Hidey-ho folks! I hope you don't mind a new guy dropping in to try his luck? I've got two stories for you folks tonight, both thanks to the random coupling table.
First up, we have Celia flirting with disaster:
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The moonlight illuminated Celia’s skin as she adjusted the straps of her dress. She brought her hand down on the cheap inn’s doorknob. She lingered for a moment before bringing her hand back down to her side, sighing slightly as she did so. She leaned against the wall as she turned back around to the bed where her partner for the night lay, unmoving, as he watched her. Celia found it disconcerting how intently her partner in adultery was looking at her. Clearing her throat, she said, “I’m not a bad person.”
She allowed her statement to linger for a moment. When her one-night lover gave no reply, she continued. “It’s not like I do this constantly. But sometimes a girl has needs, and, well, I didn’t want to bother R…my boyfriend…with it.” She ran a hand through her hair, eyes cast down to the floor. “It’s not that he doesn’t get me emotionally, he just has a lot to deal with right now. He’s kind of on a mission to save the world. It’s not like a lot of the other world-saving quests going on; if he fails, well…I don’t think I’ll have to worry about my next court date.”
She bit her lip for a moment before blowing a curl of hair away from her mouth. “My case load has just been so overbearing, that I needed to unwind. When we met at the bar, I didn’t exactly think it would lead to…” she moved her hands in slow circles, trying to find an appropriate way to describe what had happened and settled on “this…but I can’t find it in me to regret it. Not totally, at least. And, well, it was a one night thing, right? It’s not like this’ll haunt me forever.” Before a response could come from her fling, Celia stated, “Yeah, I’m not a bad person.” Clearing her throat, she opened the door and said, “Anyway, it was nice meeting you.” Before leaving and shutting the door behind her.
Thog scratched his head in confusion as he watched the funny pale lady leave. He wasn’t exactly sure what had just happened with them, but he knew it wasn’t all that bad. Not as great as ice cream, or hugging a kitty, but fun to do. And Thog would do anything fun once. And that gave him a great idea.
Smiling to himself, the half-orc wrapped the blanket around him as an impromptu robe. Strolling happily to the door, he tore it off its hinges and headed out into the city. He’d always wondered what it’d be like to sled off of a roof.
He found the sledding to be infinitely more entertaining, his rumbling laughter echoing throughout the skyline of the city.
In our second story, we have Lien finding how inconvenient it can be to deal with the attention of several suitors:
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Lien grimaced as she skewered yet another hobgoblin on her spear. The horrid creature’s sword and shield made a terrible clanging noise as it dropped to the dock. Lien was used to the noise of battle. What she wasn’t used to was the smile plastered on the monster’s face, even as it died. She knew fanaticism could do odd things to a person (or a hobgoblin); having to be around Miko had shown her that. Yet she hadn’t been prepared to see hobgoblins display it to a level that would put even Miyazaki’s to shame. Well, at least give her a run for her money.
Lien also didn’t understand their tactics. Despite having superior numbers, they chose to come at her one at a time. Which wasn’t odd, after all, considering they went on the same, or nearly the same, initiative. What was odd was the fact that they didn’t try to maneuver around her, attempt to put her in flanking. Instead, they chose to merely come at her in a straight line, which gave her ample time to exploit her Combat Reflexes feat. She gave a small prayer to the Twelve Gods that she had bothered to take it; for a time, she had thought it was a wasted feat slot. Nor did she have much to complain about the hobgoblin’s bizarre tactics. On her honor, not a single one would board, nay, even touch Lord Hinjo’s junk, or those already upon it.
She thrust her spear towards the latest charging hobgoblin, and allowed her jaw to drop in awe as the creature nearly avoided being impaled just like so many of his comrades. The orange-skinned brute grabbed her by her cloak and brought its axe down, Lien’s eyes helplessly watching its path.
She was relieved when the creatures axe simply cut off her cloak. She was equally dumbstruck when the creature, smiling widely, held the cloak up to his fellows and screamed, “Guys! Guys! Her cloak! I got her cloak]!”
Several irritated groans came from the ranks in front of her, and she had to force herself from dropping her spear in shock as some of the hobgoblins threw their weapons down in irritation, others merely groaning. The victor among them continued to hold the cloak up where each of his comrades could see, gloating over the clear dominance it felt it had over them. It would be short lived as Lien slammed her spear into the monster’s turned back, the tip protruding out its stomach. He fell onto the planks of the pier as so many of the others had, cloak still firmly grasped in victory.
The front ranks of the force came crashing towards her, and Lien set her spear to prepare for the chargers. Her jaw fell open in awe when, instead of crashing in on her like a wave, the goblins fell in upon one another, grasping and clawing for the cloak that lay in their fallen ally’s hand. A huge pile of orange tinted flesh and whirling steel erupted in front of her as the band began to fight one another over the cape. Against her better judgment, Lien dug her spear into the boards of the dock and leaned on it, simply watching the army tear itself apart for a frivolity. She supposed they believed the cloak was magic item which, in fact, it was. Unfortunately for them, it wouldn’t activate for anyone other than a paladin acknowledged by the Twelve Gods.
She felt the breath escaped her lungs as one of the hobgoblins broke from the tangled mass and rushed towards her, sword drawn. Pulling up her spear, she thrust toward the creature and stifled back a swear as she barely missed. If there was anything that truly irritated her, it was missing opponents Armor Class by one.
She gritted her teeth as she awaited the sting of steel slashing through her flesh.
Instead, she got the sting of the monster’s lips against her own. She was too shocked to pull away from the creature, though the feeling wasn’t entirely unpleasant. She would’ve enjoyed it even, had she been able to disassociate it from coming from a creature hell-bent on destroying her city.
The creature finally broke the lip lock, smirking in satisfaction. The smirk didn’t drop a bit as Lien’s spear penetrated his stomach and, with one last breath, the hobgoblin exclaimed, “Totally worth it.”
I think the first one is mediocre, though I feel the second is much more entertaining.
I've done dozens of rolls on the crack pairing tables, so I have several more of these eventually coming. Most of these will be humorous little one offs, though I've found that, amusingly enough, that the random rolls have somehow inadvertently created reoccurring themes (Celia and adultery, for example). Along with these, however, I'm planning to eventually start on a series based around a single pairing that I just can't get out of my head. It's somewhat AU, and while still humorous, would also be a lot more serious than the one-offs I intend to do.
The pairing is Miko/Therkla, and I don't know how I ended up getting myself obsessed with it (though I'll admit that I've always loved half-orc characters for some reason). It basically assumes that Miko (just barely) survives the explosion of Soon's Gate and is thrown onto Hinjo's junk, while Therkla survives her otherwise fatal poisoning. Originally I had just intended to do the story as a one off as well, but it really grew on me for some reason.
Anyway, hope you enjoyed my first little forays into this, though I'll admit they aren't my A game and are nowhere near the excellence of many of the stories earlier in the thread.
Originally Posted by Nathander
Hidey-ho folks! I hope you don't mind a new guy dropping in to try his luck? I've got two stories for you folks tonight, both thanks to the random coupling table.
Re: Crack Pairings IV - You Can't Unread It
*Claps delighted* Don't put yourself down, those were brilliant!