Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title

[AtlanteanTroll]

Wait, do all cute geeky girls come with a free EMP cannon?

Only if you've been a bad boy.

[arguskos]

Only if you've been a bad boy.

Bad? Nah man, that's a winner in my book. EMP me baby, one more time. it hurts me to write that

[Coidzor]

Kinky.

Hmm, speaking of kinky, I've developed some kind of not entirely sexual affection for a female friend that doesn't feel like ordinary baseline friendship.

Kind of weird, then again, I'm hoping it was just gas. Is there a feeling like that? Or perhaps some sort of undesirable protective instinct that would account for it?

I don't think it's close friendship, considering the nature of our relationship, but I haven't had a close female friend since things went south with my former highschool sweetheart, so I'm a little bit unfamiliar with feeling close to a woman.

[Mutant Sheep]

Kinky.

Hmm, speaking of kinky, I've developed some kind of not entirely sexual affection for a female friend that doesn't feel like ordinary baseline friendship.

Kind of weird, then again, I'm hoping it was just gas. Is there a feeling like that? Or perhaps some sort of undesirable protective instinct that would account for it?

I don't think it's close friendship, considering the nature of our relationship, but I haven't had a close female friend since things went south with my former highschool sweetheart, so I'm a little bit unfamiliar with feeling close to a woman.

This is where somebody puts in a joke about "friends with benifits", right?

On a more serious note, being close friends with woman is a strange and delicate topic best left to people not in high school. (How long have the feelings been around? Really my only good advice is to just become closer friends with her and be totally awesome. (You've been doing great on that second part, incidentally.))

[Coidzor]

This is where somebody puts in a joke about "friends with benifits", right?

On a more serious note, being close friends with woman is a strange and delicate topic best left to people not in high school.

Well, funnily enough, the last time I was really close friends with a gal that I wasn't romantically involved with was in High School.

(How long have the feelings been around? Really my only good advice is to just become closer friends with her and be totally awesome. (You've been doing great on that second part, incidentally.))

Totally awesome? Haha, thanks. That's made my night. Gonna put that feather in mah cap.

I guess we'll have to see.

[Eadin]

more rant

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So a while ago I ranted about this guy I'm dating.
We're still dating, I think, but I haven't heard from him in five days.. He doesn't reply to texts or on msn, and I'm not sure what to do. Our last conversation was about cuddling and things like that so I really can't seem to find a reason why he would ignore me. He's very active on facebook so it's not that he doesn't have access to a computer or no time. Just don't know what to do, thinking about calling him but I don't really dare to...

end of rant

[Trekkin]

While rants are being ranted, I have a rant to rant. Rant.

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I have a really good friend who has, of late, been acting in a bizarre and annoying manner. He's basically seeking out arguments wherever he can find them for the purposes of winning arguments.

For example, the other day I was showing some friends Eclipse Phase, and I mentioned in passing how the focus on humanity and what it could be distilled into kind of reminded me of events in (Friend)'s campaign. He happened to be within earshot, and promptly launched into a lecture about how that wasn't at all what his campaign was about, how he meant something entirely different, and above all how "man did (I) appraise that wrong". The same thing happened when I was describing a third person's player in my own campaign (in which he plays), and in a thousand other non-RPG related things. If you mention a fact in this guy's presence that somehow involves him, he will rally all available evidence to disprove it, despite having taken the opposite position yesterday, and he never backs down. This occurs with many times the vehemence if I or anyone else dares to suggest that either he or one of his characters is anything short of omnipotent. I don't mean singling him out, either: I once commented that getting through a week without sleep and then taking tests would hit anyone hard, and the first words out of his mouth were "well, I could do it; I don't know about you guys, but...".

Obviously, this rather irks me, especially since it's made me reticent to talk in his presence, but it also intrigues me. I'm wondering if this sort of thing is normal and I'm just overreacting to it, if it's caused by something I'm doing, etc. He's always liked debating, and I've always loved debating with him, but the constant albeit eloquent contentions are getting old.

[The Succubus]

While rants are being ranted, I have a rant to rant. Rant.

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I have a really good friend who has, of late, been acting in a bizarre and annoying manner. He's basically seeking out arguments wherever he can find them for the purposes of winning arguments.

For example, the other day I was showing some friends Eclipse Phase, and I mentioned in passing how the focus on humanity and what it could be distilled into kind of reminded me of events in (Friend)'s campaign. He happened to be within earshot, and promptly launched into a lecture about how that wasn't at all what his campaign was about, how he meant something entirely different, and above all how "man did (I) appraise that wrong". The same thing happened when I was describing a third person's player in my own campaign (in which he plays), and in a thousand other non-RPG related things. If you mention a fact in this guy's presence that somehow involves him, he will rally all available evidence to disprove it, despite having taken the opposite position yesterday, and he never backs down. This occurs with many times the vehemence if I or anyone else dares to suggest that either he or one of his characters is anything short of omnipotent. I don't mean singling him out, either: I once commented that getting through a week without sleep and then taking tests would hit anyone hard, and the first words out of his mouth were "well, I could do it; I don't know about you guys, but...".

Obviously, this rather irks me, especially since it's made me reticent to talk in his presence, but it also intrigues me. I'm wondering if this sort of thing is normal and I'm just overreacting to it, if it's caused by something I'm doing, etc. He's always liked debating, and I've always loved debating with him, but the constant albeit eloquent contentions are getting old.

Eh, I have a friend like that. I love the guy to bits, known him for about 25 years (which is pretty impressive considering I'm 30), means the world to me....

....but try to make an argument with him on a subject and he will refuse to back down or be proved wrong. I think it's some sort of personality flaw. I shouldn't stress about it, Life will grant him plenty of opportunities to experience what's like to be wrong.

[Castaras]

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He's very active on facebook so it's not that he doesn't have access to a computer or no time. Just don't know what to do, thinking about calling him but I don't really dare to...

Warning bells ringing at the bolded. If you're worried about trying to talk to him, then that's probably a bad sign - relationships have their foundations in actually being able to talk to each other, after all.

[Eadin]

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Warning bells ringing at the bolded. If you're worried about trying to talk to him, then that's probably a bad sign - relationships have their foundations in actually being able to talk to each other, after all.

I know, I just don't want to push him away by being too clingy

[Sholos]

@Eadin

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How much do you initiate with him on a normal basis? All I can say is that I wish I had more experience with girls (well, people, really, but for the purposes of this topic...) that actually contacted me on a frequent basis. I know that I sometimes get tired of being the only one to reach out and have stopped talking to people for a while because of it (unless I happen to run into them). Just an idea; I have no clue if it pertains to your situation.

[Eadin]

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I'm usually the one to reach out on msn, equal in texting and calling.

[Ancano]

The XKCD comics made me cry. People are so insensitive about permavirgin nerds.

[Moonshadow]

My brother seems the best way to coerce me into buying a present with him for my parents is to call me a retard, because I asked my parents what they want because I'm fairly strapped for cash this Christmas season and my mother told him so he decided to yell at me.

I'm already depressed and pissed off at people enough and I don't need this, so I'm 90% going to tell him to go **** himself and arrange the present from where he lives (which happens to be a different state, but I don't care, I don't appreciate that kinda crap from anyone, least of all family )

[H Birchgrove]

The XKCD comics made me cry. People are so insensitive about permavirgin nerds.

Just because I'm miserable, doesn't give me the right to be miserable to others.

(Except those who deserve to be miserable...)

[Nix Nihila]

My brother seems the best way to coerce me into buying a present with him for my parents is to call me a retard, because I asked my parents what they want because I'm fairly strapped for cash this Christmas season and my mother told him so he decided to yell at me.

I'm already depressed and pissed off at people enough and I don't need this, so I'm 90% going to tell him to go **** himself and arrange the present from where he lives (which happens to be a different state, but I don't care, I don't appreciate that kinda crap from anyone, least of all family )

*offers hugs*

I'm sorry to hear that. I think it's rather strange for someone to be upset over being asked what they want for Christmas. In any case, even if they prefer gifts to be a surprise, yelling is not an appropriate answer.

[Heliomance]

We're ranting? I think I'll join in.

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So, the girl that I like, A, has given me a very definite "I really like you, but not in a romantic way. Let's be great friends, kay?"
I'm actually fine with this. She's an awesome girl, and I'm happy to just be friends with her. I'm holding out hope that it'll change someday, but meanwhile I'm happy to get on with my life, and if I meet someone else I'm not going to turn them down because I'm waiting for A or anything.

Unfortunately, she's got with someone else, we'll call him E. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think that what I'm feeling is jealousy. I simply don't think he deserves her. He's already got a girlfriend, though admittedly it is an open relationship, so that's all above board (although personal reservations about polyamory don't help in the slightest).

E is a charmer. He's very charismatic in a calculating sort of way, the master of the first impression. When I first met him, I thought he was amazing, a fantastic person. Then I lived with him for a year.
I shared a house with him and his then-fiancee K. And I watched them go through an explosive breakup, which thoroughly showed off the worst sides of both of them. Being in that house was decidedly not fun for a month or so, and I would regularly get cornered by either E or K and made to listen to rants about how awful the other one was, while I desperately tried to not take sides. And I saw through the charm.

E is still a friend, but he's a decidedly less good friend than before I lived with him. Now the shine's worn off, I can see that underneath he's somewhat slimy and manipulative. I remember how I felt about him before, and so I know the side of him that A is seeing, but I know that's just an image.

If E and A end up happy and in a long term relationship, I'm pretty sure I'd be very happy for them. But I don't see that happening. And when it does end, I can't help but think that it's going to be messy, especially as E's original girlfriend is apparently struggling with jealousy. I think E is the only one not going to get hurt when it explodes, and I care enough about A that I don't want that to happen. But aside from telling A to be careful - which I've done - there's nothing that I have the right to do. And I don't like that at all.

[Vacant]

The XKCD comics made me cry. People are so insensitive about permavirgin nerds.

Take solace in this.

[Sholos]

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I'm usually the one to reach out on msn, equal in texting and calling.

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Huh, well then I'm afraid I don't really know what's going on. I'm in your boat on this one, and wish I knew the answers.

[Coidzor]

Good Luck, Eadin. Haven't read through it all fully, but I hope you get some info about all that. So that you can at least make an informed decision if it comes to that.

Heliomance: I'm sorry to hear that. Kind of surprised you stayed friends with him at all in that case though, really if you hold such a low opinion of him. Unfortunately between not really knowing her and getting shot down by her, actually warning her to be careful at all in the first place has probably resulted in more harm than good. Hopefully nothing untoward comes of it.

So, uh, weird experience the other day having a girl brag to me about sexual conquest.

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Specifically sleeping with 5 different guys, several of which she met on a dating site for no other reason than to get laid and then gave the addresses of the friends she was staying with to them without her friends' permission and at least one of whom was married to her ex-boyfriend's sister, 10 different times over the course of 3 days. All of this behind the back of her fiance before they got engaged but while she was living with him before she unilaterally declared they were in an open relationship and moved out. Like I should be jealous of them and proud of her at the same time or at least impressed in a positive way.

Is this standard behavior of 18-19 year olds now? I remember when I was that age it was considered rather skeezy of guys to brag about that kind of behavior unless it was a multiple partner encounter and even then opinions were divided about whether those were skeezy or just a bad idea.

Am I incredibly out of touch with the sexual ethics of the younger generation? If so I'm kind of scared of what my younger relatives are going to be like when they hit 18....

The XKCD comics made me cry. People are so insensitive about permavirgin nerds.

There's nothing intrinsic to being a nerd that requires misogyny, which is what the first comic Serpentine linked to was about. Has nothing to do with being a nerd or a virgin.

The second one is a challenge to actually treat women as people rather than putting them on a pedestal or turning them into fetishized sexual objects. Everyone is easily capable of treating others as human beings, regardless of whether that someone is a virgin or a nerd.

So, how, exactly, are either of those two comics insensitive about "permavirgin nerds?"

[DeadManSleeping]

There's no reason you should treat a girl talking like that any different from a guy talking like that.

Granted, if I heard a guy bragging about how he forced his fiancee into an "open" relationship and then proceeded to go out and sleep with a bunch of people and give out his friends' addresses to strangers on the internet, I'd consider him to be a complete tool. It's got nothing to do with the "sex ethics" of the "younger generation". The "complete tool" percentage of the human population has been more or less constant since prehistory.

[Castaras]

So, uh, weird experience the other day having a girl brag to me about sexual conquest.

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Specifically sleeping with 5 different guys, several of which she met on a dating site for no other reason than to get laid and then gave the addresses of the friends she was staying with to them without her friends' permission and at least one of whom was married to her ex-boyfriend's sister, 10 different times over the course of 3 days. All of this behind the back of her fiance before they got engaged but while she was living with him before she unilaterally declared they were in an open relationship and moved out. Like I should be jealous of them and proud of her at the same time or at least impressed in a positive way.

Is this standard behavior of 18-19 year olds now? I remember when I was that age it was considered rather skeezy of guys to brag about that kind of behavior unless it was a multiple partner encounter and even then opinions were divided about whether those were skeezy or just a bad idea.

Am I incredibly out of touch with the sexual ethics of the younger generation? If so I'm kind of scared of what my younger relatives are going to be like when they hit 18....

Don't recall that being the way of it round here. I don't brag much about my sex life to my friends, they don't brag much about it to me. Most one or two people I know have with people are "You, him 'ey? 'ey? Eh? eh? Huh? huh? nudge nudge, wink wink?" and I'll be like "Aww yeah." Or the other variation is "You tapping that?" "Yep." "Hi five". But other than that... It's always a question answered rather than a "Hey guys, best night ever."

[AtlanteanTroll]

There's no reason you should treat a girl talking like that any different from a guy talking like that.

No, you shouldn't. But either way, you'd expect that sort of boasting to come from sort of meat-headed jock man. And either way, that doesn't strike me as typical late-teen behavior.

[Coidzor]

In that case, how worrisome is it if someone thinks that is the standard mindset of twenty-somethings?

[Reluctance]

It's either the loudmouthed rebellious 20somethings, or the sheltered nerdy ones. The former thumb their noses at society's social mores as a general way to give society the finger, while the latter are very good at rationalizing whatever sounds fun to them without factoring in how real human beings enter the equation. Neither is new. They're just a little more popular and a lot louder because the internet makes it easy for them to feel that the behavior is normalized.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Or she's a nympho with a big ego. But probably not.

[Coidzor]

Or she's a nympho with a big ego. But probably not.

Weird combo of low self-esteem and big ego, yeah. Kind of on the fat side too. Kind of made the situation all the more surreal to me.

The friend who thinks this is normal 20-something behavior and mindset is the more disturbing bit. I believe I mentioned being concerned about him upthread a bit. I believe this ties into his explanation for why he doesn't date somehow, but I can never really follow it because half the time he doesn't make sense when he's trying to explain and the other half of the time he just refuses to.

[Eadin]

And so I get dumped. By being ignored.
Yay.
*sob*

[Coidzor]

And so I get dumped. By being ignored.
Yay.
*sob*

Means you've got more time in your life for people who actually care about you and who aren't so cowardly they can't end things straight up.

It'll hurt, but you're young and pretty enough that it's more the finding a decent one you've got to worry about anyway.

[Vacant]

So, uh, weird experience the other day having a girl brag to me about sexual conquest.
. . . The second one is a challenge to actually treat women as people rather than putting them on a pedestal

I mean, c'mon.