Dungeon Delvers

[AcerbicOrb]

I feel like an ass to say this; but it seems awfully flat right now. The strips just seem to start, feature a few panels of the characters mentioning dungeon-crawling conventions, and then end with no gag or any sort of development. Simply mentioning things, or even explaining things, isn't really the same as making them funny or interesting.

There are gag opportunities here. Why is Tristram so quick to assume that someone in a dress and pointy hat is a wizard and not, say, a lost village idiot? Is there a profession dress code in force in their world? Why would he even ask if a guy standing OUTSIDE the dungeon greeting random armed passers-by is "the wizard of the dungeon"? What does he think wizards build dungeons (Or towers, or fortresses of darkness, or whatever) FOR? Assuming somehow he WAS "the wizard of the dungeon", why would they even think he'd give a truthful answer? You could have probably have got a 2-3 strips worth of humour just out of lampshading how silly Tristam's questions were in that one panel alone. But it just didn't happen.

It's also odd that the characters speak with familarity of game concepts such as "xp" and "hitpoints total" while having to have much more intuitive concepts like "spellcasters probably shouldn't run into melee" and "monsters tend to get tougher the further in you go" explained to them.

Yeah. Good going for making something. Needs work.

Yeah, everything you say here is true. I've written up a new script for the first few pages. Is it enough of an improvement to go with, or should I go for a completely new plot?

Spoiler

Show

Strip 1 (Introduces Tristram, Introduces Dungeon Plotline)

PANEL 1: Tristram, in peasant garb, approaches Ye Generic Inne.
PANEL 2: Tristram at the bar, the Innkeeper on the other side.
-Tristram: “How’s business, Harald?”
-Harald: “Awful. With that dark wizard still at large, and people dissapearing everyday, no outsiders travel to the village. Without traders coming through, the whole village is starving."
PANEL 3: As above.
-Tristram: “It’s no better out on the farms. Just the other day, old Brynton’s farmstead went up in flames. All that’s left is the dark wizard’s symbol.”
-Harald: “The man will be missed."
PANEL 4: As above.
-Tristram: “He will. Someone needs to track down that wizard and bring him to justice.”
-Harald: “Aye, but who’s going to be the man to do it?”
PANEL 5: As above.
-Beat.
PANEL 6: As above.
-Tristram: “I’ll do it.”
-Harald: “You’ve always been a brave lad. Best of luck to you, Tristram. You slay that villain, and you’ll have free drinks for a lifetime.”
PANEL 7: Double width. Tristram walking away from the bar, towards the exit. Tavern is empty except for Tristram, Harald, and a cloaked stranger. The cloaked stranger is sat at a table near the exit.
-Cloaked Stranger: “Hey, you!”

Strip 2 (Introduces Ashlynn, Develops Tristram, Tells A Joke)

PANEL 1: Inside of Ye Generic Inne. The cloaked stranger stands in front of Tristram, who is visibly surprised.
-Cloaked Stranger: “You’re going to hunt down the dark wizard, right?”
PANEL 2: The cloaked stranger puts down her hood, revealing she is Ashlynn.
-Ashlynn: “Because if you are, we should totally team up! I’m hunting him too. I’m Ashlynn, by the way.”
-Tristram (thought): “Whoa... Not what I was expecting.”
PANEL 3: Tristram is neutral.
-Tristram: “I am. Teaming up sounds like a good idea to me. The name’s Tristram.”
-Ashlynn: “Great! But first, I do have one condition...”
-Tristram: “And that is?”
PANEL 4: Ashlynn is smiling deviously.
-Ashlynn: “I get half of the loot, and first dibs on any magic items.”
-Tristram: “That’s fine. I’m not in this for the loot.”
-Ashlynn: “Let’s get going, then!”
-Tristram: “I have some things to do first. Let’s meet here tommorow morning.”
PANEL 5: Gregor’s Forge. Gregor, a blacksmith, stands over an avil with a hammer in hand. Tristram holds out a bag of coins.
-Tristram: “One chestplate, one longsword and one shield, please.”
PANEL 6: A farm field. Tristram is hugging his childhood friend Heraia. Her pitchfork is stabbed into the ground and stands up.
-Heraia: “Come back in one piece, Tristram.”
-Tristram: “I will, my friend.”
PANEL 7: Inside of a Church. Tristram is praying to a stone statue of a deity.
PANEL 8: Inside Tristram’s home. His mother, an old woman, is handing him a bag.
-Tristram’s Mum: “I packed you some things, dear. Lunch, a change of clothes, your favourite teddy bear-”
-Tristram (interrupting): “Thanks, mum.”

Strip 3

PANEL 1: Tristram and Ashlynn are walking through grasslands.
-Ashlynn: “This is the most generic start to an adventure ever.”
-Tristram: “What do you mean?”
PANEL 2: As above.
-Ashlynn: “We met in an Inn, and we’re now off to raid the dungeon of an evil wizard, who is terrorising the people of a small village. Generic with a capital G, and probably a capital E, too.”
PANEL 3: As above.
-Tristram: “That’s true.”
-Ashlynn: “At least we’re not a stereotypical fighter, rogue and mage party.”
PANEL 4: Tristram and Ashlynn turn around to face a new voice.
-Stranger (off screen): “Hail, adventureres! Are you hunting down the dark invoker who plagues these lands?”
PANEL 5: Tobias enters the scene, looking wizardly as ****. Ashlynn is surprised.
-Tristram: “We are. I am Tristram, and this is my ally Ashlynn.”
-Tobias: “I am the wizard Tobias, and I wish to join you.”
PANEL 6: Ashlynn is angry.
-Tristram: “We could do with a wizard in the group. You’re in.”
-Tobias: “Splendid! Onwards to glory, then.”
PANEL 7: Double width. The three are walking along, past a sign. The sing points forwards, to ‘Shadowcave Dungeons’, and backwards, to ‘Ashwall Village’. Ashlynn is still angry.
-Tristram: “Looks like you spoke too soon, Ashlynn.”
-Ashlynn (thought): “I hate this generic campaign setting...”

Strip 4 (Tells A Joke)

PANEL 1: The trio are walking along.
Tristram: “Tobias?”
Tobias: “Yes?”
Tristram: “Why are you wearing a dress?"
PANEL 2: Tobias is angry. Tristram is confused.
Tobias: “You fool! This garment is not a dress.”
Tristram: “Oh, sorry. It’s a dressing gown, then?"
PANEL 3: Ashlynn is now smiling.
Tobias: “Certainly not! It is a wizard’s robe!”
Ashlynn: “It looks like a dress, though. Why don’t you just wear normal clothes? Or some armour?"
PANEL 4: Tristram is neutral.
Tobias: “If I did not dress in this way, how would people know that I am a wizard? robe and the pointed hat are universally recongnised as the clothes of a wizard."
PANEL 5: As above.
Ashlynn: “Or the clothes of someone pretending to be a wizard. Are you a real wizard?”
Tobias: “Of course I am! Honestly, how very rude to-”
Ashlynn (interrupting): “Prove it, then. Cast a spell. Go on.”
PANEL 6: As above.
Tobias: “Very well. I shall demonstrate my arcane power, and then you can rescind
your ridiculous allegations.”
Ashlynn: “Go on then.”
PANEL 7: Tobias standing in the middle of the trio, with his hands above his head, conjuring a ball of magical light.
PANEL 8: Tobias has stopped the spell and dropped his arms to his side.
Tobias: “Are you satisfied that I am a wizard?”
Ashlynn: “Yeah.”

Strip 5 (Advances The Plot)

PANEL 1: The trio walking through grasslands.
Ashlynn: “Do you actually know where this dungeon is?”
Tristram: “Umm... Well...”
PANEL 2: Ashlynn is surprised.
Ashlynn: “You don’t, do you?”
Tristram: “I was hoping that you knew!”
Ashlynn: “If I knew, why would I be following you and not leading you?”
PANEL 3: Ashlynn is neutral.
Ashlynn: “This is just brilliant. We’re off to kill a wizard, but we don’t evil know where his dungeon is.”
PANEL 4: Tobias raises his eyebrows and points forwards.
Tobias: “Have the pair of you considered looking in that direction?”
PANEL 5: Double width, double height. Shows a small mountain range, the peaks topped with snow. The dungeon entrance is barely visible at the bottom.
Ashlynn: “Huh. My passive perception is awful.”