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"I... need a prediction..." I looked up, and saw standing in the doorway a drow draped in green robes. He had a red headband around his flowing white hair.
"Of course you do, why else would you be here?" I chuckled at my joke. "Right then, what do you want to know?" I already knew, of course. I knew the drow would be coming, what he would ask, and exactly what would happen today. Still, I trembled in anticipation... it had been so long since anything like this, and even knowing what is going to happen doesn't calm your nerves.
"Tired of living alone... where will I find my true love?"
"Listen, Zz'Dtri, I could tell you the answer, but you won't like it. Hell, I could tell you any answer, and you'd believe me, and you'd like it better than this answer, I know that."
"You want more money?" I chuckled, but the dark elf didn't let any emotion cross his face.
"I love how everybody thinks it's about money. No, I don't need more money from you, I just need you to realize that you won't like the answer." The truth of the matter was that I simply couldn't bring myself to say it. So long I'd been without, and here I was... so close. I knew what would happen, but I couldn't bring myself to go through with it. What if my vision was wrong? What if it wasn't to happen, and I'd need to wait centuries more? What if...
"Understood. The answer, please?" I sighed.
"My powers have revealed to me that you shall find your true love... here. And now." I closed my eyes, waiting for the drow to draw his scimitars and kill me. To thrust those weapons through my frail, lonely, bitter body, cutting short the life of loneliness I'd been living.
"...you? Prove it."
"How do you want me to prove it?" I couldn't believe this... the visions were right? Would I finally have somebody? Zz'Dtri leaned down to me, his face nearing mine.
"However you wish." I took a deep breath, gathering my composure. I had no idea how this was supposed to work, having never been a mammal myself. I pulled Zz'Dtri's face the last few inches to my face, and performed something I hoped would pass as a kiss. After a few seconds, I stopped, and look up at Zz'Dtri, who had a blank expression on.
"I... I'm sorry... I just..." Before I could finish my apology, he lifted me up in his arms and embraced me tightly. I could tell that he had a smile spread wide across his face.
"Finally, I am alone no longer!" I could feel tears running down his face, and I was moved. It seems I'd finally have somebody as well. I'm not afraid to admit I started crying.
"I've been alone for so long... it's... such a comfort to have somebody to love... I..." I trailed off, not knowing how to say it.
"I think I know what you mean..." Zz'Dtri dropped me, and as he stood before me, slowly removed his robe.
Underneath, he was strong, muscled, and everything that would pass for attractive to mammals, but not to me. Yet somehow... he was. He still had some light armor on, and his pants, and he smiled at the expression I must have had on. "I see you like it." He reached down to the waist of his pants, and slowly, he-
"Dammit! I'm out of paper!" The Oracle, obviously pissed at having run out of paper, ripped several pages out of the book he was writing in, and tossed the rest of it into a pile containing dozens more. He pulled out a new book, and put the papers in the front, before casting Mending on them. He dipped his quill into the ink and started writing again. He sighed, "Someday, Zz'Dtri, we shall meet... and it shall be Celestia on the Material Plane..."
Never once did it cross his mind that he was doing all of this for somebody he had never met.
Re: Crack Pairings 3 - 50% More Squick
