Wizard: Fire bolt is the multitool of wizards everywhere. It's as I say: if you can't solve it with continuous application of deadly heat, why bother?

DM: These creatures, you learn, have a sophisticated and deep language. They communicate by banging their hooks against corpses, and occasionally walls.
Fighter: I really hope that's the other way around.

Bard: Etherealness is the spectator mode of D&D.
Wizard: Fairly sure spectator mode has no horse-sized spiders trying to eat you.

Wizard: Is this Monsters That Petrify People: Greatest Hits or something?

Fighter: I like how whenever we get knocked out the villains are all like: "These irritating adventurers' lives and deaths are in my hands! I can kill them, imprison them, set them on fire, sell them into slavery... better heal them into consciousness and bargain for their lives, then send them on their way with most of the stuff they just stole from me."
DM: Well maybe that guy didn't want to kill you? Maybe he's got moral values he wants to uphold?
Fighter: He's a beholder!

Rogue: How's the bard doing? I didn't pay attention.
Wizard: Well, he got into a staring contest with a basilisk.

DM: Stealthily and currently undetected, you make your way through the second-last room. You know that the exit is nearby now: reaching it will be a matter of seconds.
Wizard: I walk into the next room, knowing my escape is imminent.
DM: Okay: the dozens of shriekers you encountered earlier are still here and begin screaming immediately.
Wizard: So much for being quiet.

Wizard: I may just have set the only way out on fire. Don't worry, I already escaped.
Rogue: I didn't!