Spoiler: SpoilerThe insidious thing about my depression right now if that I can recognize my positive traits but I am having a hard time valuing them very highly. I feel like I am too undisciplined to ever get anything done. To actually do anything I can feel proud of takes commitment I don't have. And it isn't just things like being single and unemployed but things like how i have always liked the idea of writing fantasy but I just don't have to commitment needed to practice. Similarily I have some good ideas for rpg games I could run but I haven't made myself develop them beyond an outline and a couple of names for a CoC scenario. And honestly I am not very good at roleplaying which feels disheartening because I have invested so much time and energy to the hobby.
Thank you for reminding me of the hotline I will make use of it if necesarry. And I doubt I will do anything to hurt myself because the time that got me hospitalized was brought about because of an important university deadline I had utterly failed to complete and the reaching the point where I would have to admit my failings to my family.
Thank you for your time and I hope you start feeling better soon.