Ah hello again. Ive kind of wanted to post something for a little while but i havent had anything in particular to say and typically when I have thought of this thread I have been too low of a mood to babble.

Anyway. I get to be home alone for two nights which is scary because I have been often on in a dangerous frame of mind. Ive definitely felt depressed. The funny thing is is that I find a big aspect of my depression is the lack of interest thing. I cant really focus on most books. Actually that isnt the funny thing. The funny thing is is that certain books such as the Stormlight Archive series can really strongly grab my attention which does a lot to make me feel better. But I doubt That that is particulArily transferable to other books that I enjoy.

Also another odd thing is that I am a fast reader. But I have anxiety about not reading as swiftly as I once did. And so I manipulate people into reminding me of how fast I read.

Now for generic problem thoughts. The ideas that play a part in my depression remain the same. By ideas I mean the particular thoughts which I recognize as being as much a symptom as a contributing factor. Im 26 living at home. Never had a relationship or a real job. I can sy I have more than one friend roght now which is good.

And I saw a job posting where I used to volunteer before the pandemic hit. I should apply but I havent yet due to a combination of procrastination and anxiety at seeing a gal/woman a few years younger than me who I had/have a crush on and enjoy talking to. But I actually got myself to ask her out maybe a year ago but she declined saying she didnt like dating people she knows from work. Also I later learned she is in a long distance relationship of some sort. Which anoyed me slightly that she didnt give that as the reason but I can guess reasons as why it is easier to not do that.

And there is another gal/woman who I want to try asking oit again several years since I spent much time with her. To some extent I rscognize that this would be a terrible desperate move. Good thing I havent done so.

Then I feel like I have a self actualization problem. I have a lot of ideas and hobbies. But I never feel like I do enough with them or ever make it into something meaningful. I play way to many video games but am not particularily adapt at any of them. I have some interesting ideas for rpgs to run but I never find the impetus to flesh them out. I have dozens of books waiting to be read. Numerous notebooks filled with pointless ideas going around in cidcles. I like the idea of writing a fantasy novel but I fail to put in the effort and anyway I am not a good writer. Just. Even what I do in life feels pointless.

Also I often find myself disgusting.

Thank you.