Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

[Syka]

My standby for first dates is ice skating. Never had a date go ice skating, but it would be great fun, even (especially) if you both suck at it.

Cheers~

[averagejoe]

Bingo.

Also, don't be ashamed about the "met on the internet" part. There's nothing wrong with that. Also also, if you used the word "love" you probably came on a bit strong - especially considering (I assume) you've never met face to face.

This is something I've never understood. I tend to think of love as a good thing, and not at all scary. Heck, there's a lot of people I love with whom I would never enter into any sort of romantic affair, yet somehow it's weird to think of them like this.

[Felixaar]

It's not the way I function either, Joe, but I think some girls - and guys too - get frightened off when you say "love". It probably just seems like too much of a commitment for them, whether they actually have feelings for the person in question or not. It'd be sort of like applying for the CEO job of a multinational corporation just after leaving school; you just have to do a bit of work between now and then.

So, yeah. Not the way I feel about the subject but some people react differently.

[averagejoe]

It's not the way I function either, Joe, but I think some girls - and guys too - get frightened off when you say "love". It probably just seems like too much of a commitment for them, whether they actually have feelings for the person in question or not. It'd be sort of like applying for the CEO job of a multinational corporation just after leaving school; you just have to do a bit of work between now and then.

So, yeah. Not the way I feel about the subject but some people react differently.

Oh, I get that, I'm just griping. Really, I blame the romantics. They've forever ruined romance for everyone.

[TheCountAlucard]

Well, fellow Playgrounders, I'm afraid my sucky memory has only made things worse.

The way my memory works is fairly odd; I'll randomly remember the most obscure things at the weirdest times, but when it comes time to recall something important, it feels as though the information I'm looking for has slipped away like sand through my clenched fists. Tonight I forgot about one of her pet peeves, and she found out about it only minutes after, and now I'm really suffering for it.

Things are tenuous at best for poor Alucard; he dances on a razor's edge, and he fears that he might lose her forever if things go too far one way or the other.

[Serpentine]

This is something I've never understood. I tend to think of love as a good thing, and not at all scary. Heck, there's a lot of people I love with whom I would never enter into any sort of romantic affair, yet somehow it's weird to think of them like this.

It's scary as hell if 1. you don't feel anything like the same way, 2. all the stuff I listed above, and 3. If you don't feel ready or worthy for/of such strong emotions.
Spoken by one who was pretty much scared out of a relationship by expressions of love

Alucard: What pet peeve?

[TheCountAlucard]

Talking about (something specific that I'll not make the same mistake again by speaking of) behind her back.

[averagejoe]

It's scary as hell if 1. you don't feel anything like the same way, 2. all the stuff I listed above, and 3. If you don't feel ready or worthy for/of such strong emotions.
Spoken by one who was pretty much scared out of a relationship by expressions of love

All that stuff you listed above doesn't seem very much like love to me (if you were referring to the implication of one person owing the other or needing to do something or what have you). I'm not sure why it would matter that you don't feel the same way either. As for the third, not feeling worthy is a personal issue, though I'd ask if you really think the person who loves you is stupid enough to fall for someone unworthy of it.

The "you" in each case being nonspecific.

[Serpentine]

Well, the aforementioned stuff wasn't meant to be "love", but an example of the sorts of things that go through someone's head when someone else confesses such feelings, this idea that it means you somehow owe them, that it means they expect things from you. I never said it was true, just that that's the sort of pressure it puts on you. As for the other two, I don't think they would apply so much now - it happened in high school - but, well, you said that you didn't understand, and they're reasons why I was scared of it at the time.

[averagejoe]

Well, the aforementioned stuff wasn't meant to be "love", but an example of the sorts of things that go through someone's head when someone else confesses such feelings, this idea that it means you somehow owe them, that it means they expect things from you. I never said it was true, just that that's the sort of pressure it puts on you. As for the other two, I don't think they would apply so much now - it happened in high school - but, well, you said that you didn't understand, and they're reasons why I was scared of it at the time.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to argue, just more fully explore your thoughts on the matter.

[Serpentine]

That's fair enough.
Alright then...

"I'm not sure why it would matter that you don't feel the same way either.": Did I lead them on? Did I make them think that I feel some way that I don't? I should feel the same way about them. Why don't I? Is there something wrong with me, or them? Would it hurt them more if I own up to my lack of feelings now, or to keep on the same way and hope my feelings develop? Should I end it now, in case I just lead them on, or continue on the way we have been? etc, etc, so on and so forth...

"I'd ask if you really think the person who loves you is stupid enough to fall for someone unworthy of it.": Is it just their own low self-esteem talking? Do they have me up on a pedestal? Have I deceived them? Have I made them see things that aren't there? Have I exaggerated my virtues and hidden my faults? How can they love me when they don't even really know me? What do they see that I don't? Do they really see it, or do they just think they do? How can they know what love is, anyway? etc, etc, so on and so forth.

[Felixaar]

Oh, I get that, I'm just griping. Really, I blame the romantics. They've forever ruined romance for everyone.

You mean those guys, like, us? Who plan to break in on weddngs shouting "I OBJECT!"?

On the whole love-scariness thing, it's important to remember that some people say they're in love and mean different things to what someone else saying they were in love would mean h'yeah, this is why we've had seven threads. Its nice to have some general discussion though

[rxmd]

That's fair enough.
Alright then...

"I'm not sure why it would matter that you don't feel the same way either.": Did I lead them on? Did I make them think that I feel some way that I don't? I should feel the same way about them. Why don't I? Is there something wrong with me, or them? Would it hurt them more if I own up to my lack of feelings now, or to keep on the same way and hope my feelings develop? Should I end it now, in case I just lead them on, or continue on the way we have been? etc, etc, so on and so forth...

"I'd ask if you really think the person who loves you is stupid enough to fall for someone unworthy of it.": Is it just their own low self-esteem talking? Do they have me up on a pedestal? Have I deceived them? Have I made them see things that aren't there? Have I exaggerated my virtues and hidden my faults? How can they love me when they don't even really know me? What do they see that I don't? Do they really see it, or do they just think they do? How can they know what love is, anyway? etc, etc, so on and so forth.

All of those sound pretty normal at a given stage in life. I'd say that through the course of a couple of years people gain some familiarity with how falling in love works, how things aren't necessarily symmetric, and how to deal with the impression your actions make. As long as everybody is new to the feeling (you said it was a highschool crush) it's normal for confessions to be a little scary.

[Quincunx]

Let's not forget the frisson of ". . .did you not notice the significant other I'm pretty sure I mentioned already, several times?" It doesn't always apply, but I am getting some inexplicable vibes to that effect from TheCountAlucard's story. (For the people in the audience who like to call up someone else of Significant Other's type and complain when SO has irritated you--remember to tell them some favorable stuff about SO also, or don't be surprised when your sympathetic ear says, "But everything you've said screams that you're going to get rid of that loser!")

[xPANCAKEx]

I can get where serp is coming from - when someone you consider a friend tells you they love you, not in the friendly way, but the romantic way, then obviously they want you to feel the same way too. Turning someone down that you care about is never fun. If you've already made it clear that you wern't interested (some people stand out like a floodlight when they like you - not good at hiding it) then it can be very irritating that they've put you in that situation.

TheCountAlucard

im guessing from the tone of your message you revealed some sort of specific personal information about her 'behind her back' that she likes kept private? If you're gunna talk to someone about her, make sure the person/people you speak to about it really can keep their mouths shut.

Everyone needs someone for advice/to vent - just make sure its not someone with a blabbermouth

[averagejoe]

You mean those guys, like, us? Who plan to break in on weddngs shouting "I OBJECT!"?

On the whole love-scariness thing, it's important to remember that some people say they're in love and mean different things to what someone else saying they were in love would mean h'yeah, this is why we've had seven threads. Its nice to have some general discussion though

Hey, I break weddings up because I'm a dramatic, not a romantic. And because I like to imitate the things I see on TV.

The people in love meaning different things is pretty much why I blame the romantics. They took some wrong ideas about love and made them popular.

[rxmd]

im guessing from the tone of your message you revealed some sort of specific personal information about her 'behind her back' that she likes kept private? If you're gunna talk to someone about her, make sure the person/people you speak to about it really can keep their mouths shut.

In other words, be 100% certain that they are more dependable than yourself. They have to be more trustworthy than yourself, because you expect them to keep a secret, while you, by telling them, are just in the process of proving that you can't keep it to yourself.

This is not going to help Alucard a lot, but I understand perfectly well why someone would be offended by that. The problem is easy: trust isn't transferable. If anybody only tells people they trust as much as themselves, the secret will be spread around in no time, because everybody will have someone to spread it to. That's why telling third parties something about someone else behind their backs isn't a nice thing to do.

[Pyrian]

My standby for first dates is ice skating. Never had a date go ice skating, but it would be great fun, even (especially) if you both suck at it.

My first date ever was ice skating.

[Aramil Liadon]

Technically, so was mine.
It was also a double date, and closer to a 1 year anniversary than a first date. Still, my first date ever. Or since.

Skating is fun!

[snoopy13a]

My standby for first dates is ice skating. Never had a date go ice skating, but it would be great fun, even (especially) if you both suck at it.

Cheers~

That's actually a neat idea. If neither person is good, they'll spend the time laughing at themselves. It'll be a huge icebreaker (pun intended )

Didn't Rocky take Adrian ice skating on their first date in Rocky? If it works for Sly Stallone it has to be good

[Felixaar]

Hey, I break weddings up because I'm a dramatic, not a romantic. And because I like to imitate the things I see on TV.

...how are you still alive? take that, theory of Natural Selection

The people in love meaning different things is pretty much why I blame the romantics. They took some wrong ideas about love and made them popular.

Ohhh, but not all of us romantics are like that. And besides... it's really all semantics, isn't it? Ultimately I think romance is about passion, but love is something quite different. But, you know, series of letters forms a word and we all attatch our own meanings to it it's the feelings that count and they can't really be accurately described.

Snoopy, *snorts, takes pun damage*.

[averagejoe]

...how are you still alive? take that, theory of Natural Selection

By mostly watching very dry programming.

Ohhh, but not all of us romantics are like that. And besides... it's really all semantics, isn't it? Ultimately I think romance is about passion, but love is something quite different. But, you know, series of letters forms a word and we all attatch our own meanings to it it's the feelings that count and they can't really be accurately described.

It really isn't just semantics, though; it wouldn't bother me half as much if it weren't also the case that very unhealthy ideas about love have become popular, and are often held up as the ideal.

[Felixaar]

This man needs more Heroes and Firefly. Stat.

At any rate; I agree oh, the ways of the world. We do our best.

[xPANCAKEx]

what would define as unhealthy ideas about love?

[Felixaar]

In a word? Twilight.

[xPANCAKEx]

In a word? Twilight.

dear god im not going near that cess pile with a barge poll... The same group of people who rant and rave about twilight seem to be the same type who ranted about harry potter

i refuse to date any of them

henry rollins is a king amongst men, even if he is bitter/lonely
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9S5-EB8dR8 (NSFW - profanity)

[Felixaar]

Ha ha, I kid, I kid - I don't rant about Twilight (or HP for that matter). I think it's more the fact that the Twilight books mistake infatuation with love, which is probably one of the major causes right now. There's also the fact that many people in todays societ feel a desperate need to be loved, and then when they meet someone who will "love" them, they assume that they must be in love with them.

[THAC0]

what would define as unhealthy ideas about love?

The idea that love is something that happens and exists without needing to be cared for and worked on.

The confusing of love and passion.

[averagejoe]

what would define as unhealthy ideas about love?

The most famous example would probably be Romeo and Juliet. It's debatable whether it was actually meant to be presented as love, yes, but most people think it is, which is the important bit.

On Twilight: I am hardly familiar with it, and I don't rant about it, as a rule, nor do I feel the urge to. However, it does need to be said that my younger sister had me watch the movie over spring break, and the fact that their relationship was portrayed as a positive thing kind of made me sick to my stomach, quite literally.

[Death, your friend the Reaper]

what would define as unhealthy ideas about love?

Any of those ideas those crazy tennis playahs have, to them love means nothing at all, they just like to play the courting game