A Socratic Examination
Into My Beliefs
My Loneliness
The summary explanation to my loneliness stems from my absolute belief that no woman is interested in me. I know that I am undesirable. Although I am typing this up in a somewhat “train of thought” style, I will try to organize this work by the several causes of this belief, and examine each as I go.
To first list the reasons behind this belief. First, I believe women are not attracted to me, in that what society deems as attractive I find that I hold the opposite attribute. Second, my own belief that this is true leads me to be undesirable. I feel that I am undesirable and thus I emit an atmosphere of undesirability. Third, I feel that if I am desirable a woman at some point would have expressed interest in me in some way. Having been single my entire life, never having a first date, first kiss, or first
hug shows credence to this. Finally, the severe bullying that I suffered through my middle school and high school has instilled this belief in me.
First:
Anyone could look in a magazine or watch a commercial to see what society wants us to believe what is attractive, but I’m no fool. I understand that these are unrealistic standards of beauty and thus I can’t compare myself to them.
I do however can examine on a general scale what is considered attractive for men. Women are generally attracted to men who are fit. I am not. Women are generally attracted to men who are tall. I am not. Women are attracted to men who are strong. I am not.
The list continues. Even on a general level I am not considered attractive, but am I ugly? Is it possible that I look in a mirror and see a distorted image of myself warped by my own low self image?
The answer is actually, “No”. I look in the mirror and see myself. If I am to gauge my own attractiveness from a serious standpoint, then I would have to say, “I am average.” Even from the statistical standpoint, “I am average”. I am the average height, weight, skin color, hair color, eye color, and everything else of an American male.
That is also a problem. If you put me in a room with any sample of guys in the US I will just blend in. Nothing about me physically stands out, but what about personality?
On this I am very much repellent. I am smart. Women don’t like smart guys. I am a nerd. Women don’t like nerds. I am also, at least in my opinion, a nice guy. Nice guys finish last.
I often wonder “Why is it that nice guys finish last?” The only thing that I can conclude is that nice guys blend into the background. Jerks stand out. It is difficult to ignore a jerk. They are loud and obnoxious. They step away from what is generally regarded as socially acceptable behavior. Nice guys, however, do exactly what society expects of them.
I will not stop being a nice guy, though. I wouldn’t even consider being a jerk just to get a girlfriend. That is just unacceptable.
As for being a nerd, it is naturally repellant. I use large words that are commonplace for me, but confusing for her. I reference “fun facts” that she would feel like it is something straight from Star Trek, but in fact it is just something she forgot about in high school.
Second:
Perhaps it is purely because I believe this that I am undesirable. I believe it ergo I am. It is true that your own self confidence leads to a certain attitude. If you believe yourself a lady’s man then you walk up to women with a swagger that suggests you can have any woman in the room.
However, this is not entirely the case with me. I have not always held this belief, and I have not trouble talking to women.
For some time I thought I had just as fair a shot getting a girlfriend as any other guy, but I still knew that I am not first choice for any girl. I used the one thing I have got going for me to make me a little more desirable; my brain.
I studied things that I thought would increase my chances of attracting a girlfriend. Among these things I studied how to cook, and how to give a message. I figured that I can make myself stand out on a date. That is my only chance.
I never had a first date though, and right now my cooking skills do little more than get some compliments at family get outings.
As I said earlier, I don’t have trouble talking to women, even the highly attractive super model beauties that most men lose all sense of reason around. My method is simple. I have already gone through the rejection process with all women. It comes with my belief that no woman is interested in me. Before I even meet a woman I have already gone through the process of “You want to go out with me?” “NO!” Not actively of course. It is not like I imagine every woman turning me down the second I meet them. It is more symbolic. She is a woman ergo she is not interested in me.
This leads to another part of my problem. I have no reason to ask a woman out. Why ask her out if she has already turned me down? That is like asking, “Is the Sun bright?” or “Is water wet?” The answer is inherent. The question is then pointless. However I will delve more into that later.
Third:
If I am desirable, then would not a woman have expressed interest in me? At least once in my life would not a woman have said, “I like you”? This is something that has never happened to me. If it did then obviously everything that I believe in this little examination would be instantly false. One of the core beliefs that I hold would be shattered.
There are two problems with this; the first that they might have expressed interest in me, but I just can’t see it. It is common, almost trope-ish, behavior that women use to express interest in men by dropping clues and hoping they pick up on it. I would say that this is something that is only on cheesy sitcom comedies, but I have witnessed this as true. One of the few benefits of being undesirable is that women talk around me as if I am not there. Why should they regard me? After all, I am no one.
Why am I blind to the clues? I shall paint a scenario to illustrate this. Imagine going into a room for the first time. Before you entered this room someone stole something. You wouldn’t notice that something is missing because you never seen the room before. If you were in that room once or twice before, then you might notice the missing item. What is the difference? Context!
The context I am missing to be able to pick up any clues a woman might drop is the possibility that she is attracted to me. Since I already believe that as impossible then any clue she drops is immediately ignored or dismissed as being imagined.
She could just drop a clue as blunt as an atom bomb and say, “I like you”, but then that is not a clue. That is a confession. Why not say this, though? Because even as forward thinking as our society has become, it is still considered the social norm for men to be the one to ask out the women.
That is the second problem, and it is stupid. What horror would rise from the depths of Hell should a woman ask me out? Shall the world end if she does? Is society going to cast her out as a witch?
You could say, “Why don’t you ask a girl out?” I answer by first pointing to my previous answer to this exact problem. My mind has already made up the scenario that the answer is, “No.” You would then say, “What’s the worst that could happen?”
Oh, ye of little imagination and experience.
Fourth:
I will start this segment with a story:
I was in summer school one year, the summer between tenth and eleventh grade, and it was held in a different school than the one I attend. I saw only one familiar face out of all who was attending and she would sit alone before classes would start. I recognized her as one of the popular girls in school. This of course would normally mean that I should know my place and not make contact. I don’t know why I did, but I went up and started to talk with her. I knew I had no chance with her. She is popular, and I am a nerd. We are two different species.
However, despite this we would have pleasant conversations. We just talked about whatever came up. On the last day of summer school she told me, “You know when we get back to school; we can’t talk anymore, right?” Being the nice guy that I am I said I understood. After all, she can’t be caught talking to the school pariah, now can she? How would that affect her popularity? Poorly I am sure.
Well, one week into school, I forgot. I passed her in the hallway and said, “Hi.”
She responded by shouting, “OH, MY GOD! IT TALKED TO ME!”
Do you think that is a sad story? That was everyday for me. I was reminded daily, by someone, by
everyone, that I am worthless. That was my life from the fifth grade to twelfth.
I ask you now; this is the response I got from saying, “Hi.” What’s the worst that can happen when I try to ask a girl out?
The bullying that I lived with daily has destroyed my self esteem. This is the foundation that I built my personal worth on and it is shoddy to say the least.
Conclusion:
I know that there are problems with my thinking. There are billions of women in the world and it is ridiculous for me to believe that absolutely none of them would be interested in me. However, I am in a psychological trap in which I can find no escape.
That is why I post this online. Such deeply held beliefs cannot be changed easily. I might not be able to change it internally. A religious person cannot just decide to stop believing. A non-religious person cannot just decide to start believing. Such deeply held beliefs do not just change because you want them to. Something must make them change.
For lack of a better way to end this; thank you for reading.
Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting
Reply With Quote