Writing Exercise Critique

[Zeful]

Not Quite a Ghost Story.

The first scene of a worldbuilding/character/writing exercise I'm doing to get back into practice of writing everyday.

* - * - * - * - *

Dawn rose amongst the snow-capped peaks overlooking a great walled city. Surrounded by rich fields, the city moves through the stages of alternately waking up and going to bed, men and women exchanging small pleasantries as they move through the many darkened streets. In the thoroughfares, opportunistic bakers sell their goods to these early morning customers.

One such baker spotted a familiar face amongst the crowd. Greying hair, a white robe decorated with elaborate blue and gold designs, a wisened- if put upon- look.

“Oh, Master Razo,” he called to the man, waving as Razo looked in his direction, “it is very rare to see you up so early in the morning. Surely nothing has happened at the walls? The militia would have mobilized– ”

“Calm friend,” Razo interrupted, raising a hand in a placating gesture, “nothing has happened at the wall that would require my attention. I have not stood upon the walls in years.”

“Then if it is no trouble, may I ask why you are up so early; rumor paints you as a man averse to cold weather.”

“Despite my students turning my hair white, I am not so old as to fear the cold. No, one of my students has recently achieved his journeyman rank, and despite leaving with a group of homesteaders at midday, he is currently with the servants, cooking breakfast.” Razo smiled, shaking his head as if to clear it, “Alas, we had run out of bread, and having other errands around, I volunteered.”

“I see, it is just as well that I spotted you then, several loaves of bread just finished baking. They are still warm.”

“Thank you,” Razo reached into his robes, producing a few coins. He waved off an attempt at conversation, claiming an errand not yet done, and departed. He turned down the road, towards home. He worried about the boy, who had come to his home asking for a job so many years ago. Razo had seen potential in the boy, and instead of sending him down to the servants, took him as a student. His property, a humble brick structure, struck a contrast between two larger textile factories as he approached. Rather than enter through the front door, he stepped around the building, and entered through the servant's door. He had barely taken two steps into the building when Calo, his butler, met him at the door.

“Ah, Master Razo, you're back.” Calo commented, “are you here to talk to your wayward student?” With a wave the short, brown-haired woman lead Razo through to the kitchens. “Maybe this time you can convince Ulric not to invade the kitchens every time he's nervous.”

Razo smiled as Calo relieved him of his purchases. He watched Ulric as he moved through the motions of cooking. He was relaxed as he moved between stations, working with the servants to prepare a simple breakfast for the rest of the household. Razo moved into the press, his presence interrupting their focus. Awareness spread out like a wave, spreading through the cooking staff. Ulric turned, brown eyes wide, probably surprised to he his master in the kitchens.

“Master Razo,” Ulric nearly squeaked, trying his best to approximate a bow in the tight space of the kitchens, “I wasn't- I mean- I was not expecting to see you here so early. I was going to surprise you with-”

“Calm down Ulric,” Razo cut him off, “I am quite aware of your penchant for cooking, there is no need to worry about that, we can talk after everybody is served.”

“But- I, ah. Of course master.” Razo watched his student return to his work. Deftly, the meal was finished, pastries, oats and sausage sent upstairs to join the bread Razo had bought early this morning.

“What is it you wish to talk about master?” Ulric stood awkwardly, a small plate of pastries left behind. Razo was silent observing him, noting how Ulric had grown in the years in his charge.

“You have come far since you came to me Ulric,” he said finally, Ulric flinching at the memory. “You were a troubled boy asking for me to employ you, but I saw potential in you. Seven years later your potential makes you the quickest journeyman I have taught.”

“Thank you master, I-” Ulric started, his head bowed.

“None of that Ulric,” Razo interrupted, making a swift cutting motion with his hands, “your humility does you justice, but you have not flourished in all areas. You do not socialize with the other students, unless asked by an instructor, withdrawing into yourself at any mention of your family or past. Despite thinking of yourself as a swordsman, you do not practice your style often, even then preferring to do so at night. You say that your past is behind you yet you are constantly wary, expecting everyone to recognize you for it.”

“It's better if they do not know.” Ulric murmured, looking away.

“That maybe true, many of the students would not understand what you have been put through. That does not make you any less shaped by your past. It has influenced who you are now far more than I have. To deny that is to deny the self. Despite seven years without your sword, you still bow like a swordsman. You still study various styles of abjuration and fighting, analyzing their weaknesses. You still walk without sound, blend into crowds. These activities, behaviors and thought processes are part of who you are Ulric, neither vice nor virtue but you still try and repress them.”

“Master, what are you saying?”

“You are leaving today to join a group of homesteaders, looking to colonize to the southern lands. The spirits there will not accept human invasion, and will attack with all they can. You are not Jiang, and will need all the skills you possess if you to are be any help to these people. Today I will return you your sword, and you will accept it, along with any gifts the other students wish to give.”

“Master, I don't deserve those gifts, after what I've done.”

“So you did not defend Jacques from a group of criminals who were going to rob him? You refused to teach Emilia when she was on the verge of giving up learning this trade in exchange for becoming a maid who wouldn't be respected? You did not defend Leon, when his past, one similar to yours I might add, caught up with him? Did I imagine you giving of yourself in these ways Ulric?

Ulric was silent for a moment, “no Master, you did not imagine that,” his voice was soft.

“Then how are you not entitled to the respect and affection of your fellows, to the gifts they offer so that you will remember what you have done for them?” Ulric did not respond, head bowed. Razo frowned as the silence deepened. “Think about who you are Ulric, nothing good will come of you if your will is burdened with guilt and regret.”

“Yes, Master,” Ulric's response was hollow, his thoughts clearly elsewhere. Razo smiled sadly, before turning and leaving his student alone as he preferred. Silently he hoped Ulric could at least forgive himself, feeling the scars he bore as a result of a will burdened by pain.

* - * - * - * - *

Thanks for reading. If you spot any errors, please leave a comment explaining what's wrong, and I'll do my best to address it.

Thank you in advance for any help you can provide.

[Dark Elf Bard]

Well, here was I think I sufieciant enough to critique on.

A couple of punctuation and capitalazation mistakes.

It seems you're trying to hard for it to be fancy. Just write like you talk.

[Zeful]

Well, here was I think I sufieciant enough to critique on.

A couple of punctuation and capitalazation mistakes.

It seems you're trying to hard for it to be fancy. Just write like you talk.

Well it's not just critique of the writing itself, but also the concepts behind the writing, which is why I ask for that small summary of what you've learned. It's odd, but this is the first real piece of writing I've actually done and I seriously need to know if the impressions I'm trying to convey are getting across.

Can you point out the punctuation and capitalization mistakes?

Are you referring to dialog or description? And writing how I speak is not very helpful, as I tend to cut out as many words as possible to get things across, and was one of the first things I was critiqued against doing several years ago.

[truemane]

It's not bad. Certainly serviceable. You clearly have a decent handle on who these people are and a clear picture in your head of what this world looks like and how it operates. These two things are essential in a fantasy story because the latter gives you verisimilitude and the former gives you narrative thrust. Too much of the former and it's a0 geek show. Too much of the latter and it's a travelogue.

Now. Notes. These are very general notes, since I don't think correcting your grammar or punctuation is very helpful in making you a better writer.

1. I would resist the urge to ask readers to answer questions. I know why it's important to you, but if I'm going to take some time from my day to read and offer advice on your writing I don't want to have to answer questions, as though it were a test. Also, and this is my experience talking, you never get the responses you want when you ask for them. If you want to know if what you're laying down is getting across, get more readers and see what they say. Also, you'll never convey just what you want to convey, and you shouldn't really try. Just tell the experience. Let us decide what it feels like.

2. The piece has two places where it needs work: flow and pacing. You need to think of the piece as a series of narrative units that are distinct, in and of themselves, and yet connected. If a paragraph starts with someone speaking, that 'unit' needs to be closed off before you move on to the next one. If a paragraph starts in one locale, it should either stay there, or be about the transition from one to another.

Similarly, the reader is following your writing as though it were a camera, of sorts. You can zoom in, zoom out, pan to one side or the other, quick cut from moment to moment, speed time up or slow it down. But the reader is following you along, and you need to be cognizant of that and have all the transitions be logical and rational. From word to word, sentence to sentence, paragraph to paragraph, chapter to chapter.

Examples:

Dawn rose amongst the snow-capped peaks overlooking a great walled city. Surrounded by rich fields, the city moves through the stages of alternately waking up and going to bed...
-We have dawn, peaks, walled city, all fine. Then we have a kind of quick cut to the rich fields. But that should really belong to the previous sentence (thereby closing out the narrative unit composed of the city's external features), or compose its sentence. The rich fields and the waking and sleeping have no relation to each other, and don't belong in the same 'unit.'
-Minor note: alternately isn't the word you're looking for here. That implies that the city wakes all at once, at one time, and then at another time, goes to sleep all at once. You want 'simultaneously' maybe. Or better yet, no adverb at all. Adverbs are traps and you should avoid them at all costs.

“Oh, Master Razo,” he called to the man, waving as Razo looked in his direction...
-just call Razo the man until you've 'closed off' this unit, at which point we all know that 'the man' is Razo and you can go ahead and refer to him as such. As it's written, the 'narrative' knows who Razo is before we do, and its jarring. Just say "Oh Master Razo," he called out, waving as the man looked in his direction. Next paragraph, Razo speaks, you can call him Razo all you want.

“Thank you,” Razo reached into his robes, producing a few coins. He waved off an attempt at conversation, claiming an errand not yet done, and departed. He turned down the road, towards home. He worried about the boy, who had come to his home asking for a job so many years ago. Razo had seen potential in the boy, and instead of sending him down to the servants, took him as a student. His property, a humble brick structure, struck a contrast between two larger textile factories as he approached. Rather than enter through the front door, he stepped around the building, and entered through the servant's door. He had barely taken two steps into the building when Calo, his butler, met him at the door.
-YIKE. You've got like six paragraphs all mashed up here. Too many units. What is this paragraph about? Is it the movement of Razo from one place to the other? Is it Razo ending the transaction with the baker? Is it about him fretting about the boy? Is it about his property? Or the way he goes around back? Too much. You need to break this into units:
1. close off the transaction with the baker
2. walking home (musing as he goes, that's fine, so long as neither the walk home nor the muse are particularly complex or involved)
3. arrives home, property, what it looks like and why we care. Maybe he enters as the close of this unit.
4. Calo. He could enter as the start of this unit instead. Either could work.

Otherwise, it's just thing-thing-thing-done and it's too much too fast.

The next three paragraphs, again. We just met Razo six seconds ago, and now there's Calo and then as soon as Calo shows up we're talking about Ulric. Too much too fast. If you're going to include Calo, you should have Calo serve some narrative purpose (information is the usual one) and that purpose be specifically related to Calo. Or else leave her out.
-also, small note, butlers are male in the popular consciousness, and I'd mention that Calo is a female the moment she's introduced. Especially with a name ending in 'o' which is a masculine name (in Western culture anyway). An opening scene needs to read fast and smooth and as sweet as a tall glass of lemonade on a hot summer's day. I spent a few seconds wondering what woman was leading Calo and Razo into the kitchens and it took me out of the experience long enough to mar it.

“But- I, ah. Of course master.” Razo watched his student return to his work. Deftly, the meal was finished, pastries, oats and sausage sent upstairs to join the bread Razo had bought early this morning.

“What is it you wish to talk about master?” Ulric stood awkwardly, a small plate of pastries left behind. Razo was silent observing him, noting how Ulric had grown in the years in his charge.
-Again, if Ulric is speaking, close out that unit. "Ulroc said and turned away. Razo watched his student..." Or whatever. But when you have a quote, and the name right after is Razo, it's natural to assume he spoke, and it's jarring when it turns out he didn't.
-He says of course, then he returns to work, but you never close off that unit so we can move on. So he's working, and in our minds he's baking and cooking and then BOOM! He's asking what Razo wants while standing awkwardly. First off, you didn't change speakers so you don't need a new paragraph. But you should get into the cooking and backing, hit it. THEN start a new paragraph with him stopping, turning to Razo, standing awkwardly, and THEN he speaks. Then the reader follows along.

“Thank you master, I-” Ulric started, his head bowed.

“None of that Ulric,” Razo interrupted...
-Bow the head first, then the talk, then the interruption. It's flow, yeah? An interruption, almost by definition, needs to have nothing in between the interrupter and the interruptee. You've got talk, then the verb, then the head bowing, then the interrupting. Ulric starts speaking, bows his head, "Thank you Master, I-" Then tell us Razo interrupts with the cutting motion, then say what he said to do so. So we have all the information we need (bowing head, talking, breaking off, interrupting, cutting motion, more talking) when we need it so we don't have to stop and piece it together.

Second note, less detailed, more general, is focus. If the point of this scene is Razo sending Ulric off with the homesteaders, then everything in the scene needs to support that. Instead of zooming in on the baker, zoom in on Razo thinking about the boy. If the baker's talk of the wall is relevant to the boy, make it obvious. If it isn't relevant, leave it out. Or make it clear Razo doesn't want to talk about the wall because he's got other things to worry about.

All the talk between Razo and Ulric should be 'slanted' in the direction of the assignment. And heavily slanted. Razo should muse on his plan so we know what it is before he gets there. And then all the talk should move that way. Should sound like Razo is testing him, or bracing him, or preparing him, or whatever, so that everything in the scene leads the reader to that moment.

Little things:
Dawn rose amongst the snow-capped peaks overlooking a great walled city. Surrounded by rich fields, the city moves through...
-you changed tenses, from past to present. It mucks up the flow, especially in your opening line.

"Calm friend," Razo interrupted, raising a hand in a placating gesture...
-leave out 'placaing gesture.' Just tell us what he did, not what it means. Say he raised his hand. If you're clear enough in your writing, we'll know why.
-also, comma between calm and friend. Otherwise it's not a command, it's a description.

...probably surprised to he his master in the kitchens....
-I think you meant 'see his master.' And, actually, I'd leave this phrase out. Tell us his eyes were wide, let us decide what it means. Your job is to relate the experience, it's the readers' to interpret it.

“Master Razo,” Ulric nearly squeaked...
-Adverb! Did he squeak, or didn't he? If he didn't, find me that word, if he did, then just say so.

I think that's about it. There were a couple more, but I can't find them now.

[Zeful]

It's not bad. Certainly serviceable. You clearly have a decent handle on who these people are and a clear picture in your head of what this world looks like and how it operates. These two things are essential in a fantasy story because the latter gives you verisimilitude and the former gives you narrative thrust. Too much of the former and it's a0 geek show. Too much of the latter and it's a travelogue.

Well this is my first real attempt at writing from an outline, so I have a lot of information about who the characters are and what the world is like, so it's good that that's coming across.

Now. Notes. These are very general notes, since I don't think correcting your grammar or punctuation is very helpful in making you a better writer.

1. I would resist the urge to ask readers to answer questions. I know why it's important to you, but if I'm going to take some time from my day to read and offer advice on your writing I don't want to have to answer questions, as though it were a test. Also, and this is my experience talking, you never get the responses you want when you ask for them. If you want to know if what you're laying down is getting across, get more readers and see what they say. Also, you'll never convey just what you want to convey, and you shouldn't really try. Just tell the experience. Let us decide what it feels like.

Well, I'm really nervous about this, I can rarely pick out this stuff on my own, and this my first real piece.

2. The piece has two places where it needs work: flow and pacing. You need to think of the piece as a series of narrative units that are distinct, in and of themselves, and yet connected. If a paragraph starts with someone speaking, that 'unit' needs to be closed off before you move on to the next one. If a paragraph starts in one locale, it should either stay there, or be about the transition from one to another.

So I need to work on properly ending thoughts before I start another?

Similarly, the reader is following your writing as though it were a camera, of sorts. You can zoom in, zoom out, pan to one side or the other, quick cut from moment to moment, speed time up or slow it down. But the reader is following you along, and you need to be cognizant of that and have all the transitions be logical and rational. From word to word, sentence to sentence, paragraph to paragraph, chapter to chapter.

I generally write from the scenes as I imagine them happening.

Dawn rose amongst the snow-capped peaks overlooking a great walled city. Surrounded by rich fields, the city moves through the stages of alternately waking up and going to bed...
-We have dawn, peaks, walled city, all fine. Then we have a kind of quick cut to the rich fields. But that should really belong to the previous sentence (thereby closing out the narrative unit composed of the city's external features), or compose its sentence. The rich fields and the waking and sleeping have no relation to each other, and don't belong in the same 'unit.'
-Minor note: alternately isn't the word you're looking for here. That implies that the city wakes all at once, at one time, and then at another time, goes to sleep all at once. You want 'simultaneously' maybe. Or better yet, no adverb at all. Adverbs are traps and you should avoid them at all costs.

So pretty much swap the period with the comma, drop the adverb entirely, so it reads as, "Dawn rose amongst the snow-capped peaks overlooking a great walled city, surrounded by rich fields. The city moves through the stages of waking up and going to bed."

“Oh, Master Razo,” he called to the man, waving as Razo looked in his direction...
-just call Razo the man until you've 'closed off' this unit, at which point we all know that 'the man' is Razo and you can go ahead and refer to him as such. As it's written, the 'narrative' knows who Razo is before we do, and its jarring. Just say "Oh Master Razo," he called out, waving as the man looked in his direction. Next paragraph, Razo speaks, you can call him Razo all you want.

Oh, I figured that once you "named" a character you could omit description and just call them by name, apparently I have to close the thought first. Good to know.

“Thank you,” Razo reached into his robes, producing a few coins. He waved off an attempt at conversation, claiming an errand not yet done, and departed. He turned down the road, towards home. He worried about the boy, who had come to his home asking for a job so many years ago. Razo had seen potential in the boy, and instead of sending him down to the servants, took him as a student. His property, a humble brick structure, struck a contrast between two larger textile factories as he approached. Rather than enter through the front door, he stepped around the building, and entered through the servant's door. He had barely taken two steps into the building when Calo, his butler, met him at the door.
-YIKE. You've got like six paragraphs all mashed up here. Too many units. What is this paragraph about? Is it the movement of Razo from one place to the other? Is it Razo ending the transaction with the baker? Is it about him fretting about the boy? Is it about his property? Or the way he goes around back? Too much. You need to break this into units:
1. close off the transaction with the baker
2. walking home (musing as he goes, that's fine, so long as neither the walk home nor the muse are particularly complex or involved)
3. arrives home, property, what it looks like and why we care. Maybe he enters as the close of this unit.
4. Calo. He could enter as the start of this unit instead. Either could work.

Otherwise, it's just thing-thing-thing-done and it's too much too fast.

So it should look more like:
“Thank you,” Razo reached into his robes, producing a few coins. He waved off an attempt at conversation, claiming an errand not yet done, and departed.

He turned down the road, towards home. His thoughts drifted towards the boy, who had come to his home asking for a job so many years ago. Razo had seen potential in the boy, and instead of sending him down to the servants, took him as a student.

His property, a humble brick structure, struck a contrast between two larger textile factories as he approached. Rather than enter through the front door, he stepped around the building, and entered through the servant's door. He had barely taken two steps into the building when Calo, his butler, met him at the door."
And even then should be rewritten for better flow?

The next three paragraphs, again. We just met Razo six seconds ago, and now there's Calo and then as soon as Calo shows up we're talking about Ulric. Too much too fast. If you're going to include Calo, you should have Calo serve some narrative purpose (information is the usual one) and that purpose be specifically related to Calo. Or else leave her out.

She's there as a transition element to move between outside and inside, but apparently I don't need that and screwed it up.

-also, small note, butlers are male in the popular consciousness, and I'd mention that Calo is a female the moment she's introduced. Especially with a name ending in 'o' which is a masculine name (in Western culture anyway). An opening scene needs to read fast and smooth and as sweet as a tall glass of lemonade on a hot summer's day. I spent a few seconds wondering what woman was leading Calo and Razo into the kitchens and it took me out of the experience long enough to mar it.

So I should include something to mark Calo as female in this sentence: “Ah, Master Razo, you're back.” Calo commented, “are you here to talk to your wayward student?”

“But- I, ah. Of course master.” Razo watched his student return to his work. Deftly, the meal was finished, pastries, oats and sausage sent upstairs to join the bread Razo had bought early this morning.

“What is it you wish to talk about master?” Ulric stood awkwardly, a small plate of pastries left behind. Razo was silent observing him, noting how Ulric had grown in the years in his charge.
-Again, if Ulric is speaking, close out that unit. "Ulroc said and turned away. Razo watched his student..." Or whatever. But when you have a quote, and the name right after is Razo, it's natural to assume he spoke, and it's jarring when it turns out he didn't.
-He says of course, then he returns to work, but you never close off that unit so we can move on. So he's working, and in our minds he's baking and cooking and then BOOM! He's asking what Razo wants while standing awkwardly. First off, you didn't change speakers so you don't need a new paragraph. But you should get into the cooking and backing, hit it. THEN start a new paragraph with him stopping, turning to Razo, standing awkwardly, and THEN he speaks. Then the reader follows along.

Okay reorganize the first paragraph, end the thought about him cooking, then move on to the next paragraph with an action not dialog.

“Thank you master, I-” Ulric started, his head bowed.

“None of that Ulric,” Razo interrupted...
-Bow the head first, then the talk, then the interruption. It's flow, yeah? An interruption, almost by definition, needs to have nothing in between the interrupter and the interruptee. You've got talk, then the verb, then the head bowing, then the interrupting. Ulric starts speaking, bows his head, "Thank you Master, I-" Then tell us Razo interrupts with the cutting motion, then say what he said to do so. So we have all the information we need (bowing head, talking, breaking off, interrupting, cutting motion, more talking) when we need it so we don't have to stop and piece it together.

So:
"Ulric bowed his head, 'Thank you master I-'

'None of that Ulric,' Razo interrupted, with a swift motion of his hands..."?
I should probably replace "interrupted" with a different verb. It's pretty clear now that he's interrupted Ulric at this point.

Second note, less detailed, more general, is focus. If the point of this scene is Razo sending Ulric off with the homesteaders, then everything in the scene needs to support that. Instead of zooming in on the baker, zoom in on Razo thinking about the boy. If the baker's talk of the wall is relevant to the boy, make it obvious. If it isn't relevant, leave it out. Or make it clear Razo doesn't want to talk about the wall because he's got other things to worry about.

There are a lot of points to the scene, which is probably the problem, isn't it?

All the talk between Razo and Ulric should be 'slanted' in the direction of the assignment. And heavily slanted. Razo should muse on his plan so we know what it is before he gets there. And then all the talk should move that way. Should sound like Razo is testing him, or bracing him, or preparing him, or whatever, so that everything in the scene leads the reader to that moment.

What? I'm not quite following with what your saying here, can you explain better?

Little things:
Dawn rose amongst the snow-capped peaks overlooking a great walled city. Surrounded by rich fields, the city moves through...
-you changed tenses, from past to present. It mucks up the flow, especially in your opening line.

So "dawn rises" rather than "dawn rose"? Though I seem to be using past tense more than present, so maybe I should go the other way.

"Calm friend," Razo interrupted, raising a hand in a placating gesture...
-leave out 'placaing gesture.' Just tell us what he did, not what it means. Say he raised his hand. If you're clear enough in your writing, we'll know why.
-also, comma between calm and friend. Otherwise it's not a command, it's a description.

Okay.

...probably surprised to he his master in the kitchens....
-I think you meant 'see his master.' And, actually, I'd leave this phrase out. Tell us his eyes were wide, let us decide what it means. Your job is to relate the experience, it's the readers' to interpret it.

Yeah that was a mistake.

“Master Razo,” Ulric nearly squeaked...
-Adverb! Did he squeak, or didn't he? If he didn't, find me that word, if he did, then just say so.

The "nearly" was supposed to be a stand in for the idiom "near thing" which is narrow success... but it still makes no sense.

I think that's about it. There were a couple more, but I can't find them now.

Thanks this was very helpful.

[truemane]

Well this is my first real attempt at writing from an outline, so I have a lot of information about who the characters are and what the world is like, so it's good that that's coming across.

Well, I'm really nervous about this, I can rarely pick out this stuff on my own, and this my first real piece.

Entirely understandable, and speaking as someone who's been writing a long, long time, you never get over it. You never know what impression you're providing, not really. What I'm saying is that, in your writing as well as in your commentary, the best thing to do is let it go. Relate the experience as best you can, and then listen to whatever feedback you get. If you have specific questions for a reader, fine, but let them read it cold, and give you feedback cold, after which specifics are okay.

So I need to work on properly ending thoughts before I start another?

I generally write from the scenes as I imagine them happening.

Again, it's kind of like editing a movie together (not exactly like, but similar). The next time you watch a movie, pay attention to the way the shots set the scene, enter the scene, and leave the scene. If the character leaves to go somewhere, and he exits to the left, when he gets there he has to enter from the right (unless he's going somewhere and coming back, in which case he re-enters from the same place he exited). That's not something you particularly notice, unless it's done incorrectly, at which point your brain would probably perk up.

Same sort of thing here. You proceed in a series of beats. Every paragraph needs to have a central 'point' that everything else supports. And every 'beat' needs a way in and a way out. It's a hard thing to talk about in generalities, because everything depends on how well it's executed.

She's there as a transition element to move between outside and inside, but apparently I don't need that and screwed it up.

Yeah, remember that everything you do needs to make a point. So you include the FEWEST possible narrative elements you can and still do what you need to do. Especially in your opening chapter, when the reader doesn't know anything about anything and is easily lost in detail. Opening scenes need to burn in the mind like a grassfire. Start, move, go, shuck and jive. Nothing extraneous.

But, if you do decide she does something important enough to keep her, mention she's female the moment you bring her into it. Even as simple as changing:

“Ah, Master Razo, you're back.” Calo commented, “are you here to talk to your wayward student?”

to:

Calo turned as Razo entered. “Ah, Master Razo, you're back.” she said, “are you here to talk to your wayward student?”

So:
"Ulric bowed his head, 'Thank you master I-'

'None of that Ulric,' Razo interrupted, with a swift motion of his hands..."?
I should probably replace "interrupted" with a different verb. It's pretty clear now that he's interrupted Ulric at this point.

That's better. You could also start the paragraph with 'Razo interrupted Ulric with a swift motion of his hands. "None of that Ulric," he snapped....' That could work too. But what you have is fine. And using interrupted as a verb is okay. It sounds like what it is, so it adds punch.

There are a lot of points to the scene, which is probably the problem, isn't it?

Yes. That is the problem. You have a whole big giant book to illustrate all the various awesomes your story contains. But in order to get the reader to hang on long enough to get to all those awesomes, you have to draw them in. And you do that by picking one thing, one thing so cool and so sweet and so damned nifty that, once they pick the book off the shelf and give the opening scene a scan, they're all OMG IS TEH SWEEEEEEEEEET and feel compelled to buy it.

So pick something. And hit it. Hit it hard.

What? I'm not quite following with what your saying here, can you
explain better?

What do I mean. Good question. You ever see Ingluorious Basterds? You know how, in the first scene, all the were doing was talking about milk? But it was clear right from the start that they weren't talking about milk? That's kind of what I'm saying. Whatever decision Razo needs to make, you have to state it and make it clear for the reader as soon as you can, and emphasize how important it is, and what Razo thinks about it, and what's he worried about, and so on.

So when they talk, it's clear they're not just passing the time of day, but rather Razo is gearing up to tell him the decision, and maybe even testing Ulric to be sure he's ready, or to reassure himself that it's really the right thing to do. For example, the fact that Ulric was an urchin, and is clearly smart enough to rise in the ranks so quickly, and is a good swordsman, and has a strong sense of justice, are these things the reason Razo is sending him away? If so, tell us so. Have Razo say something like, "It has to be him. No one else has the strength of body to survive the journey and the strength of mind to complete the mission and the strength of spirit not be tempted."

Or the like. That way, as Razo goes through these points with Ulric, one by by one (mentions smarts, mentions sword, mentions good deeds), we know he's checking Urlic to be sure he's right about him.

The "nearly" was supposed to be a stand in for the idiom "near thing" which is narrow success... but it still makes no sense.

It makes sense, it's just an adverb. He didn't nearly squeak, he made a noise. Find me the word for that noise. If there's isn't one, then come down off the fence and tell me the word for the noise he did make.

Thanks this was very helpful.

Excellent. Happy to be of assistance.