*cuddles*

*joins request for cuddles*

I posted this in thread 29, but I don't want it eaten by the thread switch, even though I was late to the party in response to Lena last time.

[Repost]

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Quote Originally Posted by Astrella View Post
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Dysphoric rambles (which is why I haven't replied to anything. Ugh, I sound really whiny so you really don't have to read it...):
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So, got struck by a bout of dysphoria that was worse than anything I've had in weeks. And to make it even worse it just wouldn't go away no matter what I did and it lasted on the whole day and I had to fight off collapsing in a pile of sobbing pityfullness all day...

Everyone here is making progress and achieving things while I'm still super nervous and scared about everything and don't even dare to go buy clothes or anything or think about informing my uni and I basically don't really have anyone for support in real life cause I shut myself up so much and I'm all anxious around people and I just feel so cowardly and stupid and not deserving of transitioning and I'll never look decent anyway and it's all just a whole puddle of darkness that I"m sinking away with and tendrils dragging me down and more blehness...
Lena, you've achieved a lot, like other people have said, going to the endo, getting those prescriptions (even if it's been tough and they're not there yet. ) I've seen the pictures you posted and I think you'll look great. And don't think I'm just saying that to make you feel better, I'm one of the most brutally critical people you'll ever meet, and I don't pay idle compliments. It won't be perfect because nothing is, but it will be better than it is now. If you think not telling your uni makes you a coward, than you're in the company of many many cowards. I often feel like I shut myself away too, and even having a few people support me doesn't help because i don't think I could step out from behind the familiar, if often miserably uncomfortable, mask of maleness that I spend most of my day hiding behind, so that often in a crows I feel alone. But maybe, and this is just a suggestion and a thought, and you shouldn't take it as anything more, trying to find a support group or something near you would be good. Even if it's fractious and full of competing narratives about transness, you might find someone to talk to there, who could become a source of RL support, since you don't have much right now.

About deserving transition: Who can decide that you don't deserve transition? A doctor with a paper degree and a cardboard brain can deny it, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve it. Social standards? What do they matter when your identity is for you first of all and everyone else in the world second? The only one who can decide whether you deserve something is you, and in this case, why should you not do what will make you happy? Everyone who matters, ultimately, loses in that scenario. But still, that doesn't mean that waiting until you're more secure makes you less worthy, it's just practical. There's no inherent virtue in making things hard for yourself. Sometimes I think there;s a mistake made talking about "transition" as if it were an objective thing, like metamorphosis or some automatic process where transness attracts you to your correct gender presentation irresistibly and along a pre-determined path at a pre-determined pace, like magnetism. It's full of fits and starts, of steps forward to try new things, steps backward to re-confirm old knowledge, and steps sideways just because. Your transition is yours, and you deserve it because it is a fundamental part of you. It may not be perfect or ideal, but I think it will get where it needs to be in the end. Good luck!

*hugs*

Feel better, sweetie



~Laura