More Funny D&D Stories

[xilokix]

My group at one point had our friend playing a rogue in Pathfinder. He manages to crit fail a 5 ft. jump between a ravine. Proceeds to slip on a banana peel and fall to his untimely demise. We all go for it and allow him to resurrected under some sort of bland reasoning. He comes back, climbing up the cliff. At that point he has assured himself that his character has come back as a zombie. He proceeds to arch out his hands and say "NomNomNom" and attack the party.
He died down the same ravine.

[Deathkeeper]

A few friends and I did a little two-session Pathfinder over the winter break at level 5. One of them was playing a nonviolent Archaeologist Bard. He was supposed to be a support caster/skillmonkey, but rolled bad on all of his trip attempts, and enemies saved on most of his spells. Except two things: Bluff and Perform. In town, he ran around doing Perform checks, and broke 30 every single time (total 6) due to never rolling lower than an 18. This garnered a rabid fanclub in the country's capital, and as per the CRB, a small following among the other Planes.
Later, in a fortress full of Necromancers, he managed to lure a guard into a room with a basic disguise he found in a Necro's bedroom and have the Ranger stealth-kill him. He then proceeds to yell "OH MY GOD SOMEONE'S DEAD" and rinse&repeat with ridiculous bluff rolls until three more Necromancers and their pet skeleton were dead. This he managed to do by holding their attention long enough for the KO despite having no knowledge of necromancy or their bosses (although the GM was laughing hard enough to make one of the random names he guessed an actual person. Even though said name was "Googlepus.")
He then managed to convince the second-in-command that he was a competent Necromancer. When questioned how, when he was clearly a bard, he responded with he uses music to lure victims in before killing them for sacrifices. He got a 20 on this, opposed by a 2 Sense Motive. Said second-in-command, who was in fact Lord Googlepus, proceeded to then distract an entire room we'd forgotten to clear by running around telling them that they should all learn to play an instrument. (I liked to think of it along the lines of Spongebob's "Hey All You People" number).
We then beat the stuffing out of the Wizard in charge, because we kept forcing him into high Concentration checks and suffered nothing but a pair of Acid Arrows.

[Kaveman26]

My friends and I were involved in a Dark Sun Campaign where we started as complete slaves. We were bound to the walls of a carriage with only loincloths as equipment...nothing else. We successfully slipped free of our bonds and managed to improvise our loincloths as slings. We managed to slip away into the night, but with no real equipment we did the only possible thing to carry water...we turned my half giant's loincloth into a waterskin. In retrospect slavery was probably a better option.

[Guizonde]

My group at one point had our friend playing a rogue in Pathfinder. He manages to crit fail a 5 ft. jump between a ravine. Proceeds to slip on a banana peel and fall to his untimely demise. We all go for it and allow him to resurrected under some sort of bland reasoning. He comes back, climbing up the cliff. At that point he has assured himself that his character has come back as a zombie. He proceeds to arch out his hands and say "NomNomNom" and attack the party.
He died down the same ravine.

well, that de-escalated quickly! poor guy.

@LorddeathKeeper: that was pure win! i tried that once... fumbled so hard i got sent into negative hit points, didn't think it could actually work!

[Paragon468]

My group at one point had our friend playing a rogue in Pathfinder. He manages to crit fail a 5 ft. jump between a ravine. Proceeds to slip on a banana peel and fall to his untimely demise. We all go for it and allow him to resurrected under some sort of bland reasoning. He comes back, climbing up the cliff. At that point he has assured himself that his character has come back as a zombie. He proceeds to arch out his hands and say "NomNomNom" and attack the party.
He died down the same ravine.

Wow... This same thing happened to me once. Only difference is that is it was D&D 4e and it was a Cleric :P

[Oromis1]

An event not so funny as it was awesome, our Chivalry & Sorcery group (see earlier post) was planning how to get at a bunch of mages hiding in a cathedral. Our intel revealed that they had a few gargoyles and something akin to a mini-balrog guarding them.
It might be nice to mention that C&S's magic system allows you (at low level) to, among other things: create fire, detach fire, affix fire, remove fire, passwall, and astral projection. Multiple times per day. All spells my mage knew.
We figured going through the front door was suicidal, so we took a stealthier approach:
Through the wall.
Create and affix fire to our knight's morning star (or flail, there's a naming confusion), passwall on the wall, and caught them unprepared. Knight rolled a critical on the first gargoyle, too.
The rest of the battle went normally, but there's still something funny about a knight ambushing people through walls with a flaming spiky ball of death.

[Lea Plath]

So, I've got one from a Dresden Files game I was in.

The team was:
A run away rich girl warlock with some serious dark stains on her soul from using her magic to kill her kidnapper and escape. She had to struggle not to use black magic sometimes.
A wizard who had taken the warlock under his wing and promised to look after her and protect her from the white council.
The Erlking's human master of the stables. This meant he was incharge of getting the Erlking transport, worked as his driver when he needed to interact with the human world and had a few powers relating to driving and moving between the human world and the Nevernever etc. Those power are important.
A malk who had been captured by the wizard and served as his familar. While it started off with animosity, it had turned into mutal respect and friendship after the wizard had stopped the malk being ripped apart by Maeve for failing to kill someone. (Me)

We had been doing this campaign for a while and a lot had happenned. We had annoyed a dragon by accidently disrupting a ritual of his that would have cut off the city from the Nevernever. This would make him the defacto magical ruler of the city by taking the faeries out of the picture, and given him access to some very powerful lay lines. While this wasn't an end of the world type situation, and the dragon was rather neutral, he had some rather nasty allies who we couldn't have let get a foot hold in the city.

We had just finished clearing out a nest of black court vampires (lead by a married couple of vampires, one was red court and managed the political side of things. The other was a black court vampire who managed the recruitment and fighting side of things) and we were pretty beaten up. The wizard and warlock had a fair bit of mental stress and we had used up all of our tricks.

The GM then decided to throw 3 ganger hedgemages at us. Servants of the dragon we annoyed, calling themselves the Scale Lords. It should have been a pretty easy fight, and the wizard had a bit of a reputation for kicking ass and taking names, and the Warlock was known for being a bit scary.

The Erlking guy goes to get the car (well, more a jeep he has modified to let it go into the Nevernever. Carbon fiber body helps), while we do our usual big scary magic act. Wizard is swaggering, runes on his staff glowing. The warlock is doing slasher smile and prowl and I'm doing the same. We roll intimidation, and do a pretty good job of shaking the gangers up.

Then one of them reveals himself. He isn't any old ganger. He is the dragon and the other two hedgemages were just there to hide his prescence. Naturally this is an oh crap moment, and we change plans quickly. Cheese it. We manage to get into the car and the erlking guy starts driving off, high speed chase time.

A couple of bad rolls and the dragon is gaining on us. Big problem. But the erlking guy has an idea.

We do a U turn and start charging towards the dragon. Me, the wizard and the warlock are yelling at the guy and trying to get him to turn and run, but he doesn't. He uses a fair bit of sponsered power and some GM fiat, and rams the dragon, pushing him into the Nevernever along with us. In the middle of one of the Erlking's hunting grounds.

The master of the stables call the Erlking and suddenly we are part of the wild hunt. The DM rules this lets us refresh our mental and physical stress tracks, and we are now chasing down the dragon.

Long story short, we catch him and Erlking kills him. We now have the favour of the Erlking, and a boon each.

The wizard asks for the dragon bones to make a new staff and various other focuses out of. The warlock saves her boon for later. I save mine for later.

The erlkings servant, asks for his car to be repaired cause ramming a dragon did a number on it. Now, he is known through out Faerie and a fair bit of the supernatural world as the guy who rammed a dragon.

[ReaderAt2046]

So, I've got one from a Dresden Files game I was in.

The team was:
A run away rich girl warlock with some serious dark stains on her soul from using her magic to kill her kidnapper and escape. She had to struggle not to use black magic sometimes.
A wizard who had taken the warlock under his wing and promised to look after her and protect her from the white council.
The Erlking's human master of the stables. This meant he was incharge of getting the Erlking transport, worked as his driver when he needed to interact with the human world and had a few powers relating to driving and moving between the human world and the Nevernever etc. Those power are important.
A malk who had been captured by the wizard and served as his familar. While it started off with animosity, it had turned into mutal respect and friendship after the wizard had stopped the malk being ripped apart by Maeve for failing to kill someone. (Me)

We had been doing this campaign for a while and a lot had happenned. We had annoyed a dragon by accidently disrupting a ritual of his that would have cut off the city from the Nevernever. This would make him the defacto magical ruler of the city by taking the faeries out of the picture, and given him access to some very powerful lay lines. While this wasn't an end of the world type situation, and the dragon was rather neutral, he had some rather nasty allies who we couldn't have let get a foot hold in the city.

We had just finished clearing out a nest of black court vampires (lead by a married couple of vampires, one was red court and managed the political side of things. The other was a black court vampire who managed the recruitment and fighting side of things) and we were pretty beaten up. The wizard and warlock had a fair bit of mental stress and we had used up all of our tricks.

The GM then decided to throw 3 ganger hedgemages at us. Servants of the dragon we annoyed, calling themselves the Scale Lords. It should have been a pretty easy fight, and the wizard had a bit of a reputation for kicking ass and taking names, and the Warlock was known for being a bit scary.

The Erlking guy goes to get the car (well, more a jeep he has modified to let it go into the Nevernever. Carbon fiber body helps), while we do our usual big scary magic act. Wizard is swaggering, runes on his staff glowing. The warlock is doing slasher smile and prowl and I'm doing the same. We roll intimidation, and do a pretty good job of shaking the gangers up.

Then one of them reveals himself. He isn't any old ganger. He is the dragon and the other two hedgemages were just there to hide his prescence. Naturally this is an oh crap moment, and we change plans quickly. Cheese it. We manage to get into the car and the erlking guy starts driving off, high speed chase time.

A couple of bad rolls and the dragon is gaining on us. Big problem. But the erlking guy has an idea.

We do a U turn and start charging towards the dragon. Me, the wizard and the warlock are yelling at the guy and trying to get him to turn and run, but he doesn't. He uses a fair bit of sponsered power and some GM fiat, and rams the dragon, pushing him into the Nevernever along with us. In the middle of one of the Erlking's hunting grounds.

The master of the stables call the Erlking and suddenly we are part of the wild hunt. The DM rules this lets us refresh our mental and physical stress tracks, and we are now chasing down the dragon.

Long story short, we catch him and Erlking kills him. We now have the favour of the Erlking, and a boon each.

The wizard asks for the dragon bones to make a new staff and various other focuses out of. The warlock saves her boon for later. I save mine for later.

The erlkings servant, asks for his car to be repaired cause ramming a dragon did a number on it. Now, he is known through out Faerie and a fair bit of the supernatural world as the guy who rammed a dragon.

Brilliant! Did that get the searvant a bonus Advancement for sheer weird?

[Axinian]

Recently I played in a 10th level Pathfinder game. I knew that my friend was going to play a Cavalier, but we did not know what his mount was... turns out to be a rhino. But not just any rhino! No sir! A rhino with max ranks in stealth, skill focus (stealth), some means of camouflage, and custom-made slippers of spider climbing. Our characters couldn't spot it in an open field until he pointed it out to us. It was the party scout!

Thus began the legacy of Stomp the ceiling rhino!

[Guizonde]

Recently I played in a 10th level Pathfinder game. I knew that my friend was going to play a Cavalier, but we did not know what his mount was... turns out to be a rhino. But not just any rhino! No sir! A rhino with max ranks in stealth, skill focus (stealth), some means of camouflage, and custom-made slippers of spider climbing. Our characters couldn't spot it in an open field until he pointed it out to us. It was the party scout!

Thus began the legacy of Stomp the ceiling rhino!

i don't know why, but i got the feeling that my dm's banned this from even becoming an idea in my head as soon as i read it. from 25km away. it's like pure undiluted distilled awesome sauce from the epic fountain of cool munchkinry. i need to try it sooooooooooo bad!

also, why didn't i think of that?

[Felandria]

My group at one point had our friend playing a rogue in Pathfinder. He manages to crit fail a 5 ft. jump between a ravine. Proceeds to slip on a banana peel and fall to his untimely demise. We all go for it and allow him to resurrected under some sort of bland reasoning. He comes back, climbing up the cliff. At that point he has assured himself that his character has come back as a zombie. He proceeds to arch out his hands and say "NomNomNom" and attack the party.
He died down the same ravine.

Speaking of hapless rogues, our party once contained a halfling rogue.

He had a Str of 5, which is poor, even for a halfling, but even worse, he had a Dex of 7.

A halfling rogue with a Dex of 7.

I still don't understand how that was possible.

[Axinian]

i don't know why, but i got the feeling that my dm's banned this from even becoming an idea in my head as soon as i read it. from 25km away. it's like pure undiluted distilled awesome sauce from the epic fountain of cool munchkinry. i need to try it sooooooooooo bad!

also, why didn't i think of that?

I wouldn't call it munchkinry, it wasn't anywhere near overpowered and I think it was legit by the rules. It just didn't make the slightest bit of anything resembling sense.

[DontEatRawHagis]

My current game hasn't gotten to truly memorable funny moments. But I did find Old Man Henderson the director's cut. I nearly lost a lung after reading the time Old Man Henderson killed 4 player characters in the same session all played by the same player.

And the ultimate winning of Call of Cthulu in more detail than in the original.

[Guizonde]

I wouldn't call it munchkinry, it wasn't anywhere near overpowered and I think it was legit by the rules. It just didn't make the slightest bit of anything resembling sense.

getting lost in idioms i'm afraid: for me, a munchkin is a guy who creates a build that is both hilarious and efficient, as opposed to a powergamer who is all about finding the loophole of loopholes, building the next pun-pun, foregoing all rp and being crunchtastic.

i guess my powergamer is your munchkin, and my munchkin is your loony? if i'd known what the exact term was, i'd have used it. still getting used to different vernaculars (yes, my "munchkin" is because of the card game. too silly not to work)

still an awesome rhino, but it's the silly part my dm would ban. not the crunchiness of it (tried to have a charging ostrich for a halfling paladin's mount. pretty darn good stats, but the idea of an ostrich in a dungeon was too silly for my dm)

[LupusCreed]

Cast:
Me-as acting DM.
Bard- as a female True Neutral Elf Bard.
Killer- as a male Chaotic Evil Human Fighter, Rogue, Ghost-Faced Killer
Dagger- as a male Chaotic Neutral Raptoran Ninja, Sorcerer, Daggerspell Mage
Pirate- as a female Chaotic Neutral Half-Elf Swashbuckler.

Setting: A sandbox world I threw together that takes place in a large and prosperous trading city. Our group was called in by the local authorities to track down an elusive murderer or murders that would kill someone every night. The idea was that they had to figure out where this killer or killers were hiding by investigating a number of areas in the city and investigating people. This ensured a number of adventures over the next few nights. Mostly hilarious. 1. A jailbreak. 2. Impersonating a godly messenger. 3. Destroying a deceased merchant’s mansion(For good reason).

1. The group learned of a rumor that the local nobility had imprisoned a wizard for certain crimes, but rumor had it that the wizard was willing to reward anyone that would break him out. Learning this early on, the group decided to break him out. They snuck into the castle using Dagger’s Raptoran flight capabilities and some rope, then worked their way up the prison tower. Stealthily they managed to take out the guards on each floor at a time until they finally screwed up on the second to last floor. The alarm was sounded and guards were coming.
While Bard and Pirate freed the Wizard, Killer and Dagger quickly ran back down and unlocked all the prison doors and rallied the prisoners. They then used the stampede of prisoners to cover themselves as they, Bard, Pirate, and the Wizard separated from the group through use of Cloaks of Invisibility and escaped the castle.
They then had to take the Wizard through the forest to the west back to one of his hidden chambers. After fighting some more creatures, they reached the hidden chamber and were each rewarded with randomly generated magic items. Most of them were happy. Then the Chaotic Evil Killer had an idea. He suggested jumping the Wizard while he had no spells and turning him back in for some reward money and stealing all his magical stuff to pawn off back at the large merchant city. None of them really had a problem with that seeing as he was a criminal, so they jumped him while his back was turned, hogtied him, ransacked his chamber, and turned him in for some gold.

2. They had learned some rumors that the priests of the Temple in the city that worshiped Pelor had turned from him and were conducting dark worship. So they figured the murder or the murders were among them. They decided to try and conduct an examination of the clerical members, however, there was no possible way they could get them all to comply. So they decided to make an offer they couldn’t refuse. They bought some pure white and gold robes and some jewelry off of some merchants, bought some needed scrolls, then cast various spells on Bard and made her appear as a heavenly being, she then Bluffed and Performed her way into making them believe she was a representative of Pelor and that there was darkness in this temple, and that adventures would come tomorrow to cleanse it. She then gave descriptions of each of us and warned them not to test the servants of Pelor and do whatever they say. The next day, they showed up, didn’t find the murderer(s), then took a ton of valuable would-be offerings from temple goers and pawned them off.

3. The group heard rumor that a dark force had taken the residence of a now diseased rich merchant. They decided to infiltrate the mansion to discover if anything vile was actually there. They snuck in through the kitchen during a shipment delivery, then ran around the place, pretending to be honored friends of the dead merchant. They eventually came to a passage with a stairway heading downward, the only stairs leading down they had come across yet. There were two guards positioned in front of the stairs, so the two women in our group went up to them and began to flirt with them, then pushed them down the stairs when they let their guard down. They then walked down the stairs and found the guards in an unconscious armored heap at the bottom in a cellar filled with a number of alcoholic drinks. After examining the walls, they found a hole big enough to walk through hidden behind a shelf. They walked through and found a large number of undead on the other side as well as a necromancer. I had planned to give them a battle. Pirate worked her way over to the necromancer, however, through some poison and a Ray of Enfeeblement, Pirate became unable stand and can only drag herself across the floor. Dagger then had an idea. Dagger and Killer held back the undead while Bard dragged Pirate back into the cellar and start making a mess of the cellar in the adjacent room. Bard then roll caskets of drink through the passage with some holes in them and call Dagger and Killer back into the other room. Killer then picked up Pirate and ran up the stairs with Bard while Dagger set the alcohol on fire. They then proceed to run throughout the mansion, screaming “Fire!”, getting people out of there, setting more things on fire when people weren’t around, and filling their Bags of Holding with various valuable items they came across. The mansion eventually is entirely engulfed in flame and crashes down on top of the necromancer and his undead horde.

[only1doug]

The game: 2nd edition D&D L8 party

The setup:
the party has been travelling for some time through the evil kingdom to reach the BBEG's lair, we have encountered and defeated an enemy patrol and have their mounts.
I have been polymorphing 2 horses into white mice each day so that we have spare mounts if we ever need them (mice being easier to carry around than horses). I stopped at 6 (1 each) .

We entered the BBEGs lair in a semi truce (he asked us to leave our weapons outside but some of us cheated by putting them in a bag of holding).
We are in a 30' x 30' room and the BBEG demands our bag of holding, so the fight begins, we throw him another bag (containing 6 white mice) and I cast dispel magic...

The room is suddenly very full of horses and the fight is on. (unfortunately the BBEG avoided the horas-bomb but it was worth it just for the look on the GMs face.

[Shnezz]

Listen well, OOTSers, to the Saga of Vimak the Golaith barbarian.

[Level 5-8 over various events.]

Only had 3 intelligence...

Entrance

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The entire party was in a jail cell. The barbarian was in a cell across the hall. A guard taunted him, and he rolled a nat. 20 strength check and broke the door open, then proceeded to KO the guard.

The party diplo-monkey called out to Vimak "Hey. Throw me that key."

The 3-int barbarian took him literally. He struck the bard in the face for 9 damage, leaving a key-shaped impression in his face for a day.

Betrayal

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A shardmind psion decided he didn't want to play that character anymore, and tried to switch sides in the middle of a fight. Vimak, having been disarmed due to throwing his greataxe at a flying gargoyle, promptly ripped a solid steel door off its hinges, and crit the shardmind for so much damage, bits of crystal embedded in the door.

He kept this door for the rest of the campaign, and it was often more effective than his axe in combat, despite requiring strength checks many, many times over.

Someplace Safe

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The barbarian is handed a portable hole, with explicit instructions to 'keep this safe'. He has only one bag. This bag is a bag of holding.

... The ensuing explosion killed all but one party member.

A dwarf of the same campaign, became the symbol of immortality. He survived multiple disasters, including:

-A portable hole/ bag of holding bomb.
-Jumping off a cliff onto an ogre's head.
-Multiple traitorous party members.
-Direct confrontation with Orcus.
-Dealing with Pazuzu successfully.
-200lbs of crystal falling from a height of ~100feet directly onto him.

[ZeroGear]

Leave the jumping to the professionals:

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In the Pathfinder Thornkeep module we ran last week, our group came to the part of the dungeon that only had one way of continuing: a set of pillars that one had to leap to in order to reach the upper floor.
Naturally, our dwarf fighter volunteers to go first.
He leaps... and rolls a natural 1, not only failing to make the jump to the higher pillar and falling, but also hitting pretty much every rock on the way down.
I, the beastkin tiefling gunslinger, decide to give it a shot. Naturally, I make it with all the natural grace and agility my Rakshasa heritage grants, leaping like a cat from one [pillar to the next until i reach the ledge.
As my guy is lowering the rope, the dwarf decides he wants to go again.
*CRASH* *BANG* *BOOM* *DING* *BONG* *CRUNCH*
He fails again, almost going into negatives this time.

[vasharanpaladin]

Listen well, OOTSers, to the Saga of Vimak the Golaith barbarian.

...I'm reminded of Kim, my half-ogre frenzied berserker.

Who, in the throes of his rage, decided that the optimal solution to a ghost's malevolence (used, naturally, on Kim), would be to punch himself out. With his oversized spiked gauntlets.

The ghost died a second time. Kim lived to bemoan the pretty face (for a half-ogre...) he ruined in the process... and then got killed by a tree.

[DontEatRawHagis]

Long time ago. Might have posted it. Ran a one shot for two friends. Paranoia.

Half way through the mission they signaled to each other using the Communist hand signal I gave them in their Pre-Gens. At the end of the mission they nearly killed everyone of their NPC co-horts. With just three of them left(One NPC made it out alive), the two players Ben and Justin looked like they both were going to win it.

Until the Computer asked them if there was anything left for them to be debriefed on.

Ben: Yes, I would like to accuse Justin as a dirty Communist traitor.
Justin:
Computer: Do you have any proof citizen?

Ben proceeds to show video of Justin putting up communist propaganda posters all over the Sector.

Computer: Do you have anything to say in your defense?
Justin: He helped me.
Computer: Do you have any proof citizen?

Justin proceeded to pull out his video of Ben, helping him put up posters.

The following duel erasures was something to behold.

[Erasmas]

So... we were playing D&D, in a classic fantasy world setting, with my good friend running the game (who does not do well with being put on the spot).

These bandit/cultist types were sacking as outlying farmstead and we discovered that they were going to be coming back and, this time, would be kidnapping their young daughter. And so, being the brave adventurers we were, we lay in ambush waiting for the baddies to strike.

Finally they come and we smartly hand them their buttocks on a wooden platter and even manage to subdue one of the spellcasters. We decide that we want to question him and since we knew how zealous these guys were... we decided that torture was going to most likely have to be involved if we really wanted answers. Not everyone's character was strictly "okay" with this, so we decided that it was best if a couple of 'representatives' took care of the questioning. So, the two "rough types"... my character (the rogue) and my other buddy's character (the ranger) took him into the small outbuilding where the farmer kept the tools and tied him to a chair - scythes and sickles hanging on the walls, sharp-edged plows sitting nearby - you know, to add to the atmosphere and help us scare the sh!t out of this guy.

Well, he wakes up and we start in on him; all the usual questions, "Why are you doing this?"... "Who are you working for?"... "Where is the rebel base?"... you get the idea. It quickly becomes apparent that we aren't going to get anywhere with him, so I pull out one of my daggers and push it slowly through his forearm. The guy screams in agony, but still won't answer our questions. And then, suddenly, my friend (the DM) states... rather matter of factly...

(DM) "He snaps his own neck."

(Me) "He's tied up."

(DM) "I know."

What followed was:

• Me trying very hard not to laugh, and failing miserably because of the sight of this guy thrashing his head sideways with such force as to severe his own spinal cord.
• Me staring confused at my friend, trying to work out how something like that would be physically possible. Which eventually led to lots of jokes about how we didn't notice the massive neck muscles on this sorcerer.
• My friend being visibly embarrassed at how obvious it was that he hadn't though it out beforehand (and how silly it was).

To his credit, however, he stuck to his guns and it stayed the way it was. Still to this day, we can bring that up and we all laugh until tears are streaming down our faces.

[Karoht]

We chose to leave a petty criminal in the same room as a Bard who wanted desperately to show off his 1 man 10 act play. Spoiler alert, the robot falls in love.

So the bard, the crook (tied to chair), and I are in the room with him, and before act 1 is finished I asked "Can I cast Blindness/Deafness on myself and choose to fail the save?" and promptly walked out. About act 3 the poor guy tries bashing his head on the corner of the chair but can't reach.
Act 5 he figures he can bash his head in if he falls backwards. They give him lots of pillows and put him up against a wall.
Some time around act 7, the DM says make a perception check. The Bard fails.
So he finishes the play (ta-daaaah!) and finally notices that something is wrong with the audience member.

Spoiler alert because it is slightly graphic...

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...he bit his own tongue off and choked to death on the blood.

The Bard managed to kill someone with a performance check.

[Reltzik]

(Pathfinder) Our party was proving particularly dysfunctional one campaign, with various members allying with opposing factions and being turned against one-another. This resulted in our ninja (female dwarf) being TKed by the summoner and left for dead. (Came down to the initiative roll.) (Temporarily) unbeknownst to us, she made her stabilization roll, became an NPC, and popped into the summoner's inn room every now and then to leave threatening notes. Nothing we could do could ever find her, catch her, or stop her. She had DM invulnerability.

Meanwhile, my tanks had been suffering an alarming attrition rate. It was yet again time to introduce a replacement character, and I decided to min-max for survivability. The result was a dwarven Invulnerable Rager (barbarian variant). Naturally, I made int and cha my dump stats.

Now, the thing is, I think dump-stats are fun. PLAYING a mental dump-stat is VERY fun. So I planned out in my head how his low int and cha would work.

The resulting backstory was a dwarf who wasn't entirely there any more. Following being trapped behind orc lines for a couple of years, he became... unhinged. (Or enlightened, as he would put it.) He came to the conclusion that all societal standards are mad, that madness is the only sane way to live, and that sanity consisted of insanity. His int came from the facts that while he generated a lot of ideas, most of them were TERRIBLE, and he tended to make up facts that he didn't actually know. His charisma came from the fact that he'd shaved his beard and came off as, well, crazy. His wisdom was actually middling-high, which I played as an extremely perceptive and insightful nature and a weird, uncommon sense, all averaged with an appalling lack of COMMON sense. He was manic to the extreme, utterly immune to criticism or doubt, and prided himself on the fact that he ranked his own plans not by their odds of success, but by how AWESOME they'd be if they DID work. (AWESOME was his favorite word. Yes, in caps.)

Needless to say, I designed him to be more the comic relief than the brains of the group. Comic reliefs have good survivability.

So, finally came the time to introduce King Guurnderk. (Don't ask. The party did. They regretted it.) The party was resting up from their latest debacle in the inn's common room/tavern, and looking to recruit a new tank. In walks King Guurnderk.

DM: "Describe your character."
Me: "I'm a tall, male dwarf, in a kilt and breastplate, with no beard, and a double-sword strapped to my back."
Everyone: "...."
DM: ".... you SHAVED your BEARD."
Me: "Yes!"
DM: "... and you're a DWARF."
Me: "Yes!"
DM: "... that's a mark of insanity among dwarves, you know."
Me: "Yes!"
DM: ".... all right..."

I end up overhearing how the party needs a front-line fighter, and volunteer myself. The party is.... skeptical. Especially since I'm roleplaying the character. Somehow, the "King" part doesn't get noticed amidst the introductions (It'll be a few sessions later before someone picks up on it), but they quickly come to the conclusion that I'm... not all there.

Party: "So, uh, you're a good fighter?"
Me: "I'm an AWESOME fighter!"
Party: "... and you can actually use that... thing?" They indicate the double sword.
Me: "Yes!"
Party: "... no, really, you're actually proficient, rather than just being able to swing it around and do as much damage to your friends as your foes?"
Me: "I am AWESOME with it!"
Party: "... he didn't really answer that question." "Didn't he?" "No, he really didn't."
Me: "Look. Obviously, the three of you are a bit... lacking, let's say, in your mental faculties. From your wounds, you've been struck several blows to the head. This can scramble the wits. I should know. So, let me put this in simple terms. IIIII *gesturing to myself, as if in sign language, and speaking slow as if to an idiot* Aaaaam *Here a pair of thumbs-up* AWESOME!" *I forget the gesture for this*
Party: Stunned silence. Then.... "Let's see how he deals with the ninja."

After being filled in on the details and interpreting this as being hired as a bodyguard, I camp out in the back alley, where I can watch the window into the summoner's room. I have a bottle with me and pretend to be stone-drunk and nearly unconscious. The ninja being DM-invincible, I am somehow identified and rendered unconscious without any benefit from high saves, HP, DR, or even a perception roll, and am found trussed up in the summoner's room with a note tied to my face reading, "Is this the best you can do?" The summoner is not amused.

Me: "I'm getting her measure. She's a moxy one, she is! Yes, she saw through my disguise. But she has underestimated me! She doesn't respect the fierce AWESOMENESS that is my nature! This will be her undoing!"
Summoner: "I really doubt it."
Me: "She's been lulled into a false sense of security. She is now completely unguarded against my new plan."
Summoner: "New plan."
Me: "Yes!"
Summoner: "I don't want to hear it."
Me: "But it's an AWESOME plan."
Summoner: "Your LAST plan was to get ambushed."
Me: "No! It was for me, as an unknown party and in disguise anyway, to catch her entering your room!"
Summoner: "Disguise? WHAT disguise?"
Me: "I was disguised as a drunk."
Summoner: "That's a TERRIBLE disguise!"
Me: "It was an AWESOME disguise!"
Summoner: "You ARE a drunk!"
Me: "See? You fell for it! AWESOME disguise."
Summoner: "So your last brilliant plan was to just be standing out in the back alley, in plain sight, watching my window, and acting drunk, in hopes that the sneaky villain we can never catch in the act is DUMB enough to break-and-enter in broad daylight with a rather flagrant witness present?"

Here, I stop and think, bobbing my head and clearly taxing my limited mental facilities to parse each and every word of that sentence. I start to say something, then stop, as if I realized it wasn't applicable, and go back to my careful consideration. Finally:

Me: "No."
Summoner: "No?"
Me: "That is incorrect."
Summoner: "THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU WERE DOING!"
Me: "No! I was SITTING in the alley!"

At this point, the summoner's player is developing a twitch and a bulging vein in his right temple, which he's been hiding with repeated facepalms, and the other players are having trouble interjecting for laughing too hard. This allows me to take control of the conversation.

Me: "Besides, that was the old plan. This new plan is AWESOME!"
Summoner: "That's what you said about the old plan!"
Me: "This one is even AWESOMER!"
Summoner: "No! Whatever it is, no!"
Me: "It'll be the last thing she'd ever suspect."
Summoner: "Fine. FINE. Tell me what this new plan is just so that you'll SHUT UP ABOUT IT!"
Me: "When she comes back... I'll seduce her."
Summoner: "NO."
Me: "It's an awesome plan."
Summoner: "NO IT ISN'T!"
Me: "It is! She'll NEVER see it coming!"

The summoner's player was struck utterly speechless, torn between a dozen different replies, NONE of which seemed likely to have an effect. The rest of the group (including the DM) devolved into breathless, heaving laughter.

Summoner: "...."
Me: "Look. It's all right to admit. Your mind isn't as awesome as mine. Someday it might be. Growth is a good thing. Of course, mine'll be awesomer then, but it's good to have something to strive for."
Summoner: "YOU'RE NOT SMART!"
Me: "Smarter than you. Why else do I keep winning arguments? The score is four points to nothing."

This was true, if we equate being shocked into nonresponsiveness by sheer stupidity as the same thing as losing an argument. King Guurnderk did. The summoner rallied, presenting three very obvious and cogent points about the seduction-plan's infeasibility, in an almost essay-like format, which was impressive given that the player was shouting himself hoarse.

Me: "Ah. Those are three very good points."
Summoner: "THANK YOU."
Me: "But you recall that I have four points. So I still win."
Summoner: "....."
Me: "That's five points now."
DM: ".... You can't argue with that sort of logic."

At this point, even the summoner's player broke down, and the DM called a fifteen minute break on account of giggles.

[The Random NPC]

AWESOME stuff

Bravo good sir, bravo.

[TuggyNE]

DM: ".... You can't argue with that sort of logic."

Sure can't!

[Curtis6566]

AWSOME crazy dwarf story.

Bravo good sir! That was the funnyist one I've read in awhile. I applaud at your RPing skills.

[Guizonde]

not sure if i should post it here or in painful player hijinks, since it's both, but here goes.

same party from the return of elemental evil (see earlier posts). i'm a dwarf priestcleric of pelor, and our dm has officially confirmed that he's using call of cthulu's insanity system. this isn't dnd anymore. this is survival-horror, you decide the measure of which.

anywho, we're in a forest, about 5 days march away from homlet. we've got a water elemental priestess npc(probably near epic level, whereas we're level 5ish), and a ranger (who must be around level 7-9). our elven rogue gets spooked by seeing some xbox-huge warrior on a monstrous tentacle-mount. she's the only one who sees it, and it's blink-and-you'll-miss-it fast. by this point, i cast detect evil, and as expected, i get a nosebleed and a splitting headache. our sorceror casts detect magic, and (unexpectedly) pukes. by now all of us are flipping out, even the drunken halfling monk who saw my nosebleed, and the warrior saw the rogue go catatonic, me bleed, and the caster puke.
so we're sure: the muggles of the party use the spellcasters as alarm bells when we're gonna hurt.
the two npc's detect nothing, despite our warnings. we rush away to a clearing, set up camp, and having both a dwarf and a tiefling in the party, we take the deep night shift. i see a shadow and hear noise. i wake the rogue, who hears distant laughter. the sorceror sends his bat-familiar recon. all of a sudden, he goes catatonic too. the dm described it as being so evil you could taste it. we're irl scared out of our wits, and actively consider burning the forest. the ranger (who'd have killed us if we'd done that) suggests that it's nothing and after slapping me silly (protip, don't insult the dm's ranger, even if he deserved it) says "30 seconds. pack your things. we move now".
we start running, and the dm calls for anal circumference initiative.
both me and the halfling lag right off the bat. we finally see what is after us. an xbox huge white humanoid (10ft tall without the mount) with a halberd-scythe combo weapon. the "horse" is 4 legs, a bunch of tentacles for a face, white too, and this sucker makes us nauseous just by existing. oh, and when i say fast, he caught up with the laggards in 2 turns. the monk sends a flurry of blows, blocked. DR 23 minimum. the sorceror uses his wand of burning hands. 27. blocked.

players: what should we do? staggered retreat? run?
dm: yo, guizonde, what's your dr?
me: 18, why?... let me guess... i'm dead?
*ominous amount of d10 rolls* ok, you take 21 damage. he ran you through with his scythe, and you're carried away.
me: how many crits did you roll?!
dm: enough. (pc general synchronized facepalm)
me: i give up, i'm dead. went from full 27hp to 6.
dm: could be worse. do a CON test please
*rolls*
dm: you lose 1hp. he kicks you off his scythe, and you take... 2dmg

by this time, the party is stunned. i've got ok stats, and in one blow "da boss" (rogue's nickname for that thing) took out the healer (i needed a DD42 concentration check to actually cast a spell. not happening) we had the halfling attack it, and fail, and our caster couldn't damage it point blank. and he gave me a huge hole in my chest. to say the situation was grimdark is understatement.

then he adds matter of factly,

"let this be a lesson that sometimes running away is the only solution."

we were not amused. my dwarf spend the rest of the fight insulting da boss and flipping him off. all 3 turns of it. i'm captured, yelling out a brave "by pelor! run!", real heroic sacrifice style (by this point, i was resigned to reroll)

play by play of the conversation (keep in mind throughout i'm at 3hp, and covered in blood. i'm also flipping him off, defiant of both logic, biology, and danger)
boss: tell me everything you know about tharizdun.
me: i don't talk to evil.
boss: do it.
me: the prisoner god. he's building his forces.
boss: has*nearby big city* fallen?
me:i think... maybe, i can't think due to this hole here. *points at chest*
boss: what do you want to do at homlet?
me: *various insults*
boss: tell me. now. or the halfling gets it.
me:*very colorful insults* leave the halfling be. i'll do at homlet what i'll do to your backside. bring light where darkness reigns. with fire. and my mace. multiple times if necessary.
boss: very well. goodbye.
me:*so many insults my dm counted another hp lost due to lacking structural integrity to my lungs*

yup. the dm teaches us that running should always be plan A, and i spent a half hour irl inventing colorful insults based on the church of pelor. why, you ask? because we couldn't hurt this boss. not physically. i damn well hurt his feelings enough though!

[Doorhandle]

Although I do encourage an occasional encounter where the players run their asses off, that above just seems to be cruel. Particularly as the above monstrosity can outrun you ANYWAY.

Also, kudos for sheer defiance.

[Guizonde]

Although I do encourage an occasional encounter where the players run their asses off, that above just seems to be cruel. Particularly as the above monstrosity can outrun you ANYWAY.

Also, kudos for sheer defiance.

meh, we've had worse for breakfast. it almost feels like a deus ex machina that i survived. couple of things though.

1. it was a lesson in derp-mode deactivation. he told us so before the start of the session.
2. he derp'd (told us afterwards). he plain forgot the movement speed modifiers of both a dwarf and a halfling (nevermind the halfling monk actually jumped nearly 90 meters by using all his ki). it was meant to be ridiculous (he had both the scooby doo theme and yakkety sax in the playlist, which incidentally, is way scarier)
3. i'm playing my dwarf more and more like he's not all there anymore. mortification of the flesh, refusing to heal scars (just the damage), implantation of sub-cutaneous holy symbols, more praying and reciting of litanies (getting weirder and weirder, like the litany of screw you), being terrorized being the main feeling he feels and accepting this, considering more and more becoming actively church militant when it comes to combat, accepting death or glory (dwarf and cleric), you get the idea that although he's a great drinking buddy, he's going on a grimdark bender. i've rarely had so much fun playing shell-shock
after what we've been through, being near-death, it was only logical to flip off cthulu and insult it... well, from my dwarf's point of view, anyway. that, and limit the damage by buying time for the rest of the group to flee.

i highly recommend flipping off the bad guy. it's quite cathartic, and helps ease the fact that you're dead and you know it.

[beau highbill]

So playing my first D&D campaign ever I rolled up a halfling rogue, because the DM had told me our party was lacking a rogue. Our party paladin and my rogue faced off on more than one occasion (I was CN he was LG) also relevant to the story is the fact that he took paranoia as a flaw for access to a bonus feat.

After working on ways to get him to lose pally status for quite a few sessions I devised a plan. I threw all 14 of my skill points into perform (ventriloquism) after hitting level 9, I then proceeded to use the ability hide in plain sight that I gained when I prestiged into a shadowdancer, to hide in his shadow walking through a marketplace. Using a mix of bluff and ventriloquism checks (nat 20's no less!) I had convinced him that he head a small child planning on murdering our party while we slept. One power attack later and we were down a paladin, and I was free to jump into the deep end of the alignment pool