More Funny D&D Stories

[Solamnicknight]

I have one from my newly started Dragonlance campaign.

Spoiler: The party

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My character (there are only four of us)NG Kapak sorcerer that will probably muticlass into bard. A CN human warlock whose patron is his chaos tainted Solamnic ancestor A hippie/magical Native American centaur druid, and an Elf oracle based on the underground elf society from Riverwind The Plainsman

Spoiler: The story

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So, the party has entered a dungeon under the ruins of the Academy of High Sorcery, tasked with retrieving a book that contains info that a local sorcerer believes will help the sorcerers gain an edge in an impending war with the Wizards Conclave. So they get to this massive cavern and thanks to an impressive interrogation of a hobgoblin know a hill giant lives there. Then they notice two wriggling burlap sacks uncomfortably close to a large fire pit. Hearing the giant rummaging for his knives and the muffled cries from the sacks, the oracle comes up with a brilliant rescue plan. He has my Kapak hang back and cast an image of a face in the giants fire Wizard of Oz style. Then the weird elf in strange robes wearing tinted goggles (his race lives underground and is sensitive to light) steps forward and starts yelling "GIANT HAND OVER THE PRISONERS OR FACE THE WRATH OF SIRRION! YOU HAVE DEFIED THE FIRELORD'S DOGMA!" Illusion in the fire angrily glares at the giant. "THE FLESH MUST BE PROPERLY COOKED BEFORE BEING EATEN!" "I MUST TAKE WHOEVER IS IN THE SACKS TO BE PROPERLY SACRIFICED IN THE CLEANSING FLAME OF THE FIRELORD!" bluff check because Sirrion's (the Dragonlance god of fire) dogma is NOTHING like this. He bests the giant easily being that its a hill giant and they're dumb as rocks. My kapak keeps the illusion staring at the giant while the sacks are grabbed by the centaur and warlock characters. And that's how my dragonlance party bested a giant with cleverness and rescued a Solamnic knight and black robe wizard we encountered earlier. Mind you I was expecting them to beat the snot out of the giant! Needless to say I am proud of my players.

[Waldmarschallin]

Well, my most recent funny moment was having my druid's animal companion grapple a dragon, then casting stone shape to open the floor about 6 feet under his hindquarters- enough to get the hips in the new pit, and then casting another stone shape to enclose the stone above his hips while my snake buddy bailed. Then cast spike growth for good measure to make getting out that much more difficult- it may not have gotten through his dr but I made sure to have them point downwards so his pushing up would augment their effect and at the very least create more friction. This was like the 4th straight quest I was able to resolve without killing anybody.

A much more intense one concerns the gnome temple raider of Olidamharra known as Kehle Shabby Weasel-Garden the Jolly Regina Who is Frequently Unearthed. Heeeee... Wore rakish studded leather (studded with weasel teeth), a stolen, inside-out bishop's mitre over a flowery bonnet, and an oversized bandolier for his many, many grenade weapons. Eventually his weapons of choice were two nagaikas from MotW- just like whips but do 1d6 damage and can do lethal, but they had to be smaller- one small sized, and the other even smaller for offhand. As a gnome he couldn't carry his alchemist's lab/grenade making box with him so he had a small red wagon to pull it. As for his behavior...

Well, he had arrangements with both the church of Olidhamarra and the Gnomish Museum, his particular objective was to record (for anthropology!) the reactions of different sects to temple raiding, but he had reasons for joining an adventuring party too. Namely that he had been in a group marriage that had ended badly, and he had been told by a fake fortune teller that someone in the party was one of his long-lost spouses in disguise. (To keep this going I made sure to put NO points in sense motive), and he was desperate to begin winning his family back in the only way he knew- acting as wackily as I could conceive of (sleeping taped to the ceiling, spending lots of time in the lab with strange noises...) without injuring the plot, and by rolling a d4 every session to determine which of the other 4 players he took to be one of his spouses that given day, and dramatically flatter them and ask what he had to do to regain their love. (As he thought they were disguised, I would have him reverse the gender of the character- i.e. if it was a man he would think it was one of his ex-wives in disguise and if they played a woman he would think she was one of his husbands). He would then give them a free grenade of their choice with kisses, and at low levels alchemical stuff can kind of matter. Then we got an alchemist's fire spout, and he became even more important.

As a Rogue-Ranger-Temple Raider, he was weirdly diverse, but it helped that I had rolled the best ability gen of my life. With his 15 foot reach trip attacks, the next feat to take would have been Combat reflexes, though being small and wielding small weapons wasn't the best idea for that. However, due to gnomish con scores and some bad luck on other party members, he had by far the most hp of anyone in the group while being no slouch in melee- nothing longer range than a thunderstone, which meant he was usually the party blocker as well as being the trap monkey. As a Temple Raider he had the ability to prep as much healing as the party druid ever chose to, and if he had hit lvl 11 before the campaign ended, he would have gotten access to Chaos Hammer, allowing the party rogue to be also the tank, secondary healer, and provide magical artillery. My best jack-of-all-trades build ever.

The best bit of the funny was that it could have been turned off whenever the GM wanted to merely by having one of his ex-spouses actually turn up

[Waldmarschallin]

I have one from my newly started Dragonlance campaign.

Spoiler: The party

Show

My character (there are only four of us)NG Kapak sorcerer that will probably muticlass into bard. A CN human warlock whose patron is his chaos tainted Solamnic ancestor A hippie/magical Native American centaur druid, and an Elf oracle based on the underground elf society from Riverwind The Plainsman

Spoiler: The story

Show

So, the party has entered a dungeon under the ruins of the Academy of High Sorcery, tasked with retrieving a book that contains info that a local sorcerer believes will help the sorcerers gain an edge in an impending war with the Wizards Conclave. So they get to this massive cavern and thanks to an impressive interrogation of a hobgoblin know a hill giant lives there. Then they notice two wriggling burlap sacks uncomfortably close to a large fire pit. Hearing the giant rummaging for his knives and the muffled cries from the sacks, the oracle comes up with a brilliant rescue plan. He has my Kapak hang back and cast an image of a face in the giants fire Wizard of Oz style. Then the weird elf in strange robes wearing tinted goggles (his race lives underground and is sensitive to light) steps forward and starts yelling "GIANT HAND OVER THE PRISONERS OR FACE THE WRATH OF SIRRION! YOU HAVE DEFIED THE FIRELORD'S DOGMA!" Illusion in the fire angrily glares at the giant. "THE FLESH MUST BE PROPERLY COOKED BEFORE BEING EATEN!" "I MUST TAKE WHOEVER IS IN THE SACKS TO BE PROPERLY SACRIFICED IN THE CLEANSING FLAME OF THE FIRELORD!" bluff check because Sirrion's (the Dragonlance god of fire) dogma is NOTHING like this. He bests the giant easily being that its a hill giant and they're dumb as rocks. My kapak keeps the illusion staring at the giant while the sacks are grabbed by the centaur and warlock characters. And that's how my dragonlance party bested a giant with cleverness and rescued a Solamnic knight and black robe wizard we encountered earlier. Mind you I was expecting them to beat the snot out of the giant! Needless to say I am proud of my players.

Finding nonlethal endings is always fun and makes it even easier to reuse antagonists. might even help the story long run. Sounds cool

[Solamnicknight]

Finding nonlethal endings is always fun and makes it even easier to reuse antagonists. might even help the story long run. Sounds cool

Agreed. Also as a DM I like to see characters come up with creative solutions to problems. This also makes a a rules light DM since half the time I can't keep the more complex rules straight anyway. I like to see the story come before mechanics basically. Also that black robe they rescued had been defeated by the party earlier and they used smart tactics.

[goto124]

I can imagine a DM who would get angry at the players 'derailing' the campaign. Though that DM shouldn't be playing a tabletop probably.

[Solamnicknight]

I can imagine a DM who would get angry at the players 'derailing' the campaign. Though that DM shouldn't be playing a tabletop probably.

That's why I tend to put story over rules and leave room for changes based on character choice for good or ill.

[Lank]

Mine probably isn't as funny as all of these but I had a good laugh at it.
I was DMing a D&D 5e Encounters campaign, the players are a mix of experienced players and total newbies. We are currently at level 2.
After walking through a dungeon they had not had any combat just yet and have only hit a few traps. They were a little bit battered still very strong.
One of my characters was a lawful evil level 2 fighter. He had taken the most damage and was just over half health. The party then walke into a large room. A man in a black cloak stood before them. He had a glaive on his back and refused to show his back. The man said "Come here I have a proposition for you" in a really sinister voice followed by a cackling laugh.
The whole party stayed back and weren't going near this guy except for our LE Fighter. He had made a deal with a necromancer in the past and it paid off for him so I guess he thought he repeat his luck. The player specificly told me that he stands 10ft away from the cloaked man. Obviously he had forgotten that I said this man had a glaive and he proceeded to attack the LE Fighter.
Cloaked Man had multiattack and made two attacks with his glaive. First strike was a crit but only did 9 damage, the second strike to my surprise and the players horror was also a crit and did 18 damage to the player for a total damage of 27 on an already weakened fighter.
I tend to go into graphic detail when i kill a player and this was no exception. The first strike removed his left arm, the second sliced him cleanly in half at the waist. The fighter's last words were "Hold my stuff" (he assumes the necromancer will ressurect him).
The party watched in horror as their companion fell to the floor. The Cloaked Man cackled at the sight.
The funny thing is that one of my newbie players has gotten into their head that as she is playing as a barbarian she assume they will always survive because of her high hp. It was a bit of a wake up call for the newbie players.
The DM has a taste for blood now

[ironsnake345]

Ok, I've posted enough of these that I think I oughta go over our characters again. If you want story, though, check out the rest of my posts. *ahem*

Spoiler: characters

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Brocc (Me): Gnome Wizard with an 18 int and a thing for attack magic. The only original party member of the group. Never been replaced, but has died twice. Currently insane, and has to lug around a card table. (which thankfully isn't very big)

James: Gnome (I think) sorcerer. Used to be a pirate, and has gone on to be a rather quiet sorcerer with a thing for ray of frost. Always looking for a shard of glass for one of his spells, but never finds one. The player who has died most; James is his fifth character.

Syrinden: Human paladin. Fervently LG, but has been talked into doing sliiiiightly chaotic things by Brocc. Keeps his party alive and kicking as well as possible. So short he is occasionally mistaken for a dwarf. His player's second character; first was an insanely fast monk.

Dinten: Elf ranger. Might have turned evil. Deadly with his bow, like you wouldn't believe. Owns enchanted shortswords, and has crazy insane bonuses with them. Not good at being friendly. His player has had other characters, but I forget them entirely.

Marcellus: halfling priest of war. (cleric archetype) Wields a rapier and shield, like in dark souls. Excellent in combat, and has been good at keeping Brocc's table repaired. His player's third character; second was a hilarious dwarf bard named Osric, first was Brocc's rival, a human wizard named Shela.

Ashir: Human fighter 1 / Wizard 2. Childish and a bit odd. Loves prestidigation, and stabbing. Was great friends with a boy from the desert village, who was named Abu. Abu is dead now. His player's fourth character; third was a younge halfling rogue of unidentifiable gender named leverus, second was a female human bard named fay, Osric's best friend and in total contrast with him, first was Severus, a human fighter who considered himself a paladin without paladin powers. (He's CG...)

The funny thing is, all these funny moments happened in the same combat. we got attacked by some mummy/zombies, who are led by the mummified versions of Dulcime and Abu. You need to do some reading to figure out who those are. (my last post says who Dulcime is) anyway, here they are.

Spoiler: the dice... THE DICE!!!

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brocc is being attacked by a mummy/zombie throughout the entire combat. Throughout the combat, the zombie never misses brocc. In fact, it crits him every time it attacks. Brocc's fine, though, it's only doing 2 damage, which is the minimum for a 5th ed crit. Wow. That mummy/zombie is precise, but weak.

Spoiler: I'm so happy to see you-AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!

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You know how I said Abu was one of the mummies? Well, when Ashir saw Abu "alive," he was OVERJOYED. So, the DM is going around having us all make our special ravenloft-issue horror saves, and when it's Ashir's turn, he just immediately says "I CHARGE ABU AND HUG HIM!!!" Now, a lot of DM's wouldn't let this fly, but the thing about our DM is if you do something in-character which would substitute, you can get out of a save. Usually this would just be an in-character horrified reaction to something (see brocc running through a cave with Shela's arms) but in this case it had nothing to do with being afraid at all. Regardless, though, it was damn-near inspiration-worthy. Ashir did everything he could when Abu was pulled under the sand by mummy/zombies, and seeing Abu here, he just charges Abu and hugs him. So, anyway, our DM allows this, and Ashir manages to dodge all the attacks of opportunity and crit his save against Abu's paralyzing gaze. (Yes, Abu and Dulcime are full-fledged mummies) You'd think this wouldn't last very long, but the dice gods wanted otherwise, and Abu keeps on getting nat 1's on his attack rolls to hit a very affectionate Ashir. Eventually, after a failed attempt to pick up Abu and spin him around, Abu finally manages to get a hit in... A critical hit. Ashir is DOWN. ...With mummy rot.

Spoiler: finally, we can use our OOC knowledge!

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Brocc, seeing that Dulcime and Abu are being really big nuissances to the whole party, decides to ignore the weak-critting zombie on him and blast Dulcime with his strongest spell: scorching rays. After everyone in our party spent five sessions asking if we can ask if mummies fear fire. Now that Brocc has reason to, things get real. He fires his rays, and guess what? All 3 hit. That's a total of 6D6. Wait... I'm sorry, I forgot that I'm attacking a mummy. I meant to write 12D6!!! thankfully, Dinten's player happens to have a massive collection of D6's, so Brocc grabs a handful, rolls, and after a minute of counting we settle on... 40 damage. From a level 3 character.
Oh, and Brocc's reaction to seeing Dulcime ERUPT into flame? It goes as follows: *looks down at hands*

Spoiler: I thought you were dead!

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So, the combat is at its end and Brocc goes up and stabilizes syrinden. Syrinden has just failed 2 death saves in a row, and now he's one skull away from dying. Brocc rolls medicine check: 2. DM: "You think he's dead. Syrinden! roll death save." He critted it, meaning that he instantly rises with 1 hit point. In other words, Brocc just came up pronounced syrinden dead, and then Syrinden got up right in front of him. Reminds me of a real-life soldier who was wounded so bad that the doctor no-joke pronounced him dead, and to prove the doctor wrong, he no-joke spat in his face as he was being put in a body bag. anyway, Brocc was understandably paralyzed with fear by this.

Spoiler: Tyr man!

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Marcellus: "Can I pray to set for divine intervention in prevening their mummy rot?" DM: "Well, evil gods do usually respond to that because then you belong to them, but that would be REALLY out of character for you." Marcellus: "Yeah, you're right. I'm not ready to rewrite my character. I just wish I could pray to Tyr." Ashir: "Well, this is ravenloft. Tyr isn't here; only set." Syrinden: "I bring Tyr here!" *laugh break*

DM: "So, what, you just REACH UP INTO THE SKY, and pull tyr down to help us..." Marcellus: "Or, better, yet, you just go off to some phone booth and change into your Tyr costume, with like a T on your torso!"

There's also a cool story about narrowly avoiding losing two characters to mummy rot, but that's more fitting for a cool D&D moments forum. Besides, I need to go to bed. Good night, everyone, see you in X number of weeks!

[Belac93]

Just yesterday me and my friends decided to start a homebrew 5e campaign, where we can be any of the 30+ races that I have made or collected in the past little while
One of my friends decides he wants to make a kangaroo race, the other one decides to be a gnome, and I'm a goblin. The kangaroo names his species the Plumethaythes. His characters name is Radondabicular Lenwarfenzaknerpoflen, the fighter. He talks in an Australian accent. The Gnome ranger refuses to say his name, and rides an ugly swamp pig. My character is a sorcerer
So the first session begins with Radondabicular coming into the town of red larch, to find warriors to bring back to the other Plumethaythes, and the gnome riding his pig in. Fast forward to later, and they are in a tavern talking and hear screaming outside. They walk outside and see a little ball of flaming rags running around screaming, Radondabicular throws his axe and misses, then the ball of rags trips and face plants in the dirt, revealing itself to be a goblin, wearing nothing but socks, he screams, sees a gnome (which he is afraid of) and immediately runs to the Plumethaythe, latches onto him, looks up and proclaims "I'm a smart goblin!" then runs and tries to eat the pig, who kicks him into a pig trough, where he says "Ma nams Drubbus Dogcooker, I'm onna quest!". meanwhile, the other players are laughing themselves onto the floor, they eventually decide to join him on his quest.

[Belac93]

Again, same group with Drubbus, we came across a caravan while we were traveling along a road, and the guards of the caravan said "goblins are vile and despicable creatures that should be eradicated as soon as possible." as soon as they finished talking Drubbus started lecturing them on the importance of not judging a book by its cover, he rolled persuasion
"20"
The guards were so sorry for being mean, that they gave him a goat as an apology, which he now rides, and they continued on their quest.

[Hypername]

Pathfinder Way of the Wicked AP

We board the ship to reach the place where our mission would take place. The crew is full of proud warriors. Since all of the party is made up of 4 LE PCs one tries to command the captain to let him take his horse aboard.

PC: The horse is coming with us
Cap: We don't have enough space to take it with us
PC: I DON'T CARE, THROW ONE OF YOUR SAILORS OVERBOARD IF YOU MUST.
GM: Intimidate check
*rolls a 1*
GM: All sailors are pissed off and are coming at you
Me, playing a Dhampir Inquisitor of Asmodeus, take the situation in my hands
Me: EVERYONE BACK OFF NOW, OR YOU ARE FINISHED. OOC: I show them my fangs
GM: Roll for intimidate
I go for the roll and I get a 32 (18 on the dice + 14 from the skill)
GM: The sailors try to jump off the ship out of fear
Meanwhile OOC the other PCs and the GM after seeing the result

[CantigThimble]

(5e D&D)

When our party was attacked by an Owlbear we saw the picture in the monster manual and thought it was adorable, so after the fight we carefully skinned it and has it stuffed so now it's a giant plush owlbear. We nicknamed him 'Huggy' and put on shows for children using him.

When going through our treasure collection:
DM: ... the drow statuette is worth 17gp, oh, and the stuffed owlbear-
Me: Let me stop you right there, I think we should roleplay this. I'm going to make an insight check to determine what my character thinks Huggy is worth. I'm going to use my channel divinity (cleric of knowledge) to remove my proficiency in insight.
Player 2: I'll use the assist action to give him disadvantage.
Player 3: Me too.
*Rolls three d20s*
Me: Thats a natural 1, what does my character think Huggy is worth?
DM: ...Huggy is priceless.

[Inevitability]

This happened this afternoon, and I felt like I just had to share it.

The party was on their own ship in the middle of the ocean, and they had just discovered that the kobold companion they took along was, in fact, the BBEG in disguise. After some decent surprise attacks, he disappeared.

The party had their entire crew of bugbears (don't ask) search the ship, but nothing turned up. Not a trace of the villain was left, and the players were getting pretty worried. At that moment, the monk says something I never expected.

Monk: I count the bugbears.
Me:
Monk:
Me: You *sigh* discover that there seems to be one more bugbear than last time you saw them. However, you do not know which one is new!
Rogue: I separate them, then command each to count to ten in their native language.
Me: Well, they... wait. Did I really not... Well, I guess you discover one of them doesn't speak Goblin. Roll for initiative, I guess.

[Hypername]

This happened this afternoon, and I felt like I just had to share it.

The party was on their own ship in the middle of the ocean, and they had just discovered that the kobold companion they took along was, in fact, the BBEG in disguise. After some decent surprise attacks, he disappeared.

The party had their entire crew of bugbears (don't ask) search the ship, but nothing turned up. Not a trace of the villain was left, and the players were getting pretty worried. At that moment, the monk says something I never expected.

Monk: I count the bugbears.
Me:
Monk:
Me: You *sigh* discover that there seems to be one more bugbear than last time you saw them. However, you do not know which one is new!
Rogue: I separate them, then command each to count to ten in their native language.
Me: Well, they... wait. Did I really not... Well, I guess you discover one of them doesn't speak Goblin. Roll for initiative, I guess.

Example of what high wisdom is.

[Yukitsu]

Me in shadowrun.

DM: So, you've spoofed your ID as a substitute teacher, they've called you in to be a physics teacher.
Me: I have a logic stat of 1 and am not trained in that.
Player 1: Why are you sneaking in as a teacher?
Me: I was supposed to be their PE teacher.
Player 2: Low blow man.

Player 1: I mean, it's just things like triangles and stuff.
Me: I'm terrible at those too.
Player 1: So I guess you're bad at geometry too then.
Me: Yeah, I could never figure out where countries were either.
Player 1: And geography and language arts. Did you pass anything?
Me: PE.

DM: OK, so yeah, you and the target just leave together.
Me: OK, gimme a minute, I didn't think we were gonna succeed this hard, I figured the school would be on fire, the target half dead with a squad of elite guards after me.
Player 1: There's still time for that.
Me: School's gonna be locked up, too late to light it on fire, unless you have some napalm bombs and a chopper.
Player 1: Nope.
Me: Too late then.

Player 1: You've spent three times more money on stuff for your job here than you're going to get paid.
Me: Yeah, but the clothes here are so pretty and I can use them off the job.
Player 1: You're buying our hostage a 10 thousand nuyen dress.
Me: Well yeah, but she doesn't know she's my hostage, and look, we have matching outfits now!

----After the job:
DM: So they call you in to do more substitute teaching.
Me: But... but we're supposed to be done here.
DM: They're paying more than you got paid for the job.
Me: ...Fine.
DM: That person you kidnapped is pretty happy that you're still teaching there.

[ironsnake345]

Well, this is the last session in our campaign. I'm still planning on doing more D&D at some point, but for now, the school group is out of stuff to roleplay. Still had some very noteworthy moments. I plan on joining another campaign next school year, and I know a girl I could join up with over the summer, but other than that I'm out of roles to play. Still, I'm going to be holding on to Brocc. I'm definitely using him next year! Anyway, moments.

Spoiler: story

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So, we have been trekking through the desert and we made it to a canyon. Our guide, with life in mind, abandons us and we get attacked by a bunch of really mangy two-headed disease-dogs on our way down the canyon. Eventually we come to the tomb of Ankh-Depot, the evil pharaoh guy who supposedly is causing all this trouble. We search the place, and the only noteworthy things we come across are a giant pillar structure depicting every single god in Egyptian lore, a bunch of rooms full of old decayed furniture which we make a burnable bonfire trap out of, a series of tombs full of sarcophagi where a mummy attacks us and we find a non-animated mummy who, after casting legend lore from a scroll, we find out is Ankh-Depot's favorite wife. She's holding half of an Ankh, the other half is broken off. We decide to take the Ankh and find its other half. Oop, forgot to mention the fourth noteworthy thing. It was a giant room with an enormous statue of, presumably, Ankh-Depot, surrounded by some other smaller statues of women and some of his guards. Also, in that room, we find a hidden passageway. It leads to a place with two sarcophagi and a staircase down. I'll explain what more is there later.

Spoiler: Glorious sidechatter: the final chapter.

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So, that room I talked about with the two sarcophagi and the staircase? The sarcophagi are facing each other and guarding the staircase, and the first time one of us steps through, they open up, huge 8-foot mummies step out, growl at us incredibly loudly, and step back into and close their sarcophagi. After that happened, we get people trying to sneak past them, and this happens: Brocc: "I'm coming too! I'm great at sneaking!" Marcellius: "You're NOT coming with us. You're terrible with stealth, and you'll die as soon as anything happens!" Brocc: "No I won't! I have a 21 max HP and I'm not even wounded!" Marcellius: "YOU'RE A WIZARD!!!" Brocc: "I'm a wizard ROGUE!!!" Marcellius: "You're a rogue!?!" Ashir: "Since when did you become a rogue?!?" Brocc: "Since Ravenloft allowed me to level up on the way here!" (DM's words.) Brocc: "Besides, I have plus 6 stealth! How about you?" Marcellius: "...I have plus 5..." Dinten: Brocc, you're carrying a table around. I don't trust your stealth!" Brocc: "Come on! I'm great at stealth!" Dinten: "Brocc, If I remember correctly, you mentioned that the last time you tried being stealthy, your friend died." DM: "I'm sorry, I'm just laughing too hard at that table thing. Could you imagine, like, solid snake if he had to just lug a table around everywhere? Or just going down a hallway and there are zombies on the other side, dragging the table on the ground, like bbbrreeeeeeeeeeekkk... 'ssshhhh... be reeeeeeeeally quiet, guys.' " That's all I remember before we continued on.

Spoiler: the dice show us pity!

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So, the sarcophagi open up a second time and the guard mummies are angry now. During that time, we get this little gem: DM: "Alright, so Brocc makes his fear save, and the mummy... (roll) Nat-1's to kill Marcellius. C'mon, blue d20, you roll twenties almost every time without fail. Now you give me a nat-1?" Brocc: "THE DICE ARE SHOWING MERCY!!!"

Spoiler: Wrong die!

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Brocc: "I cast hold undead!" DM: "Didn't you only have the one scroll?" Brocc: "Yeah, but didn't it have multiple charges?" DM: "yeah, but you used one of those on legend lore. It evaporated when you cast hold undead last time." Brocc: "Crap... Alright, I throw a dart." DM: "Alright, roll it." Brocc: "ok. (roll) ... Eigh-that's a D12." The whole rest of that session, we kept on accidentally rolling D-8's. It was amazing.

Spoiler: DAMMIT JAAAAAAMES!!!

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This really describes the climactic ending to the campaign. So, we got down those stairs, and we meet Isu, the evil cultist of Set, and she's ressurected one of the evil pharaoh guy's princes, who happens to be even bigger and tougher than those guard mummies. I've dubbed him a mega mummy. James happens to have a scroll of level 5 fireball, which Brocc, being an evoker, can cast and bend entirely around the party members up close fighting Isu and the mega mummy. Brocc implores James to hand over the scroll, because he can bend the magic and safely destroy Isu and the mega mummy. James refuses and holds onto the scroll. Dinten: "Just give him the damn scroll! We're all dead anyway!" (at this point, everyone's unconsious except me, James, and Dinten, who only just got smacked by the mega mummy. James, when his turn, decides to launch the scroll himself and use careful spell to half damage to all but one of our teammates, as opposed to Brocc leaving them unharmed. This instantly burns Syrinden to ashes, somewhat-indirectly kills Marcellius and ashir, and incinerates Isu and critically wounds the mega mummy. Brocc: "NOOOOOOOO!!! JAMES, YOU IDIOT!!! YOU DESERVE ALL THAT THIS MUMMY DOES TO YOU!!!" At this point, Brocc runs off and leaves James to the wrath of the mummy. Yep, James dies. Brocc tries to kite the mummy over to the bonfire trap, and Dinten manages to crit his death save and sneak up behind the mummy. However, the mummy takes a few minutes to rest, and at this point we haven't yet surmised that mummies can regenerate health in character, but Brocc will have that feeling in his next quest. Anyway, after a rest, the mummy chases after Brocc, who manages to perfectly light the bonfire trap in time to burn the mummy, but it's already as burnt as it will ever be and the fire has no effect. Dinten joins in, and the two smack the mummy for a bit. The mummy notices the ankh that Dinten is holding after knocking Brocc down, (we found the other half in one of the guard mummies' sarcophagi) and beats Dinten and takes it. Brocc crits is death save and gets up without the mummy noticing, and stabilises Dinten sneakily. Then, Brocc sneaks after the mummy and follows it deeper into the secret chambers than anyone has gone yet, and into a room with a big mural of the sea in the sunrise, as well as a large, gilded egyptian boat facing it. The mega mummy boards the boat, the sound of a gong is heard, and it dismounts the boat. Another mega mummy leaves the boat, holding a golden scepter and an ankh. This, clearly, is Ankh-Depot. Ankh-Depot sees his son trying to overthrow him, and the two throw down. A hoard of other mummies join in the fight, and everyone fighting migrates towards one of the room's far walls from where Brocc is. Meanwhile, Brocc notices that the mural is getting awfully realistic, almost like you could step into it... and the boat is floating. Brocc gets an idea; call it what you will, divine intuition, a dead character yelling at him OOC; and scrambles aboard the floating boat. While the mummies are fighting, the boat carries Brocc up, flies into the mural, and Brocc ends up floating down some river somewhere. DM: "Congratulations, Brocc. You have escaped Ravenloft. Also, everyone else is dead." In the end, everyone else got eaten by mummies. Call me a coward if they will, I've brought my character on from the very beginning of this quest. Brocc: not only the only remaining original party member of the group, but the only survivor. And thus, the campaign comes to an end.

And that's the end of the campaign. We'll see how things progress from now on, but worry not, dungeoneers. there will be plenty more funny moments to be had by all! Until next time!

[Belac93]

A character I made was a tiefling rogue, she was a kleptomaniac, but also the most generous person alive. She would steal the other players water skins one day, but the next give them a flame-tongue sword for free.

[Bard1cKnowledge]

So in the very first solo game for someone I ran, it was for a 300 pound barbarian half orc (named Utdyr) that was carrying 100 pounds of junk. The first encounter was a bunch of cultists in a bar.

Utdyr: I jump on one and ride him like a horse
Me: Alright? Make me acrobatics?

*rolls a nat 1*

Me:you fail to jump on him, in fact, you trip, sending over 400pounds of half orc on the guy *rolls a d8* nearly killing him

[Drakonwriter]

Character: Cheery Littlebottom, Dwarf Rogue and rip-off of the dwarf of the same name in Terry Pratchett's Discworld.
The first time I played D&D, I almost set the record for fastest death in the group by whacking a dire wolf in the head with a hammer. I was dragged back and healed. Shortly thereafter, I attempted to threaten a bartender into letting me buy into his bar, was beaten up by him and told to get out, and then I shot him in the head. Instant kill.
You'd think I'd need a new character after that, but surprisingly no. My character was being held by the arms while the city guard was summoned. I distracted them by yelling out to the party's wizard and then kicking both of my captors in the crotch at the same time.
They dropped me and I ran into the street just in time to meet the guards. Being a dwarf and having a speed of 25, I couldn't outrun them, so I grabbed one of them and yelled to the others to back off or he would die.
They slowed down and told me that I didn't have to do this, and my hostage was begging to be let go and telling me he had a family. I told him that if he shut up he'd get out of this alive.
Worth mentioning is that the bartender was a friend of the party's barbarian, and she was rallying the people into a lynch mob to get me. If the guards didn't get me, they would.
So, out of options, I came up with the daring plan to change my identity. I tried to shove my hostage into the other guards, but didn't roll high enough. Instead, I tripped him and started running for an alley with all the guards chasing.
A few turns in, I lost the guards for long enough to make it to the rooftops, and I ran across them until I managed to lose everyone for a moment, during which I executed my plan.
Cheery is a female dwarf, but on the Discworld dwarves are largely androgynous. With a quick shave to make a more masculine beard and hairstyle and the destruction of my chainmail, I was just a regular dwarf and absolutely not that murderer who went running that way, please catch her and make her pay for what she did.
And with that, I was found. As there was no denying a resemblance, I claimed to be Cheery's father, Beaky. Nobody was buying it, but I didn't have the same hair, my clothes were some that could be worn by anyone, and my chainmail had been trampled by the mob.
The lord of the land took me into custody and told the mob to go home. He arranged for a zone of truth to be cast, and for me to be questioned in it. If he found out I was lying I would have been executed on the spot.
And so I had to lie my way out of a zone of truth. Which I did.
This was only the beginning of that session, but because of it, I am now pretending to be someone else entirely. It was a hilarious game.

[Lavranzo]

At the brink of a huge battle, everything is silent. Our evil bard, who called himslef "the red harper", stands upon a cliff overlooking the battlefield. He raises his arms, as the priest of a church would do, when he blesses the church. Then he says the creepiest things, in the most eerie voice I've ever heard:
The Evil Bard: "This battle will be my masterpiece. The horrors of battle shall be accompanied by the ringing of warbells, the songs of dying screams, the drumming of blades upon shield and the thunder of thousandfold arrows whistling through the air, letting out a thump as they penetrate the bloodied armours of couragous men. I shall accompany this death's sonata, this requiem of life, possibly as my last action, and I shall be thrilled with every deathly moment of it. Now, friends, comes the day of the red harpers final piece."
DM:
Rest of the group:

Maybe not as fun as it was creepy, now that I think of it.

[illyahr]

At the brink of a huge battle, everything is silent. Our evil bard, who called himslef "the red harper", stands upon a cliff overlooking the battlefield. He raises his arms, as the priest of a church would do, when he blesses the church. Then he says the creepiest things, in the most eerie voice I've ever heard:
The Evil Bard: "This battle will be my masterpiece. The horrors of battle shall be accompanied by the ringing of warbells, the songs of dying screams, the drumming of blades upon shield and the thunder of thousandfold arrows whistling through the air, letting out a thump as they penetrate the bloodied armours of couragous men. I shall accompany this death's sonata, this requiem of life, possibly as my last action, and I shall be thrilled with every deathly moment of it. Now, friends, comes the day of the red harpers final piece."
DM:
Rest of the group:

Maybe not as fun as it was creepy, now that I think of it.

As the god of bards, I approve this post.

[Lavranzo]

As the god of bards, I approve this post.

That is an eerily similar character O_O

[Warlord_winters]

I have two stories today, my 1st two times playing. I don't really know how funny these are, but they're all I have right now.

1st Story
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My 1st time was in community collage about 5 years ago now, I was heading out one night and saw a poster for a teacher hosted " Weekly Game Night". MTG, Pokemon, D&D, etc. it was happening in...3 MINUTES, right down the hall?! I booked it. I made a beeline to the D&D table where the DM, just started explaining the basic rules. I can't remember which edition it was.

He had a stack of pre-made character sheets with a good balanced team to make it "easier" for us. I picked the Dwarf Fighter and named him Rudderbutt, his back story was one of a flatulence problem as a child when some raiders attacked his lakeside village. There was a Human Paladin, Corgan. A Half-Elf Ranger Captain Jack, yeah I dunno. and A Halfing Rouge, Shadowfoot. Our trial session was to head through a town, fighting rats, a pack of wolves, some people who tried to rob us and make our way to a tavern.

At the Inn we were met with the "BBEG" a hooded guy just causing ruckus and disrupting the other patrons. I wanted to calm him down and was getting ready to have the "Barkeep, gi' our new friend 'ere yer finest ale" but Shadowfoot decided to "Stab his ssssssstupid face".... So we found out he was a Necromancer and summoned about 50 skeletons, half with swords and with bows. We all died and the Tavern was leveled to the ground in the chaos. The DM said "GG we'll meet up same time next week." I actually had to move 2 weeks after this so I couldn't find any groups where I moved to.


2nd story
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Last Summer I finally found a group at my local College, it was really meant for students, which I wasn't, but they gave me a shot. and their hours where 7pm to 3am, so I couldn't make it to many games before I had to drop it. The DM wrote me in as a rescued Gnome Wizard, the party was 2 Half-Orc Druid Twins (twins in real life) a Drow Bow Ranger, a Human Cleric and a Half-Elf Monk.

A group of thugs kidnapped me from a local magic school because they thought I was a Leprechaun due to my red hair, I was a fire wizard, and played him as a very literal hot headed loud mouth. So after the pretty quick slaughter fest of thugs, and ransacking of their campsite for loot, The Gnome Wizard Meeps Joined their party.

We were headed to an abandoned Manor in the hills of a dark forest looking for clues of rumors of a evil cult summoning some god that would bring total destruction "blah blah blah" you know the rest. After a few wild animal encounter we made it to the house. We slowly walked around for a good 50 minutes before we triggered a trap that makes hundreds cat sized spiders come out of every nook and cranny in the house.

We held out pretty well for a few rounds before the Ranger rolled bad and shot the Cleric in the throat. We started retreating to a door down the hall, dragging the cleric but we had to leave him since he was slowing us down, the spiders quickly finished him off. We found the basement and went down. We later found out we were suppose to go up to the attic that had the portal back to town. Anyhoo one of the Druids trips going down the stairs and the Monk tries to jump over him and whacks his head on an overhead beam, the 2nd Druid turned into a bear and blocked the door, to "buy us time".

Me and the ranger made down alright, we decided to use the 2nd Druid and Monk on the stairs as our last line of defense barricade, since the Bear Druid was down. These spiders were vicious. For about 4 rounds it was a hurricane of fire balls and arrows, until the wall closest to the ranger gave out and spiders poured from the hole. I decided to just start spinning in circles shooting fire every which way....but alas. Our DM states "the basement was the storage room for roughly 50 barrels of gunpowder, the house ignites with a flash and rockets off its foundations 50 feet into the air, some of the explosion goes through the portal and sets fire to the towns orphanage, everyone dies" nobody was really mad at me because we were pretty much already dead. They started a new party in the same campaign based on what happened called The Orphengers, bringing justice to children everywhere.

and Thus ends my tales of D&D...for now. I just got invited to a new group yesterday :D stay tuned for my chaotic antics.

[Dragonhunter20]

So last year I went to college and formed a dnd group on my floor. Out of the 40 guys on the floor 18 of them joined the group and made characters. It was so much that one of the other guys and myself had to co-dm. This was my first time ever Dming and I eventually took over the management of the whole group. There were a few interesting moments.

Spoiler: Horror of a new DM

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During the first day of play the group split into 2 different factions, each going to retrieve a different item. The one I was watching over ran into some wolves in a cave, nothing challenging and was meant to get them use to combat and how it worked. When the battle was over one of the players looked at me (he had a very.... interesting personality) and asked if he could commit necrophiliac bestiality. Luckily the guy was a cleric and I informed him his deity would not like that and so he shrugged and moved on.

Spoiler: Stripey

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The other great moment was when they encountered a herd of zebra. One of the guys jumps up and cheers. He then asks to jump onto the back of a zebra. He makes a few rolls and proceeds to roll nothing less than a 17, even using different dice each time. After 5 min of this I give up and say he broke the zebra's will and it is now his pet. Stripey sits in the middle of their little fort eating only the best hay that gold can afford.

Spoiler: How to scare the players

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During a walk through the jungle the party (there were still about 8-10 members every session at this point ranging in level from 4-8) and encountered some lizard men. Without a second thought they jumped into action and attacked the lizard men. The shaman with them was having none of that and called out for his pet. The group laughed and asked what kind of pet he had. Before the session I had pulled up a sound bit of the t-rex roaring in Jurassic Park and placed hidden speakers around the table, set to max volume. I simply smiled at them and said you hear this behind you. Que sound bit. It caught them so off guard that one of the guys actually fell over in their chair. It was a tough battle but they were more than happy since they could scavenge all the teeth they could ever need.

[Rad Mage]

I had one session in a 4th ed. game where the dice hated me. None of my rolls hit/beat the DC/made the save. No natural one's just a long stream of unsuccessful attempts at whatever I was trying to do. The session came to a close, as I was putting away my dice I noticed my d20 wasn't on the table.

Turns out I was rolling my d12 all night.

[AGCIAS]

I just finished reading both “Funny D&D” threads so thought I might post (btw, I miss seeing Karoht here). So a few mildly amusing stories, chronologically:

I started RPGing with a bootleg playtest copy of Steve Jackson’s “The Fantasy Trip.” We were in a dungeon when a horde of orcs comes charging down the tunnel at us. “That’s okay,” my wizard says, “I have a scroll with ‘Wall’ on it (creates three hexes of stone wall).” When from the back of the party I hear the thief pushing forward yelling, “Sorry, sorry, I think I have that, it fell into my backpack, sorry, sorry.”

Another story from a friend, the guy who introduced me to RPGing and TFT. A certain unnamed game designer who was running a beta test group in an equally unnamed RPG had one player who … got up his nose. Finally he managed to kill the guy. Their thief (rogue) had crawled up a narrow tunnel into a round room with a plinth in the center. On top of it was a lump of coal. Hell, it HAD to be something good; it was so hard to get to. They kept trying to do things with it – no luck. Now their friend had died so they put it on his chest and said: “I wish he were alive again.” The GM spent two solid minutes cursing. THAT was what it did.

My current group complains bitterly about my punning. Sadly, this is nothing new. One of my first D&D adventures was in the Judge’s Guild module “Tagel Manor.” Behind the manor we found a cistern. I told everyone that I looked for brethren. Groans all around. Then the DM said that the back door was ajar. I tried to unscrew it. I was promptly informed by all involved that if I punning one more time, they would kill my character and throw me out of the game. I actually went without a pun for the rest of the session.

[Dunsparce]

Less of a story and more of a character.

In a 3.5 campaign I'm in, one of the players decided to play an awakened camel cleric obviously named Joe Camel. His smokes a lot and his character's goal is to teach the children of the world about the wonders of cigarette smoking. Unfortunately the biggest roadblock to his goal is not moral guardians stepping in, but his own crippling gambling addiction. whenever we get money, no matter how large or small the amount, he gambles it away for double or nothing until he has nothing left. One the plus side the DM gave him a custom Orison, Summon Smokes, so he can always have cigarettes on hand at least for himself.

[Bard1cKnowledge]

In the Mulmaster setting, during the breath of the yellow rose

When we *finally* got to the mansion, the barbarian asked if he could handle the diplomacy to get us in. He politely knocks on the door. When someone looked through the eye slot he just punched him, flew into a rage and jumped the fence.

Everyone else decided to pretend they didn't know him, I on the other hand was in charge of him (backstory, I hired him for the Harpers) so I used Command to make him return to my spot, the other players made a plan to "control him" and talk it out. they "slapped" some manacles on him and got him to go along long enough for something to go wrong.

The next combat he was in a standstill with a lvl 2 fighter in full plate, no one taking damage for 6 rounds

[Elandris Kajar]

This is my story. Our rouge rolls a one on pick pockets at first level. DM describes it thusly:

"You approach your mark stealthily. You tap her on the shoulder and say "excuse me, where is your purse? I plan to steal it."

[AGCIAS]

I had the great good luck to start D&D with a fantastic group. When we went to a con we were bitterly disappointed not to take first or second in both D&D and Traveller. In one con I missed they realized two and a half hours into a three-hour tournament that they had missed a clue at the beginning and turned the wrong way on entering the dungeon. In thirty minutes they went through the tournament, finished the last encounter and were working on the last puzzle when they ran out of time. In games we worked perfectly together but we, I will admit, sometimes had a tendency to overplan. We were resting in a wizard’s alchemical lab and our barbarian (from The Dragon magazine) thought we were taking too much time so, to protest our slowness, he grabbed and drank two unidentified potions. He took 36 points of damage from an internal explosion and got permanently ten feet tall with hill giant strength. From then on, when we were examining a door, he would pick up the hobbit thief, hold him against the door and say, “I check for traps.”

One of the guys who played with me when I started had begun with OD&D (before we met). He was a fighter and had an intelligent magic sword that constantly insulted him and the other party members, demanded that he add all gems the party found to its scabbard, refused to let him carry any other magic items and was generally a royal pain in the rear. Finally he found another magic sword and set the offending blade down against a wall, picked up the largest stone he could lift and used it to smash the sword. That was the end of the campaign. A later group exploring the same dungeon marveled at the miles of tunnels lined with green glass, all leading to a huge, spherical amphitheater.