Relationship Woes and Advice XXVI. Status: It's Complicated

[Glass Mouse]

Serpentine, yeah that's not okay. Sounds like he has trouble distinguishing what is a problem (I've been there, too.) Tell him through his mom's account that you don't believe that's a healthy situation--that it demonstrates at least two warning signs of an abusive relationship--and do tell his family to keep an eye on him. You might not be able to convince him, but speaking from personal experience, I'd prefer "Your S.O. is emotionally abusing you" to "Well, (s)he's probably a pretty cool person..." when the advice-giver can see what the involved party can't.

I agree that this situation has NOPENOPENOPENOPE written all over it. Much sympathy to your friend, Serp.

But! Barging in there with pointed fingers of "abuse!" is likely not gonna end well. He is likely in the honeymoon phase with this girl, and since he hasn't already kicked her to the curb for her unreasonable demands, it's safe to assume that she will be able to spin any intervention to her purposes - "see, honey, she's already trying to come between us, she really wants you as a standby rebound, huh?"

I don't know the perfect thing to do. But I think it is much more important to convey that "hey friend, I'm sad that you cut me off, but I will always be here for talking or support, should you need it" than any kind of intellectual insight of "you must see that this situation is wrong". People in relationships don't break up because people tell them that they should. They double down. And knowing that they can look forward to love and support rather than "I told you so!" is so, so, so important.

But he definitely could stand to hear some version of "wow, I definitely wouldn't stand for that if it were me, but if you're happy, I respect that". Reality check + acknowledgement of his intelligence and agency (something that abusers are VERY good at stealing from their victims) might be helpful. Don't jump to abuse accusations, just help stabilize what he might be coming to see as normal, acceptable behaviour. That's much more useful for him.

tl;dr Jokingly suggested "friends with benefits" to ex, ex actually going for it and wanting to go further than we did when we were together. Wat do.

Well, do you actually want an FWB arrangement? I'd think that's the important part.

People change in weird ways, and you two just broke up. She's likely reevaluating a ton of things right now. But if it bothers you a lot, I don't think it would be unreasonable to make "this feels kinda weird" noises and then talk it out.

ETA: Some people find sex much easier when less is at stake. You are no longer "the man she will marry, who will judge her for slacking her principles" but rather "that ex she knows to be trustworthy and kind and whose opinion doesn't matter that much anymore". I suspect that might be a factor.