Hello again PWaA. Seems like I'm only ranting here nowadays rather than offering assistance.

Sadness below:

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I expected to fail. And I did. Didn't expect to fail as badly as I did - if hadn't sent in information on my anxiety, I'd have failed 50% of my first year rather than 25%. As it is, I have 2 resits in september and 2 passes that are only there because I'm ill in the head.

Can't drown my sorrows as much as I'd like to either, due to physical illness stuff. Arrgh.

Gonna go for these resits.

But if I fail, what the hell do I do then?

I can't face more failure.

There's a few things that could happen.
- I do the resits. I pass, and am into second year. Then I have to deal with second year, and if I fail that too, I'm going to be in some serious issues, what with 3 years down the drain instead of the 2 currently.
- I do the resits. I fail / panic / both, and switch subject. I go into a different subject (I know the exact one I'd go for), and I end up panicking in those exams because I've failed 2 years already.
- I don't do the resits. I switch straight to a new subject, have less panic over the summer, but never know what would have happened. And still have the panic going on.
- I drop out of university. I flip academia off, go get a job in the real world for a couple of years until I get my anxiety under control, and find a motivation to do something at university, rather than my current "Degree Get! Job in vague area Get!".

The last option is an extreme one. I want a degree. I just don't know (still) whether I'm doing the right one.

I wish I could see before hand what will end up happening. I hate unknown constants. I don't know what I want to do, I don't know if the current subject is the right one for me, or whether I should have stayed with maths or moved to a different one than this one.

I just want things to be simple and clear cut. So that I can go "Yes, this is the path that's right!".

Life ain't like that though.


Now please excuse me, I have a bottle to go introduce myself to. And to chuck out all the anxiety meds that did nothing for me.