"What did you just say?"

[Deth Muncher]

In line at McDonalds:

Woman - I'll get a double-quarterpounder with cheese combo and an extra double-quarterpounder sandwitch. Supersize the combo.
Cashier - What would you like to drink?
Woman - Diet coke.

The last time I went to my dentist, the dental hygienist told me that diet drinks actually kill the bacteria on your teeth that cause cavities because they eat the aspartame and die because they can't process it. So, maybe the woman got the Diet Coke because she cares about her teeth. :P

[TamerBill]

That's blatantly a spoof. "Exclusive to all newspapers"? Come on.

[Escef]

Nvm............................................... .................................

[Vulkarius]

When I worked in a deli (still do but a different one than mentioned here) we carried this ham that was called "ham off the bone." Because it was like a Christmas Ham that that you would serve "off the bone" so...

Customer: Hey does that ham have bones in it? (being serious)
Me: Im sorry but our slicers do not double as bone saws.

[Coidzor]

The last time I went to my dentist, the dental hygienist told me that diet drinks actually kill the bacteria on your teeth that cause cavities because they eat the aspartame and die because they can't process it. So, maybe the woman got the Diet Coke because she cares about her teeth. :P

It's still drinking acid. ACID!

[TheCountAlucard]

It's still drinking acid. ACID!

Yay, carbonic acid!

Regular soda contains carbonic acid as well.

[Extra_Crispy]

In high school during a drivers education class in which we were having our reflexes tested. It was a simple machine with two pedals one for gas one for brake, a stop watch, and some lights. You pressed on the gas while the light was green then when it went red you were to slam on the brake, the stop watch would time your reflexes. There was this one girl in class....The light turned red and she just sat there, after about 3 min...

Teacher: "um are you going to hit the brake"
Girl: "why?"
Teacher: "the redlight came on, you know like a stop light."
Girl: "OH that is what red means" and she proceded to slowly put on the break. Mind you she was not the first student to be tested, at least 5 other went to the front of the class and was tested before her.

same girl when we went to look at a car and identify things on the engine. There were 20 things, I understand that people dont know about cars but this freeked me out.

After being at the car for 20 min the girl approached me (I was up there for less than 5 min) with a blank paper, none of the parts were identified.
Girl: "can you help me for a sec"
Me: "ok?"
girl: "this is the battery right?" pointing to the radiatior overfill tank
me: "um no, this is" pointing to the battery
girl: "great ok thanks"

[Brainstomper]

I was stabbed in my right forearm by a client in a pysch eval unit I was working at. It went completely thru my arm.

1) My co-worker actually asked " Does it hurt?" Ummm YES!

2) Filling out the incident report waiting for EMT's MY Supervisor on duty.. sitting next to me.. asked "Which arm was injured?" THE ONE WITH THE 6 INCH SCREWDRIVER STUCK IN IT!

3) Incident review "Was there any other way the client could have resolved the issues? Err Not stabbing me?

[SilverSheriff]

I was stabbed in my right forearm by a client in a psych eval unit I was working at. It went completely Through my arm.

1) My co-worker actually asked " Does it hurt?" Ummm YES!

2) Filling out the incident report waiting for EMT's MY Supervisor on duty.. sitting next to me.. asked "Which arm was injured?" THE ONE WITH THE 6 INCH SCREWDRIVER STUCK IN IT!

3) Incident review "Was there any other way the client could have resolved the issues? Err Not stabbing me?

The first one is semi-reasonable, in theory your arm could have numbed.

[Coidzor]

...Why was there a screwdriver in a room with someone who potentially could be crazy and in this case turned out to be violent as well?

[Solaris]

...Why was there a screwdriver in a room with someone who potentially could be crazy and in this case turned out to be violent as well?

Because he had a few screws loose.

[Brainstomper]

He smuggled it in froma homevisit. One of the staff got lazy and didn't take the time to go thru all his stuff. We had words..

[Fiery Diamond]

Actually, that one is quite reasonable. After all if the power goes you may have lost the water heating as well.

Unless you like cold showers, of course.

(Depends on how your house is set up, of course. Things like small hot water tanks, timed thermostats, on demand systems, electric water heating and so forth may cause trouble. I don't think I have lived in two houses that were heated in the same way...)

Or if you have well water - then the water DOES stop when the power goes out. But that isn't a concern in cities. It always amazes me how city folk assume that everything works like it does in the cities everywhere else. You know, just like not everyone has a garbage disposal under the sink.

[Lycan 01]

"Yeah, after I'm done fooding,"
"Fooding?"
"I mean eating! See how hungry I am?!"

Said by my girlfriend when she meant to say eating. Fooding is now a verb (to eat hungrily) for us...

I'm too tired to think of better stuff right now...

[Escef]

Explaining special moves in Mortal Kombat II

Friend: How do you do Kung Lao's hat?
My Younger Bro: Oh, easy, forward-back-hat... er, low punch

And for some time after, low punch was dubbed the "hat button".

[Dogmantra]

We were talking about our new cat that we got when my brother lived in Japan. He was back now though. I forget the exact context, but my mother told him:
"You weren't here when he was babying!"

A moth fell into her drink and she asked
"Why would anyone have a moth in their drink?"

[Amiel]

More hilarity;

Girl to boyfriend: "Babe, it is easier to change a tyre on an automatic or a manual?"
---
Girl: "I want to get my name tattooed in Roman Numerals."
---
Man on the phone: "What? You're taking up a hospitality course? So you can become a doctor or a nurse?"
---
Girl: "Oh my god. Did you know that prawns come from the sea?"
Friend: "Yes, What did you think they were?"
Girl: "Oh, I thought they were lizards"
---
Girl 1: "Don't eat too much chocolate, you'll get diabetes."
Girl 2: "It's okay. I brush my teeth"
---
Girl: "Hey, have you ever noticed that the Target sign is actually a target? I always thought it was just two circles"
---
Girl: "What nationality was he?"
Boy: "Um, I think he was like Albanian or something?"
Girl: "What? Don't you mean albino?"
Boy: "That's not a nationality"
Girl: "Yes it is. Isn't it that one country where all the people are really pasty white?"
---
Male: "Is the United States of America the same as the United Kingdom?"
Female: "Duh, they both start with 'United'"
---
Girl: "What's the capital of Perth?"
---
Girl: "Is he tall?"
Friend: "He's the same height as you, but you're a taller version of him"
---
Girl 1: "What does the divided by (sign) look like?"
Girl 2: "I can't believe you don't know that. It's the two parallel lines"
---
Girl on phone: "I can't hear cos I've got the sun in my eyes"
---
Girl to friend: "Why are you going there? Is Canada even a city?"
---
Girl to boy: "I have a pain in my head"
Boy: "Is it your brain?"
Girl: "I think so"
---
Guy looking at his friend's hair: "I love it when your hair is short. You can walk heaps faster"

[Liffguard]

That's from Private Eye, a satirical magazine. It's supposed to be nonsense.

[Athaniar]

Spoiler

Show

It's a faaaaake!

Anyway, this site is relevant to the discussion. Sandly, I cannot think of anything I've heard personally at the moment.

[Manga Shoggoth]

Or if you have well water - then the water DOES stop when the power goes out. But that isn't a concern in cities. It always amazes me how city folk assume that everything works like it does in the cities everywhere else. You know, just like not everyone has a garbage disposal under the sink.

What is this "garbage disposal under the sink" of which you speak? We use something called a compost heap.

I live on the edge of London - move less than quarter of a mile from my house and you are in cess-pit country.

[JediSoth]

More hilarity;

Spoiler

Show

Girl to boyfriend: "Babe, it is easier to change a tyre on an automatic or a manual?"
---
Girl: "I want to get my name tattooed in Roman Numerals."
---
Man on the phone: "What? You're taking up a hospitality course? So you can become a doctor or a nurse?"
---
Girl: "Oh my god. Did you know that prawns come from the sea?"
Friend: "Yes, What did you think they were?"
Girl: "Oh, I thought they were lizards"
---
Girl 1: "Don't eat too much chocolate, you'll get diabetes."
Girl 2: "It's okay. I brush my teeth"
---
Girl: "Hey, have you ever noticed that the Target sign is actually a target? I always thought it was just two circles"
---
Girl: "What nationality was he?"
Boy: "Um, I think he was like Albanian or something?"
Girl: "What? Don't you mean albino?"
Boy: "That's not a nationality"
Girl: "Yes it is. Isn't it that one country where all the people are really pasty white?"
---
Male: "Is the United States of America the same as the United Kingdom?"
Female: "Duh, they both start with 'United'"
---
Girl: "What's the capital of Perth?"
---
Girl: "Is he tall?"
Friend: "He's the same height as you, but you're a taller version of him"
---
Girl 1: "What does the divided by (sign) look like?"
Girl 2: "I can't believe you don't know that. It's the two parallel lines"
---
Girl on phone: "I can't hear cos I've got the sun in my eyes"
---
Girl to friend: "Why are you going there? Is Canada even a city?"
---
Girl to boy: "I have a pain in my head"
Boy: "Is it your brain?"
Girl: "I think so"
---
Guy looking at his friend's hair: "I love it when your hair is short. You can walk heaps faster"

I weep for the future.

[Totally Guy]

What is this "garbage disposal under the sink" of which you speak?

I thought that those things were only in movies.

[Manga Shoggoth]

I thought that those things were only in movies.

Well, Fiery Diamond's location is given as "The Imagination".

[Force]

"... Milk doesn't come from cows."

Technically some doesn't.

It's still drinking acid. ACID!

Every time you take aspirin you're taking an acid variant. Same thing with eating some fruits and veggies-- pineapple, or tomatoes.

[Faulty]

Guy 1: "I can't ask her out, man, she's out of my league"
Guy 2: "Are you a Mexican or a Mexi-can't?"
Guy 1: "Dude, are you serious? I've told you like three times, I'm from Chile"

This one made me laugh.

[Kobold-Bard]

That's from Private Eye, a satirical magazine. It's supposed to be nonsense.

Well I thought it was real and it made me laugh. I feel cold and hollow now, how could 4Chan lie to me? Thanks for ruining my life

[Fiery Diamond]

What is this "garbage disposal under the sink" of which you speak? We use something called a compost heap.

I live on the edge of London - move less than quarter of a mile from my house and you are in cess-pit country.

EXACTLY! ...I was in high school before I even knew what a garbage disposal was. At my place we also have a compost heap.

[Amiel]

I weep for the future.

Me too, me too :(
Ah well, they should remove the safety labels from all things, it will solve everything.


More

Girl 1: "I want a sausage dog"
Girl 2: "Don't you mean a hot dog?"
Girl 1: "No, you idiot. You can't buy that at a 7-Eleven"
---
Guy: "You're off chops!"
Girl: "I don't eat chops, how can I be off them?"
---
Girl to guy: "What part of the cow is the lamb?"
---
Girl 1: "What caused the drought?"
Girl 2: "Someone dropped a ShamWow"
---
Girl 1: "I went to yoga for 3 1/2 hours the other day"
Girl 2: "You must have a lot of time on your hands"
Girl 1: "You don't do it all on your hands. Some of it is standing"
---
Schoolgirl: "My friend has the most amazing cat. It's not even hers. I thought it was a fake cat until I picked it up one time"
---
Girl: "Is it hundreds or thousands? I get confused sometimes"
---
Guy: "Hee hee, that lady had a dove and grenade and they looked the same"
Girl (shocked): "What?"
Guy: "On her T-shirt"
Girl: "Oh, I thought you meant she was carrying a dove in one hand and a grenade in the other"
---
Girl: "Is chicken a steak?"
Guy: "No?"
Girl: "But I saw it on the Nando's menu"
---
Girls gossiping: "Oh my god, that Beth freak has the grossest hair. She needs to wash it"
Beth: "Um, I can hear you..."
---
Girl to friend: "Not eating is less effort than exercising"

[Temotei]

Me: "I hate going to the bathroom. It's so much work."

[Serpentine]

Neade moar fyba.

My dad's girlfriend's solution to the disproportionate number of uni students under the poverty line: "They should quit and get jobs."