I wish I could help Daemonhawk, but the rules of this thread and of the forum forbid it.

2. This thread is not for the treatment of or the discussion of the treatment of serious depression or mental health issues. Someone posting about those issues or seeking what would seem to call for licensed professional mental health advice should be referred to seek such advice. When in doubt, limit your response to friendly support and a suggestion to seek real world professional help. Think before you offer advice about how to be friendly, supportive, and not offer advice better left to a licensed professional in a professional setting.
Please seek professional help in these matters. I wish you the best of luck and I hope things turn better for you.