A Thread in Which Banter Most Random is Expulsed Into Existence, By Ravens_cry #142

[Dogmantra]

That is the best one. Ever. You win the internet.

Thanks!
I thought I could come up with one about how you should "never hook a gift Porsche in the south" but that seemed too far-fetched...

[Em Blackleaf]

Thanks!
I thought I could come up with one about how you should "never hook a gift Porsche in the south" but that seemed too far-fetched...

Well, you could say someone got a new Porsche for their birthday and they were driving through Georgia when they broke down. When they called for a tow they were told they couldn't be towed. When they asked why, they were told, "We were always told never to hook a gift Porsche in the south."

... You're right. That is too far-fetched.

[Pheehelm]

Personally, I'm just waiting for the day I end up with several other people on a fast-moving subway or mine cart or other appropriate vehicle that suddenly loses control, and then someone pulls the lever to stop the thing but it snaps off, and then I can finally say "welp, that's a bad break."

If someone beats me to it I'll content myself with responding "oh snap."

[Ravens_cry]

You are in the savannah and you see a rhinoceros with a credit card,but no cash and rhinoceros with cash, but no credit card.
Which is more dangerous?

Spoiler

Show

The rhinoceros with the credit card. They always charge.

[Fable Wright]

... that is amongst the worst jokes I have ever heard. It's worse that:
A ninja and Belkar () walk by each other. What does Belkar do?

Spoiler

Show

Nothing; he failed his spot check!

[Phase]

A man dressed as the moon and a man not dressed as the moon are standing in Random Banter. One of them falls unconscious. It's the moon one, me.

Puns are like Arsenic, not so good in small doses and worse in large ones.

[Ravens_cry]

What is the difference between fleas and a coyote?

Spoiler

Show

One howls on the prairie and the the other prowls on the hairy.

[Quincunx]

I'm not having flashbacks to chemistry class here. They should be flashbacks to chemistry class and the mad lab rat lady who did the electron dance on the lab tables when discussing electrons at rest and in excited states, but I never got into her class. How did I take two chem classes and get a sane, level-headed teacher each time?

[KuReshtin]

What's green and brown and will kill you if it drops on you from a tree?

Spoiler

Show

A pool table.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back when you throw it:

Spoiler

Show

A stick

A man walks into a bar and says:

Spoiler

Show

*Ouch!'

A priest, a rabbi, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Frenchman walks into a bar. The bartender says:

Spoiler

Show

'Is this supposed to be some kind of a joke?'

Ok, I'll just stop now and go back into my corner.

[Amiel]

Awesome jokes, KuReshtin


What's brown and sticky?

Spoiler

Show

A stick

What's yellow and black all over, is 30 ft tall and weighs a ton?

Spoiler

Show

A giraffe up a tree

What's green and leaky?

Spoiler

Show

A leek

[Fifty-Eyed Fred]

What's white and can't climb trees?

Spoiler

Show

A fridge.

[Thufir]

But... I like dumb science jokes. >.>

My chemistry teacher told the same "Two protons walk into a bar. One said, 'I think I lost an electron!' The other said, 'Are you sure?' 'I'm positive!'" joke many times this year.

I think a requirement for being a science teacher is to have a cheesy sense of humor.

Pretty sure you mean atoms. Protons are always positive.

[Dogmantra]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back when you throw it:

Spoiler

Show

A stick

Pedant time!
Most original boomerangs, as used in Australia, were designed not to come back at all. Add to that the fact most boomerangs made as throwing and returning toys are stupidly hard to throw in a way that they come back, I'd call a boomerang that doesn't come back "a boomerang".

[KuReshtin]

Pedant time!
Most original boomerangs, as used in Australia, were designed not to come back at all. Add to that the fact most boomerangs made as throwing and returning toys are stupidly hard to throw in a way that they come back, I'd call a boomerang that doesn't come back "a boomerang".

Well, yeah, that's true, but that completely ruins an already questionable joke.

[Dogmantra]

Well, yeah, that's true, but that completely ruins an already questionable joke.

Well make jokes that aren't FACTUALLY INCORRECT then.

[Thufir]

Pedant time!
Most original boomerangs, as used in Australia, were designed not to come back at all.

Because they would be sticking in something's ribcage?

[KuReshtin]

Well make jokes that aren't FACTUALLY INCORRECT then.

Try and stop me!

What's green and red and moves at 90mph?

Spoiler

Show

A frog in a blender!

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch.
The barman exclaims: 'You have a steering wheel attached to your crotch!'
The man replies:

Spoiler

Show

Yeah, it's driving me nuts.

How do you sink a Norwegian submarine?

Spoiler

Show

You dive down and knock on the hatch.

How do you sink the same submarine again?

Spoiler

Show

You dive down and knock on the hatch.
They'll then open it up and exclaim: 'Hah! we won't fall for it this time!'

[Rawhide]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back when you throw it:

Spoiler

Show

A stick

BZZZZZZZZ!

[KuReshtin]

BZZZZZZZZ!

Curse you, Rawhide, for linking QI as further source of ruining the joke I blatantly stole from QI in the first place.
Alan davies told that joke in an episode along with the "brown and sticky" joke and the 'what's orange and sounds like a parrot?'-joke. (The answer is 'A carrot')

[Rawhide]

Curse you, Rawhide, for linking QI as further source of ruining the joke I blatantly stole from QI in the first place.
Alan davies told that joke in an episode along with the "brown and sticky" joke and the 'what's orange and sounds like a parrot?'-joke. (The answer is 'A carrot')

What's red and silly?

[KuReshtin]

What's red and silly?

A blood clot.

[Scorpina]

What's red and silly?

A Che Guevara t-shirt?

[Teddy]

Pedant time!
Most original boomerangs, as used in Australia, were designed not to come back at all.

To be precise, the original returning boomerangs were for ceremonial use. The ones that where used for hunting/warfare didn't return, which is good, because even if it was possible to design a good war-boomerang so that it was capable of returning, you'd not want such a 'rang in your face.

Add to that the fact most boomerangs made as throwing and returning toys are stupidly hard to throw in a way that they come back...

From my experience, throwing a toy boomerang so that it curves back towards you isn't that hard, but I haven't managed to make one do a perfect return. I have, however, managed to make a dent on our car which was positioned some 20 metres to the left of me when I threw a boomerang.

[Castaras]

Pedant time!
Most original boomerangs, as used in Australia, were designed not to come back at all. Add to that the fact most boomerangs made as throwing and returning toys are stupidly hard to throw in a way that they come back, I'd call a boomerang that doesn't come back "a boomerang".

Boomerangs were ones that came back, Kylies are ones that don't.

[FinalJustice]

I will tell duckling jokes. Ducks are funny, ducklings are funnier:
(Here in Brazil, they're chick jokes, as in, child chikens, but duckling is both funnier and unambiguous)

What happened to the little duckling who was born without a leg?

Spoiler

Show

He tried to walk but he fell

What happened to the little duckling who was born with a leg on his back?

Spoiler

Show

He tried to walk but he spun

What happened to the little duckling who was born without an a*hole?

Spoiler

Show

He tried to fart but he exploded

See that gun over there? Would you kill me with it, please?

[The Bushranger]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back when you throw it:

Spoiler

Show

A stick

My boomerang won't come back!


In other news, BLTs made from homegrown tomatoes and lettuce are good.

[Thajocoth]

In other news, BLTs made from homegrown tomatoes and lettuce are good.

You didn't grow your own bacon? Or bread?

[Worira]

There is no sight more beautiful than a field of bacon waving in the autumn breeze, ripe for the harvest.

[PJ the Epic]

Bacon...fields??

Have I died and gone to heaven?

[The Bushranger]

No. This isn't Heaven; this is Iowa.

Mmmmmm, bacon!