D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

[mebecronck]

It has been more difficult than normal to sit down and write. I've had this idea for a short in my head for a long time and I finally got it down. Hope you enjoy it.

Spoiler: The inspiration behind it.

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Edit* - Perhaps a little explanation would be prudent. I am trying for a deadpan style comedy writing here. The inspiration came when I was talking with someone at the grocery store on whether he should get bacon or sausage for breakfast. Instantly, my mind was filled by the tale of the battle for breakfast. Bacon and Sausage cannot share the same plate. They would kill each other before that would happen. I imagined the tale being told from Bacon's side like a soldier retelling the horrific events of war. It was kind of funny. So here we have the first draft of that. Tell me what you think, and who's side you are on.

Spoiler: The Battle for Breakfast

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The Battle for Breakfast

From the Journal of
Captain Bacon

March 16 – For as long as I can remember, Bacon has been the dominate force on the Platter, but everything changed when the Sausages arrived. They hold to the belief that Bacon has no business sharing the Platter with them. Well, I feel the same way. They leveled the First Course and I will never forgive them for it. Kill them all and let The Great Skillet sort them.

March 27 – Private Bit uncovered some spies in our ranks. I had my suspicions. Their gristle didn’t smell right, and they are too lean to have passed inspection. They call themselves Turkey Bacon. I’m certain that I can repurpose them. Send them through the grinder and shape them up and I will have some double agents of my own. The Turkey Sausage will be invaluable in the future.

April 1 – Through nerve racking negotiations we have secured a new ally, but I’m not sure we can trust them. It is important for us to bolster our forces with whoever might join our cause. The Sausages have joined the French Toast and we find ourselves sorely outnumbered. This alliance with the Canadian Bacon seems too timely. Private Bit will not stop talking about how they are practically cousins with our new enemies. I can’t tell the difference between them and a washed out Bologna. Command thinks they pass the smell test, so I have no choice but to integrate them into our troops.

April 14 – The Turkey Sausage just sent disturbing information from the inside of Sausage HQ. They are developing a condiment of mass destruction, codenamed CHEESE. The power of this weapon is terrifying to behold. The few photos accompanying the file leave me worried. Surely the Sausages would not use something so devastating. There would be no Platter left for anyone to live on.

April 20 – The information we received about CHEESE has been realized today. The Belgian Waffles, who wanted to remain neutral in this battle, was wiped from the face of the Platter today. There was nothing left.

May 5 – The Canadian Bacon rep. just handed to me the first good news I have read in a long time. They just finished a condiment of mass destruction to counter that of CHEESE. I am fearful to use it, but the Sausages give us little choice. They will taste MAPLE SYRUP today!

May 6 – Whenever I look over a battlefield I feel emotions of anger, sadness, disgust, or be overwhelmed by some unpleasant feeling. Yet, I have never looked over a battlefield and felt these emotions and direct them at myself. I made the call to use the MAPLE SYRUP, and now the field of battle is barren. The force of the weapon spread outside our predicted impact zone. It is impossible to ascertain all the casualties. Good Bacon and Canadian Bacon soldiers alike will forever be listed as MIA. I believe Private Bit was in the fallout zone, but I will never know for certain. All that is left is the smear across the Platter.

May 7 – Despite our best efforts and the fallout of SYRUP Day, Sausage has won the Battle for Breakfast. Though the battle is lost, the war is far from over. We have gained new allies in Ground Beef Patty and Hamburger Bun. The Battle for Breakfast is over, but The War for Lunch has just begun. There is no room on the Platter for Sausage!