The One True Law vs Chaos Alignment Rubric

[Grek]

1. If an antagonist is wet, sticky or soft, it is Chaotic.
2. If an antagonist is dry, crunchy or hard, it is Lawful.
3. The first two rules invert when dealing with allies.
4. The first three rules invert when dealing with aquatic life.
5. Anything that matches both or neither criteria is Neutral.

Examples:
By One, Demons are Chaotic. Demons are slimey, and the Abyss is an ocean according to Sumerian myth.
By Two, Devils are Lawful. Hell is very hot and has little water; their dry evil makes them Lawful.
By One, Slaad are Chaotic. Unless they defect from Chaos to help the PCs, in which case their slime is Lawful.
By Two, Modrons are Lawful. Unless they defect from Primus, in which case their circuits are full of Chaos.
By Three and One, Archons are Lawful. Celestia has an ocean of holy water after all and they are friends.
By Four and One, Aboleths are Lawful. Underwater, being a slime fish makes you a paragon of Water Law.
By Four and Two, Chuul are Chaotic. Underwater, having a shell makes you the manifestation of Sea Chaos.
By Five, a Flail Snail is Neutral. They have both slimey and crunchy aspects - these cancel out.
By Five, a Human is Neutral by default. We have both crunch and squish, so our actions determine our alignment.
By Five, the Colour Violet is Neutral. Violet is neither hard nor soft, wet nor dry - it is a Neutral concept.
By Two, the Icecream Truck is Chaotic Neutral. It is hard and metallic, but is is a icecream filled friend.

The Lawful Good dragons can all control the weather or swim. The Chaotic Good dragons live in the desert. Most Chaotic Evil dragons have a swim speed and Blues (Lawful Evil) live in the desert. The exceptions - Green and Red - are the most popular colours among dragon riders for their mounts, inverting their alignment as per Rule Three.

As you can see, all Law vs Chaos alignment debates can clearly be solved by this rubric.