A Paladin's Heart

[Ravyn]

Manar blinks, startled out of her current reverie, and sits up in the bed, hastily running a corner of the sheet across her eyes and a hand through her hair. It takes her a moment to recognize the voice, but then she smiles a bit and calls out, "Come in!"

[Ryshan Ynrith]

Aleksei accepts the invitation with somewhat jittery grace, fidgeting with the trim of his clothes and the red-stoned ring on his left hand. He seems to think about finding a place to sit, but decides after a moment to remain standing, obviously ill at ease.

"Dame Manar...I would give my sorrow for your situation. The one who teaches and protects you...is special. A mentor, yes? I came to offer my support, or what little I can give you, as a brother in the service."

He looks at the ring again, seemingly lost in its depths, before continuing.

"It is hard, to lose your mentor. I do not know how the people here would handle death, where it seems so much further removed, but even those as warscarred as my comrades in the Hussars are shaken, deeply, by the loss of one so anchoring."

Aleksei takes a deep breath. "I lost my mentor shortly before I was permitted to join the Zenith Order. She was a good soldier, and a good paladin, as incongruous as that may seem. Capable, strong, moral-she took a spoiled, battle-hungry warrior and made him into a rough reflection of her quiet brilliance. Her death hurt me, spurred on the darkest thoughts of despair and vengeance, but through it I gained balance in thought and soul-my heart would not be so resolved were it not tested by her loss.

There is hope, as there is always, for Sir Florian, but it is plain enough that you can see beyond it. Should he leave this world, I will not say 'do not grieve', but I would have you strengthened by the test, not cracked and set aside."

Aleksei closed his eyes, seeming to anticipate some backlash.

Tyr grant I have not merely planted visions of doom before her mind...it is she who is made for this mercy, not I.

[Ravyn]

"I.... Thank you," Manar replies quietly, fidgeting slightly with the knot on her sash. "It's.... I think it's the not knowing that makes it so difficult. Waiting for the second letter."

She sighs and looks down at the bed. "And I understand the necessity, but having to give what might be a goodbye in writing feels so impersonal..... where I stand I know is where I am meant to be, and I can deal with it, but he deserves better than that."

[Ryshan Ynrith]

Aleksei nods. "Most deserve better than what happens in the end. I would not think of it as not being able to say goodbye in person; give thanks that you can bid him farewell at all. Too many I've known have fallen unexpectedly, my last words to them mere nothings or perfunctory wishes of luck. A letter, at least, will let him know of your feelings and goodwill before the end."

Cold comfort, I think, but perhaps better than naught.

[Ravyn]

Manar becomes rather preoccupied with the way the sheets lie on the bed. I've had it easy, haven't I? When she does speak, it's a bit quieter, and more hesitant. "I... see what you mean. It is...." And then silence, as she rummages around her mind for the words she needs, watching the folds in her sheets intently and coloring slightly.

I must be coming across as so sheltered.

[Ryshan Ynrith]

Aleksei winces visibly and bites his lip.

Fool! Cease your ramblings!

"Forgive me, Dame Manar, if I have slighted you or your grief. I meant only to give what comfort a soldier and brother may give, not to discount the hurt you feel. I will trouble you no more today, save that you seek me out."

He makes a bow-considerably less composed than his normal flamboyant gesture-and flees the room, red-faced and feeling woefully inadequate, muttering derogatory statements about himself in his native tongue.

[Ravyn]

"Wait..." Manar bursts out as Aleksei turns to leave. "Don't go! You didn't.... it's.... " She looks down at the sheets again. "....difficult realizing just how easy my order tends to have it, in that respect...."

She sighs, the words tumbling out, somewhere between talking for the sake of a distraction and hoping that somewhere in there is something that'll make it right. "There were a few people I debated with that always claimed we were somehow lesser in the eyes of the gods as a whole because of our emphases. Because our missions tended to be littler things, and because we would give even the worst a chance, and..... because there's a sense in which we are in less danger. Most of the others tend to.... spend more time in situations that make it that much less likely that they live long enough for something like this to be an issue...."

And then looks up, uncertainly, not sure if he's still there or not and even less sure which outcome to hope for.

[Ryshan Ynrith]

Aleksei pauses a step outside the door, willing to listen. After Manar finished speaking, he nods.

"I would count your situation a greater loss than mine, Sister. A warrior knows the risks he and his comrades take, and the loss of a friend is in some way always expected, prepared for. To lose a loved one to illness? That is twofold a loss, for there are few who would call such a death heroic, though often it is more righteous; to work for the good of all until sickness claims you does far more good than to fling yourself heedless into the pit of battle. I have great respect for you and your order, Sister, for you do the work that must be done, without the thanks 'heroes' receive. What is right needs your touch far more than those of my nature, for what is another soldier amongst thousands? The only good a warrior can serve is to defend the helpless-you can bring souls back from the pits of hell to serve the Light once more, and that is a feat I fear I shall never match."

Aleksei gives a full, formal Hussar salute to Manar-a deep bow with the right arm crossing the chest.

[Ravyn]

Aleksei's gesture leaves Manar speechless, but the look of gratitude she gives him says more than anything she could throw together.

[Ryshan Ynrith]

Deciding not to push his luck any further, Aleksei softly excuses himself, intending to get a little time to himself.

Your servant thanks you, Tyr, for your blessing to his tongue.

[Varen_Tai]

Miles away, Owyn galloped full speed towards the little monastery where Manar had spent so much time in training, and where her friend and mentor lay dying. He gave no heed to the travelers he passed, focused on his goal. But not entirely focused - even while concentrating on the road, he was so accustomed to this part of his duty that a large part of his mind was free to ponder, observe, and meditate. There were times when he felt he could achieve a better connection with himself while the world was passing by so quickly that only the distant mountains seemed to stand still than when he was seated quietly in a room with no noise or other distractions.

As he rode, his mind automatically wandered through the events of the morning and found a few doubts creeping into his mind. Why was he doing this, really?

[storybookknight]

Owyn

Am I doing right?

Thudd-a-dudd. Lady's hooves hit the ground hard and fast, her muscles bunching as she leapt forward with preposterous speed.

What an odd thing to think. Of course I am. There were too many coincidences there to ignore.

Thudd-a-dudd.

My duty is as a messenger, and no more pressing duty was taking place... so it's not that I'm worried about deserting my duty.

Thudd-a-dudd. Thudd-a-dudd.

I shouldn't be feeling this sense of relief.

Thudd-a-dudd. Thudd-a-dudd. Thudd-a-dudd.

Why am I?

Thudd-a-dudd.

It's strange; is it Manar? I've seen plenty of grief before.

Thudd-a-dudd.

Is it the inactivity that's been bothering me? The lack of a clear duty?

Thudd-a-dudd.

Is it Malfrin? The responsibilities of keeping a squire, the way that I have to limit my speed around him...

Thudd-a-dudd.

I could have taken him//It would have been slower.
Someone needed to stay//Did they really? You didn't.
Couldn't have sent him alone//But you could leave him alone?
He didn't have to come//It's a squire's duty...

Thudd-a-dudd. Thudd-a-dudd. Thudd-a-dudd.

Except when another duty takes precedence. Someone had to go, and someone had to stay, and I can't do both.

Thudd-a-dudd.

Someone else could have gone.

Thudd-a-dudd.

A better messenger? There aren't many.

Thudd-a-dudd.

Someone without a squire to care for and educate.

Thudd-a-dudd.

I'll be back by evening!

Thudd-a-dudd.

Will you be back? What if a similar situation happens again, but with longer distances involved, and in rougher country?

Thudd-a-dudd.

I couldn't just stand by and watch. What else was I supposed to do?

Thudd-a-dudd.

"Your duty, to its fullest extent." That was the voice of his old teacher, a whipcord and scarred man who had served in a dozen violent campaigns, many of them quite dirty; his duties had related to scouting, spying, and occasionally even back-lines wetwork.

"The chivalrous knight assists his fellow knights to the limits of his ability, without regard to their individual status, nation, or creed." Owyn could see him now, spitting noisily on the packed dirt of the training salle.

"Don't you quote chapter and verse at me, Owyn! I know what He said. You don't go around 'assisting' fellow knights who are fightin' against you, except to instruct them on the error of their ways via force of arms, do ya? 'Course not. It's considered 'beyond the limits of your ability'."

"Lady Manar is hardly my enemy." Owyn glared back, but even in his thoughtscape he remained younger and more callow than his instructor, dead now for over a decade.

"And ain't that just the problem. It's not about enemy or not, it's about the limits placed on your ability by duty; limits which - you might want to take a closer look at." His one good eye glared, and Owyn could feel himself stamping at the phantom ground with frustration.

"Am I supposed to just turn around, then? The job needs doing, and I've given my word." Lady whickered as his hands tightened on her hackamore unconsciously, and with a jolt Owyn dropped out of his reverie. He leaned forward and patted her neck, and her ears flicked back questioningly.

"We'd best put more speed on, girl. There's duties waiting for us back in Waterdeep, and we've yet a ways to go."

[Varen_Tai]

There were so many birds in the sky, why would he pay any attention to them, or this one in particular? It winged its way towards Waterdeep, passing him overhead while he was deep in thought. Unaware of its purpose, he pressed forward, galloping as quickly as he could, as much now to speed his return to Waterdeep as to speed his arrival to the monastery. The bird was much faster than Lady, even as fast as she was, and so despite their crossing taking place much closer to the monastery than to Waterdeep, it had landed, and the the parchment removed from its leg at the same time that Owyn clattered into the courtyard, breathlessly asking for Sir Florian.

It was a peculiar coincidence, if a coincidence it was, observed only by the gods that the precise moment Owyn was ushered into the presence of the head of the monastery, Master Kom, and heard the news from the dwarf's lips that Manar had received the letter and sat in her room reading it.

Lady Manar -

It is with deep sadness that I inform you that Sir Florian has passed from this life. The illness struck quickly, and as no magic of our own could bring him back, we assume it was the will of the gods.

He was a good man, and had brought many to the Light. He will be honored here in four days. Your presence is requested for some final arrangements, if His Grace Balthor will permit it.

Yours in Lathander,

Master Kom

*******************

The dwarf looked deeply saddened. "Sir Owyn, I am sorry that you had to come so far, but Sir Florian died about an hour or so past. I wish there were better news, or that Lady Manar could have seen him before he passed, but such was not the will of the gods." A low murmur of arose from the few gathered in the small room where Owyn listened to the news.

[storybookknight]

For a moment, Owyn froze. Lady Manar was called by His Grace, and then wrote the letter, and as it was finished... we did all that we could. It's not fair to ourselves or to others if we blame ourselves for that. Owyn bowed low, then, and thanked Master Kom for his concern. "I am sorry for your loss." That much, at least, was stock formula - what else did one say to such a person, as an outsider? "I - er - will pray that Sir Florian still receives this message, even where he is now. Dame Manar herself could not leave, but..." Owyn waves his hand in the air wearily, and sighs. "I apologize. Have any of you other messages for Dame Manar, or for anyone else in Waterdeep? I fear that I must return promptly..."

[Ravyn]

I'm not reading this.... She nearly puts the letter aside after she reaches the important part. Will of the gods--what kind of divine plan would require....?

And then she gets to the second part, and this time she does practically drop the letter. Did they not ask? If I were just on circuit it would be one thing, but.... no, I shouldn't blame them, it's not like it's normal for one of us to be kept from something this important.... he won't've gotten my note, either, such a pity, he would've loved knowing we finally got his version of the ballad out.... is this what serving is? To never be able to do anything when you're the only one to whom it matters?

She rolls over in her bed, shoving the letter away and the pillow over her head as if blocking the information out will make it go away. Couldn't do... couldn't change.... couldn't even..... why? If his passing is that important to the gods, the least they could do....

And she remembers. That third village, out in the wilds. The old woman who had hung onto life longer than anyone deemed possible for the sake of being "seen off", then passed away contented. A younger version of herself, asking her teacher why it was that so many of the villagers still complained that she passed too quickly. "You assume that we weep for the dead," he had explained. "We tell ourselves we do because it feels more noble, but we don't. All of these people are crying, not for her, but for themselves."

It's selfish, then, what I'm doing. I shouldn't be moping; I need to do something. She shoves herself out from under the covers and to her feet. If nothing else, the old rite, that one I dug out of the library a few years ago.... Tentatively, she opens her mouth to sing.... and nothing comes. Not a word, not a note, just a bit of a strangled cough.

....that, too? Am I supposed to face this alone?

She rummages around her head for something that will get her through. Some old quote, some word of wisdom. But despite her best efforts, nothing inspirational comes, nothing that will bring back her fire. Just "There is no weakness in knowing one's own limits."

A massive damp spot under the pillow, Manar notices, has never before been quite as welcoming.

[Varen_Tai]

None of those present had any additional messages for Manar, and as an afterthought, Owyn mentioned quietly to Master Kom what His Grace Balthor had said about holding the funeral in Waterdeep. The dwarf eyes misted over slightly, but said aloud, "That is good news, but we will need to get a message directly from His Grace before acting on it. But thank you for the information. It means a lot to us."

It seemed a long ride back to Waterdeep for Owyn. Though Lady raced as fast as she ever did, he mourned for the loss of a man he had never met. Messengers would need to be sent back and forth to arrange Florian's funeral, and he considered volunteering for the job. Or maybe not, he thought. All things seemed in flux, and this assignment was nothing like any he had ever held before. Who knows what additional situations might arise?

He arrived back in Waterdeep to find that Manar had been closeted in her room since he left. Amun was not with the other knights, though the rest of them had stayed together. None of them had heard the news, and Owyn sadly recounted to them what had happened. Aleksei bowed his head, Samson took a step backwards with eyes lowered to the ground, Malfrin abruptly burst into tears though he quickly scrubbed them away, and Rayvon's normally cheerful demeanor clouded over. Even Buddy was affected, whining and nosing at his master.

The unspoken question lay thick between them. What can we possibly do?

[chiefwaha]

Ravyon scratches Buddy's head without thought or purpose. He frowns while listening to Owyn recount his trip, thinking to himself. "We should offer our condolences I guess..." he says sadly, looking at the others.

[mdsoze]

Samson

Samson looks down, and rocks on his feet. He reaches up with one hand, and grabs onto a horn, holding onto it. He speaks quietly.

Unless you think I'd be needed, I would prefer to wait here. This is still something I do not understand, and I do not want to cause Lady Manar more pain.

[Toliudar]

Malfrin

The squire turns away, his face burning. Torm. Torm! Why can't I just...keep hold of myself. I didn't even know him! But the look on Manar's face.

Twice, Malfrin tries to form questions of Owyn, but shies away, shame wrestling with grief across his features. He sinks to a chair, a soft wail continuing to rise for a moment.

[chiefwaha]

"Who ever understands death?" Rayvon asks rhetorically in response to Samson's statement. "We won't be long unless Manar asks us to stay, but you should come with to let her know you're there for her. It's up to you really, but I don't think it would hurt for any of us to show support. I'm going now if any of you want to come with," he says sadly and starts to move towards the door.

[Varen_Tai]

The group followed Rayvon and Buddy to the temporary lodgings, where everyone's room was located. To their surprise, around the corner from Manar's door sat Amun, head bowed. He looked out of place in the narrow hallways, and he did not even notice them until Buddy (who was ahead of the group) padded next to him and nudged him with his nose. The small statured man jumped slightly to see the large dog, but he scrambled to his feet and turned towards the group.

[chiefwaha]

Rayvon smiles sadly at Amun, "One step ahead of us I see. Is Manar not around right now?"

[Glikker]

Amun scrambled to his feet, embarrassment plain on his face, "I... did not.. I am sorry..."

As Rayvon asks his question, Amun's expression changes rapidly through several emotions, then something seems to click behind his eyes. He raises his head and scans the collected group. With more confidence than he has shown since his arrival, he says, "She is in her room. I was praying for her and for the soul of her friend. I do not know the customs here in the West, but where I come from, the servants of Osiris have duties we perform for those who grieve, those who walk on, and those who stay behind." A bit of apprehension comes back into his expression as he continues, "I did not know how to ask if she wished my services."

[chiefwaha]

Rayvon looks at the man speculatively for a moment before saying, "We're going to offer our sympathies now. You're welcome to join us and offer your assistance. I can't see any harm in asking and there is a certain amount of appropriateness with Osiris being lord of the dead."

[Glikker]

Amun nods at Rayvon's invitation. "In the East, grief is a personal thing. To call attention to it is disrespectful. Normally I would be invited to perform my duties, but the customs are obviously different here. I will accompany you and offer what I can."

[chiefwaha]

"It's a personal thing here as well. Each person handles it their own way. Some keep it all to themselves, but friends can share grief, if that's what they choose. Some believe it doesn't weigh as much if you share."

[Ryshan Ynrith]

Aleksei nods agreement. "There is no way to tell beforehand how someone will take a death...the uncertainty of reaction is perhaps the hardest thing for a comrade to deal with, and each come out of grief in their own way. I have spoken with Manar already on this, however, and I will gladly allow you time alone, if you desire."

A bitter day indeed. Tyr grant Sir Florian an afterlife fitting for his service.

[mdsoze]

Samson

Samson shifs uncomfortably, almost seeming agitated at this point. He speaks slowly at first, but his pace quickens as he nears the end of his sentences.

He has died. His life is over. He has moved on to the afterlife. That is unchangeable. I've seen humans grieve loss many a time, but I've never understood it. It's not something I feel.

[Toliudar]

Malfrin

The squire was so focused on trying to figure out what attitude, what demeanour to assume to best help Manar, that he barely noticed Amun's still form in the hallway until the conversation started up.

When Samson spoke of an absence of grief, Malfrin twisted his head around to look up at the mighty warrior.

Way TOO familiar with grief, myself. It's always a bit selfish really- as much about me losing them as about them losing their lives, if you know what I mean. Tell me then, friend - what DO you feel when a companion dies? No sense of your own loss, even if they have gone on to another life beyond this one. Perhaps your response is simply your version of grief.

[Glikker]

Amun nods at the others' words, "In my service, I have seen many different reactions to loss. My concern is more for respecting the customs that Manar-Dirat may wish to observe at this time."

As they round the corner, Amun returns to silence and his usual place at the back of the group.