put your good {Forum appropriate} jokes here!

[super dark33]

write down here the best jokes you ever found.


now hit me with all that you got!

[Raistlin1040]

Alright. This one is a knock knock joke.

You start.

[Mauve Shirt]

A priest, a rabbi and a buddhist monk walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
illustration

[The Succubus]

A few weeks ago, I found myself in a dingy London pub and at the bar was a most peculiar sight. There was a man dressed like something out of Arabian Nights - curly toed sandals, waistcoat, turban, the works. There was also a tiny little man playing a tiny little piano and glaring at both of them was the barman.

Curiousity got the better of me and I walked over to the guy in the turban.

"What are you dressed like that for?"

"Pardon?" he said, cupping a hand to his ear.

"WHAT ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE THAT FOR?"

"Oh, I'm a genie, mate. Ask for anything you desire and I shall grant your wish."

Not being the greedy sort and somewhat skeptical of his abilities, I think for a minute. "I'd like 50 pounds, please."

"Pardon?

"I'd like 50 pounds, please."

"What?"

"I'D LIKE 50 QUID!"

The genie waves his hands and *POOF*, 50 octopuses land on my head. Crawling out from beneath the tentacles, I glare at the genie and ask him what he was playing at. The barmans looks down at me and says:

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"Do you think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?

[Dogmantra]

A joke of my own making!

Punny Business II: Straw Hut
Long ago, in a country far away, lived a young boy and his family, in a hut made of straw. The boy was a very fussy eater, and one day, was given a cheese and ham scone to eat. Not only was it a savoury scone, which the boy considered an abomination, but the ham was also improperly cured and had gone slightly off. In a fit, the boy chucked the scone into the corner, never to be seen again. Soon, however, the family was visited by some wild animals who smelt the ham and wanted it for themselves. Upon reaching the hut, all that the wild animals could tell is that the source of the smell was from inside the hut. They easily broke apart the straw walls, letting the hut collapse onto the boy's mother and father. and took the cheese and ham scone away to eat. The boy, who had been playing outside, turned around to see he was now homeless, and unless he acted fast, parentless. From that day forward, the boy knew that

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people in grass houses shouldn't throw scones.

THE END???

[A Rainy Knight]

To play off the same saying as Dogmantra's:

There once was a mighty tribal king who lived in a palatial grass hut. However, he sat upon a lowly throne of sticks and mud, which displeased him greatly. He demanded that his followers build him a better throne, which they did, out of stone. He took his lousy old stick-throne and stored it in the attic of his hut and sat upon his new stone throne. However, he quickly grew tired of this one as well. He demanded thrones and more thrones, thrones of obsidian, marble, silver, and gold, each time putting the unwanted old throne in the attic. Finally, the strain on the grass flooring of the attic grew too great, and the thrones fell through, landed on the king, and killed him. It just goes to show you that

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people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

[Savannah]

A human, an elf, and a dwarf walk into a bar. The human orders a mug of beer, the elf orders a glass of wine, and the dwarf orders a mug of ale. When the barmaid brings their drinks, the three discover that there is a fly in each one.

The human

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shrugs, picks up the fly and tosses it aside, and drinks his beer.

The elf

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shudders and asks the barmaid for a new glass of wine.

The dwarf

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grabs the fly and starts shouting,
"Spit it out! SPIT! IT! OUT!"

[Winthur]

To play off the same saying as Dogmantra's:
*snip*

*stops tinkering with his gadgets*

Despite all claims to the contrary, turnip beer has wondrous medicinal properties in addition to its fine taste.



As for jokes...
A hunchback went on a walk through the cemetery at night.
Suddenly, a ghost approached him.
*WHAT HAVE YOU GOT, HUMAN?*, it boomed.
"O-o-only a hunch!", he replies scared.
*GIVE IT TO ME, THEN.*
The hunchback goes away without his hunch and is very happy with that fact. Later he approaches his friend, a war veteran with a damaged leg and told him all about the encounter. Said friend goes to the cemetery at night. He barely ventured in and he's already approached by the wraith.
*HAVE YOU GOT A HUNCH?*, the ghost spoke.
"No", the veteran replied truthfully.
*TAKE IT THEN.*

[Rutskarn]

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There once was a soldier, a grizzled veteran of many wars against the foreign Dantar and Eppian tribes. And as he fought, he made many sacrifices--he lost an eye to a spear, his teeth to a gauntlet, and his trusty sword grew pitted and rusted. Then the war ended, and he was adrift, known everywhere as the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword.

One day, he decides he needs something to complete him--a wife. He thinks on the matter, then decides that a soldier of his stature deserves only the best--the flaxen-haired daughter of the king himself. And so, determined as he was to win the king's daughter, he went to the castle.

As he arrived, he told the royal arranger, "I want to see the king."

The arranger said, "the king is seeing nobody."

And he said, "Not even the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword?"

And the arranger asked: "Well, that depends. Are you the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword said: "Yes. Yes, I am the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword."

The arranger said, "Alright, then, he can see you."

And so the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword stepped into the king's chambers. The king regarded him regally--as kings do--and asked him, "What business have ye here, o man of a single eye, a single tooth, and a withered blade?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword said, "Well, my lord, I wondered if I might have your daughter in marriage."

The king said nothing at first, lost in thought. Finally, he said, "Well, soldier, this is quite a difficult request. Truly, you are valorous. You have slain many men of Dantar and Eppian in your day. Still...my daugher is a fair jewel. There are few of her like out there. There are, however, many suitors--many of whom have both eyes, and many teeth, and swords that gleam like sunlight."

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword grinned his one-toothed grin, and winked his single eye. "Well, my lord, I may have one eye, and I may have one tooth, and my sword might be rusted and old, but my one eye is good, and my one tooth is sharp, and my sword has never failed me yet. I promise you, my lord--all of these may yet serve you well."

And the king thought on this. Finally, he said, "Well..."

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"Very well, solider, I will give you your chance. I will let you try for the hand of my daughter. But before I am convinced of your worth, you must complete for me three tasks. Do you understand?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword nodded, and grinned, and cried, "Yes!"

The king smiled benevolently, as kings do, and said: "Alright, then. Here is your first task.

"The Eppians have acquired a saintly relic--a chalice made of silver, once possessed by Saint Crane. You must go behind lines and retrieve for me this chalice."

And so, the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword set off for Eppian lands.

It took him many days and nights to cross the dunes to Eppia. He would go days at a time without food or water, driven by love and honor alone. He avoided the soldiers of Eppia, careful not to be seen.

Finally, he came across the sacred chalice, being transported in a carriage. Strangely, the carriage was made of canvas, but the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword paid this detail no heed.

He knew it would be difficult to acquire the chalice. It was guarded heavily. But he thought of the princess, and he mustered his courage, and he entered the carriage.

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He raced past the guards, snatched the chalice of St. Crane, and dove out of the canvas carriage. Having accomplished this, he returned to the king.

He came to the king, the triumphant one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword, and said, "My lord, I have for you the Silver Chalice of St. Crane, taken from the Eppians!"

And the king smiled, as kings do, and took the chalice. "Well done. It seems I have underestimated the keenness of your one eye, and the truth of your rusted blade. Still, there are two more tasks. Are you ready for the next?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword said, "Yes, my lord, I am ready!"

The king smiled.

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"Very well. This may sound strange, but trust me--it is important. A boat on Dantar waters carries a bottle with them. This bottle is made of jade, and bears the letter "T" on its stem. You must get the bottle from the Dantar boat and bring it back to me."

The one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword nodded, and grinned his one-toothed grin, and set off.

It took the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword many days to reach the Dantar boat, for it was swift, and he was but a lone seaman. But his efforts were not in vain--finally, under dead of night, he came to the side of the ship.

The one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword placed a gnarled hand on the side of the boat, and thought long and hard about what he was going to do. There would be many enemy seamen, and he would have to fight many before he could escape with the strange jade bottle. But then, he thought of the princess, and he boarded the ship.

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He flung himself aboard, sword at the ready, hacking through dozens like a madman. They came in waves, but the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword was a skilled soldier indeed, and they were no match for him. Finally, he managed to break through the mob, kick down a door, spot the bottle with his sharp eye, grab it, and fling himself overboard. It took him many days to get to shore, but finally, he arrived--bottle clutched in his weathered hand.

And so, the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword returned to the king, and said, "Behold! For I have taken the jade bottle marked with a "T" from the Dantar boat!"

And the king laughed, as kings do, and took the bottle. "Excellent work, good solider! Excellent indeed! There is but one more task. It seems minor, of course, given what you have been through, but it is a task nonetheless."

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword smiled his one-toothed smile, and said, "My lord, I am ready!"

And the king took a breath.

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"Good one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword, this task is simple. There is a blue sapphire at the bottom of a nearby cave, the Cave of Ant'erior. Retrieve it--but beware, for there are wolves below."

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword raised his rusty sword, and cried, "It shall be done!"

The one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword set off, traveling many miles to the cave of Ant'erior. Finally, he came to the cave mouth.

At first, he was frightened, for there were wolves below that could tear the flesh from an ordinary man. But then, he thought of the princess, and he grew determined. He set off into the cave.

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He was devoured by wolves.

[Cobalt]

A joke of my own making!

*snip*

I still don't get that joke. I'm like a stone wall against things others find funny.

*snip*

Gaaaaaaaaaah. I saw it coming.

[A Rainy Knight]

I still don't get that joke. I'm like a stone wall against things others find funny.

It's making a pun on the saying "people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."

[The Bushranger]

Heeheehee...




I've posted this one before elsewhere, but it's still one of my all-time favourites.


Two detectives were investigating the murder of golfer Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"The witnesses said the killer used a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?!" the first detective exlaimed increulously. "What the heck is a golf gun?"

The second detective looked up from inspecting the corpse, and shrugged...

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"I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan."

[Starfols]

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There once was a soldier, a grizzled veteran of many wars against the foreign Dantar and Eppian tribes. And as he fought, he made many sacrifices--he lost an eye to a spear, his teeth to a gauntlet, and his trusty sword grew pitted and rusted. Then the war ended, and he was adrift, known everywhere as the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword.

One day, he decides he needs something to complete him--a wife. He thinks on the matter, then decides that a soldier of his stature deserves only the best--the flaxen-haired daughter of the king himself. And so, determined as he was to win the king's daughter, he went to the castle.

As he arrived, he told the royal arranger, "I want to see the king."

The arranger said, "the king is seeing nobody."

And he said, "Not even the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword?"

And the arranger asked: "Well, that depends. Are you the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword said: "Yes. Yes, I am the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword."

The arranger said, "Alright, then, he can see you."

And so the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword stepped into the king's chambers. The king regarded him regally--as kings do--and asked him, "What business have ye here, o man of a single eye, a single tooth, and a withered blade?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword said, "Well, my lord, I wondered if I might have your daughter in marriage."

The king said nothing at first, lost in thought. Finally, he said, "Well, soldier, this is quite a difficult request. Truly, you are valorous. You have slain many men of Dantar and Eppian in your day. Still...my daugher is a fair jewel. There are few of her like out there. There are, however, many suitors--many of whom have both eyes, and many teeth, and swords that gleam like sunlight."

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword grinned his one-toothed grin, and winked his single eye. "Well, my lord, I may have one eye, and I may have one tooth, and my sword might be rusted and old, but my one eye is good, and my one tooth is sharp, and my sword has never failed me yet. I promise you, my lord--all of these may yet serve you well."

And the king thought on this. Finally, he said, "Well..."

Spoiler

Show

"Very well, solider, I will give you your chance. I will let you try for the hand of my daughter. But before I am convinced of your worth, you must complete for me three tasks. Do you understand?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword nodded, and grinned, and cried, "Yes!"

The king smiled benevolently, as kings do, and said: "Alright, then. Here is your first task.

"The Eppians have acquired a saintly relic--a chalice made of silver, once possessed by Saint Crane. You must go behind lines and retrieve for me this chalice."

And so, the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword set off for Eppian lands.

It took him many days and nights to cross the dunes to Eppia. He would go days at a time without food or water, driven by love and honor alone. He avoided the soldiers of Eppia, careful not to be seen.

Finally, he came across the sacred chalice, being transported in a carriage. Strangely, the carriage was made of canvas, but the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword paid this detail no heed.

He knew it would be difficult to acquire the chalice. It was guarded heavily. But he thought of the princess, and he mustered his courage, and he entered the carriage.

Spoiler

Show

He raced past the guards, snatched the chalice of St. Crane, and dove out of the canvas carriage. Having accomplished this, he returned to the king.

He came to the king, the triumphant one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword, and said, "My lord, I have for you the Silver Chalice of St. Crane, taken from the Eppians!"

And the king smiled, as kings do, and took the chalice. "Well done. It seems I have underestimated the keenness of your one eye, and the truth of your rusted blade. Still, there are two more tasks. Are you ready for the next?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword said, "Yes, my lord, I am ready!"

The king smiled.

Spoiler

Show

"Very well. This may sound strange, but trust me--it is important. A boat on Dantar waters carries a bottle with them. This bottle is made of jade, and bears the letter "T" on its stem. You must get the bottle from the Dantar boat and bring it back to me."

The one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword nodded, and grinned his one-toothed grin, and set off.

It took the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword many days to reach the Dantar boat, for it was swift, and he was but a lone seaman. But his efforts were not in vain--finally, under dead of night, he came to the side of the ship.

The one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword placed a gnarled hand on the side of the boat, and thought long and hard about what he was going to do. There would be many enemy seamen, and he would have to fight many before he could escape with the strange jade bottle. But then, he thought of the princess, and he boarded the ship.

Spoiler

Show

He flung himself aboard, sword at the ready, hacking through dozens like a madman. They came in waves, but the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword was a skilled soldier indeed, and they were no match for him. Finally, he managed to break through the mob, kick down a door, spot the bottle with his sharp eye, grab it, and fling himself overboard. It took him many days to get to shore, but finally, he arrived--bottle clutched in his weathered hand.

And so, the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword returned to the king, and said, "Behold! For I have taken the jade bottle marked with a "T" from the Dantar boat!"

And the king laughed, as kings do, and took the bottle. "Excellent work, good solider! Excellent indeed! There is but one more task. It seems minor, of course, given what you have been through, but it is a task nonetheless."

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword smiled his one-toothed smile, and said, "My lord, I am ready!"

And the king took a breath.

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Show

"Good one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword, this task is simple. There is a blue sapphire at the bottom of a nearby cave, the Cave of Ant'erior. Retrieve it--but beware, for there are wolves below."

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword raised his rusty sword, and cried, "It shall be done!"

The one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword set off, traveling many miles to the cave of Ant'erior. Finally, he came to the cave mouth.

At first, he was frightened, for there were wolves below that could tear the flesh from an ordinary man. But then, he thought of the princess, and he grew determined. He set off into the cave.

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Show

He was devoured by wolves.

Once upon a time Rutskarn:

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told an enormously long joke that had a groanworthy punchline, so

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I kicked him in the shins.

[Dogmantra]

It's making a pun on the saying "people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."

If you're one of the heretics that pronounces it to rhyme with gone, then you won't get it and you don't deserve to.

[Rutskarn]

Once upon a time Rutskarn:

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told an enormously long joke that had a groanworthy punchline, so

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I kicked him in the shins.

That's quite fair.

[GrlumpTheElder]

What's white and can't climb trees?

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A Fridge

[Cyrion]

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?

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Because if they had four doors they'd be chicken sedans.

[Marillion]

So, a blonde and a bodybuilder go back to the bodybuilder's apartment. Showing off for the lady, the bodybuilder took off his shirt and flexed his muscles. "My goodness, you're so huge!" she says. "That's 100 pounds of pure dynamite, baby." He takes off his pants, and flexes some more. "My goodness, you're so huge!" she says. "That's 100 pounds of pure dynamite, baby." But when he takes off his underwear, the blonde runs screaming from the apartment. Somewhat perplexed, he struggles to get his clothes back on and chases after her. Catching up with her outside of the building, he asks her why she ran screaming from the apartment. The woman says

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"Well, I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was."

[katans]

European heaven is when the police are british, the mechanics german, the cooks french, the lovers italian and it's all organized by the swiss.

European hell is when the police are german, the mechanics french, the cooks british, the lovers swiss and it's all organized by the italian.

* * *

Obligatory engineer jokes:

Two engineers, one of them dragging a brand-new bike, meet in front of their office.
- Wow, that's a cool bike. Where d'you get it?
- Well, I was walking home from work the other day and this ultra hot chick comes to me riding this bike, steps off it, strips naked and says "Take what you want". So I took the bike.
- Good choice. Her clothes wouldn't probably have fit you anyway.

*

A mathematician is someone who can build a bridge and not know why it collapsed.
A physicist is someone who can build a bridge and know why it collapsed.
An engineer is someone who can build a bridge that doesn't collapse, but he won't know why.

*

Three businessmen and three engineers share a train compartment. Each businessman has bought his own ticket, while the engineers only have one ticket for three.
- How's that supposed to work? the businessmen ask.
- Watch and learn, the engineers reply.
As the porter comes, the engineers sneak into the toilet and lock themselves inside. The porter knocks on the door, calls "Ticket please!", the ticket is slid under the door, the porter validates it and leaves to check the other passengers.

On the way back, the businessmen have bought one ticket for three, while the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
- How's that supposed to work? the businessmen ask.
- Watch and learn, the engineers reply.
As the porter comes, the businessmen sneak into the toilet and lock themselves inside. One of the engineers knocks on the door, calls "Ticket please!", the ticket is slid under the door, the engineers take it, lock themselves in the other toilet and wait for the porter.

Conclusion: businessmen often try and use engineer methods but in the end they never really understand them.

*

An engineer walks by a pond and suddenly a frog leaps out of it, calling: "Hey! Kiss me, and I'll turn into a princess!"
The engineer gently picks up the frog, puts it into his pocket and keeps going. The frog pokes its head out and calls: "Hey! Kiss me and I'll turn into a REALLY BEAUTIFUL and VERY WILLING princess!"
The engineer stops, picks out the frog and says: "Listen buddy, I'm an engineer. I have neither time nor use for a girlfriend. But a talking frog? That's frickin' COOL."

*

A priest, a doctor and an engineer are playing golf and wondering why the group of players before them is so horribly slow. The golf manager, once asked, explains that the other players are firemen who lost their eyesight saving the clubhouse from a fire and are now granted lifelong golf privileges.
The priest says: "That was so courageous. I'll pray for them."
The doctor says: "Modern medicine has gone very far. I'll see what I can do to help them."
The engineer says: "Why don't they just play at night?"

[Thufir]

In a similar vein:

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician each wake up to find a fire in their respective rooms.
The engineer fills a bucket with water, throws it over the fire, then goes back to bed.
The physicist makes some measurements, does some calculations, measures out the right amount of water, throws it over the fire, then goes back to bed.
The mathematician makes the same measurements, does some calculations, announces "There is a solution!" then goes back to bed.

[drakir_nosslin]

I like where this thread is going...

An infinite (countable) number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one says "I'll have a pint of beer, please."
The second one then points to the first and says "I'll have half of what he's having."
The third points to the second and says "I'll have half of what he's having."
Before the fourth has time to say anything, the bartender says:
"You're all mad, that's what you are" and gives them two pints.

[BisectedBrioche]

One day Mr. Strange the lawyer was sat in the courtroom, when all of a sudden he collapsed.

After being rushed to hospital it was discovered that he was suffering from a hyperthermia, because the courthouse had failed to repair the air conditioning. Annoyed, he considered suing but realised that there was no point. Feeling guilty anyway, a kindly old judge agreed (somewhat sarcastically) to pay for his funeral arrangements when he died.

At the funeral parlour, he requested that his gravestone read "Here lies an honest man and a good lawyer". Unfortunately the mortician refused;

"I'm sorry, but there simply isn't enough space on the gravestone to say that."

"What would you suggest instead?", Strange said after a moment.

"How does 'Here lies an honest lawyer' sound?"

"But I'm not sure if that's really something that would bring me to mind when people read it..."

Then the mortician smiled and said,

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"On the contrary, sir. They'll read it and say 'That's Strange.'"

[Cyrion]

What's a Quark Bar?

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The only candy bar with flavor and charm.

For the serious math-heads:

What's purple and commutes?

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An Abelian grape.

[katans]

Math joke.

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e^x is wandering through the woods and see all the other functions fleeing in fear. "Quick!" says a little x². "A derivative operator is coming! He'll reduce you to nothingness!". e^x just laughs and keeps going, and finally meets the derivative operator. "I'm not afraid of you!" e^x proudly says. "I stay the same when you derive me!". The differential operator laughs and says in a diabolical voice: "You are doomed, poor little function. I'm a d/dy!"

[Castaras]

In a similar vein:

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician each wake up to find a fire in their respective rooms.
The engineer fills a bucket with water, throws it over the fire, then goes back to bed.
The physicist makes some measurements, does some calculations, measures out the right amount of water, throws it over the fire, then goes back to bed.
The mathematician makes the same measurements, does some calculations, announces "There is a solution!" then goes back to bed.

An Engineer asks "How does it work?"
A Physicist asks "Why does it work?"
An Accountant asks "How much will it cost me?"
A Liberal Arts Major asks "Would you like fries with that?"


"Hey, I think I lost an electron."
"You sure?"
"I'm positive."

Two cannibals talking to each other. One says to the other "I've become a vegetarian." The other says "But I saw you eat that person over there." "He was a Swede."

[BisectedBrioche]

A mac user, windows user and a linux user need to change a lightbulb.

The linux user goes out, buys a more energy efficient bulb and replaces it himself.

The windows user goes into the hardware shop and asks for the same type of bulb and confirms it simply needs screwing back in place.

The mac user phones the bulb company and asks them how much it will be to have his bulb's filament replaced.


...no offense to mac users.

[Eon]

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There once was a soldier, a grizzled veteran of many wars against the foreign Dantar and Eppian tribes. And as he fought, he made many sacrifices--he lost an eye to a spear, his teeth to a gauntlet, and his trusty sword grew pitted and rusted. Then the war ended, and he was adrift, known everywhere as the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword.

One day, he decides he needs something to complete him--a wife. He thinks on the matter, then decides that a soldier of his stature deserves only the best--the flaxen-haired daughter of the king himself. And so, determined as he was to win the king's daughter, he went to the castle.

As he arrived, he told the royal arranger, "I want to see the king."

The arranger said, "the king is seeing nobody."

And he said, "Not even the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword?"

And the arranger asked: "Well, that depends. Are you the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword said: "Yes. Yes, I am the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword."

The arranger said, "Alright, then, he can see you."

And so the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword stepped into the king's chambers. The king regarded him regally--as kings do--and asked him, "What business have ye here, o man of a single eye, a single tooth, and a withered blade?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword said, "Well, my lord, I wondered if I might have your daughter in marriage."

The king said nothing at first, lost in thought. Finally, he said, "Well, soldier, this is quite a difficult request. Truly, you are valorous. You have slain many men of Dantar and Eppian in your day. Still...my daugher is a fair jewel. There are few of her like out there. There are, however, many suitors--many of whom have both eyes, and many teeth, and swords that gleam like sunlight."

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword grinned his one-toothed grin, and winked his single eye. "Well, my lord, I may have one eye, and I may have one tooth, and my sword might be rusted and old, but my one eye is good, and my one tooth is sharp, and my sword has never failed me yet. I promise you, my lord--all of these may yet serve you well."

And the king thought on this. Finally, he said, "Well..."

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"Very well, solider, I will give you your chance. I will let you try for the hand of my daughter. But before I am convinced of your worth, you must complete for me three tasks. Do you understand?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword nodded, and grinned, and cried, "Yes!"

The king smiled benevolently, as kings do, and said: "Alright, then. Here is your first task.

"The Eppians have acquired a saintly relic--a chalice made of silver, once possessed by Saint Crane. You must go behind lines and retrieve for me this chalice."

And so, the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword set off for Eppian lands.

It took him many days and nights to cross the dunes to Eppia. He would go days at a time without food or water, driven by love and honor alone. He avoided the soldiers of Eppia, careful not to be seen.

Finally, he came across the sacred chalice, being transported in a carriage. Strangely, the carriage was made of canvas, but the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword paid this detail no heed.

He knew it would be difficult to acquire the chalice. It was guarded heavily. But he thought of the princess, and he mustered his courage, and he entered the carriage.

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He raced past the guards, snatched the chalice of St. Crane, and dove out of the canvas carriage. Having accomplished this, he returned to the king.

He came to the king, the triumphant one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword, and said, "My lord, I have for you the Silver Chalice of St. Crane, taken from the Eppians!"

And the king smiled, as kings do, and took the chalice. "Well done. It seems I have underestimated the keenness of your one eye, and the truth of your rusted blade. Still, there are two more tasks. Are you ready for the next?"

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword said, "Yes, my lord, I am ready!"

The king smiled.

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"Very well. This may sound strange, but trust me--it is important. A boat on Dantar waters carries a bottle with them. This bottle is made of jade, and bears the letter "T" on its stem. You must get the bottle from the Dantar boat and bring it back to me."

The one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword nodded, and grinned his one-toothed grin, and set off.

It took the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword many days to reach the Dantar boat, for it was swift, and he was but a lone seaman. But his efforts were not in vain--finally, under dead of night, he came to the side of the ship.

The one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword placed a gnarled hand on the side of the boat, and thought long and hard about what he was going to do. There would be many enemy seamen, and he would have to fight many before he could escape with the strange jade bottle. But then, he thought of the princess, and he boarded the ship.

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He flung himself aboard, sword at the ready, hacking through dozens like a madman. They came in waves, but the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword was a skilled soldier indeed, and they were no match for him. Finally, he managed to break through the mob, kick down a door, spot the bottle with his sharp eye, grab it, and fling himself overboard. It took him many days to get to shore, but finally, he arrived--bottle clutched in his weathered hand.

And so, the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword returned to the king, and said, "Behold! For I have taken the jade bottle marked with a "T" from the Dantar boat!"

And the king laughed, as kings do, and took the bottle. "Excellent work, good solider! Excellent indeed! There is but one more task. It seems minor, of course, given what you have been through, but it is a task nonetheless."

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword smiled his one-toothed smile, and said, "My lord, I am ready!"

And the king took a breath.

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"Good one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword, this task is simple. There is a blue sapphire at the bottom of a nearby cave, the Cave of Ant'erior. Retrieve it--but beware, for there are wolves below."

And the one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword raised his rusty sword, and cried, "It shall be done!"

The one-eyed-one-toothed soldier with a rusty metal sword set off, traveling many miles to the cave of Ant'erior. Finally, he came to the cave mouth.

At first, he was frightened, for there were wolves below that could tear the flesh from an ordinary man. But then, he thought of the princess, and he grew determined. He set off into the cave.

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He was devoured by wolves.

*is confused*

[Cealocanth]

Here's one of my favorites.

Me: Do you know why elephants paint their toenails red?

You: No.

Me: So they can hide in a cherry tree.

You:...

Me: Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

You: No.

Me: Works pretty good doesn't it?

[Shas aia Toriia]

An Engineer asks "How does it work?"
A Physicist asks "Why does it work?"
An Accountant asks "How much will it cost me?"
A Liberal Arts Major asks "Would you like fries with that?"

I'm going to use that. Awesome.

[Silverraptor]

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...

Ba-Dum-Tsh!