Personal Woes and Advice 2

[Haluesen]

Thing is...it's not one situation. It's just my sort of general feeling about the world. Like the thing with my roommate - I just feel like one other person being terrible can essentially ruin my life at home. I start to get comfortable and settled in a place, the landlord's nice, it starts to feel like home...and my roommate goes NUTS and starts making my life miserable, and my options are to either hide in my own home or pack up and move on short notice and try to settle in somewhere else wherever I can find mid-summer (not easy). I'm miserable either way. I have to go back to work soon, even though I'm not ready and I'm not strong enough to really be holding a job, because I can't keep borrowing money forever - which means taking more soul-destroying medication just so I can function enough to earn money at a job I don't want. I need medical treatment but don't have a servicable insurance option, so I have to either skip treatment or rely on my parents and put up with my mother's harassment. Those are the sort of choices that life offers.

It just feels to me like there's really only two roles in life - bully and victim. And I really don't want to be a bully. I don't. But I feel like I'm living in a world of bullies, and that if I'm not out there and aggressive enough all the time I might as well have a giant "hurt me" sign taped to my back.

But it isn't always that way. It may be hard to see and they may be hard to find but there are actually people who do not fit the "bully" or "victim" set up, and I am deeply sorry that it seems you haven't seen enough people like that. This world has it's bad things, this is true. But it isn't all hopeless. There are a few rays of sunshine left, a number of silver linings, that show that not everything is screwed up. Please, just hang in there and try to find some hope in this world. It really does help.

As for your tough situation with your roommate, I apologize but I really don't know what you can do there. It honestly sounds like staying there is better than trying to leave at least. And if you have a job that is less time having to deal with that person. It just sounds like all you can do is just be as good as you can, and if that isn't good enough for your roommate then the standards are just too high, and you should learn to ignore her because there's just no pleasing some people.

I hope this doesn't sounds cynical or crass and I do hope it helps you a little bit, even just to talk.

[Lycunadari]

Spoiler

Show

I thought it was getting better. After the therapy session on Tuesday I felt so good, I was even happy. I could see myself actually enjoying things again and looking forward to things. Of course, my anxieties are still there and I know they won't go away anytime soon but at least I'm starting to learn how to deal with them, how to live with them. And I haven't felt that miserable for quite some time now.
But yesterday it all came back. I'm crying without reason, I'm feeling fragile and insecure. I just want to curl up and want the world to go away while at the same time I'm feeling incredibly lonely again.
It doesn't help at all that I should be learning for my last two exams next week and can't do the things that might be able to cheer me up a bit. Even if I manage to motivate myself and try to learn, I just can't concentrate and if do something else I feel bad because I don't learn. It's only four days left and my mother says I must put myself together these few days, but it's so difficult and I just feel miserable.

[Grytorm]

Why do I do this? Spend hours on the computer a day, never doing homework assignments that are worth a significant portion of my day. I choose to spend time online rather than go to class. I'm afraid I'm starting to hate myself. I keep on doing these pathetic things even though I know that they will likely cost my family thousands. If I really mess up college so much I won't be able to do anything really worthwhile with my life.

I broke down crying on my way to my dorm but then decided to return to the Library so I could try to clear my head and not stew on everything. I sometimes have thoughts of suicide although right now I am having thoughts of thoughts of suicide, I'm worried that I might begin contemplation.

I do go in for therapy and the guy is aware that I have had thoughts. I'm terrified of speaking to my family because I don't want to deal with their reactions. I know it wouldn't be terrible but I just really don't want to talk to them. Thinking about how well I could be doing kind of makes it worse because I put so little effort into school even though I know this is a bad idea. I can't talk to friends because I have none. I have many people that I could be friends with if I knew how but I don't know how to make friends. I can't really talk to my roommate because I just don't really talk with him. At all.

And I didn't do laundry today.

[Grytorm]

I think I have realized what my fundamental problem is, I have never treated anything seriously. I've never really put effort into studies, or some project, or getting good at a game. I've never really treated anything as if I need to do it, in the past I have always just gotten by. Thinking now I realize that I cannot do that. If I don't take anything seriously I won't be able to achieve anything else, I have reached a limit of what I can do without putting in much effort. I can't get through college without actually focusing on my studies above other things. But I don't want to do that, I keep on choosing not to do that. And the consequences of not changing devastate me, leaving me feeling useless because things are not simple anymore. And I don't like living in a world where everything isn't easy. And I find that painful to live with.

[Haluesen]

In response to your first post Gyrestorm:
I am quite sorry that you have been feeling so depressed lately. I know the feeling of just sitting and wasting time while needing to do schoolwork, it is a hard feeling to fight sometimes. And it is good that you are talking to a professional to help. I don't know what much else to say here, but that at least trying to focus is the best you can do here, and you really should. I can understand you not wanting to tell your family your thoughts...is there any one particular family member you have, that you trust at the utmost, that you are very close to? It may be worth talking to them about your worries.

In response to your second post:
It is a harsh realization, but you can't deny the truth here. If there is something you really want, you have to push for it. You need to find a strong motivation to give everything you got. It isn't like that with everything in this world, it truly isn't, but for something it really is. And college is just too important to go through without putting your all into it.

It may feel painful, perhaps scary (that's how I think of it), but you need to find your motivation, your drive, and run with it. For me, it is the thought that for so long no one in my family went through college. Mom, dad, grandparents, siblings. And I don't want to let them all down. So even when I feel like letting the day just flow away and be wasted, I can't. Neither of us can. So again, find what drives you, whatever thought or emotion is strong enough to make you face the world, glaring or grinning.

I hope this helps, and I wish you the very best in getting through everything. Best wishes to both of us making it through.

[Grinner]

@Grytorm: Oh no. Life can be very easy; plenty of people live on government aid alone. The thing is that they're always broke, and that's no way to really live nowadays. Everything costs money, after all. I've got one friend who can barely afford to feed herself. She's got an "easy" life, but she isn't especially happy with it.

[Helanna]

Grytorm, I know *exactly* how you feel. Exactly. You may, in fact, be me. I too, procrastinate like crazy and simply don't do homework assignments. I too, never take anything seriously or put any real effort into anything. I too, have always just gotten by pretty much through luck, without trying. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything that I don't enjoy (homework, working out, running errands - pretty much everything except reading, surfing the internet, or gardening.)

Let me tell you right now where it leads - I'm three years into college and thousands of dollars in debt. I just realized that I don't actually like my major, but it doesn't matter right now anyways because I was just suspended for one year for poor academic performance, after being warned about this possibility twice, because I kept failing classes. Almost exclusively through simply not doing homework. Most of the classes were even relatively easy - I just did not put any noticeable effort into them.

Unfortunately if I had any real advice for you, I wouldn't be in this situation. You're clearly already aware of how important college is. So I'll just stand here as an example for now.

[BroomGuys]

Re: Helanna and Grytorm's posts

I, too, have some bad problems with messing around on the internet when I really should be working. It's a disadvantage to the environment of college, really, because you totally can get away with spending fifteen more minutes on the internet, and nobody is watching to make sure you're working when you're supposed to. Those fifteen minutes, of course, so often turn into several hours, until you look back and realize you didn't actually get anything done. For me, this comes with feelings of guilt and failure, but usually not enough to get me to be any better about procrastinating the next time around, so I get the worst of both worlds: feeling bad and not actually learning from it.

I have a few tricks that may help, which I'll list here, but my main message is not to be too hard on yourself. College is, often times, an immediate transition from a world with very straightforward tasks and a strong externally structured schedule into one with more open-ended and/or overwhelming tasks and a mostly internally structured schedule. Forming the necessary habits of self-motivation to perform well in the latter atmosphere is a harder thing than we might think, and if "just working harder" were really that simple, you would've just done that by now.

Ok, tricks I've picked up:

1. Try starting to do work at different times of day.

I've found that waking up at 6:00 AM to do work on days when I don't have classes in the morning is actually very helpful sometimes. This works for two reasons: first, some people seem to be more productive at certain times of day, and second, you are thinking of work as something you are choosing to do rather than something you have to do. When I'm on the internet in the afternoon and have work to do that evening, the thought of switching from messing around on the internet to doing whatever stuff I have to do is a very miserable thought. It only ends up working if I really strongly feel like I can't get away with continuing to procrastinate, and that feeling doesn't kick in until at most the day before that work needs to be done. If, however, I set my alarm for 6:00 AM and think "ok gosh darn it I'm gonna get up and work" then I associate positive feelings with the task (I have a fondness for doing crazy things) instead of negative ones.

2. Break up whatever work you have to do into smaller tasks that you can complete quicker.

One thing that fuels procrastination is fear of an overwhelming task. If having to do something instead of whatever you would rather do is unpleasant, having to do a lot of something you have to do is much worse. So cut it up into more manageable chunks, and you can look at the first one and say "hey, I can finish that in just a couple hours!" When you do finish it, often you can ride the momentum and get more done than you even set out to, fueled by the feeling of accomplishment.

3. Have "get stuff done" parties with your friends. Maybe even at 6:00 AM?

Since you all have work you have to suffer through, why not suffer together? Like the tips above, this is all about replacing as many of the negative feelings with good ones; it's called "morale"! If you can make a "fun" event out of getting things done and have people there with you sharing in the experience, doing work isn't so bad.

Those, I think, are the best bits of advice I can give. If you're wondering where it's coming from: I'm currently a grad student who still loses days to the seductive call of being on the internet, but who has gotten just a little bit better about it than he used to be.

[Zweisteine]

Edit: Issue resolved.

[Grinner]

Do you not wish to post personal information for all and sundry to see? Or do you not trust any of us, period?

In the former case, find somebody to PM.

In the latter case, hire a therapist.

[Zweisteine]

Edit: Issue resolved.

[dehro]

unless you work for the *insert secret service organisation of your country* or plan to give somebody your real name, bank account details etc etc, I'm pretty confident that whatever you can say about yourself in a PM, especially to someone at the other end of the world (and there's a few of us around no matter where you type from), isn't going to put you, your identity and your real life in any kind of danger.
unless by "would say too much about me" what you're really afraid of is judgement, whether from an anonymous nobody over the net or someone close to you. (the latter would still not happen)

[Chen]

I encountered the ultimate problem for the Advisors of the thread:

I need advice with a problem. I know nobody with whom I may speak of this issue. I do not trust the Internet with information about my life. What do I do?

Go to a professional in your area. If you're a student schools usually have councilors and the like that can help. If you're not a student whatever place you'd go to for mental health issues is probably the best bet for finding someone similar to talk to.

[WarKitty]

I hate people sometimes.

Well, some people.

I hate dealing with mental illness. More than that, I hate being judged on mental illness. I hate being treated like my mental illness is the determining factor of my abilities. Especially when I've just barely been able to get it treated. I don't like feeling like if I can't make the right impression right now, I get written off. I don't like feeling that I have to sacrifice my health so I can work. I don't like feeling like I'm expected to sacrifice my education and my dreams, because at least I could get working at some job sooner that way - and anyway who expects people like me to succeed? I don't like feeling like my hopes and desires and values are up for discussion and maybe "treatment" if someone thinks they're part of my mental illness. I don't like having my anger and frustration dismissed because I'm sick. I don't like being treated like I can't be reliable about how other people are acting, because I have mental health problems.

I feel like I'm in a world that wants to punish me for having mental illness.

[Coidzor]

Twelve Gods know I've had similar thoughts and feelings before. Wish I could tell you a strategy which has worked for me in dealing with that.

[Grytorm]

I broke down crying at the end of my math final because there is a good chance I will fail because for the last several weeks I pretty much did no schoolwork but apparently before I pretty much stopped doing anything I had the best grade in the class.

[Grinner]

College or high school?

Edit: If you're in high school, you may be in the clear anyway.

If you're in college, well, you wouldn't be the first to retake a course. I imagine you're a pretty good student anyway, judging by how much you care.

[Grytorm]

College. Part of the reason I had a high grade was that Matrices which were covered in the first half were simple enough for me to get right away and not have to deal with studying.

[Moriwen]

College. Part of the reason I had a high grade was that Matrices which were covered in the first half were simple enough for me to get right away and not have to deal with studying.

Did you have any particular reason for quitting? Because if you did, professors can be very understanding, especially if you were a good student before. (And for the record, "I'm struggling with depression and wasn't able to function" counts as a good reason. "I felt like partying instead" isn't.)

[Mhelisis]

edited out

[WarKitty]

Amusing. A child who probably hasn't had any problems bigger then "mommy won't let me get a tattoo" thinking to give advice. There's real problems out there in the world, kiddo, and I'll bet most of us here have done more with our lives than you have despite them. I'm hardly ashamed of having a few more problems than the average person, and I'm very grateful for the lovely folk here at gitp and the community we have.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Don't worry. I've let the proper people know.

[WarKitty]

Seriously, though...troll aside, I really do love you guys. And I swear I haven't had any alcohol.

[TaiLiu]

Seriously, though...troll aside, I really do love you guys. And I swear I haven't had any alcohol.

Aw. Group hug?

[WarKitty]

Aw. Group hug?

Only if I can distribute virtual kittens to go with the group hug.

*covers thread in kittens*

[TaiLiu]

Only if I can distribute virtual kittens to go with the group hug.

*covers thread in kittens*

Free kittens for everyone!

[Haluesen]

Do I get to join in the kitten-fest/group hug? *cute eyes*

And congrats for the banishment of the troll!

[SaintRidley]

Perhaps the troll is putting out a cry for help regarding its poor spelling.

I'd recommend you be cool and stay in school so you don't become a pitiable fool, little troll.

[Serpentine]

Heeeey Stoner_Princess, you seem cool. You should come hang out in our Facebook group and teach us your ways


(I don't come in here much so getting in on the group hug would be a bit presumptuous. Have a comradely shoulder pat, instead)

[Grytorm]

Did you have any particular reason for quitting? Because if you did, professors can be very understanding, especially if you were a good student before. (And for the record, "I'm struggling with depression and wasn't able to function" counts as a good reason. "I felt like partying instead" isn't.)

No particularly good reason. Stupid video games. I do have emotional but I think that it is likely an outcome of my difficulty in school and not the source.

One thing I want to say is that I think I post here so I can just talk a little about it less that I am looking for advice. I know I have serious problems and but they are not complex ones.

Also on the matter of friends I wasn't very good at making them in high school, a few people that I shared hobbies with could qualify as friends but I didn't think of them really as friends. My biggest problem I think with friends (stupid i before e) is that I don't know how to keep in contact with people after meeting them, I make a good to weird first impression then I don't really know what to do after.

Edit: Also on the matter of kittens if you see my cat could you send her back home? I know we have a new dog and it is summer but it would be nice to see her in a few days.