Quote Originally Posted by mebecronck View Post
@Arkhosia's Story
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First critique: Giant Wall of Text ... Good idea to space between paragraphs. This makes it difficult to read.



Comma between "coal" and "and".



If this is Forgotten Realms (like I think it is) then, "gods-forsaken". Forgotten Realms is very plural on the gods.




The "however"s are not only unnecessary, but mess up the flow.



Lord of the Nine Hells. Also, "Of" doesn't need to be capitalized.



"NO! NO! NO!"

Go away Daniel Bryan. This is my critique. Although, I agree. Outside references are okay in bio pages, and better for comedic reference in comments and critiques. They have no place in an actual story.



have*



"About" suggests an estimate/guess. "28 feet" is too precise to be an estimate. "I tumbled 25 or 30 feet ... " would work better here. Also, you might want to spell your numbers out instead. Numbers in a sea of letters stand out.



notched*



Remove the comma and replace with a period. Then start the next sentence with "I".



Add "to" between bother and chase.



"in the town"



A journal entry. Well the period after his name is then unnecessary.

Good work. Just need to really fix the "Giant Wall of Text" issue. Just press "enter" twice at the end of each paragraph and that will space things well.
Thanks! I will fix my mistakes ASAP.