Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

[Quincunx]

"Today", Coidzor? We are aware that anything you say regarding romantic relationship is to be read as rant, neither commiseration nor assistance. (Then we read your non-romantic relationship advice and appreciate it.)

[Coidzor]

(Then we read your non-romantic relationship advice and appreciate it.)

See, this... This confuses me. About as much as the idea of Serpentine having had faith to lose in me or regain it.

Super: I don't know what to say. That just sounds horrible, confusing, and unpleasant.

[Syka]

I think my orchid was only about 18$ which is actually really on the low end for orchids.

But keep in mind...with almost no care, it has lasted a month and a half with it only not dying. I think I've watered it 4-5 times, at most. And one of the two stems is still in perfect health. They may be finicky, but they last awhile.


Super...d'ya know what I should do when one of the stems dies? Do I cut it or what? I'd like to try and keep the plant alive, but I'm not sure I'm skilled enough, lol.

[golentan]

{Scrubbed}

[Superglucose]

Super...d'ya know what I should do when one of the stems dies? Do I cut it or what? I'd like to try and keep the plant alive, but I'm not sure I'm skilled enough, lol.

I haven't a clue XD I just know that it's rare for an orchid to last more than a couple months before getting replaced because they tend to just die.

[Aedilred]

Not a relationship problem as such, but it could become one if it remains unresolved:

I've been receiving text messages from an unknown source. Of the extremely sexually explicit kind. They started about last Wednesday. At first I thought it was someone from work, since it would match their sense of humour, so tried to call back, but it soon transpired it wasn't one of them. After that I tried ignoring them until they got bored and went away, but by Tuesday that hadn't happened, so I replied asking them to stop (mostly in case it were an automated messaging service I'd been signed up to). This made no difference and I received more than ever this Wednesday.

I've told my girlfriend about them (without showing her any of the content, because it's filthy) and she was very understanding, but I suspect if it goes on for another couple of weeks she might not be so amused. Although they were kind of funny at first (the range of simile and metaphor is quite imaginative) I am getting rather annoyed with them too.

I genuinely don't have any idea who it could be. I can't think of anyone I know who I've spoken to for over a year who would find this sort of thing funny, other than those I've already ruled out (my colleagues). It's a mobile number, and they've used various different versions of my name, so I doubt it's an automated service of any kind. My gf pointed out yesterday that I could contact the police if necessary, but I'm loath to do so for obvious reasons- not least in case it's just a friend having a laugh, even if it has gone a bit far now.

I'm a bit stuck as to what to do. I don't want to encourage them by replying, but equally I don't want it to go on any longer.

[Superglucose]

It's not a friend anymore. Contact the police. A friend would stop shortly after you said, "Hey, can you please stop?" If it is a "friend" they need to learn that sexual harassment is five kinds of not-ok.

[Pyrian]

So, what advice does the playground have for me?

I don't like to squabble with friends over women. This is because my friends, by and large, have been with me for years or decades and any given woman is most likely not going to work out at all, nevermind for very long. Heck, I have at least one friend who has gone through two marriages (and subsequent divorces) in the time we've been friends. Generally speaking, there are other women... If I really really like her, well, all bets are off, but that's pretty exceptional.

That being said. There's nothing worth mentioning unless it goes somewhere, but if you get in a relationship with her you should probably tell him rather than having him find out another way. Even so, friendships sometimes dissolve over this sort of thing. It's fraught with emotion.

What do I do?

He broke his word to you. (Mind you, that particular sort of promise is the least likely to be kept by just about anybody - and people in general do not keep promises very well.) You have to decide how important that is to you.

How can someone honestly believe this information will never get back to the first guy?

Probably didn't think the relationship would last. It's easy to hide a fling.

Aedilred: Can't you just block them?

[Syka]

It's not a friend anymore. Contact the police. A friend would stop shortly after you said, "Hey, can you please stop?" If it is a "friend" they need to learn that sexual harassment is five kinds of not-ok.

This. I think it's time to go to the police. If it is a friend, it's their fault for not realizing that your stop meant stop, and it's a risk you take when you anonymously send someone unsolicited sexts.


(And now I'm curious about the range of simile and metaphor you mentioned...lol...)

[golentan]

Yep. Assuming your phone doesn't have an option to block calls/messages from the O-sender automatically (many do).

[Aedilred]

I may be able to block them, although I'm not exactly sure how; I feel, though, that it isn't really the point. Given that it's likely someone I know, I'd like to know who it is so that I can take appropriate action.

[Pyrian]

Around here, targeted harassing phone messages are not enough to get a court order.

Do you have a pool of possibilities? You could call/msg the number while they're around and see whose phone makes a noise. Alternatively, you could forward each and every single message right back to them. 'Course, if they've taken the simple precaution of blocking you that won't work...

[BSW]

Not a relationship problem as such, but it could become one if it remains unresolved:

I've been receiving text messages from an unknown source. Of the extremely sexually explicit kind. They started about last Wednesday. At first I thought it was someone from work, since it would match their sense of humour, so tried to call back, but it soon transpired it wasn't one of them. After that I tried ignoring them until they got bored and went away, but by Tuesday that hadn't happened, so I replied asking them to stop (mostly in case it were an automated messaging service I'd been signed up to). This made no difference and I received more than ever this Wednesday.

I've told my girlfriend about them (without showing her any of the content, because it's filthy) and she was very understanding, but I suspect if it goes on for another couple of weeks she might not be so amused. Although they were kind of funny at first (the range of simile and metaphor is quite imaginative) I am getting rather annoyed with them too.

I genuinely don't have any idea who it could be. I can't think of anyone I know who I've spoken to for over a year who would find this sort of thing funny, other than those I've already ruled out (my colleagues). It's a mobile number, and they've used various different versions of my name, so I doubt it's an automated service of any kind. My gf pointed out yesterday that I could contact the police if necessary, but I'm loath to do so for obvious reasons- not least in case it's just a friend having a laugh, even if it has gone a bit far now.

I'm a bit stuck as to what to do. I don't want to encourage them by replying, but equally I don't want it to go on any longer.

Assuming you're not someone important to the justice system, merely receiving harassing text messages from a stranger isn't going to get the police to do anything. Without some real reason for them to think this person is dangerous, they're not going to do anything.

What you can do, and what I think you SHOULD do is call up your phone company and report it to them. You should be able to have the number blocked.

If you really do know the person... what do you really expect to do about it? Confront them with their dirty messages? I can't imagine a scenario like that playing out in any fashion that can be construed as "good" by any stretch of the word.

Have the number blocked and let the phone company deal with it and put it out of your mind.

[arguskos]

Actually, blocking them should present who it is fairly quickly. Consider: if it IS a friend or someone you know personally, then they may call you from time to time. If they're blocked, they cannot do so, meaning you won't see or hear from them for quite awhile, letting you narrow down who it might be (from the folks who aren't around much).

[Aedilred]

The law over here is a bit strange and surprisingly illiberal at times. I suspect there's something that I could get them for if they were to continue texting me even if it's just an ASBO or the like; however this isn't really a course I want to go down even if it is possible- it seems like a sledgehammer to crack a nut, not to mention that any action against whoever it is would take up far more time and be far more annoying than the problem currently is.

What concerns me is not the messages themselves (which are almost entertaining taken out of context) but the person's motive behind doing it, which is why I want to know who it is. One or two messages I might be able to accept as a joke, but after a week, and eleven or so messages without any sign of having yet got bored, I can't help but think there's something more malicious behind it, whether it be an attempt at revenge for some previous slight (imagined or otherwise), trying to drive a wedge between me and my girlfriend, or what. If that is the case then blocking the number is treating the symptoms but not the cause; it's removing the only insight I have into what's going on.

I'd like to know who it is not so much so I can confront them- although this could be a possibility- but because it seems increasingly likely this person is someone I've previously considered a friend; ie someone in whom I've previously- or currently- vested my trust. If that is the case, I'd rather know who it is so that I can immediately stop doing so, and warn my girlfriend to do the same and disregard anything they hear from them about me.

It's been suggested that I should simply call up the number from a phone that isn't mine and see who answers. While getting access to such a phone would be trivial, I'm not sure if this is a good idea or not.

Edit: Arguskos: Not a bad idea, but I don't tend to use my phone that much, doing most of my communication by email or live messenger. The only times I really talk on the phone are to my family and for business purposes etc.. With caller ID, if it were someone I knew it should show up, unless they've changed their number recently, but people call me so rarely anyway that it wouldn't really help to narrow it down.

[Castaras]

It's been suggested that I should simply call up the number from a phone that isn't mine and see who answers. While getting access to such a phone would be trivial, I'm not sure if this is a good idea or not.

If you're not wanting to block the number or call the police, this is a brilliant idea. Just keep silent and listen to who answers.

[J.Gellert]

If you're not wanting to block the number or call the police, this is a brilliant idea. Just keep silent and listen to who answers.

Or just listen who answers and then proceed to shout obscenities.

[Coidzor]

I'm-a have to side with getting the phone of another person or persons and calling this number.

Enlisting a small cadre of confidants to help get to the bottom of this as well might not be out of order either.

[Quincunx]

Oops. That was smashingly bad wording on my end. Sorry. You give pointed and valuable non-romantic relationship insight, Coidzor, with the same pointedness which makes your romantic advice so bad.

[Force]

There are reverse cell phone services on the internet; if it's bothering you this much, it might be worthwhile to drop a couple bucks on finding out who this person is. If you know them, you can confront them, or if you don't, you can simply block them without a qualm.

[BSW]

What concerns me is not the messages themselves (which are almost entertaining taken out of context) but the person's motive behind doing it, which is why I want to know who it is. One or two messages I might be able to accept as a joke, but after a week, and eleven or so messages without any sign of having yet got bored, I can't help but think there's something more malicious behind it, whether it be an attempt at revenge for some previous slight (imagined or otherwise), trying to drive a wedge between me and my girlfriend, or what. If that is the case then blocking the number is treating the symptoms but not the cause; it's removing the only insight I have into what's going on.

I'd like to know who it is not so much so I can confront them- although this could be a possibility- but because it seems increasingly likely this person is someone I've previously considered a friend; ie someone in whom I've previously- or currently- vested my trust. If that is the case, I'd rather know who it is so that I can immediately stop doing so, and warn my girlfriend to do the same and disregard anything they hear from them about me.

The question that occurs to me now is... why do you think it's increasingly likely that someone you know is responsible? Unless there's something in the content of the text messages that belies this... I don't see anything in what you've pointed out about your little penpal that actually suggests that a backstabbing friend is any more likely like a total stranger who picked out a number at random and is doing it for the lulz. It strikes me as at least equally likely that this is simply the text equivalent of a repeat mouth breather call.

It seems to me that you may be giving in to a little paranoia as a result of these calls. I wouldn't be too quick to attribute these texts to the treachery of a friend. Strikes me as a pretty good way alienate people.

It's been suggested that I should simply call up the number from a phone that isn't mine and see who answers. While getting access to such a phone would be trivial, I'm not sure if this is a good idea or not.

That could work to discover their identity. Assuming you both know the person and are able to recognize their voice. Oh, and assuming the person who answers is actually the person responsible. There's no reason you shouldn't try it. Hell, you have the number... you might actually be able to figure out who it belongs to using an internet phone directory.

[Trellan]

The question that occurs to me now is... why do you think it's increasingly likely that someone you know is responsible? Unless there's something in the content of the text messages that belies this... I don't see anything in what you've pointed out about your little penpal that actually suggests that a backstabbing friend is any more likely like a total stranger who picked out a number at random and is doing it for the lulz. It strikes me as at least equally likely that this is simply the text equivalent of a repeat mouth breather call.

Well he did mention earlier that the person has referred to him using multiple variations of his name/nicknames, which should rule out someone randomly picking his number.

[sktarq]

What concerns me is not the messages themselves (which are almost entertaining taken out of context) but the person's motive behind doing it, which is why I want to know who it is.......
It's been suggested that I should simply call up the number from a phone that isn't mine and see who answers. While getting access to such a phone would be trivial, I'm not sure if this is a good idea or not.

First question: Why not just ask your phone provider how to block the texts if you don't know how? Far more simple than the police.

Second: Why do you think that the point of such treatment is to mess with your relationship?

Third: Tried to bang heads with your GF and have some fun with your texter's head?

[Flabbicus]

So if anyone has been read my previous posts in these threads this should be the last. In them I displayed my intentions of notifying my crush about my feelings for her, then the subsequent part about my being mistaken about her reciprocating my feelings.

Let me be clear. This wasn't a shot in the dark, at least I thought so at the time. In my mind I had a good chance for starting a real relationship with someone who, although she had a very different upbringing and religious background, had reached many of the same conclusions and philosophies as myself. Otherwise that was a pretty concise summary.

We've seen each other a lot since. I'll be honest, it was hard getting over it for a few days but not herculean. I'm sure everyone goes through it. A few days later I started to enjoy myself and realized that life was not any bleaker for lack of a relationship. Then the summer started and I had nothing else to force structure.

She occupied my mind far too much for my liking after school ended. My resolve broke a short time ago and I reinitiated contact. We agreed to meet. Then I ran into her randomly, talked with her, and we talked about the crush. It was fine. We met again for dinner, and shared what we wanted out of life, learned more about how the other is and was like during our formative years.

I am happy to be friends with her. I thought the first few hours after she told me were hard. Having to see her interacting with others when no one I knew was around to talk with me was probably the worst part of it all. I soldiered through and felt the better for it.

I've tried to be more conscious about my actions and less reserved about what I say and do. More contemplative and more active. Think more about what I want out of life and what I want to do with it.

Today she told me that I seemed a lot more natural around her since I told her. Forumites, that felt like a punch to the gut. I am overanalyzing this. I know that this is true. Just like I overanalyzed every encounter prior to my announcement.

I knew before that she didn't like me in the same way I liked her. Now I know that my previous interactions, before I revealed my crush, with her were not as I remember them. Not just the fact that she didn't like me. But also that she thought there was something unnatural or stilted about how we communicated.

I thought I was over my crush, that I could move on, but I clearly am not.

Frankly I think I am dwelling on it to much. I should move on to something else that occupies my time. But between work and the lack of constant activity that comes with college I've found myself latching on to this train of thought and it not letting go. Of what I was doing wrong before, on the misconceptions I had of our friendship.

But I need to distance myself from this line of internal reflection. I have seen what I have done wrong in the past and made an attempt (with some success by her own admission) to move forward and am better for it.

I need to focus more on the real friendship that has developed between us since I traded in our phony friendship rather than fixating on the unreal relationship I imagined. The one fed by my idealistic, over-romanticized view of an "us" that only existed in my mind and the minds of those to whom I related my situation.

But, not to be melodramatic, because there is something more important there. Something of value. Real friendship. And I don't want to lose that for something that was never there to begin with.


Just wanted to say my piece,

Flab

[xPANCAKEx]

Aedilred

you're investing too much energy into working this out. Just block the number. If you cant do it on your handset, contact your provider. All the uk mobile networks are usually very up on helping their customers as they know if you get annoyed with them then they'll lose a customer.

working out who it is really isn't worthwhile

[Superglucose]

... caught B staring at my eyes for a good thirty seconds today. Then she gave me this really weird look, and when asked about it said, "Well, I was looking at your eyes, and then realized that it was weird that I was looking at your eyes..." and went back to cuddling with D.

Also I really, really dislike bowling. I know K really wanted me to go, and I did go, and I honestly tried to have a good time, I just... that game and I do not mix well. Now my wrist hurts Not to mention I just didn't have a wonderful time. Though I did meet this super-cute girl who was cosplaying as Edward Elric while bowling! Chickened out on getting her number though for fear of her being with one of the guys who was there. Oh well!

[skywalker]

{Scrubbed}

This is kidnapping. It's violence worse than punching someone. I've got some very fine kettles I'd like to introduce you to, Mr. Pot.

And... There's big differences between cousins. I mean, is this his first cousin? second cousin twice removed? It's unclear. There's a reason why you're allowed to marry your (farther out) cousins. They're not necessarily close, even a little bit.

[Superglucose]

{Scrubbed}

Kidnapping is a very violent crime. The way you enacted this kidnapping is a very violent crime. I will bust out my "Big Book 'o White Knighting" if you like, but what you did was violent, aggressive, and highly illegal. Also extremely dangerous.

Family may be a big deal, but vigilante justice and violent acts are only justifiable in absurdly extreme cases. "He hit my cousin" isn't enough justification to... well... kidnap and threaten him with his life.

So for the record, your little story cost you a considerable deal of my respect. Major lost points for the kidnapping, and double that for the hypocrisy of "I practice as I preach" nonsense about you being nonviolent about stuffing someone in a trunk.

[Eloi]

{scrubbed}

You're uh..kidding right?
Two wrongs don't make a right?

[Coidzor]

Golentan, let's just say I have some idea of where you're coming from and leave it at that on the subject of clans.

... caught B staring at my eyes for a good thirty seconds today. Then she gave me this really weird look, and when asked about it said, "Well, I was looking at your eyes, and then realized that it was weird that I was looking at your eyes..." and went back to cuddling with D.

This is weird, jumps into relationships too quickly girl, right? Who has been acting weird towards you while being in a relationship with this guy who constantly feels threatened by you and has to assert his territory/masculinity/wossname?

I hope you told her to knock it off.

Now my wrist hurts

Hmm. I think this means you need to use a lighter ball and/or refine your technique. Also, are your friends not good to talk to and hang out with or something? Because that's... essentially what Bowling is... With optional drinking. And an activity to comment upon the successes and failures of one another.

Oops. That was smashingly bad wording on my end. Sorry. You give pointed and valuable non-romantic relationship insight, Coidzor, with the same pointedness which makes your romantic advice so bad.

Hmm. *looks up the definitions of pointed to get a better feel for which is being used here* Wow. I can't believe I forgot half of those definitions.