Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
Just...thinking over why the whole "boundaries" idea always bothered me.

When most people talk about boundaries, the way they talk assumes that the primary thing stopping you from having boundaries is fear of being mean or rude. That it's a matter of telling yourself that you deserve to have boundaries, it's ok for you to have boundaries, you aren't being inappropriate or hurting other people by having boundaries.

My experience is that, when I'm afraid to set boundaries, it's because I'm afraid to be hurt worse. A predominant lesson in my life has been "people with boundaries get hurt because people with more power don't like that." If you can't leave a situation, or if the cost to leave a situation would be extremely high, it can be safer to not have boundaries.

The boundaries talk always felt like telling someone who was complaining about being mugged that they have a right to their money and don't have to give it away just because someone asks. The latter statement is technically true, but it's also not particularly useful. Once you're in that situation, what you have a right to is not that relevant. But when I asked questions along the lines of "how do I avoid getting mugged so often," it seemed like the answers were "you need to learn that you have a right to decide what to do with your own money."

My experience with boundaries is more like - you can have boundaries, or you can be able to afford medical care. You can have boundaries, or you can have a chance to finish a degree that will let you get away. You can have boundaries, or you can have the support you need to get your job done. But you can't count on being able to have both. I have a hard time understanding how normal people put boundaries into practice, because in my experience actually doing what people who talk about boundaries recommend is how you end up being a target, and targeting people with boundaries is a normal enough behavior that you can't reasonably expect to get away from it.

I get the feeling I'm missing something, but so far I don't have an answer other than "my life has had a lot of terrible people for mostly inexplicable reasons." Which really isn't helpful, because it kind of leaves me in a spot of, I should expect the future to be radically different from the past for no particular reason.
The part you are missing is that you have been trained by your abusive parent to believe that it is the boundary establishing attempts that cause you to be abused, and not them. Abuse teaches you to be afraid of confronting your abuser, and that any attempt at ending the abuse will lead to worse abuse.

Which is why having your own place hasn't helped you, because you have been trained to believe that any confrontation will make things worse so even now that you are in a position of absolute power you are too afraid to use it. It is why people go back to their abusers, and why escape is so hard.

Rationally the worst thing your Mom can do to you is what she is doing now, and you could stop it at any time with a few phone calls. But emotionally you are afraid that things will get worse if you don't cave. That is what your Mom wants you to feel, which is why she shows up at your home and work.

To make things better you are going to need to be brave, bear the fallout from saying no and possibly calling the police. But you have the power here, and without using it you are never going to be free.