Fire Emblem - Seal of Fate II

[Reverent-One]

Leaving the navel gazing and scenery watching to the rest of the party, Jalnir does what he can to prepare for the travels ahead. First by taking care of his blades, then even volunteering to help around the ship to keep in shape. The fact that this leaves him little time to think about conflicts with the forces of the King himself may merely be a side benefit.

[TheSummoner]

(Looks like for green, we have moves for Roan, Francis, Gerard, and Katleia and need confirmation for Greg and Yuan.

I'm thinking I should PM those on blue who haven't posted yet...)

[Istari]

Nathaniel is spending his time lying in bed trying to avoid being seasick.
"Who knew ships rocked back and forth so much?"

[ThePhantom]

Greg then finishes off the Fighter if necessary, then flies up to E1, using his vulnerary if the Fighter died to Kat. .

This is what I do.

[Atrec Randier]

Just making sure it's clear that Gerard shall be following the instructions of our sagacious leader.

[ottack]

Yuan to W7, laser Shaman with Light.

This sounds good.

[Noble Savant]

Anselm was sitting at the back of the ship, facing the water. He liked to feel the wind blowing against his face, to watch the ship's trail in the water slowly fade away. He was, at the moment, trying to think of nothing much at all. Back before things had gotten complicated, he hadn't had to think about the big, important things very often. He needed to protect the king, that was it. Occasionally dabbling in politics had been a fun mental exercise.

At the moment, battlefields kept popping into his head. Grand maps of the world as they knew it. Tactics. Fighting. He sighed gustily, rapping his lance against the side of the ship. This wasn't the time to drift off in any case. He had a duty. Soon, the odd Kain fellow would start barking out orders, and they would steadily get closer to some shore or another. And then they would continue with their mission, for who knew how long.

"I'm tired." He said simply, mostly to himself. Looking back out over the water, he continued his planning.

[TheSummoner]

Green Map

Turn 17 - Green Phase

Katleia moves from E5 to E2 and attacks Fighter 1!
{table]|Katleia attacks Fighter 1 and deals 14 damage!|Fighter 1 is unable to counterattack.|Katleia attacks again and deals 14 damage!|[/table]
Katleia gains 9 experience! +1 Support with Greg!

Greg attacks Fighter 1!
{table]|Greg attacks Fighter 1 and deals 6 damage!|[/table]
Fighter 1 has been slain! Greg gains 25 experience! +1 Support with Katleia. Greg moves from E3 to E1.

Yuan moves from U9 to W7 and attacks Shaman 2!
{table]|Yuan attacks Shaman 2 and deals 10 damage!|Shaman 2 counterattacks and misses.|[/table]
Yuan gains 11 experience!

Yuan levels up! Yuan is now level 12!

+1 HP!
+1 Mag!
+1 Skl!
+1 Spd!
+1 Luck!

Gerard moves from T7 to U7 and attacks Shaman 2 with his Iron Lance!
{table]|Gerard attacks Shaman 2 and deals 6 damage!|[/table]
Shaman 2 has been slain! Gerard gains 28 experience!

Gerard levels up! Gerard is now level 14!

+1 HP!
+1 Str!
+1 Skl!
+1 Def!

Francis moves from T8 to V7, gives Yuan his vulnerary and heals Gerard!
{table]|Francis heals Gerard for 19 HP!|[/table]
Francis gains 11 experience!

Roan moves from T9 to W8, takes a vulnerary from Yuan and uses it.

Turn 17 - Enemy Phase

Myrmidon 1 moves from J1 to F1 and attacks Greg!
{table]|Myrmidon 1 attacks Greg, but deals no damage.|Greg counterattacks and deals 22 damage!|[/table]
Greg gains 9 experience! +1 Support with Katleia!

Archer 3 moves from J3 to F3 and attacks Katleia!
{table]|Archer 3 attacks Katleia and misses.|Katleia counterattacks and deals 13 damage!|[/table]
Katleia gains 9 experience! +1 Support with Greg! Katleia can now use Rank B Bows!

All other enemies move to their respective spots and wait.

Reinforcement - Soldier 1 appears on J1.

Reinforcement - Fighter 1 appears on J3.



Units

Green Team

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Roan Caspian
Played by: Mando Knight
Position: W8
Picture:

Level: 17
Exp: 38
Stats: HP: 28/30

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Str: 18
Mag: 2
Skl: 20
Spd: 15
Luck: 7
Def: 13
Res: 5

Weapon Levels:

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Swords: B (47/50)

Supports:

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Thunder Affinity
Francis DuMorne: No Support (25/25)
Gerard DuMorne: C Support (7/35) (+2.5 Avoid, +.5 Attack, +1 Defense)
Katleia Darthing: C Support (19/35) (+2.5 Accuracy, +5 Avoid, +.5 Defence)
Greg: No Support (4/25)
Yuan: No Support (13/25)

Movement: 4
Weight: 9
Capacity: 20 +5
Skills: None
Special: None
Inventory:

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Regal Sword (e) (9/40)
Iron Sword (17/50)
Antitoxin (2/3)
Key

Francis DuMorne
Played by: Namillus
Position: V7
Picture:

Level: 10
Exp: 55
Stats: HP: 21/22

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Str: 1
Mag: 12
Skl: 6
Spd: 10
Luck: 13
Def: 1
Res: 14

Weapon Levels:

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Staves: B (8/50)

Supports:

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Dark Affinity
Roan Caspian: No Support (25/25)
Gerard DuMorne: No Support (25/25)
Katleia Darthing: No Support (23/25)
Greg: No Support (10/25)
Yuan: No Support (6/25)

Movement: 4
Weight: 5
Capacity: 20
Skills: None
Special: None
Inventory:

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Heal Staff (e) (10/40)
Mend Staff (9/20)
Heal Staff (40/40)
Mage Band (e)

Gerard DuMorne
Played by: Atrec Randier
Position: U7
Picture:

Level: 14
Exp: 5
Stats: HP: 37/37

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Str: 15
Mag: 1
Skl: 14
Spd: 10
Luck: 5
Def: 15
Res: 2

Weapon Levels:

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Lances: C (38/40)

Supports:

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Water Affinity
Roan Caspian: C Support (7/35) (+2.5 Avoid, +.5 Attack, +1 Defense)
Francis DuMorne: No Support (25/25)
Katleia Darthing: C Support (12/35) (+2.5 Accuracy, +2.5 Avoid, +.5 Attack, +.5 Defence)
Greg: No Support (4/25)
Yuan: No Support (10/25)

Movement: 3
Weight: 13
Capacity: 20
Skills: None
Special: Armored
Inventory:

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Iron Lance (e) (17/50)
Steel Lance (22/40)
Short Spear (2/15)
Paladin Band (e)
Vulnerary (1/3)
Antitoxin (2/3)

Katleia Darthing
Played by: tgva8889
Position: E2
Picture:

Level: 13
Exp: 73
Stats: HP: 25/25

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Str: 14
Mag: 2
Skl: 19
Spd: 15
Luck: 11
Def: 6
Res: 7

Weapon Levels:

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Bows: B (0/50)

Supports:

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Wind Affinity
Roan Caspian: C Support (19/35) (+2.5 Accuracy, +5 Avoid, +.5 Defence)
Francis DuMorne: No Support (23/25)
Gerard DuMorne: C Support (12/35) (+2.5 Accuracy, +2.5 Avoid, +.5 Attack, +.5 Defence)
Greg: No Support (10/25)
Yuan: No Support (5/25)

Movement: 4
Weight: 7
Capacity: 20
Skills: None
Special: None
Inventory:

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Iron Bow (e) (30/50)
Iron Crossbow (48/50)

Greg
Played by: ThePhantom
Position: E1
Picture:

Level: 14
Exp: 39
Stats: HP: 21/36

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Str: 16
Mag: 3
Skl: 8
Spd: 12
Luck: 5
Def: 16
Res: 1

Weapon Levels:

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Lances: C (35/40)

Supports:

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Wind Affinity
Roan Caspian: No Support (4/25)
Francis DuMorne: No Support (10/25)
Gerard DuMorne: No Support (4/25)
Katleia Darthing: No Support (10/25)
Yuan: No Support (7/25)

Movement: 6
Weight: 15
Capacity: 5/15
Skills: Counter
Special: Flying, Dragon
Inventory:

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Steel Lance (e) (15/40)
Horseslayer (14/18)
Iron Lance (50/50)
Vulnerary (1/3)
Antitoxin (3/3)
Key

Yuan
Played by: ottack
Position: W7
Picture:

Level: 12
Exp: 9
Stats: HP: 18/25

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Str: 1
Mag: 16
Skl: 17
Spd: 11
Luck: 7
Def: 5
Res: 13

Weapon Levels:

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Light: C (22/40)

Supports:

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Water Affinity
Roan Caspian: No Support (13/25)
Francis DuMorne: No Support (6/25)
Gerard DuMorne: No Support (10/25)
Katleia Darthing: No Support (5/25)
Greg: No Support (7/25)

Movement: 4
Weight: 5
Capacity: 10/20
Skills: Vantage
Special: None
Inventory:

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Light (e) (33/40)
Ellight (18/35)
Vulnerary (1/3)

Convoy (7/200)

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345 Gold

Axes
Swordreaver (14/15)
Iron Axe (28/50)
Hand Axe (25/25)

Other
Key
Master Seal
Arms Scroll
Goddess Icon

Crimson Shadow

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Mercenary 1
Position: F7
Level: 10
Stats: HP: 27

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Str: 12
Mag: 0
Skl: 10
Spd: 11
Luck: 4
Def: 7
Res: 2

Movement: 4
Weight: 9
Inventory:

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Iron Sword (e) (50/50)

Fighter 1
Position: J1
Level: 10
Stats: HP: 33

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Str: 12
Mag: 0
Skl: 9
Spd: 12
Luck: 5
Def: 6
Res: 2

Movement: 4
Weight: 11
Inventory:

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Iron Axe (e) (50/50)

Soldier 1
Position: J3
Level: 10
Stats: HP: 27

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Str: 11
Mag: 1
Skl: 12
Spd: 9
Luck: 7
Def: 9
Res: 6

Movement: 4
Weight: 11
Inventory:

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Iron Lance (e) (50/50)
Key

Myrmidon 1
Position: G9
Level: 10
Stats: HP: 24

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Str: 11
Mag: 1
Skl: 10
Spd: 13
Luck: 4
Def: 5
Res: 3

Movement: 4
Weight: 8
Inventory:

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Iron Sword (e) (49/50)

Myrmidon 2
Position: F1
Level: 11
Stats: HP: 4/26

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Str: 12
Mag: 0
Skl: 11
Spd: 13
Luck: 5
Def: 6
Res: 3

Movement: 4
Weight: 8
Inventory:

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Iron Sword (e) (50/50)

Knight 1
Position: Q9
Level: 10
Stats: HP: 34

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Str: 11
Mag: 0
Skl: 13
Spd: 7
Luck: 3
Def: 14
Res: 2

Movement: 3
Weight: 13
Inventory:

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Steel Lance (e) (40/40)

Knight 2
Position: R9
Level: 10
Stats: HP: 32

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Str: 13
Mag: 0
Skl: 11
Spd: 6
Luck: 5
Def: 12
Res: 3

Movement: 3
Weight: 13
Inventory:

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Steel Lance (e) (40/40)

Archer 1
Position: M9
Level: 10
Stats: HP: 27

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Str: 11
Mag: 1
Skl: 10
Spd: 12
Luck: 5
Def: 5
Res: 6

Movement: 4
Weight: 7
Inventory:

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Iron Crossbow (e) (50/50)

Archer 2
Position: N9
Level: 10
Stats: HP: 26

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Str: 12
Mag: 1
Skl: 11
Spd: 11
Luck: 6
Def: 6
Res: 5

Movement: 4
Weight: 7
Inventory:

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Steel Bow (e) (40/40)

Archer 3
Position: F3
Level: 10
Stats: HP: 12/25

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Str: 11
Mag: 0
Skl: 11
Spd: 12
Luck: 7
Def: 7
Res: 5

Movement: 4
Weight: 7
Inventory:

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Iron Bow (e) (50/50)

Mage 1
Position: K2
Level: 11
Stats: HP: 25

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Str: 2
Mag: 14
Skl: 11
Spd: 13
Luck: 10
Def: 4
Res: 9

Movement: 4
Weight: 6
Inventory:

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Elfire Tome (e) (35/35)

Mage 2
Position: I11
Level: 10
Stats: HP: 23

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Str: 1
Mag: 13
Skl: 11
Spd: 12
Luck: 8
Def: 4
Res: 9

Movement: 4
Weight: 6
Inventory:

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Thunder Tome (e) (40/40)

Shaman 1
Position: F11
Level: 10
Stats: HP: 24

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Str: 2
Mag: 13
Skl: 12
Spd: 10
Luck: 6
Def: 4
Res: 7

Movement: 4
Weight: 7
Inventory:

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Flux Tome (e) (40/40)

Shaman 3
Position: P8
Level: 10
Stats: HP: 24

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Str: 2
Mag: 14
Skl: 11
Spd: 12
Luck: 6
Def: 5
Res: 7

Movement: 4
Weight: 7
Inventory:

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Flux Tome (e) (40/40)

Shaman 4
Position: P9
Level: 10
Stats: HP: 25

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Str: 3
Mag: 13
Skl: 12
Spd: 11
Luck: 5
Def: 4
Res: 8

Movement: 4
Weight: 7
Inventory:

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Flux Tome (e) (40/40)

Doors

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Main Door
Position: G17, G18, H17, H18
HP: 100
Def/Res: 20
Special: Broken, cannot be unlocked.

Door 3
Position: X6
HP: 50
Def/Res: 10

Cracked Wall 1
Position: AA10
HP: 25
Def/Res: 10

And now for something completly different...

Aside from a rather severe case of seasickness and a few tragic memories having resurfaced, the voyage so far has been a pleasant one. The weather has been fair and the winds favorable.

Nearby...

???: "Commander, we've spotted a ship."
???: "A ship? Whose flag do they fly?"
???: "No flag, commander."
???: "Pirates perhaps?"
???: "Possibly pirates. Possibly merchants as well. Regardless, I want to look into it. Nothing is allowed happen in these waters without my knowledge. Be ready for a battle should they be hostile.

Meanwhile, back in Taymeer...

Alexandra: "Understood. If I hear anything I will be sure to inform King Caspian."
Soldier: "Thank you, the king appreciates your assistance."

The green-clad soldiers depart. Alexandra and a robed man walk to an empty room and enter. She sits, her assistant remains standing.

Alexandra: "My, my, you seem to be rather popular these days. You can come out now, Gilford."

Gilford emerges from the shadows and takes a seat opposite Alexandra.

Gilford: "A bit more popular than I'd like unfortunately..."

Alexandra lets out a small laugh.

Gilford: "As I was saying before the interruption... The way things are headed, I believe conflict is unavoidable. Putting aside my own personal grievances, there are many who have been resistant to the changes that a new king brings. Though there has been some rioting where use of force may have been necessary to end, King Caspian's response has been far too extreme."

Alexandra: "Are the rumors true then? The destroyed towns and villages?"

Gilford: "Yes... Pashmor, Selthig, Lamnik Heights, Echara, and most recently, Thornbrook. Possibly others that I have yet to hear about. Each one with a sizable faction opposed to the new king and each one razed over night by his soldiers."

Alexandra: "You've seen the destruction with your own eyes?"

Gilford: "Yes. I passed through Selthig on my way here. The rest I only know of through word of mouth."

Alexandra: "I don't understand... What could he possibly hope to gain from such drastic actions?"

Gilford: "I do not know. Perhaps he fears an uprising and seeks to set an example... Perhaps the power has gone to his head... Perhaps it is outside influence... The reason doen't matter, his actions will only serve to demonize him in the eyes of the populace."

Alexandra: "And in turn make them rally against him."

Gilford: "Unorganized, untrained civilians would pose no threat to the king's army. Without leadership, their defeat would be inevitable."

Alexandra: "And you intend to lead them? To challenge the king?"

Gilford: "If necessary. I still wish to try for a peaceful resolution... I fear my efforts will be wasted, but I will not take up arms until all other options are exhausted. I've already secured Lady Sophia's* support, if it comes to that, can I count on your assistance?"

(*Note: Valmir's daughter. First time she has been referred to by name)

Alexandra: "I will need to confirm things for myself, but if things are as you say, I am willing do whatever must be done."

Gilford: "Of course."

The two contine their discussion for a while longer before Gilford leaves. Alexandra sits in silence for a few minutes before turning to the robed man who has been standing in silence the entire time.

Alexandra: "Derring?"

The robed man focuses for a few seconds.

Derring: "I cannot track his current location, but I can confirm that he is gone."

Alexandra: "I see."

Derring: "Would I be out of place to ask why you hid him? You passed up on a great opportunity to gain favor with King Caspian by allowing him to leave."

Alexandra: "Because I know him... I know the way he thinks. Gilford would not have come here without five plans in mind for how to escape should it prove necessary. Even if escape were impossible, he would not go without a fight and I have no intention of having my home destroyed."

She walks over to a window and looks out.

Alexandra: "Gilford is always thinking. He is always looking for opportunities. You were with me when Nagandra was attacked... You saw him keep his head in the chaos, take control of the situation and rescue the prince from certain death. I had the same idea, but he managed it first by using the royal guard."

She walks away from the window.

Alexandra: "Afterwards, he was one of the first to try to retake the capitol. The king's own son beat him to it, but just barely."

Derring: "He wanted to be the one to retake it for King Caspian?"

Alexandra: "No. Of course not. In the same situation, I would've simply put the young prince on the throne instead. Many already suspected King Caspian might be connected to the attack, he would have little support in trying to take the crown back. With the young prince on the throne, I would rule as reagent until he came of age and even then hold a great deal of sway over his decisions... I believe that Gilford was attempting just that."

Derring: "Then you will side with King Caspian?"

Alexandra: "I never said that."

She pauses.

Alexandra: "I do not know whether or not King Caspian had any connection to his brother's assassination. I do not know whether Gilford believes he did or is merely after power. Frankly, it doesn't matter. All that matters is which side is more likely to emerge victorius."

[Mando Knight]

Greg and Kat should repeat their attacks, with Greg flying back down to E3. (Damn it, more reinforcements is not what they needed to see! There'd better be something next down-time commenting that Roan and crew caused a lot of trouble for the Crimson Shadow, as they're sending out about as many troops as they had guarding the capital)

Roan will move to X7 and use his Key after equipping his Iron Sword. The other 3 should wait until the door opens before acting.

[tgva8889]

(I suggest not opening the door before you slay the enemies. I mean, you just invite the chance to get more overwhelmed by opening the door into a room with promoted and/or powerful enemies.)

[Mando Knight]

(I suggest not opening the door before you slay the enemies. I mean, you just invite the chance to get more overwhelmed by opening the door into a room with promoted and/or powerful enemies.)

They're at least a turn away if we leave, and if we move quickly, we can handle them. Right now, it's two Shaman and two Knights, with two Archers behind them: certain death if they concentrate fire. That door is a potential choke point and our ticket out. Don't forget that Kat and Greg are currently in a position where they need every turn they can grab, and making the number of turns needed less can only help them.

Either way, we'll have to face an opponent with reinforcements. I don't like to make gambles like this, especially when we're faced with (in my opinion) too many enemies, with too many of those beyond the strength they should be for grunts (especially reinforcement grunts); but I don't see a plan right now that will take out both of those Shaman, Knights, and Archers before they deal enough damage to take someone out.

[TheSummoner]

(have you considered the fact that those pillars give you a decent choke point to work with?)

[Xondoure]

Days later...

Lillian made her way above deck to see the now familiar bustle of activity. She found herself oddly at home on the ship. The waves hadn't given her much trouble after the first day, and the faces of the crew had quickly become reassuring. Things were looking up.

[Mando Knight]

(have you considered the fact that those pillars give you a decent choke point to work with?)

Yes, yes I have. However, they don't prevent outflanking maneuvers or force the shaman to take damage before being overwhelmed. That's the other thing. There's way too many enemy mages. Unless it's a particularly mage-dominated map (such as Khadein in Shadow Dragon), there are few mages compared to the number of physical combatants. This map has a 1:2 mage:not-mage ratio right now, which is a relatively high concentration of mages. I don't like it.

(In case you haven't noticed yet, I tend to complain about everything when things seem to conspire against me. Of course, when it's not, I have a hard problem giving honest criticism. It's mostly me venting, but I don't like to make inaccurate accusations, even if they are misleading. Thus, if you want me to nitpick any problems with something, get me frustrated with it first.)

[TheSummoner]

(Nitpick and vent away. Just know the only reason you're getting so many reinforcements is because both doors were opened at about the same time. From the start of the map, I planned the reinforcements to comw in waves at different points... Those doors you opened being examples of reinforcement triggers.

I suppose this map is a bit magic heavy. For what its worth, there wont be many in the next one... for either team actually... That said, 4 on 6 with a level lead and a healer isn't nearly as bad as you're making it out to be.)

[ThePhantom]

Attack Myrmidon F1 and then fly to E3

Greg looks around as more troops start pouring out of the woodworks.

"Bad day, bad day, bad day! This is very bad."

[Mando Knight]

Well, if the triggers are definitely primarily the doors rather than the turn number, then holding off on opening the door is the best idea after all. In that case, we need to hit the Shaman first, fast and hard. To lure them all where we can hit both Shaman in one turn and keep Yuan and Francis alive, I suggest Gerard moves to V8 (having a vegetable-based drink while he's at it), Yuan moves to X7, Francis moves to Y7 and heals Yuan, then Roan moves to W7.

Ironically, my plan might just work because Yuan can't double-attack either of the Knights while holding Ellight. The most dangerous position to be in is just fast or strong enough to double-attack enemies that can reach you, but not fast enough to reliably dodge all their attacks or sturdy enough to survive all the hits, and Yuan will have to be right at that position for a moment.

[TheSummoner]

Well, if the triggers are definitely primarily the doors rather than the turn number

(You know I can't tell you whats coming next...

What I CAN tell you however is that the three waves have been from

1) The guards noticing you near the beginning.
2) Opening the door on E4
3) Opening the door on O10

and that you should use your pattern recognition skills to your advantage ^_^)

[Atrec Randier]

(I wonder if going through the wall Kool-Aid style would improve our chances then...)

Gerard to V8, flagrantly not drinking any vegetable based liquids. He's at full health, so it would be rather silly to do so.

[tgva8889]

(Hey, I drink those V8 drinks and they're pretty good!)

[TheSummoner]

(Eh, I'm not big on Tomato... Dont get me wrong, I like them, but I can't handle too much of it at once. If I'm eating a hamburger or something and I take a bite and it has a huge chunk of tomato on it, it makes me sick... I always have to slice them really thin whenever I'm putting them on something I make myself for just that reason.)

[tgva8889]

(I personally prefer the V8 Fusion, actually. Tons of fruity goodness, but it doesn't taste as much from concentrate as other fruit drinks. I'm a huge fan of fruit in general, so you might understand.)

[TheSummoner]

(As am I, but I tend to prefer various berries over... well, anything with a high amount of tomato)

[tgva8889]

(V8 Fusion doesn't taste like tomato at all. Depending on the flavor, it's mostly tropical. I myself love the berries as well, specifically strawberries and blueberries.)

[TheSummoner]

(V8 Fusion doesn't taste like tomato at all. Depending on the flavor, it's mostly tropical. I myself love the berries as well, specifically strawberries and blueberries.)

(*drool* I loooooooooovvvveee strawberries and blueberries. kiwi too... green apples... anything sour or tart really... oranges are also good...)

[Mando Knight]

I'm a huge fan of fruit in general, so you might understand.)

Anyone who isn't a fan of fruit needs to go get their humanity checked. I mean, if you're not, you're lucky I warned you before Harrison Ford got to you. It's like one of the top ten signs of being an old-model android.

[tgva8889]

(Some people prefer other foods. *shrug*)

[Namillus]

Well, if the triggers are definitely primarily the doors rather than the turn number, then holding off on opening the door is the best idea after all. In that case, we need to hit the Shaman first, fast and hard. To lure them all where we can hit both Shaman in one turn and keep Yuan and Francis alive, I suggest Gerard moves to V8 (having a vegetable-based drink while he's at it), Yuan moves to X7, Francis moves to Y7 and heals Yuan, then Roan moves to W7.

Ironically, my plan might just work because Yuan can't double-attack either of the Knights while holding Ellight. The most dangerous position to be in is just fast or strong enough to double-attack enemies that can reach you, but not fast enough to reliably dodge all their attacks or sturdy enough to survive all the hits, and Yuan will have to be right at that position for a moment.

Following on with crazy plan, Francis Heals Yuan from Y7 once the Monk is in position!

[Karsh]

((Point of order, the Myrmidon attacking Greg is still listed as having full HP when he should be mostly dead. I think you applied the damage somehow to the Myrmidon on G9 instead of the one on F1.))

[Geno9999]

Anyone who isn't a fan of fruit needs to go get their humanity checked. I mean, if you're not, you're lucky I warned you before Harrison Ford got to you. It's like one of the top ten signs of being an old-model android.

(Umm... Self defense fresh fruit instructor?)