Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title

[Serpentine]

In a one-on-one discussion with her best friend
Maybe it never comes up, I don't know. Maybe her not mentioning that you're together is a concern; again, I don't know, and it requires too much context to guess. But no, I don't particularly think it's especially right to get pissed off at her for a private - or at least intimate - discussion she had with a friend 6 months before you went out.

[Coidzor]

But no, I don't particularly think it's especially right to get pissed off at her for a private - or at least intimate - discussion she had with a friend 6 months before you went out.

If it was actually private, there'd be more concerns raised about how he got ahold of it in the first place anyway.

Maybe it never comes up, I don't know. Maybe her not mentioning that you're together is a concern; again, I don't know, and it requires too much context to guess.

Not even getting acknowledgement that the relationship started in the first place though, I can see that as a definite sign of concern from the getgo. Hell, facebook official is one of the relationship benchmarks in this day and age.

But, whether this was hyperbole definitely depends upon context.

[Kensen]

It was a public discussion, and as such, anyone they knew could have participated in it, and all their friends could see it (unless they had specifically blocked their updates). Finding the discussion later was just bad luck on the guy's part.

But anyway, thanks for the replies.

[Serpentine]

Nonetheless, it was a single conversation.
As I said: maybe that person is right to be annoyed at her for not bringing up the relationship, or maybe not - again, it depends on too much context, not least the matter of whether it'd actually be relevant to any conversations that happen to arise. But I don't think that annoyance should be linked to something that happened once, more than 6 months ago.

[Coidzor]

Nonetheless, it was a single conversation.
As I said: maybe that person is right to be annoyed at her for not bringing up the relationship, or maybe not - again, it depends on too much context, not least the matter of whether it'd actually be relevant to any conversations that happen to arise. But I don't think that annoyance should be linked to something that happened once, more than 6 months ago.

Definitely not something to lose one's head over, but if one were already feeling insecure in one's position, I can definitely see how it would be an additional stress to see her talking about a fling that didn't amount to anything freely and openly in many contexts where one would feel that one was not mentioned or relevant at all.

[Kensen]

Well, I do think past behavior is relevant, especially when there's a huge difference between the guys, quality-wise, but yeah, probably it should matter more what she's like now than what she was like before.

[Kensen]

<snip>talking about a fling that didn't amount to anything freely and openly in many contexts where one would feel that one was not mentioned or relevant at all.

This is pretty much what I'm thinking. Thanks for understanding.

[Coidzor]

This is pretty much what I'm thinking. Thanks for understanding.

In that case then, the real issue is the initial feeling of insecurity in the first place. As jarring and annoying as such a discovery might be, it wouldn't be an issue without something deeper that it resonated with.

Letting anger color further investigation or working towards a resolution is probably just going to lead to further stress and frustration.

[Keld Denar]

Well, I do think past behavior is relevant, especially when there's a huge difference between the guys, quality-wise, but yeah, probably it should matter more what she's like now than what she was like before.

Dude, you kinda have this air of contempt about you with this. "I'm so much better than him. She was gushing about him 6 months ago. How come she never gushes about me to her friends?"

Thats...poisonous. Its that "nice guy effect" we were talking about just 2ish pages ago. You have a sense of entitlement because you see yourself as a "nice guy". That is making you be a jerk, no better than the guy you are disparaging. Don't be that guy.

Guess what? You got the girl. You "won". Get over it. Let this carp all go, or you will resent him, resent her, resent yourself, and you will sabatage the heck out of this relationship. It will simply consume you. I'd recommend you talk about this. Talk to her (in a VERY VERY VERY non-confrontational way, did I mention VERY?), or talk to a therapist THEN talk to her. You have some insecurity and anger issues that need to be dealt with or you won't be able to grow and love her selflessly.

EDIT: VV Great minds think alike, eh Serpie?

[Serpentine]

The point was entirely that the hypothetical girl publicly discussed this loser in a disgustingly favorable tone, but she never mentions the guy who treats her well.

Well, I do think past behavior is relevant, especially when there's a huge difference between the guys, quality-wise, but yeah, probably it should matter more what she's like now than what she was like before.

I hate to say it, but this sort of talk is really reminding me of something that came up a few pages ago:

Another big [sign of a "nice guy"] is a sense of entitlement -- I am "nice" to you, therefore you owe me romance/affection/sex/etc. In other words, they're not truly nice, they're selfish and manipulative.

Yes, depending on all the relevant context, it might be reasonable to be a bit hurt at the lack of online mentions of your relationship - but I don't talk about my relationship in statuses and stuff all that much either. Yes, it may be understandable that finding such a gushy discussion about someone else could be upsetting, even if it was way before you got together.
But the supposed relative quality of the two people? Absolutely irrelevant. There's plenty of other reasons why that shouldn't be brought into the equation at all, but the most obvious reason is this: presumably, when she had that conversation, she didn't know he was a bastard. You're talking like she's gushing over some guy she caught kicking puppies. No, she was gushing over a guy that, I dunno, was nice to her or was good-looking or otherwise desirable. What you consider his jerkiness, presumably, came much later.

edit: Heh. Glad I'm not the only one who was reminded of it...

[Pheehelm]

Actually, you know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking she was gushing about this guy who turned out to be thoroughly un-gush-worthy, and that was somewhat humiliating, so maybe now as a result of that she's gush-shy about her new boy. Once bitten, twice shy, ya know?

[Steward]

Actually, you know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking she was gushing about this guy who turned out to be thoroughly un-gush-worthy, and that was somewhat humiliating, so maybe now as a result of that she's gush-shy about her new boy. Once bitten, twice shy, ya know?

That's weird. Are you suggesting that people change in part because of past life experiences? That's really interesting; do you have any pamphlets I could check out on your theory?

No seriously, I think this is probably the best explanation, especially if this guy turned out to be a real jerk.

[Vella_Malachite]

Hey guys. Just calling in for a question.

People who've been hanging around the thread for a little while might remember my 'saga' earlier this year. For those who don't, I met a guy, he turned out not to be what I was looking for, we broke up and although I felt like excrement for a long time, I think I'm finally getting over it.

Now, I'd like to start looking for someone else, but maybe this time I know what I'm looking for. Can I have some Playground Tried and Tested advice for a new seeker who's a bit shy but wants to try and be a little more proactive?

If that's not enough info, I can provide more, but I don't know what would help most...

Thanks again, you guys are awesome.

[Sholos]

So, girl walks into classroom. Asks where I'm sitting. After I reply, says, "Well I know where I'm sitting, then." Proceeds to grab the chair next to mine. Innocent gesture of friendship or subtle hint of something more?

[Ursus the Grim]

So, girl walks into classroom. Asks where I'm sitting. After I reply, says, "Well I know where I'm sitting, then." Proceeds to grab the chair next to mine. Innocent gesture of friendship or subtle hint of something more?

I wouldn't look too much into it. I would take it as Friendship, and see if it grows from there. First day of classes will make people bond with vague acquaintances if they feel awkward enough with a room full of strangers.

[Vella_Malachite]

So, girl walks into classroom. Asks where I'm sitting. After I reply, says, "Well I know where I'm sitting, then." Proceeds to grab the chair next to mine. Innocent gesture of friendship or subtle hint of something more?

Sounds like it might be something more to me, but then, if you're not sure, there's always the fun way to find out Maybe have a talk to her, keep it friendly, but if you get any more signals and you guys hit it off, have a go.

[H Birchgrove]

I have an OkCupid account* since this summer (found it through one of the Fantasy RPG character quizzes that were linked at the Media forum ), and I'm eager to make contact with some (female) members who lives near me...

... if only I knew what to write. Does a simple "Hello! Would you like to meet/date?" work just fine, or would that be crude? Should I address some possible difficulties we could have in an hypothetical relationship? (For example, if she states she will not be interested in sex in her profile, should I say I respect that and/or that I am will to wait? Pretending that I'm not interested in sex seems dishonest - and will probably frustrate me.)

I was previously at some other dating sites during the spring this year but I deleted my accounts there because I wasn't sure whether other members were bots or real. Also, the websites wanted to be paid to be really helpful anyway.

* If anybody is interested to see my profile, to to give advice on how I could improve it or something, then my user name is almost the same as mine over here: H_Birchgrove (I recently made some modifications after the discussions here. I hope I didn't go into Too Much Information area...)

Well, one of my best friends decided to go after women after a disappointing string of relationships with men, and I myself was straight as an arrow in High School and College, so I'd say "yes".

I see, thanks. At the very least I won't need to re-examine the history of my life.

[Coidzor]

So, girl walks into classroom. Asks where I'm sitting. After I reply, says, "Well I know where I'm sitting, then." Proceeds to grab the chair next to mine. Innocent gesture of friendship or subtle hint of something more?

You must contruct additional pylonscontext!

[Lissou]

I have an OkCupid account [...]... if only I knew what to write.

Avoid empty messages (just "hi there") that wouldn't be individual enough (females tend to get lots of messages on these websites so yours needs to stand out). Don't be all negative ("I know you probably won't be interested, but..."; "We live very far away, but...") and try and make the message personal so she never has the feeling that it's a message you send to everyone.

For instance, you could send a message along the lines of "Hey, how are you doing? [personal detail about her from her profile]. [Personal detail about you]. Hope I'll get to know you better." were the personal detail about her could be something like "I see you have a guitar in your pic, how long have you been playing?" or "You say you're a Dr Who fan, who's you're favourite doctor?" and yours is a reaction to it ("I play.../don't play any instrument but would be interested in..."; "My favourite Doctor is/my favourite show is...")

Keep it relatively short so she doesn't feel exhausted just reading through it, make sure to have a friendly question so there is something to respond to, and say enough about yourself that she'll be able to ask question back to you, but not enough that there is nothing left for her to ask.

Make sure to be polite, and only respond if you feel you fit the profile. So if someone says "I don't want any sex" and you do, then I would say don't write at all.
Good luck :)

[Sholos]

You must contruct additional pylonscontext!

I've actually known her for a couple years (through a mutual club), just recently starting talking with her more over the summer. This happened on the second day of the class, actually, and she's definitely not the shy type. Very definitely. Introverted, yes, but not shy.

[Serpentine]

Birchgrove: Start a conversation. That's basically it. Don't come on to her, don't start discussing relationship stuff. Just start a conversation - ask her, for example, for more information on something on her profile.

[term1nally s1ck]

So, girl walks into classroom. Asks where I'm sitting. After I reply, says, "Well I know where I'm sitting, then." Proceeds to grab the chair next to mine. Innocent gesture of friendship or subtle hint of something more?

That's a 'You're cool and I want to hang out with you more'. If you play it well, and keep up any banter or tension there is between you, you might find that it develops into something more. Right now, if you ask her out, it will feel like you are moving things WAY too fast.

[Keld Denar]

Can I have some Playground Tried and Tested advice for a new seeker who's a bit shy but wants to try and be a little more proactive?

You are a girl, correct? (thats what the gender symbol says, but it IS the internet)

I know a lot of girls have this idea that they want to be "pursued". Thats fine, but often you have to make initial contact. Guys can't pursue you if they don't know you exist. Especially in America (your location field is blank), guys anymore tend to be nervous about approaching a lady. They don't want to appear to forward or despirate, and thus tend to err on the otherside out of caution. Thus, don't feel afraid to intitiate contact with a guy you think you might be interested in. If he's interested, you can give him your contact info and he can then take over the persuit.

I don't know much about you or your preferences and tastes, but I'd suggest you go somewhere public and just scope out guys. Parks, museums, bars, whatever. You can't meet someone in your home (well, I guess you can with internet dating). Try joining a social group like meetup.com, you'll meet lots of guys there. I'm in a similar group called Events and Adventures, and I meet like, 20 new people each week, which is awesome. Granted, I have a girlfriend now, but its always nice to network (oh, and I met my GF through the group).

So yea...get out there and don't be too shy. Guys love it when girls approach them. If you really want something, sometimes you have to reach out and grab it (which also works, by the way).

[H Birchgrove]

Avoid empty messages (just "hi there") that wouldn't be individual enough (females tend to get lots of messages on these websites so yours needs to stand out). Don't be all negative ("I know you probably won't be interested, but..."; "We live very far away, but...") and try and make the message personal so she never has the feeling that it's a message you send to everyone.

For instance, you could send a message along the lines of "Hey, how are you doing? [personal detail about her from her profile]. [Personal detail about you]. Hope I'll get to know you better." were the personal detail about her could be something like "I see you have a guitar in your pic, how long have you been playing?" or "You say you're a Dr Who fan, who's you're favourite doctor?" and yours is a reaction to it ("I play.../don't play any instrument but would be interested in..."; "My favourite Doctor is/my favourite show is...")

Keep it relatively short so she doesn't feel exhausted just reading through it, make sure to have a friendly question so there is something to respond to, and say enough about yourself that she'll be able to ask question back to you, but not enough that there is nothing left for her to ask.

Make sure to be polite, and only respond if you feel you fit the profile. So if someone says "I don't want any sex" and you do, then I would say don't write at all.
Good luck :)

Birchgrove: Start a conversation. That's basically it. Don't come on to her, don't start discussing relationship stuff. Just start a conversation - ask her, for example, for more information on something on her profile.

Thousand thanks!

[Sholos]

That's a 'You're cool and I want to hang out with you more'. If you play it well, and keep up any banter or tension there is between you, you might find that it develops into something more. Right now, if you ask her out, it will feel like you are moving things WAY too fast.

Suggestions for doing that? I'm not really good with the whole tension-building thing, or much else, for that matter when it comes to this area.

[Pheehelm]

Now, I'd like to start looking for someone else, but maybe this time I know what I'm looking for. Can I have some Playground Tried and Tested advice for a new seeker who's a bit shy but wants to try and be a little more proactive?

Where is Pyrian when someone needs the "make eye contact briefly, look away and turn red" school of flirting?

[term1nally s1ck]

Suggestions for doing that? I'm not really good with the whole tension-building thing, or much else, for that matter when it comes to this area.

Just tease, banter, and act like you know she's into you, but you're still making your mind up. Even if you aren't. Tease her a lil about liking you, toss out very obvious smirks and knowing grins when she does anything that could possibly mean she's interested.

[Vella_Malachite]

@Keld,

Yes, I am a girl. And I'm in Australia, for future reference. I'm fine with being pursued, but I must say I don't have a whole lot of patience with eternal hard-to-get games.

I like the idea of going to a social group. I have no clue if Australia does things like meetup.com, but I'm at a university, I could join a club or society (in my spare time...now, therein lies the problem ).

Thanks for the advice!

@Pheehelm,

That sounds ... interesting.

[Sholos]

Just tease, banter, and act like you know she's into you, but you're still making your mind up. Even if you aren't. Tease her a lil about liking you, toss out very obvious smirks and knowing grins when she does anything that could possibly mean she's interested.

Okay, what kinds of things are those? I am blind, oblivious, and ignorant of most things. Also, what constitutes teasing? How do you work that into a conversation? I am flying blind here. I have nothing to base any of this behavior on, and more-than-friend behavior doesn't come naturally to me.

[term1nally s1ck]

Anything that might at all ever signal it. Touching your arm. Looking at you too long. Hanging around you a lot. Batting her eyelashes at you.

Doesn't matter if she's actually doing it in any significant way, or even if it was obviously not cos of that. It's almost better if both of you know it wasn't anything like that, and you still tease her.

'Ohhhhh, you *like* me, I get it...'