... I'm not even really sure how to start explaining how i feel right now, so I'm just gonna type it out and hope it sounds somewhat cohesive. The more time I spend learning about AI, and programming, and computer stuff for video game design, the more I'm convinced mom and dad would've been better off just... setting the money on fire.

I feel so worthless... I'm going for a degree I don't think I can get for a job I don't really want and I don't know why.

No, I know exactly why. Because mom and dad are convinced it's the right thing to do to go get a job I don't want because it'll give me money. And ya know, I feel awful just saying I'd prefer to starve with a job I love than hate something that puts food in my belly. Because there are plenty of people who'd kill to be in the position I'm in.

But I'd kill to get out of it.... well not literally, but you get the idea. I just want to stop. But that'd make the constant unending schooling even more of a waste. It never ends... I think that's the worst part. It just gets worse and worse every single ****ing semester and I just want it gone...

I just want it gone...

I want to write, that's it. I seriously want to either be a writer or starve to death. And I feel so alone... Maybe I should talk about what's been going on lately.

So, a week or so ago, I have a massive load of homework to do. Now, I've been screwing up all year - most of my assignments just never got done or turned in, and I just can't bring myself to care. So I end up in one week with an AI project, two linear algebra assignments, two java programs, and a partridge in a pear tree... oh and some stuff to do in levelling I never figured out how to do, move on.

When I go to do the project, I pretty much had to do the entire damn thing alone in three days. And I didn't find out my partner couldn't work on it until TWO ****ING HOURS before the thing was due. So at around midnight I'm slapping together this pathetic excuse for an A* pathfinding program, and have to skip like half of the damn project because I didn't know what we were supposed to be doing until the weekend before when I found out we could just do it text based... and now I'm just sick of this ****. Over and over it's like, work hard and get nothing for it at all except someone asking over and over if you're done yet.

And I said I'd give this girl some money so she could help herself out with a family situation that frankly sounds like hell, and I haven't, and I feel like there's misery smothering me all around and...

And... I... wow, i typed all that?... anyway, so I... have no idea what the hell else to say.

I just hate myself right now... If college years are supposed to be the best part of your life, I hope I get shot before I have to find out how bad the rest of it can get... And of course I feel horrible for thinking that, too, because others have it way worse than me.