@mebecronck
Spoiler: Suddenly... Nothing Happens!
Show
The floor pools water in the crevices between the giant stone tiles.
This is a kind of awkward phrasing. I might make the water the actor here (e.g. "the water pools on the floor, in the crevices...")

The ceiling is smooth but cracked from the erosion of water.
I know what you're trying to say, but typically "erosion of something" indicates that the "something" is what is being eroded, rather than the thing that's performing the erosion.

Steam leaks from the borders of one door and a single dove made a nest above the other.
You've got tense problems in this sentence; I'd probably try to find a way to put the dove's nest in present tense along with the rest of the snippet.

If I go crazy, then will you still call me…

Hello.
lol.

I was told I can’t use the dove. Apparently John Woo has copyrighted using them for symbolic purposes.
lol.

Just give me a moment to rework this room and I we will move on.
Extra word.

“I’m trying to imagine what it would be like if I was in a party with players that actually RP.” Jorun answers without opening his eyes.

“If you want to RP so badly then I will join in.” Varonis moves away from the wall and stands in front of Jorun. “You start.”
Oh yeah, this is going to go well.

“Yes. I am from the coast.”

“You’re a wizard.”

“Obviously.”

“Then, you’re a wizard of the…”

Whoa, whoa! Stop right there. Room’s done. Let’s get back to it.
Oy, lol.

Bob rolls his eyes. “Could we get on with it? We haven’t done anything in the past hour.”
You know what they say; D&D is half an hour of fun, all packed into four hours!

Bob points at the ceiling with a forced smile on his face.
These moments are just so great to visualize.

Jorun, who has just recently learned which end of the sword to hold, noticed, and is able to say with some certainty, that the door is made of wood.
I actually laughed out loud at this one.

“True neutral, baby!” Bob starts dancing and moonwalks through the door.


“Oh, great.” Bob says with a blank face. He folds his arms and says, “Anyone remember to buy healing potions.”
Besides the fact that you're missing a question mark here, great ending And just think, the party got all the way through a whole doorway!


Spoiler: DDD...D
Show
I was referring to the trolls from the Hobbit. I just thought the orcs were acting similarly ;-)


@Lord_Gareth
Spoiler
Show
...she's deeply unhappy about the person she is.
Parts of this I just picked up from "intonation", if that makes any sense in a textual context. Then, when I arrived at the scene in the jail cell, all that rage and frustration and loneliness was technically directed outwards, but it feels very personal and very much like a reflection on herself. Lines like this one: "...Natasha wouldn't have to see it, wouldn't have to know what she called..." were particularly potent.

She's extremely passionate
I don't mean this in a necessarily romantic way, or rather I do, but not with the meaning that that word carries in modern times. I meant that Nail is emotionally involved in her surroundings and her deeds. Again, the most prominent place here for me was the moment she learns of the "oathbreakers"; she has a visibly emotional response (rusting the fork) and then immediately needs to go get herself trashed in a holding cell.