Personal Woes and Advice 4

[Glass Mouse]

Hey there! I'm having an issue I never expected to face and could use some advice.

as a child I was very emotional and my parents were very angry and harsh people, never physically abusive, and my mother only crossed the line to verbally or emotionally abusive a couple times, and I've always told myself I'd never become like that.

Well puberty hit and I developed some social anxiety issues, I did a complete 180 personality-wise, I became very withdrawn and quiet. The anxiety, the harsh parents and all the "fun' stuff one goes through in highschool caused me to fall into a very bad depression. From the time I was 14 to the time I was 26 not a day went by that I didn't think of killing myself, whenever my mind went idle, like when trying to sleep, I would just get stuck thinking about how worthless and pathetic I was.

Then I met a girl, and things went horribly. it was just a cluster **** of bull**** for two years that ended with her and I making a clean mutual break from each other...and a few day later her trying to kill herself(due to consequences of something she did after the split) and me needing to literally patch her back up and take care of her for awhile.

A month or two passed and she got better, a mutual friend had a party we both went to and while there she just treated me like dirt. And thats it, I had enough, we went outside and we have an argument, she actually pushed me hard enough that I stood up for myself.

And that snapped me out of my 12 year depression. In the coming weeks I started to feel very different. No longer did I contemplat suicide, I didn't feel like there was something constantly squeezing my heart, still had the anxiety but the insomnia greatly lessened.

It was great...for a while. But a new issues come up. I've turned into my parents. I can no longer control my anger. I never feel the urge to become physically violent but I have absolutely no patience and cannot help but be...well an ******* to people who slight me in any way no matter how slight.

I hate it, this is honestly worse than before. I've been struggling with this for 2 years now and havent really made any headway. And worse yet I work in security, where my job is to be nice to *******s.

Oh boy. Much sympathy and many hugs to you. Abusive childhoods can really mess you up.

One thing I've learned, however, is: Deciding not to do something isn't enough. Deciding not to be angry and abusive like your parents is basically useless unless you develop the tools to do something differently. You'll still feel hurt, you'll still feel angry, and unless you replace the coping mechanisms your parents taught you with something more constructive, you'll just keep reproducing it.

Which is not your fault. It just means we can't produce perfect solutions and emotional responses out of thin air. You have work to do to get over this.

I half suspect that you weren't so much depressed as repressing everything that's now flooding out, but I'm no therapist, and we here can't diagnose. Either way, have you seen someone professional for the depression? Can you keep seeing that person? If not, are you at school and does the school have any counselors on standby? Does your budget allow you to go find proper help if free help isn't available?

Do you have a Team You? Friends and family members who you trust and with whom you could talk this through? Because your uncontrollably petty anger doesn't come from nowhere. It's likely a lifetime's worth of anger bubbling at the surface, and you need to deal with the actual anger, the one you feel towards your parents, your ex, probably yourself as well.

(and for the record, I know there's a lot of cultural pushback against it, but it's absolutely okay to be angry at ****ty parents)

I really, really, really recommend you find a professional. They can help you with cooldown methods, anger management, etc. Sometimes, just making that first bit of headway can be a tremendous help.

Because anger can be a force for good. Anger is what helps you stand up for yourself and others, and sometimes is the only way you'll get **** done. But you need to control it. Not repress it, not let it loose. Anger needs to be the fuel for constructive behaviours (such as standing up to abuse), but you need to learn those behaviours before anger can be helpful.

You can do it. It's hard work, and it's frustrating, but you deserve better than what your parents gave you. Go get it.