Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

[Seto]

RoyVG : (I've only read your last two or three posts so I may have missed some context). In any case, do take it as a definitive no. Then, you have three possibilities :

1) Get away. Avoid her and every contact with her for at least as long as it takes for you to move on, and then maybe if you both still want it you can be friends again, in a less ambiguous, more peaceful way. Even if she wants to pursue the friendship, she should understand that it puts your feelings and your happiness in jeopardy, and she should be able to make this sacrifice for you. You're entitled to demand that from her. Now, you certainly don't want to do that, because you'd rather be close to her no matter what and you're ready to settle for a friendship. I understand : to stop seeing her is the most painful route in the short run, and the fact that it's the most reasonable route still doesn't make you want to follow it since your heart's not in it. But you really should consider it. It's insufferable at first and it progressively gets better. And if you do make it and start over a friendship with her again, I guarantee you the relationship will be healthier and more fulfilling for it.

2) Stay friends and forget all hope. This is basically the "get away" option, but without actually getting away and taking time to heal. I've ended up doing that (after two years of option 3) and man, it's hardcore. I really do not recommend it. Because hope doesn't go away easily, it's something you have to kill slowly, and the process is not pleasant. The more emotional investment in her you already have put, the longer it takes. You might think that seeing her everyday and being best friends makes up for that, but it's a mistake, because if you're earnest in your effort to move on, you shouldn't allow yourself to enjoy her presence beyond that of a good friend (and you should beat yourself up over doing so), and the line is blurry. Basically, if you go that way, you have to constantly tell apart what is and what is not susceptible of making your feelings grow. Although the yearning for physical intimacy is painful, it's not a problem because it's pretty clear-cut what you can and cannot do. It's the emotional intimacy that gets you. While your heart yearns for it and for the sweetness of being close to the person you love, you have to restrain yourself (because she isn't in your brain and she's not gonna do it for you) and just be friends, but not best friends or even that close a friend, because that's a slippery slope. I believe I read something about you wanting to help her with a problem : don't. That would be the way to badness. You certainly want to help her or protect her, and maybe you'd be able to, but letting go of that is a crucial step if you want to move on. Accept that, while you may be important to her, you're not necessary and someone else can fill that particular role.
In short, this route is longer and harder than 1), the results are much less guaranteed, and seeing her everyday doesn't even make up for it because you have to be on your toes all the time and mistrust the joy you feel in her presence, which pretty much ruins it. The only actual benefit is that you do get to know her better and build up potential for a great and close friendship for when you get better.

3) Stay friends and keep on loving her in a platonic way (without bringing up the topic again, of course. She's heard you, if she ever considers it she'll let you know). It's by far the less painful and less difficult option to take in the short run, because that's what your heart wants. And contrary to 2), you authorize yourself to feel what you're feeling in her presence. Sure, it's often painful and frustrating, but loving someone, especially someone close to you, is a blissful path and that bliss may very well make up for the pain. Especially if she's insecure or something, and you can be there for her and tell her how awesome she is and help her and give her faith etc. I took that route for two years, and I know it worked for me : I kept saying that it was well worth it.
But in the long run it's a trap. Taking that route means keeping building up emotional investment. Which means that it'll be ten times harder when you eventually do decide to get over her. Because it is unlikely the problem will solve itself, and by feeding your love you make it all the more unlikely. Besides, the friendship will never truly blossom this way : if one loves the other romantically, it's always one-sided and out of balance despite the two people's best efforts. I can't begin to tell you how much more fulfilling my friendship with my girl Helen has been since I've gotten over her (with option 2) after two years of option 3) during which we tried two months of option 1), the process took about a year).

So, three possibilities. Being a reasonable person with no emotional interest in the matter, and since the hard choices to make are not mine, I can safely assure you that the best option is 1). But it's your life, your feelings and all three options are existentially valid. I'm just trying to help you make an educated choice.