Personal Woes and Advice 3

[Skeppio]

I stopped talking with you via PM because I was tired of being dismissed all the time. I would try to say something encouraging and you would launch into a rant about how the whole of society hated you and that you hated everyone. I tried to talk with you about your artwork but instead you grew angry and resentful because people weren't commenting on it as often as you wanted. In short, most conversations with you became *about* you and I felt more like a third rate psychiatrist with an unsatisfied patient than a friend. I felt like a dumping ground / punching bag for your anger and depression.

I got tired of being rejected as not being good enough because "I was just a voice on the other side of the world". Just because I wasn't physically there in person, it meant my opinions, suggestions and attempts at encouragement were worthless.

Oh right... Sorry, sometimes new stuff piles on top of old stuff and I forget how much of a ****ing ******* I've been in the past. I sincerely apologise for treating you like **** and like a punching bag back then...that was back when I was posting my older art, right? The little monster things? Before I took an "extended break" from posting art. I started posting new stuff a bit more recently. And I admit, back then, it was a combination of "how am I meant to utilise feedback if i don't get any" and jealousy. I just wanted something I could make and be good at, and that others would enjoy.
I'd actually forgotten that we'd gotten to that point in PMs. It's been too long...

You've said you've been hurt before because you trusted someone and they let you down. Now you don't trust anyone and drive people away. Friendships, relationships - ALL of them start with trust and are maintained by trust. Does it mean people will let you down? Yes. People will fail you, betray you and disappoint you because humans screw up, either accidently or deliberately. What you've decided is that because some people have let you down, no-one is worthy of your trust and everyone is worthy of your contempt.

To be fair, it's not a small number of people that have betrayed, back-stabbed or otherwise turned their back on me (a lot of them are from earlier in my life, long before my depression became noticeable). It leaves a bit of an impression. I honestly don't know how you can put trust in people so easily. I wish I knew how...I feel like I lost that ability years ago.

That psychiatrist that helped you for a year. You've just said they helped you a lot. Go back to them.

I didn't say they helped. I said their efforts still couldn't prevent everything from crashing down and fueling my depression all over again.

Skeppio, it really hurts me to see how you feel towards these kind words and thoughts. Your words radiate a firm belief that something's fundamentally wrong with you and that the things you've done changed nothing (defined from no standard in particular).

A firm belief that has plenty of backing. All I do is ruin people's day and offer nothing of value. Sounds like something's pretty wrong to me. And I've changed things, but never for the better. This is derived from....well, all my past experiences worth mentioning.

I imagine that whenever someone dares say they've been where you are, or know how you feel that it makes you twitch - at least that's how I felt, hah. Thing is, I don't want to seem arrogant by saying that I have a comprehensive knowledge of your pain, but I'd like to share some things, maybe you'll think it's worth your time

First of all, let me assure you that if these people truly pitied you or didn't care, they'd laugh it off, close their browser and eat Christmas confectionaries or whatever. Some people simply care, regardless of faces or emotionless digital avatars. You should stop being ashamed of your own sadness.

I don't get why though. I'm not a good investment. Care about someone else who needs it, they'll appreciate it a lot more.

You don't have to live towards a greater cause or with a super far-sighted perspective. Fact is that even though many people, institutions and authorities seem to think otherwise, there's nothing close to a qualified guess at any sort of purpose in life. I don't want to get too philosophical on this, I'm just trying to say that whenever you feel that you've under-achieved, it's good to be conscious of the fact that that feeling makes absolutely no sense considering the complete lack of a meaningful standard.

I have under-achieved, it's undeniable. If there's no standard to go off, there should be. Maybe I could set one up, just so we have a measuring stick, but I assure you, I'd be in the "under-achieving" section no matter who makes it. Unless you consider my crappy excuse for a life "achieving".

I'd hate to tell you that all your friends will probably come back and things will be like they used to, because I don't know you and your friends and I have absolutely no idea. Excuse me if this seems arrogant, but seeing as you're a contributing member of this here roleplaying forum and your writing is excellent, I'll take a leap of faith and assume that you appreciate a good story. Try to narrate a good story - if you feel like you've lost everything it might as well be a blank slate, only lacking the opportunity to fill in all the blank. You have no obligation to your past life and values, so if there's any of that you weren't satisfied with, now's the time.

Um...my past life is a part of me. I'd be pretty arrogant and uncaring to suddenly deny it all or pretend it didn't happen. And I have no idea where you get the impression I'm a good roleplayer. Every bit of RP I've been in died, except the latest PbP game I was in, which I was recently removed from. I'm a horrible story-teller/writer, even worse than my artistic skill.

And well, there's some practical stuff. This is probably the part that's the most tempting to skip over, so... please don't, I guess? Really, if you care nothing for everything else, please be respectful enough to at least heed this part, I'd appreciate that. Depending on your hemisphere, these may or may not be dark times with little light from above. Regardless, you should step outside every day, show your face to the sun and take a deep breath of air. You don't have to hang out or anything (unless you feel like it, of course), just pop out the door and say hello to the inside of the asylum. Drink water - this is really serious! Unless you're some radical hippie, we're all severely addicted to sugar and caffeine, and right now it doesn't seem like your body needs these sources of anxiety. These addictions are thrown to the wind easily with a bit of concentration. Last, but not least, indulge your senses. Explore visual arts and music, find out what kind of impressions that help you focus and drown out the sadness.

I live in the Southern Hemisphere and it's Summer, so there's plenty of sun. If I could, I'd pack it up and mail it to you or someone who wants it. I hate the sun. My room faces the sunrise and during Summer, it makes my room intolerably hot. I'm not sure if additional sun exposure will help improve my mood given my already volatile hatred of it.
Really? I've never noticed any caffeine-related problems in my life, and I love my soda. It's one of the few things that's momentarily pleasant in my life.
And I do explore visual arts, music, etc. Most of the time, it just makes me compare it to my own art and realise I'm terrible. I like my music though I'm getting bored of what I have and OSTs for games I like tend not to be released in my country.

Even though you consider yourself worthless, you're not going to get anyone to accept that point of view simply by repeating it over and over, least of all the overwhelmingly caring people on this forum. So ask yourself if you'd rather spend time proving that point or changing the fact.

<3

<3

A shame really, I thought having all the evidence with me would help too, but people still deny it.
I'd love to change it, but what's the point? I've already lost all my friends, and anyone else who knows me will assume I'm gonna be a hateful sad-sack anyway no matter what.