Personal Woes and Advice 2

[pendell]

In any case, a practical question:

I've been working on setting more boundaries with my mother, before the holidays get even more out of control. The thing is, she just does not seem to understand them. I've gotten to the point where I have no idea what to do. If I say something like "don't use guilt-trips", she'll completely deny that she ever does that. If I say something more specific, like "What you did in situation X was inappropriate", she'll only refrain from situations that are exactly like X, and then when I point out similar situation Y will not understand the similarity. Or she'll come out with something like, when I'm trying to work on not criticizing everything I do, she'll say "I feel like I have to agree with everything you say and do or I'm not welcome." Which isn't true, but...my impression is that she genuinely has no idea what the difference is between what she's doing and normal, healthy interactions. All negative comments are "constructive criticism", all guilt-trips and manipulation are "expressing her feelings honestly."

Chen, above, has some good thoughts.

I must caveat this by saying that you know your parents well, and I don't. So these are glittering generalities.

It sounds like your mother doesn't know how she comes across to you. Sort of like someone with a speck on their face.

And , given the previous relationships between you, it doesn't sound like she'll immediately respond to reason, because she still thinks of you as a child. Fair?

In which case, I have two basic pieces of advice.

1) Speak her language.
2) Change the script.

What do I mean by "speak her language"? I mean that people will completely reject a message sometimes, depending on the speaker and the way it is said regardless of the merits. So if, for example, I say "don't be destructive", to my relatives from Oklahoma, they may very well respond with "don't talk psychobabble to me." But if I say "don't be cruel", they get what I'm saying first time.

It helps also if you think about what the words mean to the person. Some words just flip a person right out. Some words win sympathy. How are you coming across?

Think of it this way: If your mom says something hurtful to you, and you respond "stop hurting me!" ... well, does that sound like something an adult would say, or a child would say? Since she's already got that image of "child" firmly fixed in your mind, it's going to reinforce that "child" image, and she's going to respond to you as if you were one.

So instead of responding as a child, think: How would a stranger on the street respond in this situation? Maybe: "Hey, stop that!" How would your mother's mother respond to it? Maybe "you stop that right now!" How would a coworker respond? Maybe "That's not really funny."

You find the right way to present your needs in such a way as to get the best possible response.

Which brings me to point 2) : Change the script .

Most human interactions, I contend , aren't really original. Most of them follow a set pattern. You can call it a script. Or you can call it a game . It's a way we humans learn to deal with other humans.

Case in point: What do you do when you see a coworker first thing in the morning at work? It probably follows a pattern something like this:
A) Hey , what's up!
B) Not much. What's up with you?
C) Not much. Things are good.

End script.

I think if you'll think about it, you'll find that many of your interactions with mother follow a set script. And the sum total of those scripts result in a play called The Tragedy Of WarKitty. In other words, you're the loser in this play. It somehow always works that your mother gets a payoff from this, and you're left sad, or frustrated, or hurt.

At any rate, once you know what the scripts are, you have one great power:

YOU don't have to play along.

YOU don't have to follow the lines.

YOU can rewrite the script and make new lines. YOU can rewrite the script and create new actions.

You can change this play.

Now, it's true that you can only change your own actions and words. You have no power to reach into your mother's head and rewrite HER script, only your own. But humans seem to have this psychological need to follow the lines of whatever script is presented to them. So just by changing the script YOU'RE following you can have a strong impact on the script the OTHER person is following , unless they put forth strong effort on their own behalf to consciously force the conversation down the pattern of their choosing.

Let me give you an example.

We talked about the greeting script above. Let's throw a ringer in:

A) Hey, what's up?
B) Not much, how are things with you?
A) Not too good. My dog just died.
...

What is B's likely response?

Most likely something like "Oh, that's terrible. How can I help?"

You see that A has subtly taken control of the conversation and shifted scripts. They're no longer reading The Play of Greeting. They're reading The Play of Consolation.

You can do this too. Look at the set interactions and common patterns your mom has with you. Look at the patterns she has with OTHER people she respects more. Her boss. Her husband. Your other family members.

If you don't know these things, reason by analogy with other people's moms. Even ones in books or from fiction. Your mother is a human being, but she's also playing a role, the role of "mom". There are lots of mom-scripts out there, in real life and in fiction.

Find a script that works. And change it.

Instead of following the pattern with your mom you've followed all your life, change the script. Try lines from some other play, like The Workers, or The Husband, or The Stranger On The Street. Experiment. Some lines will work better than others. If one doesn't work, toss it. If another works, keep it.

Once you understand this, then you're going to be in control of every conversation you have, because you're the one choosing the script. Even when you're the interviewee in a job interview, or the employee being dressed down by the supervisor, or the recruit being dressed down by a drill sergeant. When the play shifts to you and you have the lines, you can choose what script to follow. And the power of expectations is such that many people will simply follow your lead. You can then shift the script for the point of maximum benefit. There are limits. It's unlikely you'll be able to talk down an angry boss into giving you a raise, but you may be able to keep from being fired.

All of which is to say that you have a great deal more power over your mother than you realize, because you have power over yourself. And people respond, often unconsciously, to the script you're following.

So rewrite the play. From this moment on, the Tragedy of Warkitty is no longer showing. Warkitty Conquers Her Personal Universe is the new show. You can only write the lines for one of the actors in this play. But , as I said, that's more power than you might think. People ad lib off of what they see other people do. The more convincingly you act a role, the more people respond to you as if that role were true.

The best example I can think of is Joshua Abraham Norton I , the Emperor of the United States . He was a homeless man, but he acted his role so well and so convincingly that he was fondly remembered and loved by thousands of people. And they put his completely invented title on his tombstone, because he was so good at the role he sucked people into it -- and it wasn't even against their will. He made the world play by his script.

Respectfully,

Brian P.