Today I woke up with a bit of a headache and an itchy tooth. Probably because of the ghost yelling in my face the day before, he would
not shut up. Or maybe it was the dying thing; a bit stress-inducing if you ask me. The sun was mostly covered in clouds, and it was going to start raining in 13 minutes and 26 seconds. Meh.
Then I remembered that today, Mrs. Crough was coming by, and I sat bolt upright.
I ran over to where I was going to find my runes in three seconds, and three seconds later, I hid them in the floor. I put the trigger rune on the windowsill, and wrote a quick note on a sheet of paper: "Do Not Disturb from 2:44 to 4:18 PM." I got my robes and magic items for the day, put them on, and went outside. I told my attendants to go set up the Slightly Amusing-level tests (there was going to be a low-level adventurer coming by at 11:12), and walked out to the bushes to wait for them to fail.
***
He was one of the worst people who could have come right before a visit by Mrs. Crough, and he made me have a late lunch. It didn't much matter, though. When the little white cat walked in the doorway, I was prepared. She walked up the stairs and I closed the door behind us as she turned into a creature that could talk.
"Mrs. Crough, good to see you again. How have you been?"
You're a little tired, and the halfling isn't as comforting a target as Shojo.
"Uh- you don't look familiar. Does the Oracle have shifts or something?"
"We've got a memory charm around the whole place, you don't remember anything but answers."
"Oh. Well, to answer you, I'm a little tired. Ugh, the halfling doesn't feed me nearly as well as Shojo does."
"I sympathize; you may have forgotten, but he killed me yesterday. Nasty little bugger, but I had my revenge. What did you come here for?" Yes, I knew exactly what she was going to say, but it's worth having polite conversation.
"I had a few questions, actually."
"One person, one question. Sorry."
She sighed, and sat down on a chair. "I've been worried about this party of adventurers the halfling's with, especially the fairy. They are so stupid, and yet so powerful, that I can't help thinking that they're going to cause a lot of problems. Shojo knew what he was doing, but he got himself killed by a paladin..." She paused, and stared into the distance, and if she had been slightly less repulsive than the elven form she was in now, I might actually have felt sorry for her.
"Go on."
"..he had the best food. Anyway, my question is: Will they- wait, are they- a sec, where- darnit, what was my question..?"
I could scarcely conceal my smile as well as I concealed the crystal trinket in my pocket.
"Your question, madam, was 'Will the Order of the Stick destroy the world?'"
"Yes, that was it! Will the-"
"You're welcome, now how will you be paying?"
This was my favorite part of the process; the part where they realize that I'm completely right and that they have to pay me and leave. It was all the better because of what was going to happen next.
"How will I be paying, you stupid kobold?! You didn't answer my question! I'll pay you when- ooohh...."
As I touched the rune on the windowsill, her head fell forward, and she began to change. Her skin grew thicker and smoother, and her hair shortened. As her face grew longer and her jaw became more protruding, her whole body was shrinking, and becoming closer to my size. She looked beautiful, and it was tarnished only by the horrified expression on her face. When her tail was fully-formed and her feed became webbed, though, the spell hit her.
Suddenly she saw me in a new light; suddenly I was the most wonderfully attractive thing in the world. I walked over to her and slowly untied her robes, and she started to reach for mine. She looked at me with such a hungry look on her face...
***
Mrs. Crough walked through the halls of the blind man's house, fuming at the Oracle, but rules were rules and no answer could be obtained for another month or so. She would definitely be back, though. She would get an answer from him as soon as she could and maybe she would write her question down this time.
"Unnnhh... is that you, Mr. Scruffy? I can't see very well.... what have you been up to?" Belkar barfed, and Mrs. Crough narrowly dodged it.
If only I could remember, she thought.
Re: Crack Pairings II - Brain Bleach not Supplied
