Retarded D&D Monsters

[The Tygre]

Cracked.com officially revises the list.

15 Retarded Dungeons & Dragons Monsters

Props.

[Ichneumon]

There are indeed some very weird D&D monsters, but I did not think some of the monsters listed deserved a place in that list as the most strangest D&D monsters.

[FoE]

How has the gelatinous cube survived all these years? Everybody regards it as a joke monster.

[TSED]

How has the gelatinous cube survived all these years? Everybody regards it as a joke monster.

It's a D&D classic.


And I would be very, very, very upset to discover ANYTHING happened to my beloved cubes.

[Overlord Nicy]

How has the gelatinous cube survived all these years? Everybody regards it as a joke monster.

It's the joke everyone loves. It's the staple of DnD. Without it, there IS no DnD.

[Bayar]

This just seems to be a bad rip-off of the stupid monsters article. Google stupid monsters and click the first link.

[TSED]

This just seems to be a bad rip-off of the stupid monsters article. Google stupid monsters and click the first link.

There's lots of rip-offs of it, really. Not surprised that Cracked joined in.

[The Glyphstone]

What sort of self-respecting Stupid Monsters article doesn't include the Bunny-Stump-creature?

[Shademan]

i didnt find this article very funny. at all.
i usually laugh at most cracked articles, mind. but this one...meeh...
I got that feeling, you know, when a stand-up comedian isnt funny and he knows it. and he goes "so...whats up with...uh....D&D monsters! haah?"

[Rappy]

Several of the items on the list I'd have to disagree with. Among those being...

The Hippocampus: It's not meant to be a threat. It's a Greek legendary creature that was a steed of Poseidon. Can we really count real-world legendary creatures in such a list anyway?

The Atropal: It's the aborted fetus of a god. The author doesn't seem to get that with their "at its core, it's just a dead fetus" comment.

The Anguillan: It's a lamprey with manual dexterity. Being a biology buff, this idea frightens the heck of out me.

And finally, the Demilich: "Smack it out of the air"? Really? It's immune to magic, has variouses resistances and immunities to natural phenomena, paralyzes with a touch, casts spells, and can rip out the very soul of a person and stuff it in its gemstones.

In all honesty, the article seemed more to be a poor attempt to ride the bandwagon of "hurr hurr, these monsters are stupid", a bandwagon I've already become tired of seeing.

[Kobold-Bard]

http://www.headinjurytheater.com/article73.htm

Don't forget to click the even badder link at the bottom for more.

[Bayar]

http://www.headinjurytheater.com/article73.htm

Don't forget to click the even badder link at the bottom for more.

Yup, that's the one.

[Emperor Ing]

IMHO, the Roving Mauler is the #1 most ridiculous monster in DnD. A lion head with 5 legs in a wheel? How does it move? How does it even attack?!

[The Tygre]

Indeed. I enjoyed it infinitely more. Not least of which was that the second one actually came after the author became addicted to D&D.

[Jahkaivah]

Yeah it paled in comparison to the Stupid Monsters article.

The Cracked article should have reversed the numbers, the Roving Mauler and Gelatinous Cube was easily the worst of that lot.

Oh and if you think the Demi-Lich is stupid you clearly never played Planescape: Torment, floating skulls are awesome.

[bosssmiley]

IMHO, the Roving Mauler is the #1 most ridiculous monster in DnD. A lion head with 5 legs in a wheel? How does it move? How does it even attack?!

*sigh*

The Buer originated as a creature in The Lesser Key of Solomon. Its absurd physiology was indicative of its' being an unnatural demonic being, one unconstrained by the laws of the normal natural world.

That said: 5 limbed, radially symmetrical, invert their stomachs to eat, capable of regeneration. Sounds absurd, doesn't it?

[kamikasei]

The Buer originated as a creature in The Lesser Key of Solomon.

Wow, I hadn't realized so many vestiges were lifted from that source. Nice to see WotC saying "screw it" to the "D&D = Satan" crowd.

[Morty]

Meh. Those creatures don't come even close to other D&D and non-D&D monsters out there, like the ones in that other artice. And seriously, making fun of Hippocampus? It's a mythological creature. I can't see what's wrong with Demilich either. And some of those monsters are just the effect of WoTC bozos saying "Okay guys, we're releasing a new Monster Manual, come up with something" when the designers had run out of ideas long before.

[SnowballMan]

How has the gelatinous cube survived all these years? Everybody regards it as a joke monster.

Come on, there's always room for Jello.*

A fun game to play with these lists, guess whether the creatures are the result of rushing to meet an upcoming deadline, or LSD in the coffee. Where as the "Wolf-In-Sheeps-Clothing" monster is clearly the work of bad acid, I'm pretty sure the Owlbear is the result of a person out of time who just couldn't give a hoot.

*specifically a 10' X 10' room.

[Jahkaivah]

*sigh*

The Buer originated as a creature in The Lesser Key of Solomon. Its absurd physiology was indicative of its' being an unnatural demonic being, one unconstrained by the laws of the normal natural world.

That said: 5 limbed, radially symmetrical, invert their stomachs to eat, capable of regeneration. Sounds absurd, doesn't it?

Starfishes never use their limbs to operate above water though, and being part of literature, Buer is never required to be physically depicted or imagined, just told.

[RelentlessImp]

I stopped reading at Demilich. I mean, seriously. It's an epic Lich that's got AC out the wazoo (Charisma bonus to AC. Diminuitive size. Probably a decent Dexterity score. No equipment to sunder - it's all next to its phylactery.) Add into the fact that it is, by its very nature an epic spellcaster (Lich, Spellcaster 21st+) and gets Perfect Still Spell and an Automatic Quicken feat and the Demilich is something you do not want to mess with.

...Unless you're an Ubercharger, or a Hulking Hurler, or something...

[Kobold-Bard]

I stopped reading at Demilich. I mean, seriously. It's an epic Lich that's got AC out the wazoo (Charisma bonus to AC. Diminuitive size. Probably a decent Dexterity score. No equipment to sunder - it's all next to its phylactery.) Add into the fact that it is, by its very nature an epic spellcaster (Lich, Spellcaster 21st+) and gets Perfect Still Spell and an Automatic Quicken feat and the Demilich is something you do not want to mess with.

...Unless you're an Ubercharger, or a Hulking Hurler, or something...

Or that race I saw (and forgot the name of) on the Homebrew forum that is absolutely immune to magic, even the beneficial stuff. It's like a living anti-magic field. Floating magic skull, not so tough anymore.

Of course that's homebrew so it doesn't count, but still....

[Woodsman]

Hippocampus? That wasn't even the D&D creator's fault!

'Twas the Greeks who though of 'em, and they're just kick-ass!

[Logalmier]

Come on, there's always room for Jello.*

*specifically a 10' X 10' room.

This reminds me of when I played a character that was immune to acid. He ate Gelatinous Cubes for dessert.

[Kobold-Bard]

This reminds me of when I played a character that was immune to acid. He ate Gelatinous Cubes for dessert.

I had a Monster game player who played a Half-Celestial Gelatinous Cube, his logic being that what with Angels being both immune to acid and full of love for all creatures, there must have been one who'd seen an ooze and thought "Hmmmm..."

That was an interesting conversation

[toasty]

Gelatinous Cubes are awesome. They may be stupid, but they are awesome.

Maybe this is the WFRP/comedy person in me... but the thought of a giant cube of jello that sucks its opponents inside it is just... awesome. In a completely stupid sort of way of course. :D

[Logalmier]

I had a Monster game player who played a Half-Celestial Gelatinous Cube, his logic being that what with Angels being both immune to acid and full of love for all creatures, there must have been one who'd seen an ooze and thought "Hmmmm..."

That was an interesting conversation

...I find that a bit ....disturbing.

[Athaniar]

Cracked, while most of the time an excellent source of hilarity, epically failed with this one. As mentione, Head Injure Theater's articles are much, much better. And seriously, SERIOUSLY, Cracked? Demilich retarded? Just wait until you have your souls sucked out by it. And not knowing the Hippocampus is from mythology, well... sorry, Cracked staff, you just lost your status as nerds.

[GoC]

Several of the items on the list I'd have to disagree with. Among those being...

The Hippocampus: It's not meant to be a threat. It's a Greek legendary creature that was a steed of Poseidon. Can we really count real-world legendary creatures in such a list anyway?

The Atropal: It's the aborted fetus of a god. The author doesn't seem to get that with their "at its core, it's just a dead fetus" comment.

The Anguillan: It's a lamprey with manual dexterity. Being a biology buff, this idea frightens the heck of out me.

And finally, the Demilich: "Smack it out of the air"? Really? It's immune to magic, has variouses resistances and immunities to natural phenomena, paralyzes with a touch, casts spells, and can rip out the very soul of a person and stuff it in its gemstones.

In all honesty, the article seemed more to be a poor attempt to ride the bandwagon of "hurr hurr, these monsters are stupid", a bandwagon I've already become tired of seeing.

QFT

[13_CBS]

It sounds like an article was written by a guy who doesn't play D&D.

If you think about it, if you knew absolutely nothing about a demi lich it probably wouldn't seem that frightening. Ooooh, skull with gems in it. Yeah, like that's scary compared to, like, a freaking dragon.

Of course, any adventurer who thinks that is about to get his pathetic soul sucked out of him...


In any case, it seems like it was a Did Not Do the Research failure on Cracked.com's part.