era Japan gets away with all kinds of things because he has maxed out ranks in bluff. He acts like he has every right to do what he does, and for the most part he gets away with it. The flip side of a conformist society is that, if you can bluff them into believing you have a right to do what you're doing, they won't challenge you.

It's a fundamental lesson I had to learn in church. These people aren't my parents. They have no power over me that I don't give them. So I chose to stop giving it to them, and made it plain that , though I play by society's rules on the important things, I will not tolerate interference with me and mine. I want no help , don't ask for it, and take unkindly if people offer "advice" unsolicited.

It can be done. It's not easy. It takes a willingness to act as bold as a lion and the ability to withstand insult.

Of course, this is much easier to do when you're not stuck in the mental health system. I'm not able to offer much guidance on such things, but again, I would suggest looking for a psychologist specializing in boundaries. If you can learn how to establish boundaries, you may be able to fake sanity well enough to get clear of the system and start being your own person, not having to play by their game until they quit bothering you :).

A person in mental health doesn't have the freedom to express themselves that a person on the outside does. Dealing with a system -- in my experience -- meant learning how to play the game until I was shut of them. But even prisoners in dungeons still find ways to express their uniqueness. It doesn't mean you have to wait to escape to start being an individual. It just means you've got to be a lot more careful about it.