These are unrelated, mostly. But real!

"No, Calvin, you cannot turn mayonnaise into radiant energy."

"How long does my nostril eye last?"

"What kind of a paladin of cheese pizza are you?"

"The dwarf carefully reads over your love note. Three times. After a long, awkward pause: you know I'm a dude, right?"

"I want to drench my kuo-toan army in mayonnaise!"

"I hold up a gold coin!" *everyone screams*

"I am the god of kuo-toa!"
"Not a sexy shoeless god of war?"
(you can tell we read OOTS)

"How's the sexy kobold doing?"
"Uh - Gah! I'd forgotten that . . ."
"By the way, when are you coming back?"
"Er . . ."

"I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY I KILLED THEM! IT WAS A MISTAKE!"
"It was cowardice and stupidity."
"THAT TOO!"

"The fuse looked too big to cut."

"What material is this rope?"
"Hemp."
"I smoke it."

"MAKE NEW DOOR!"

"I bounce on the bed."
"You embed yourself in the ceiling."

"You reach through the portal and touch yourself."

"*my name*, think this through. What is going to happen?"
I did it anyway.

"Yes, the cure is to burn yourself to death."

"Let's play halflingball!"

"NOOOO! MY SLAVE!"

"If those are ropers there, are those things with hooks on their hands hookers?"

"No, my backstory is more depressing!"
"Oh, yeah? How many people die in yours?"

"First the quest card, now this."
"*my name*, help me think of ways to kill him."

"Do that and you'll be called Stumpy."
"I already lost a hand."
"No, the head."