Kirby, you should learn the protocol of dialogues; here's a good guide (just replace the question marks by either " or ', whichever fits). Your story would read much better this way (typos corrected in bold):
Spoiler
Show
*creeeaak* The door opened and Haley turned around to greet Elan...
"Oh hi El- Eeeek!!! El- el- Elan? Is th- th- that you?"
"Yes... I met some fiends. They came when I found an ad on the ground..." said the evil looking Elan.
"Fiends! YOU SOLD YOUR SOUL TO FIENDS!!!" exclaimed the terrified Haley.
"That does not matter Haley, with this power I can do anything! We may do anything! Come to my side, Haley, and we may rule the WORLD!!! Mwahahahaha!!!"
"Never! Elan, I know the old you is in there! Fight It!"
"I am Elan. Suggestion. I am the bard you love. Suggestion. Join me!"
Haley's pupils dilated "Yes, I will join you Elan," she said.
Come to our bed, Haley...
Aaagh
MY EYES
Ooooooooohh
Stop it!
Sorry
Also, some colors are difficult to read on this forum, such as Lime and Yellow. Sorry if I sound overly nitpicky, but these are little tips that can easily make the reading experience of your stories more enjoyable.
Originally Posted by
Minion992929
It's been a long time.Critique, if you will.
The only critique I can offer is pointing out typos; corrected in bold:
All his attention was focused squarely on the
woman across the table.
It was at that point Lien realized that Durkon had fallen silent and was staring at her,
or across the scatter of denuded bowls and the half-picked food.
Also, I loved this line:
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
