If you won't listen to me, perhaps you will listen to the devs. Back on the very first page of this thread, this link was posted:https://thesageadvice.wordpress.com/tag/crossbow/
Jeremy Crawford says the "loaded" bit, as in bonus attack with a loaded crossbow, is flavor text. Mearls believes the text "should" specify a second weapon, implying that it doesn't by RAW. Both suggest that, by the book, firing a single hand crossbow twice, once as an action and once for bonus, is valid.
So the RAW is pretty firmly on my side. Game. Set. Match.