I had promised myself I wouldn't make this sort of post again when I came back, but given all the other ones I've broken to myself over the years I doubt it'll make any difference in the grand scheme of things.

You know how it goes, insert the usual self-deprecating disclaimer here.

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I don't drink alcohol. This is something that I'm aware is highly unusual, particularly given the socio-religious demographic I fall into. I have a few reasons for this. The one I generally tell people is that I simply never acquired the taste for it, which is entirely true. There are a few other factors involved though. Firstly, there's the likely concern that I would not be pleasant company if I was drunk - I'm difficult enough as it is sober at times. But Silver, you say, it's entirely possible to drink and not get drunk. This is true - although you'd be forgiven for not knowing that given how the British treat alcohol - but the concern is compounded by the third main reason: alcohol is a very popular 'self-medication' and I have quite poor impulse control. The upshot of which being, if it turns out that I can 'drown my sorrows', I am going to have a difficult job turning that switch off.
Sometimes I have trouble reminding myself that would be a worse situation than not doing so. Lately, I'm starting to wonder whether it might not be worth a shot anyway. Because I don't seem to have much in the way of 'real' options left.


But I'm getting ahead of myself.


Mentally, the emotion I've become more acquainted with is hatred. Self-hatred's nothing new, but it's a blossomed a bit beyond that. An spiralling cloud of undirected loathing and hostility. It's not that I've stopped hating myself, more that my self-loathing has, for want of a better analogy, levelled-up. Not the first time it's happened, but this phase has been hanging around for a while now.
I know why it has. The root cause is fairly clear. But knowing that doesn't make it go away. As you can imagine this hasn't made me very easy to deal with. Although there are fewer people to deal with anyway - since I've also been losing the ability to talk to people.


To clarify that a bit, it's pretty much become the case that I have, effectively, fallen off the world. I do not have what you'd call a life, and that rather puts a limit on the conversation options - especially when the only subjects about myself that aren't just 'the same depressing topics of complaints' are now firmly in the DO NOT TALK ABOUT IT category. So unless there's an established 'topic of discussion' I'm not generally able to do much in conversation anymore.
Unsurprisingly, I don't have much in the way of friends left. I'm not even sure if I'm bothered by that at this point.