Relationship Woes and Advice: A Sleepless Fortnight

[Erloas]

That article is rather interesting. Though it seems I'm not lying the average 10-20%.
The photo information was interesting. The first two I uploaded were from earlier this month, two are from last year, and the last is I think 2 years old. Though the date stamp on the ones from last year is wrong. I'm just not a photogenic person, though I think those pictures are pretty good, if a bit bland.

[Eadin]

Maybe you should get some pictures taken by a professional.
Not a whole photoshoot, but a simple headshot.
I get one every year (and also request some small ones for my student card and when applying for a summer job).
I pay 15 euro (I think a bit less than 20 dollars)for 1 big one and 6 small ones, and I think it's a good investment anyway.
Just a suggestion though

[MountainKing]

Photogenicism (if that's not a real word, it totally is now), sadly, is a difficult trait to master. To an extent, one can bolster it by practicing their smile (I know, sounds really dumb) and working on their self esteem and confidence. The former's benefit is obvious; that, hinged with (as Eadin suggested) a professional (or really good hobbyist) photographer, can make a really desirable photo. The last two things, however, are really more important once you're meeting the person... in... person. Ew, that sentence structure sucks. Forging ahead!

Meeting online is great, but the meeting in person part is HUGE! I cannot possibly over-state how big of a deal that is. When I first met my friend A, I went from my normal self, to this shy, self-conscious, awkward idiot. She absolutely blew my mind.

[term1nally s1ck]

Maybe you should get some pictures taken by a professional.
Not a whole photoshoot, but a simple headshot.
I get one every year (and also request some small ones for my student card and when applying for a summer job).
I pay 15 euro (I think a bit less than 20 dollars)for 1 big one and 6 small ones, and I think it's a good investment anyway.
Just a suggestion though

Aha! I knew those photos that everyone was raving about couldn't be *that* impressive. So, got a pro to soften the lighting, maybe shoop out a few blemishes, eh? You wouldn't risk posting one of what you actually look like, for fear of criticism, I bet.

As for that profile...Well, the huge thing that stands out, and makes me wonder, is that you come across as really quite nervous about the process. I can see someone talking about all of this, with one hand on his hair, and a sheepish smile on, looking all unsure.

CONFIDENCE. I really cannot stress how important that is. I guarantee that your success rate will shoot up as you seem to care less and less about whether she says yes or not.

If you want, I'll do a profile of the same stuff, but how I'd do it for the most attention.

[Eadin]

Aha! I knew those photos that everyone was raving about couldn't be *that* impressive. So, got a pro to soften the lighting, maybe shoop out a few blemishes, eh? You wouldn't risk posting one of what you actually look like, for fear of criticism, I bet.

Actually, I have posted 2 'natural' pictures of me..One off them is me after a swim, so no make-up or even combed hair.
But no, nothing in my pictures is photoshopped.
I wouldn't do that.The guy is not a pro, it's just a hobby.
I didn't even wear things like concealer and foundation in those pictures.

[term1nally s1ck]

*Shrugs* I don't think I've even seen em, so fairy nuff, you're maybe not as shy as you claim to be

[Eadin]

*Shrugs* I don't think I've even seen em, so fairy nuff, you're maybe not as shy as you claim to be

No pictures of me in a bikini here Just my face

[Syka]

Yeah, find a friend who does some photography stuff. Oz had to get some head shots to attach to a resume (yay film industry...even when you won't be on screen, you still need a head shot!). A guy he works with frequently is a huge camera buff (he even managed to make me photogenic!), and did it for free.


Pretty much all you need is a monotoned background (any color, preferably one that is flattering), some decent lighting (no need for faking it, use what you've got or maybe add a shaded lamp), and have someone go at it. :) A nice camera helps, too.

Heck, even having someone else just take dozens of head shots for you in a normal situation can work. I maybe get 1/30 self shots that look even decent, so quantity helps quality in this situation.

ETA: I have to admit, I lol'ed at the "go die in a fire" bit on OKCupid.

[Erloas]

As for that profile...Well, the huge thing that stands out, and makes me wonder, is that you come across as really quite nervous about the process. I can see someone talking about all of this, with one hand on his hair, and a sheepish smile on, looking all unsure.

CONFIDENCE. I really cannot stress how important that is. I guarantee that your success rate will shoot up as you seem to care less and less about whether she says yes or not.

If you want, I'll do a profile of the same stuff, but how I'd do it for the most attention.

Well I've never been very confident in my writing, writing has been my bane since elementary school. And now the only thing I'm less confident about is talking to women... so not a great combination. I am however very confident in my ability to do just about anything else.

If you want to re-write a few parts, I would appreciate the input. Although I will probably change it some either way before updating the profile, if it doesn't feel like me the way it is writen.


As for pictures, I've got someone that can take some. Generally I just don't have pictures taken unless something is going on, and even then most people I hang out with aren't taking pictures all the time. I think the other 90% of the pictures I have of me are of me holding fish I caught, mostly because thats the only time anyone seems to take pictures when I'm around.

Oh, and reading all of the statistics on the OkCuipid blog posts with trends helps put a lot of things in perspective, at least in terms of the mess that is online dating sites.

[Iruka]

I sure hope I can take criticism...

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/lb-gb

edit: to start, one thing I'm not sure of is listing my income range. Its pretty good (in the 60-70 range), but I don't really think that should be an important factor. Though I don't know if not having anything would come across as good or bad.

I don't think you look bad on this photos, but I agree on the sunglasses. Try to get something similar to the first photo, but without sunglasses.

my recommendations for some of the other stuff:
- give some examples (sports/arts/something related to your job/...) under Really Good At
- Favourite books: put 'I mostly ready fantasy, some sci-fi.' at the beginning, then mention your favourite authors, then the classic stuff and that you usually select your books according to your moods.
- Favourite Movies: again, give some examples
- Favourite Music: give examples of this newer music you like
- Favourite Food: if you're a good cook, mention something you really like to prepare for yourself

From the music section and the comment on the picture with the hat I got a bit the impression that you tend to go "Sure I could change that thing I don't like, but eh ... why bother?" But maybe that's just me

[Coidzor]

No pictures of me in a bikini here Just my face

Haha, and nice dress sense to go with your teasing nature.

[term1nally s1ck]

No pictures of me in a bikini here Just my face

...Why not?

Ok, Your profile, written by an almost overconfident version of you.

Spoiler

Show

My Self-Summary
I'm very easy going and very rarely stressed.
I'm not the sort that seems to talk just to hear themselves talk.
I really don't like going to bars or clubs, partying really isn't my thing. I would rather be in smaller groups of people, where X.
I like a bit of solitude now and again, especially when out camping, I would much rather go out somewhere undeveloped rather then full camp-grounds. I can't stand when people take generators out camping and sit in their camper the whole time and never leave.

I like small towns and I'm glad to be back in Green River, I spent 8 years in Phoenix and I can say without hesitation that big cities are not for me.

I like doing a lot of different activities, but what I actually do mostly depends on who I have to do them with. I like fishing, hiking, camping, boating, and (snow) skiing, though I don't get to do any of them as often as i would like. I like the SCA, but there are no active groups around and not much to do with it without traveling quite a bit (I used to take part all the time when I was in Phoenix, about the only thing I miss from Phoenix). I like gaming, on computers, board games (from the normal MB games to many lesser known games), and wargaming (Battletech and Warhammer, but any more its as much for the painting and modeling as it is for actually playing). Although I am a bit competitive, I do take all of these activities rather casually, not being as obsessed with them as some people get.
I'm open to trying just about any activity, provided it sounds good.

I consider myself as very practical. I don't act rashly and like to know what I'm doing.


What I’m doing with my life
I feel like life in general is going well. I've got a good job and I'm well established.
About the only thing I feel could use some big improvement in my life is the reason you're looking at my profile, obviously.
There are some minor things that annoy me, but nothing that matters.

I’m really good at:
lots of things. I tend to be pretty good at most things I put my mind to.

The first things people usually notice about me:
Pick a more positive thing that jumps out when people meet you here. I don't know you, so find something little, and make a joke about it.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food:
Books would have to be Terry Pratchett. I mostly ready fantasy, some sci-fi. Of the more classic books, well the ones I've read I tend to like but I just don't get around to reading that many of them. Its mostly a matter of remember what books to look for when I'm in a reading mood. A few other authors I like are George RR Martin, and Douglas Adams, and quite a few that I've only read a few books of.

I don't watch many movies or much TV. Most movies seem vaguely interesting, but hardly worth the ever increasing cost. There are quite a few I like, but none that I would like to watch over and over again. I enjoy the older comedies the most, back when comedy was not as crude and stupid as so many seem to be any more. I don't like horror, and the blockbusters are pretty good so long as you don't think about them too much.

Music... I mostly listen to classic rock. I've found some newer music I like, but I'm never actively looking for it, so I'm sure there are whole genres that I would like that I just haven't bothered to find yet. Favorites are Rush, Jethro Tull, Pink Floyd, Meatloaf, and Flogging Molly.

The six things I could never do without
Make a joke here. It's asking for a confident, taking the mick joke. Go for 5 really really common answers, and the 6th: 'A list of 5 cliche'd answers to stupid questions', or the like.

I spend a lot of time thinking about
Again, make a joke.

On a typical Friday night I am
Relaxing at home. Way more fun for me to just chill out at the end of a week, than to throw myself into somewhere even more busy and crowded like so many do.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
That in high school and college I weighed about 40-45 lbs more then I do now.

I’m looking for

* Girls who like guys
* Ages 24-36
* Near me
* Who are single
* For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating

Your profile wasn't actually that bad, it was just 5-6 areas that stood out.

[skywalker]

I'd like to point out, just for the record: I have no problem with the distance, except that due to us being both being poor, we wont see each other much (every weekend IF we're lucky). The only thing I'm caught up on is the idea that she could be going out with other dudes too. I have jealousy and paranoia issues. The good news is that the distance will probably help. She's not gonna bring it up or anything if she is, so I probably won't find out, and since I ALWAYS worry that a girl is doing that when I'm not around, it won't be any different than normal. The only bad part is if I KNOW it is happening. But I'm gonna give it a try and see what happens.

See, for me, I always preferred to know. Knowledge is power, my friend, and I can tell you from exploring my own (and others', to a lesser extent) jealousy and paranoia issues that it's frequently about control. (Note that knowledge is not actually power, it just seems that way. Knowing something does not give you control over it.)

I'd advise against it, mainly because I'd advise myself against it. Maybe you're not as bad as I am/can be, but jealousy can get really effed up really quickly.

Also, I know what you mean about dating and kissing and being a whore and all that. In fact, had a conversation with a friend last night about how she had "been a whore" for a few weeks. I explained to her that the activities she described were not "being a whore," nor even what most would term "promiscuous." But perhaps it's a "Southern Thing?"

Are funny relationship stories acceptable for this thread? If so I have a highly amusing tale. It's about my ex-fiance and her new love, and what happened after I discovered the two together. I promise you, I had absolutely nothing to do with what took place after the breakup, I have an alibi and witnesses to prove it. I also use this tale as my proof that fate exists, or karma, or both.

Acceptable for this thread? Or no? I mean, if you have relationship woes, everyone needs a laugh right?

Do tell! Do tell!

Go right ahead! We looked at and constructively critiqued a profile last thread. (Receiving constructive critique is another skill altogether. Can you handle that?)

I didn't think the last profile was particularly bad at taking criticism... Mainly just a failure to communicate.

I sure hope I can take criticism...

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/lb-gb

edit: to start, one thing I'm not sure of is listing my income range. Its pretty good (in the 60-70 range), but I don't really think that should be an important factor. Though I don't know if not having anything would come across as good or bad.

I personally would tell people to go to hell about the money. I understand that it can say a lot of things about a person and be a good way to sort people out online (whereas IRL you generally meet people of your own socioeconomic group because you go to the same types of places), but it's none of their business. Again, maybe a "Southern Thing?"

Allow me to quote from OkTrends, OkCupid's analysis blog of it's own data:The little chart is interesting, too.

I love that stuff. You can make all the conjectures you want, but numbers don't lie, baby.

[ForzaFiori]

Also, I know what you mean about dating and kissing and being a whore and all that. In fact, had a conversation with a friend last night about how she had "been a whore" for a few weeks. I explained to her that the activities she described were not "being a whore," nor even what most would term "promiscuous." But perhaps it's a "Southern Thing?"

Well, we are considered old fashioned and backwards. (not 1700s old fashioned, but like 1950s old fashioned, for those of you who mentioned courting earlier.)

Personally I like it better the way it is down here. Sure, you may not have as many relationships, but the ones you have REALLY matter, and you tend to not make as many stupid decisions relationship wise because you typically know the person your dating long before hand, and because it is such a HUGE thing that it isn't taken as lightly as other places.

[Karoht]

Okay, as I have the go ahead from a few people in the thread, I shall tell my tale. A sorrid tale of revenge and vomit.

At the time I was in a relationship with a girl named Chelsea. When I went on a trip with my grandparents to mexico, I came back to find her in the arms of our mutual friend Peter, AKA the Hobbit. Seriously, picture a person who is exactly 5 feet tall, and has every physical characteristic of a Hobbit, and you have Peter. So, I was pretty bummed out. And I sadly still had to live under the same roof as Chelsea, to which Peter soon started living there as well. Yay. So about 6 months go by. I go out to work one night (I was working security night shifts at the time), and my friend from work show up shortly after I started my shift. With enough liquor to run a bar for a week.
See, they were urging me to pull some kind of revenge prank, and I flat out refused...
Well, everyone in the house gets rip roaringly drunk. The Hobbit most of all. And after a series of hyjinx which nearly lands everyone in jail for the night, Peter and a few of the more energetic people decided to play some video games and listen to loud music. At about 11pm. Chelsea by this point is trying to sleep and is constantly being woken up. She gets mad, yells at Peter, and goes back downstairs to bed. And this is where it gets funny.
So Peter comes down the stairs, probably by 1am. The guys have all left, except Ripley, who is passed out on the living room floor. And Peter starts apologizing profusely to Chelsea for making noise. At which point, he vomits. Point blank. Projectile vomit, like that scene in 'The Exorcist.' And it goes EVERYWHERE. Its all over the bed, the bedding, the floor, the walls, the roof even, and all over her. Well she drags him upstairs to the roomates bathroom (I had my own bathroom in my bedroom, as luck would have it), and proceeds to start cleaning up. When she's done cleaning up and washing all the bedding, she goes upstairs and finds that the roomates bathroom is now a disaster (made extra bad by the fact that they never ever cleaned it), so she starts cleaning up his mess in the bathroom after dragging him downstairs. She goes back downstairs at about 3am, having to be at work by 8am. And Peter, realizing the trouble he's caused, starts apologizing profusely again. Man, I don't want that kid to every apologize to me. Because he vomits. Again. Everywhere. Again. The roof, the floor, the bed and bedding, everywhere. So, she at this point sticks him in my bathroom, and starts cleaning up.
About 6am, I come home. There she is, standing in her pajamas which still have vomit on them, crying her eyes out, with a heavy duty hangover to boot. She tells me the whole story, and then begs me for a ride to work so she'll have enough time for a 1 hour nap. I avoid laughing outloud, and say, sure why not. At the time I did it to maintain some sense of superiority, though the notion of just desserts was not lost upon me. Karma had done it's work, I wasn't going to mess with it further.
So, she has a nap, I discover Peter unconscious in my bathtub and wake him up by turning on the cold shower. He proceeds to tell me the story and remark about the terrible pain he's in. And I'm fighting tooth and nail not laugh about all this.
So I take her to work, and she decides to treat me to lunch later. I say sure thing, much as I disliked the person we were still rather civil to one another and I'm not the type to pass up free food. So I swing by to pick her up after work and it is pouring of rain. Well there is this girl at the bus stop right there at the exit. Chelsea mentions that she knows this person. I offer her a ride to a train station, as it's on our way and would likely put her closer to home, and not standing out in the rain. She hops in the car. Chelsea mentions who I am (her ex) and that we're headed to go grab some food, so I offer for the girl to come with. Her name is Lisa.
Not only did my making eyes at Lisa make Chelsea jealous, but hey, new girlfriend. Woot, I think.

Had any one of those events taken place differently, we likely wouldn't have met. If it hadn't been raining I wouldn't have likely noticed her standing at the bus stop. If Peter hadn't got crazy drunk, I would have had no reason to give Chelsea a ride to work, and in turn, she would have had no reason to treat me to lunch, so I wouldn't have even driven past that bus stop that day. All of the events which took place were entirely unrelated to one another, and yet entirely connected to the existances of our relationship.

I proposed last year in May. I believe that fate just might be a real force. Or Karma. Or something. Most couples have cute stories of how they met in the park or at the fair or in the library or something romantic.
We have our story: We met over revenge and vomit.

[Comet]

*snip*

Just popping by to say that this bit of text you posted is full of magic and awesome. It's an excellent word we live in, isn't it?

[Pyrian]

Karoht: That's awesome.

...we are...

While Tennessee and South Carolina are both considered Southern states, they're not really all that similar. For instance, on the subject of "getting the right one", South Carolina is a bit under the national divorce rate (possibly supportive data) while Tennessee is rather a lot over that rate (clearly distinct).

[Keld Denar]

That was hillarious.

So, I'm kinda in a rough spot. A short bit ago, I went on a couple of REALLY amazing dates with this girl, call her V. I posted about it. Even yesterday, I helped her move, lots of heavy lifting and all that. This girl is totally amazing, and I really want things to go well. Shes really hard to read though. I mean, when I reach for her hand, she holds mine, and when I lean in for a quick peck, she kisses me, but she never reaches for my hand and never leans in for to kiss me. I'm ok with things moving rather slow, its refreshing to bank the excitement, but I'm kinda worried that maybe she's been having doubts the last couple days but doesn't know how to address it, especially since I put in a lot of really hard work helping to moving her furniture. Our next scheduled "date" is a group hike on Sunday, but I offered to buy her dinner on the weekend if she needed a break from unpacking. She said "we'll see".

Should I be concerned? I can't help but have doubts atm. Like this girl is awesome, and I'd hate to see her slip away so easy, but I don't want come across as too "into" her after knowing her for 2 weeks, and possibly scare her away. What should I do?

[Superglucose]

You should chill. Getting worked up won't help anything. Then maybe talk to her about it.

[Castaras]

Tbh, it just sounds like she's nervous. Not sure of the details of this relationship tough, haven't been keeping tabs, so can't comment any more.

[Keld Denar]

We haven't really had any time to sit down and talk since our second date last Wednesday. I've seen her twice since then, but there has always been a ton of people around. Sunday won't be any better unless we separate ourselves a bit from the group during the hike. I just want to know what she's thinking!!!!! GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Pyrian]

Dude, CHILL. You've had a couple dates. Give it some time, and most definitely do not start an interrogation process at this point.

I don't know how she's feeling about you right now (although I'd hazard a guess that she's unsure herself, which is perfectly natural at this stage), but if you show her the side of yourself you're showing us right now, you'll probably scare her off.

[Eadin]

We haven't really had any time to sit down and talk since our second date last Wednesday. I've seen her twice since then, but there has always been a ton of people around. Sunday won't be any better unless we separate ourselves a bit from the group during the hike. I just want to know what she's thinking!!!!! GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What she is thinking : this guy is awesome but maybe we are going too fast and he'll get bored of me easily
Something like that
Also: glucose gave me that advice too
He might be right

[Superglucose]

Relaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaax man. Grab a couple of brews and head to the backyard and catch some rays. Oh wait, you're in seattle... there's no such thing as sun

But seriously, just go with the flow for now. Soon enough you'll find out if anything is up, and if it gets to the breaking point, even something as simple as, "Hey, are you ok? I'm getting this weird vibe that something's up" and her response of "No, why do you say that?" can make it all go away.

*tosses Keld some sunshine*

[Keld Denar]

Gah, I guess you guys are right. Excuse me, I'm gonna go play some DotA and then go to the gym to blow off some frustration...

Then maybe finish judging the IronOp challenge...

[snoopy13a]

edit: to start, one thing I'm not sure of is listing my income range. Its pretty good (in the 60-70 range), but I don't really think that should be an important factor. Though I don't know if not having anything would come across as good or bad.

Definitely put down your income as it will help. Now if you were making in the 10-15 range, I'd say no

Think of it like a resume. You want to put everything good about you in the ad so you get an interview (I mean first date )

I'd also cut down on the "geeky" references. They would only appeal to geeky women and you want to cast your net wider as there are plenty of nice women out there who aren't geeks. You don't want to show too much interest in one area because then you don't seem like a good fit for those who don't have the same interest.

A couple doesn't have to have every interest in common. For example, there are tons of sports loving men whose significant others hate sports. That's why men don't normally talk about baseball on first dates . Think of geeky interests the same way. Like sports, they tend to be a majority male interest and broadcasting too much initial interest in it can be a turnoff. Instead, you want to initially focus on potential mutual interests. Once you've dated for awhile, then you can either try to convert her to becoming a geek or simply having boys nights out when you can do geeky stuff and she can hang out with her friends (I'm sure that most women would prefer their significant others to have a geeky hobby then the generic go the bar and binge drink boys night out )

[Serpentine]

*Shrugs* I don't think I've even seen em, so fairy nuff, you're maybe not as shy as you claim to be

Aha, it spreads

[Syka]

Karoht, that's hilarious. I have an almost as awesome story about the night Oz and I first met (involved an apartment, a midnight adult store trip, locking keys in the car, and some homosexual innuendos during Scary Movie 4). Gotta love how life sometimes really DOES work out in your favor.


Keld, chill man. As the others have said- it's probably nerves. You should have seen me when I was first dating the Not-Really-An-Ex. Particularly if she's not used to the 'typical' date progression. It's much more intimidating than the 'evolution' path of a relationship, I've found. Not too mention- she could be shy!

It took me forever to get the courage up to kiss Not-Really-An-Ex without his initiation. Shyness, and previous relationships, can all impact ones willingness to initiate or not.

[Odentin]

Keld, relax. At the moment, you run the risk of pushing too hard. Just go with the flow and let things develop naturally.

Karoht, dude, that's frackin' hilarious.

[Keld Denar]

Not-Really-An-Ex

Eeepssee. Thats not a good sign if you are refering to him as that...

I just won 2 games of DotA and I'm off to the gym to run. I feel better. Still nervous, but better. I think I'll drop her a text tomorrow night after work to see how the packing is going, but otherwise attempt to remain aloof till the weekend.

<3 y'all!