Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title

[Coidzor]

I mean, c'mon.

I generally don't expect my guy friends to suddenly go on about having had sex with one woman and then driven 15 minutes to another woman's house and had sex with her while the physical signs of having slept with the last woman were still on his body. While I'm picking up a set of keys to deliver to another friend who had lent them to him. One thing to discuss it in an already sexualized context with one's close friends and associates. An entirely different thing to go on about it out of the blue with someone more distant.

Nor am I especially interested in hearing about how they've cheated on their girlfriends and gotten away with it via tactics that are best described as bullying. I'm not particularly interested in having such men as friends either, to be honest. I do not see how anyone could see that as putting men on a pedestal, and so I do not see any legitimate angle of attack for how applying the same standard to women would be putting them on a pedestal.

Further, you seem to have misunderstood my objective in checking to see if I'd somehow missed something about sexual mores in general that's changed in the last 5 years since I had a use for them in confusing it with pedestaliziationmogrifyingalizing(etc., etc.) or if my friend who believed this was standard and normal behavior for both sexes of people our age or younger was so wrong it borders on funny or a disturbing need of a reality check.

Besides, I'm far too negative and curmudgeonly in general to be putting anyone on pedestals, as most of the regulars who remember me can attest.

[AtlanteanTroll]

How the heck is cheating on someone related to putting someone on a pedestal?

[Coidzor]

How the heck is cheating on someone related to putting someone on a pedestal?

If that's directed at me, then a baseline expectation of both sexes not to revel in the act of cheating openly and publicly is not putting women up on a pedestal as I am apparently accused of doing.

[Vacant]

Aw, I was just kidding around, I hoped the little guy had made it clear. I seriously doubted any intent on your part, I just thought the phrasing was funny.

[The Succubus]

And so I get dumped. By being ignored.
Yay.
*sob*

*squishy hug*

It sounds to me, Eadin, that this guy has not only done you a colossal favour in getting rid of himself but at the same time, has shot himself in the foot and blown it off completely and then fallen in the smoking crater.

I'm not sure how it works with other relationships but I get very grumpy and miserable when I don't hear from my SO through Steam each day, even if it's just idle chit chat about food, activities or planning our next meet up (LDR). If your ex was too dumb to treasure your attentions and affections....well, shooting himself in the foot doesn't begin to cover it.

*hugs again*

[Eadin]

Thanks to Coidzor and Succubus.
I'm fine with a day or two of no contact, but the ignoring went way to far when he doesn't even want to pick up his phone.
Just wish he would have told me why.
Everything was going so well...

[Heliomance]

I've been dumped by lack of contact a couple of times, Eadin. *hug*

Actually, I found it wasn't too bad a way of getting dumped - by the time I worked out that I had been, feelings had cooled enough that I didn't mind much anymore.

[Eadin]

@Helio
You're right, and it's more my ego that's hurt than actual heartbreak.
That and sad because I apparently meant that little to him.

[irenicObserver]

Are we allowed to talk about suicide here? Or does that fall under the advice rule?

[Hannes]

Are we allowed to talk about suicide here? Or does that fall under the advice rule?

I'll be willing to talk about it over PM.

[Dvil]

I'll be willing to talk about it over PM.

Same here, see my sig

[Reluctance]

Are we allowed to talk about suicide here? Or does that fall under the advice rule?

If it's you, call a number like this. The advice thing is to prevent laypeople from giving what could be misconstrued as professional legal/medical/psychological advice. Telling you to go get professional advice is well within the rules.

If it's someone you're close to, help talk them down and then try to get them talking to a qualified professional ASAP. You neither can nor should be expected to patch someone up all on your own.

If this is turning into a recurring thing, venting is totally board-legit.

[Coidzor]

by the time I worked out that I had been, feelings had cooled enough that I didn't mind much anymore.

...What is your desired level of contact with a significant other that it takes so long to figure that out?

[Serpentine]

Are we allowed to talk about suicide here? Or does that fall under the advice rule?

Depends on all sorts of things.
Do you want to discuss it in general? I think that could be okay, depending on where the discussion goes.
Are you thinking about it? Well, that's really more the Personal Woes & Advice thread, anyway, and I'm not sure what the rules let us to do. If you think you're a danger to yourself, then probably the main thing we can do is direct you to sources of help, because we're not qualified to do much else.
Is a friend thinking about it? We can certainly discuss your feelings on the matter, but more technical stuff I expect we'd have to refer you to other resources.

(this is a non-mod's interpretation of the rules)

[Eadin]

Spoiler

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So, today I got a text from apparently not so ex boyfriend
his phone was stolen and only got a new one today.
sure, it happens, but he could have notified me through facebook, e-mail, msn, whatever
he said he was busy.

I'm no sure if I believe him, but he's going to call and explain everything
guess I'll just hear him out

[The Succubus]

Spoiler

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So, today I got a text from apparently not so ex boyfriend
his phone was stolen and only got a new one today.
sure, it happens, but he could have notified me through facebook, e-mail, msn, whatever
he said he was busy.

I'm no sure if I believe him, but he's going to call and explain everything
guess I'll just hear him out

All I'll say is his explanations had better be *really* good.

[Eadin]

well the point is that his phone was stolen and he has been very busy looking for a job and doing odd jobs for some money so he didn't have the time to notify me ... Though he had the time to post stuff on facebook, a simple wall post or personal message would have been enough to make me stop worrying
I'm planning to yell at him a lot

[Heliomance]

...What is your desired level of contact with a significant other that it takes so long to figure that out?

One of them was long distance anyway, and the other one withdrew completely from society - it wasn't just me she wasn't talking to, her best friends couldn't get hold of her either.

[Mando Knight]

So this is a distance relationship, I take it?

[Pika...]

Well, I should have listened to my realistic self.

Yesterday I got a message after I did something for her saying "you are so good to me. You are the most amazing friend ever!". Today I got one saying she is only feeling a friendship, and nothing more. and asking if I would still like to hang out and stuff if she had a boyfriend or just wanted to be friends with me. I'm such a loser. -_-

[Form]

Bah, looks like I got another 'too busy' brush-off. Now I'm grumpy.

[Vacant]

This thread is making me feel terrible about the kind of person who tends to neglect/ignore people for extended periods of time because I'm otherwise occupied.

[Eadin]

Raaant

Spoiler

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So he was going to call, right?
Guess what he didn't do...
Also: ex is stalking me. This day sucks

[Reluctance]

Any way you can hook them up to a machine to even out their interest levels?

No-call boy is treating you as an option. I kinda like leaving these people in Facebook orbit, since it allows me to avoid completely cutting someone out of my life while still not wasting unreciprocated energy. (I have a personal thing about completely cutting someone out, so YMMV.) But the pattern has been set. If you give him another shot as a romantic interest, he'll do the same thing.)

Ex, I don't know what to say. Too much depends on context.

[Eadin]

Spoiler

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well he finally called.
Explained the whole deal.
I'm giving it some thought

Ex was a guy I dated for 3 weeks and broke up with because he was clingy as hell
he stalked me for months and after some silence picked that back up again

[Tiger Duck]

It's only spoilered because of length it's available for anyone to read.

Spoiler

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I've tried to put everything I had to say in it so I'll be able to maximise the time I'll be able to leave you alone


I was going to deny that that is what I was doing but I won't because it is.
I'm not happy that I'm doing it, and try my very hardest not to, but I keep failing. I can keep it up for a while, but then a thought anchors itself in my mind and then I can only postpone me doing something. And somewhere I'm pretty glad I was able to postpone it for this long. and not bother you a month and 4 days ago, because that would have been a lot worse.


I don't feel like I have closure, I was hoping time would do it but apparently it won't. As months have passed and I'm still not over it.


It doesn't help that I want to finch my degree, or at least my bachelor. But that would mean I'd have to travel to the city you are in about once a week. And I know how weak I am. So I wanted something to change before next semester.


Maybe it's a good thing you called it stalking, as I maybe able to get how unwelcome anything I do is to you. But I fear it might not. As it must have been clear to me before that it was. But I still couldn't stop myself. As I have nothing to gain by not bothering you. If I do nothing you don't think about me at all, there is 0 chance that you would ever contact me, no matter how much strength I show in not bothering you. So while I also won't gain anything useful by bothering you, I'm at least on your thoughts. Even if only in a bad way.


And for the record I don't think I was "clingy as hell' I had expressed here that I found it hard not coming across as such. In a way that was meant to on the one had be a release for the clingieness, like you did earlier and show you I knew it was something I had to work on. But you jumped on that like it was this awful sin. And dumped me over it.


So when I saw that your request in the "request your oots style avatar"-thread was being ignored. I wanted to make it for you. but after I did I had the problem on how to give it to you, I could have tried making an other account but one that's not allowed, and two it just felt like you would be able to see right trough that any way.
I was expecting you to either just not acknowledge that I made it or do and say hi or something. But that obviously is not what happened. I know I'm bad at predicting how you'll react I've proven that in the past.


So I'm sorry. And will continue to avoid the city till either you're done studying or I'm over you. And it will most likely be the first. Because while we can call it stalking the only thing I've done I read the posts you made on this forum. And that isn't that bad i think. Which may explain why I'm not able to stop myself.

[Moonshadow]

Bah, looks like I got another 'too busy' brush-off. Now I'm grumpy.

I've never understood "too busy" as a rejection excuse. If people actually like each other and want to date, they'll find the time, whether they have to rearrange stuff or just say "Hey look, I'd love to go out with you but I'm currently occupied with x y and z, is there a way we can work at a time to do stuff?"

Too busy just smacks of "I don't actually like you but I won't tell you that", and that kinda annoys me as a person who values honesty quite highly.

[The Succubus]

@Eadin & Tiger Duck:

Urgh, it's an awkward situation for both of you. Probably best if we look at it one bit at a time:

The avatar request. Duck - if your intent was *honestly* just a friendly gesture to sort Eadin out with a new avatar, with no ulterior motive behind it, then I don't see any issues with it. If it was done with a hope of rekindling something that's been extinguished, then probably best you leave the request unanswered.

Avoiding contact - Avoiding a city purely on the off-chance that you might bump into someone really sounds like overkill to me but if it's the only way you'll actively avoid seeking someone out, then I guess it'll have to do. Cyberspace is a different matter though. You both look like fairly active posters on here - is it really fair that one of you gets the forum and the other one gets cast out? Is there any way you can agree to disagree (i.e. no PMs or quoting of each other, for example).

The "S" word - Back in secondary school, there was a really special girl I had a major crush on. She was really sweet and friendly but found it hard to say no to people. I started hanging around with her a lot and then one day one of her friends came up to me in a full classroom and asked me to stay the hell away from her and to stop following her everywhere. I was absolutely mortified and felt awful. The thing was? She was right - I had become obsessed with the girl and hadn't noticed when my friendly and helpful actions had gone into "creepy stalker" area. Needless to say, after that I avoided her like the plague whenever I could. Many, many months later, we were able to socialise as friends when I finally got a grip on myself but the incident completely wrecked my self confidence and it was years before I was able to approach another girl with any romantic intent in mind.

Horrible though it was, it needed to be done, both for her sake and for mine. I'm in a stable and happy relationship now with someone that truly feels the same about me as I do about her. But that time from secondary school still lurks in the back of my head on occasion, like the mental equivalent of a landmine.

[Serpentine]

Well done, Succubus. I admire you for touching that with a 10-foot pole

[Drascin]

This thread is making me feel terrible about the kind of person who tends to neglect/ignore people for extended periods of time because I'm otherwise occupied.

I can sympathize. I don't even need to be busy, I just don't remember to phone people, ever. Not because I don't care for them - telephones just don't enter my thought processes, so to speak .

This has gotten me in so much trouble with family members .