More Funny D&D Stories

[The Bandicoot]

Once I was in a campaign where we found a church with a candle that when lit, would plunge the inside of the church with darkness, and if you somehow got off your feet, you would fall to another universe, we had this big science discussion on how it works for an hour. The reason was the guy that make urinal cakes, somehow was a god or something and made the universe cakes, each universe was identical and the universe cakes had to be placed in a rift in the multiverse at the same time in both universes, once that was complete, the world would be in harmony. My gnome ranger took 8d6 psychic damage and died. That campaign didn't last long.

This makes absolutely no sense at all. None whatsoever.

[Shurifire]

I love all this stuff, and feel compelled to share my own. :)
Now, me and my friends, due to being stingy/lazy students, couldn't be bothered to get a proper D&D set, so we built our own custom engine that could be played over Skype. It's terrible and we love it. Due to prior inexperience we all tend to fall into the same categories when making characters, usually as such:
Z- Autistic Wizard with a thing for severed heads.
J- Scumbag who drains the hub town of all its money, booze or both in every run.
F- Amiable enough ranger-type guy with a penchant for theft.
Me- The good guy who tends to carry the party, often literally.

Out of all these, the most legendary character to arise would have to be my second guy, Jerry McMeatshield. Jerry was an 8 foot tall, 3 foot wide, 300 kilo zombie with a heart of gold and the vocabulary of an elephant. Having been a butler to the noble Fontaine family, Jerry was resurrected at the request of the master by a cut-price necromancer after being killed by a falling chandelier. Unfortunately he wasn't all there when he came back, and now wanders the world with his ex-master after the family lost its fortune under embarrassing circumstances.
Since then, all the while his intelligence being comparable to that of a kitten, he's proven time and time again that he has some skills left in his head. He once destroyed a house by knocking on the door too hard, accidentally introduced poetry into Orcish culture by moaning in a particular way, and turned a friendly town into a bloodthirsty mob by drooling in their sacred river. I love him.

[-D-]

One of our player insisting he was Lawful Good despite:
A) killing a vampire, taking his heart and burning it constantly over the period of a month
B) killing a Noble human, draining him of blood and causing human armies to fall into despair
C) being a vampire (this was temporary since he was some kind of changeling)
D) doing a bidding of a Demon

[King539]

I was playing a dwarven cleric recently. Me and the rest of the party were running from some goblins we had annoyed, and well running for our lives, the DM rolled for random encounters. Ogre. It beaned my character with a javelin, bringing me down to 8/30 HP. Next round, it closes to melee. I'm understandably worried, and the DM reassures me, saying that the ogre's weapon is "just a tree". A split second later, the dice hit the table. Natural. 20. The tree hit me so hard it broke.

[dehro]

my characters suffer from a rather high mortality rate (think almost "mound of bards" levels of mortality). I'm also rather bad at building them.
so I found myself building one at the end of the campaign.
I created a whisper gnome thief at 19th level, built to fight in melee and kick inordinate amount of ass.
we were in a low tunnel that forced most of the others to almost crawl through, with a wall closing in behind us. between us and squishy death stood a door that I was asked to unlock. with the roll of a dice, I easily found it was not trapped.
then I rolled the dice to unlock it..rolled very low, and looked up on my new sheet... to find out that I had neglected to put a single point in open lock.
the resident cleric had to waste a miracle spell to unlock the door an almost epic level thief was stumped against.

[Gharzak]

So this is a story of one of my more novice moments in roleplaying

Spoiler: The Party

Show

Me (Unoptimized half orc ranger named Agronog

Rest of the party isn't important except for the fact that I was supposed to be one of the two major frontliners and everyone else was squishy

Spoiler: The story

Show

So we are in a old Dwarven hold trying to investigate what had happened and we enter a large room with a strange magical arch on the other side, out of nowhere 4 skeletal dwarves step out and we enter combat, so we roll initiative and engage the skeletons and I kill mine in the first round (favored enemy undead) anyways for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to inspect the arch for some reason or another instead of helping kill the other skeletons this surprises everyone but my group lets me do my own thing most of the time so I can learn from my mistakes, so when I look through the arch it doesn't seem very amazing, but when I stepped through it my GM describes what looks like a bustling Dwarven hold full of dwarves doing their everyday dwarf thing, except that I would get weird glances for, you know, being a half orc in the middle of their hold, anyways I immediately believe I have stumbled upon a portal to the Dwarven afterlife and try to convince the dwarves to help us, I immediately get attacked by thrown weapons and arrows and stuff that take like half my hp away, so I run out the arch, and when it is my turn again instead of helping my teammates out again I enter the arch a second time with the same results, now I'm at a quarter hp, then my next round I try just putting my hand through and get attacked again, now I'm in single digit hp but my party has killed the skeletons, I'm stumped at this point as to what the magic of this arch/portal could be, I was so sure that it was the Dwarven afterlife, which had my group laughing, evidently it had just been a room with a couple glamoured skeletons and a couple silent images (skeletons had been programmed to attack anything inside the room, but only in the room), I felt pretty stupid myself, to this day, whenever something unnatural occurs my party teases me saying "careful we might be getting close to the Dwarven afterlife

Also would like to say that I have greatly enjoyed reading this thread, it has given me hours of enjoyment and persuaded me to make an account to start sharing my stories, I have finally read all current 39 pages great stuff guys

[GuesssWho]

A week or so ago one of my friends DMed a game set in what was essentially Night Vale. Since I'm the only player who knows anything about Welcome To Night Vale, I played a local just to add to the confusion.

Everyone was told that they needed to find a person who had a certain disease and get them to a lab so it could be studied. This order came from a tiny man flying a toy-sized spaceship. First they had to go through quarantine, which involved far more hilarity and confusion that I can even describe. Then once they landed they had to listen to a pirate radio station in which some guy was ranting about conspiracy theories, but all his callers just told him that everyone knew about them already.

So while they're wandering through a town of demons, aliens, inexplicable fake Italians and who-knows-what, they meet my character. My character is a lizard woman with a ****ty human mask, a Yogurtland uniform and a sign around her neck reading 'I am not a lizard.'

Yeah, it's that kind of setting.

So once they're over feeling bewildered about that, they happen to spot a guy at a bar slowly turn from a regular human to an ancient Roman, then a medieval peasant, then a Renaissance Italian, and then a painting. The police appear, there's a bar brawl, the police take the painting away wrapped in a hazmat suit and we figure out that this disease turns people into artworks. From there we manage to find an old lady whose grandson is worried that she is pretending to be from Venice, we take her to the lab, session ends.

Oh, and the grandson thought he was an American Indian despite being white as a sheet and living in suburbia. But that's a tale for another time.

[GuesssWho]

Sorry to double-post, but I had another hilarious game today. Only three people were involved, which probably explains why everyone just went with it.

It started with a shared dream. We were in an abandoned colosseum covered in vines, trying to find the way out. There was a creepy old man tied to the ceiling, and when we freed him he turned into a tentacle monster and the whole place started melting. A giant hand with a mouth in its palm gave my character a puzzle box, then we drowned in ink and woke up. I'm pretty sure that the dream was an actual link to the Far Realm, though, because that's the only thing that could explain the rest of the game. (Also, my character woke up with the puzzle box. She never got it to fully open, though.)

My character is a lizardfolk warlock of Yig, the other player had a human barbarian who was literally raised by wolves. This did not help us remain sane AT ALL.

We wake up as gladiators and barely manage to win a fight against a weird old man only known as 'It,' mostly because It was allergic to magic and nothing likes being hit with a stick. Since we won they free us, and we go to find an inn. Or eventually we do, at least. At first we attempt to sleep in a well, but a policeman won't let us.

We wander around looking for an inn until my character gets bored and starts to graffiti on random walls. One of the walls keeps cleaning itself, so we try to draw on it for a while. Then the barbarian decides to lick the wall. It apparently 'tastes religious,' so we start drawing holy symbols on it. After a while of this we realize that we can just go look at the rest of the building, and it is indeed a temple. The barbarian attempts to make them worship his stick, but they just look at him funny, so we go to the inn.

We go to the inn, but can't sleep because the streets are full of giant rats and they won't stop squeaking. I go downstairs and request 'the evil owl magician,' which gets me some very confused looks. Eventually it's explained to me that this town is pretty much ruled by ratcatchers at this point and there's nothing to be done. I promptly declare this to be madness.

When we get up in the morning everyone is gone and the innkeep ha had his throat slit from ear to ear, with the word 'contaminated' carved into his chest. I am annoyed by this because if he's contaminated we can't eat him, while the barbarian is praying to his stick, a hypothetical wolf cub and the corpse of It.

We don't know what to do next, so we visit the library. We find some ancient pieces of a madman's diary written in Deep Speech that tells of an ancient portal to the Far Realm somewhere North of us and has a portrait that is unmistakably the barbarian next to rambling about time travel.

We decide to head North and the session ends. We then laugh hysterically about stick gods and the taste of religion for several minutes.

[MONEYSHOT]

Ok hope this isn't going too far. I was playing a squirrely necro/rogue who was orphaned and had to steal for funds for his magical instruction. My party never protected me so i nearly died every session. My motley crew included a Large Minotaur fighter/rogue named Ares, a Prude female human Psionicst named Justice,and a Do good Monk named Nickademus.....

....we happened to find ourselves in a tavern per usual... but the land we were in still considered women as property. As we sat at the bar we were told by the DM that we oversee and overhear several large off duty guards harrassing and groping a serving wench, to which she smashed a mug of ale upside his head and cut his face. The guards then decided to hold her down and prepare to have their way with her.... the DM asked what do we wanna do, if anything.... the minotaur stays put for the moment but draws out 2 daggers from his vest. Justice the pruding psionocist begins to contact all the guards minds. The do gooder Nickademus goes over and taps the guard on the shoulder telling him, that he doesnt think he should be doing this, and that hes gonna put a stop to it... Nickademus is quickly sent flying by a backhand... becuase the guards were way out of our league and we didnt know that as characters... the DM looks to me and asks what i wish to do.... so as i get up and saunter over to the guards to save the day.... I quickly push the 2nd guard out of the way undid my belt and yelled... "I'M NEXT!"......the entire room of players was speechless.. they didnt know whether to be disgusted or bust out laughing...the female playing the prude female pscion...said "no your not?" (OoC) Not believing me.... to which i replied... "oh yes i am." (OoC).... and then immediately afterwards i was notified my character had been psionically contacted by Justice... and immediately Psionic Blasted.... to which i fell over.. pants around ankles and laid their bare assed while the fight ensued

[DontEatRawHagis]

After being knocked out by my Nemesis in a Super Villain RPG my GM had me wake up in an insane asylum. After a couple of visits from my PC's ex-wife, nemesis, and doctor it was clear I was being gaslighted. They were saying how I've been pretending I was a supervillain and that super heroes didn't exist. I still had my hidden coms device in my ear and was able to get information to my fellow PCs. However, that meant I was listening to voices in my head. There was a touch and go moment where everyone at the table thought the entire game was just my character's imagination. Especially because the DM expressed interest in switching to a new system.

Ended up the PCs found me and set fire to the Asylum just to be sure.

[Divusmors]

This happened in a Rifts game I was in, with 5 players but the exchange was with just three; the DM, the crazy techno-wizard that likes to tinker with things and is normally good at it, and myself, a firepower loving headhunter. Those who don't understand how the skills work, your skills grow up to 98%, and you roll percentage and try to be under your skill. So 100 is critical failure.

DM: So you just bought, what, your 7th rifle?
Me: Yeah. (turning to the tech-wiz) Think you're handy enough to combine a couple of them? Make three or four barrels fire off one trigger?
Tech-wiz: (Mr. Burns finger tapping) Absolutely!
Rolls a 96 on a 56 skill
DM: You melt your work bench into a puddle of goo at your feet.
Tech-wiz: ...Guess I'll make a new work bench.
rolls a 99
DM: You destroy your metal supplies while trying to weld.
rolls 100
DM: You start hammering a wooden table leg to a flat wooden sheet and it somehow catches fire.
rolls 90
DM: You snap most of your wood supplies as you get frustrated.
rolls 96
DM: You try to hammer the broken pieces together and bend just about every nail you touch.
Tech-wiz: I curl into the fetal position in the corner and suck my thumb.
DM: Roll it because it's been funny so far. :D
Tech-wiz: :( rolls a 100
DM: You proceed to poke your right eye out with your thumb.
rolls 51
DM: Using the 4 least bent nails, 2 unbroken legs and a heavily cracked board, you made a table. It's pretty ugly.
Tech-wiz: (rushes the table out to me and offers it graciously)
Me: Wow... that's.. that's great, man. (places a hand on his shoulder) I think you should have the honor of taking it out back and shooting it.

[GuesssWho]

LOL Holy ****

[werepyre2327]

Oh boy do I have a story for ya!
My favorite Pathfinder campaign stories are as follows:

The DM had decided to use a modified version of explosive runes to destroy an entire town.The way we were supposed to counter it was to disrupt five different magic circles.

However rather than actually destroy the fifth one our parties mage decided to convert it to a smaller bomb that went off at his command.

Since he wanted to make sure the command word wouldn't be something an ordinary person would randomly say and accidentally destroyed part of the town with, he decided to go with "blue fluffy kitten"

That's when the ogre appeared . Keep in mind we were only level one at this point so an ogre was a little bit much for our scatterbrained party. That is of course until the overstepped directly on the rune, and the wizard said with a dead pan expression and a very serious tone of voice "blue fluffy kitten "

And that's why the freaking entire rest of that campaign, whenever that wizard got drunk he would start telling stories of the time he killed an ogre using a blue fluffy kitten.

It only got better from there though!

Now in this game, I was playing an overconfident Kineticist and my friend, who was DM , had a good sense of humor. So when I decided , as a joke, to fill in the spot for deity with "Himself" I got some good laughs.


Here's the thing:

Around level 5 we sneak into an enemy camp , witness a horrifying ritual and a battle way beyond us, inherit the power of a dying mythic tier creature and become mythic ourselves.

Now the party's paladin - played by another friend of mine- had been joking about converting to worship me as soon as I could provide spells. Thing is there's a mythical ability THAT LETS YOU DO EXACTLY THAT.

In the end I not only became my own god but my first archbishop was the party paladin.

By level 5

The game died out before I had a chance to punch Cthulhu , unfortunately.

These days I DM more than I play but the group composition is the same so expect more stories REAL SOON.

[GuesssWho]

So the lunacy game is still going. We have discovered an ancient ruin full of malfunctioning magitek robots named Stanley, walked into a zone of slow time, intimidated reality into changing for us, fought a plague doctor made out of string, met a wizard with a detached retina in his third eye who had died three days from now and collected multiple epic artifacts--all of it while still at level six or so.

[Tiadoppler]

Just found my old (3-4 years ago) text file of funny D&D things from my campaigns:

(Regarding burning down a church in the middle of Baldur's Gate with a wagon full of Alchemist's Fire)
Dragonborn Fighter: It was my IDEA, but it wasn't my FAULT... I didn't even get to help!


(Never split the party. The Ranger is alone in the woods)
Ranger: Are you a magical bear?
DM: The bear says no.

Ranger: I jump up into the tree. (Said with absolute certainty and conviction) Bears can't climb trees.

DM: The bear is ten feet directly below you, standing on the ground.
Ranger: Should I jump down?
DM: The bear nods and opens it's mouth.

DM: The bear is now right below you.
Ranger: I climb further up the tree.
DM: You're now thirty-five feet up. The bear makes a climb check.
DM: The bear is now thirty feet up.

Ranger: How high am I now?
DM: You're fifty feet up, and the bear is right below you.
Ranger: I just failed my balance check. I fall down.
DM: *after fall damage calculation* You now have exactly zero HP. You should have just jumped into the bear's mouth.


(Part of the same, split party)
DM: You've been waiting, lost and alone, in a snowstorm, for three hours, and you're really bored. What have you been doing?
Dragonborn Fighter: I've been running around, knocking over trees with my head and building a huge fort out of the logs. *rolls four or five massive Athletics checks*
DM: Huh. Yeah. Okay. You've built a large palisade fort by the side of the road.



(The Dragonborn had, several sessions ago, been Bluffed into thinking that the horse manure on the road was actually chocolate. Whenever he has to stop and think for a while:)
Dragonborn Fighter: I eat some road chocolate.



(Different group. This is another one of those 'never split the party' moments)
Tiefling Sorceress: Yeah, that hits. I'm bloodied.
DM: The red dragon grabs you in her claws and raises you off the ground.
Tiefling Sorceress: "I surrender. Just make it quick - I'm all tender and juicy." I go limp and try to look helpless and harmless *critical success Bluff*
DM: The dragon stops squeezing you with her talons and looks more closely at you.
Tiefling Sorceress: It stopped attacking me? I'm going to seduce it!
DM: That's not going to-
Tiefling Sorceress: *critical success Diplomacy*
DM: -okay, the dragon stares at you 'hungrily' and starts carrying you tenderly back into her lair.

Paladin: *athletics* I break down the door.
DM: You see a huge red dragon crouching over the helpless body of your best friend, who is dripping with blood.
Tiefling Sorceress: I wink and give a thumbs up.
Paladin: I roll my eyes and say "This again?"
Tiefling Sorceress: "I have a new title for my autobiography: The Things I Do for my Country."

(The red dragon became a recurring ally.)

[jscape2000]

Our low level party meets a sphinx guarding the exit from the enchanted tower; we needed a riddle or a snack. No one knows any riddles.

Short time later, the paladin dies (falling into an illusion pit trap.)

The party has found a snack for the sphinx, and we're able to leave. No one is sorry.

[Inevitability]

Just found my old (3-4 years ago) text file of funny D&D things from my campaigns:

(Regarding burning down a church in the middle of Baldur's Gate with a wagon full of Alchemist's Fire)
Dragonborn Fighter: It was my IDEA, but it wasn't my FAULT... I didn't even get to help!


(Never split the party. The Ranger is alone in the woods)
Ranger: Are you a magical bear?
DM: The bear says no.

Ranger: I jump up into the tree. (Said with absolute certainty and conviction) Bears can't climb trees.

DM: The bear is ten feet directly below you, standing on the ground.
Ranger: Should I jump down?
DM: The bear nods and opens it's mouth.

DM: The bear is now right below you.
Ranger: I climb further up the tree.
DM: You're now thirty-five feet up. The bear makes a climb check.
DM: The bear is now thirty feet up.

Ranger: How high am I now?
DM: You're fifty feet up, and the bear is right below you.
Ranger: I just failed my balance check. I fall down.
DM: *after fall damage calculation* You now have exactly zero HP. You should have just jumped into the bear's mouth.


(Part of the same, split party)
DM: You've been waiting, lost and alone, in a snowstorm, for three hours, and you're really bored. What have you been doing?
Dragonborn Fighter: I've been running around, knocking over trees with my head and building a huge fort out of the logs. *rolls four or five massive Athletics checks*
DM: Huh. Yeah. Okay. You've built a large palisade fort by the side of the road.



(The Dragonborn had, several sessions ago, been Bluffed into thinking that the horse manure on the road was actually chocolate. Whenever he has to stop and think for a while:)
Dragonborn Fighter: I eat some road chocolate.



(Different group. This is another one of those 'never split the party' moments)
Tiefling Sorceress: Yeah, that hits. I'm bloodied.
DM: The red dragon grabs you in her claws and raises you off the ground.
Tiefling Sorceress: "I surrender. Just make it quick - I'm all tender and juicy." I go limp and try to look helpless and harmless *critical success Bluff*
DM: The dragon stops squeezing you with her talons and looks more closely at you.
Tiefling Sorceress: It stopped attacking me? I'm going to seduce it!
DM: That's not going to-
Tiefling Sorceress: *critical success Diplomacy*
DM: -okay, the dragon stares at you 'hungrily' and starts carrying you tenderly back into her lair.

Paladin: *athletics* I break down the door.
DM: You see a huge red dragon crouching over the helpless body of your best friend, who is dripping with blood.
Tiefling Sorceress: I wink and give a thumbs up.
Paladin: I roll my eyes and say "This again?"
Tiefling Sorceress: "I have a new title for my autobiography: The Things I Do for my Country."

(The red dragon became a recurring ally.)

I suggest posting this in the Campaign Quotes thread.

[Tiadoppler]

Will do!

From the other day:

Context: in D&D 4e, Bards have an ability, Vicious Mockery, that allows them to injure their enemies by insulting them.




Bard: "You need to go brush your teeth... IN HELL!"

[Asha Leu]

From a 3.5 game back when I was in high school. Party was all roughly level 5-7 or so, fighting through a dungeon infested with fiendish creatures and minor demons.

DM: "Okay, you enter the next room. In the corner is a swirling magical portal. On the other side of the portal, you can see the Abyss. Some Balors and other immensely powerful demons are milling about in the distance. They don't seem to have noticed you."

Player: "I walk through the portal and start attacking demons."

DM: "You enter... the Abyss?"

Player: "Yeah."

DM: "Um. Okay. You walk through the portal and a Balor kills you. You are dead."

Later on, the player revealed that he had been getting bored of the game and just play some GTA.

[Crownrock]

I'm currently playing in one game as Skye, a human wizard who was raised by Gomes, and passionately hates goblins. On a recent mission, we teamed up with a large group of goblins that the whole party has grown to love. Out of character, I actually kind of liked these goblins too. The DM has given each one a lot of character, and each one is a lovable little scamp.

Well, for some reason in this game, Skye has been made the lead strategist in nearly every encounter, including this one. Staying in character, I convinced one goblin to let me tie his arms outstretched to a large branch, telling him that he would look like a scarecrow.
"A scarecrow? But they no crows, they bandits," he said.
"Exactly," I said. "You're my little scare bandit!"
I then put a sword in each of his hands, put a backpack filled with dry brush on his back, pointed him in the direction of the bandit camp, and lit him on fire, smacking him on the butt for extra incentive. He ran in to the camp, screaming "AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEE SCARE BANDIT SCARE BANDIT SCAAAAARE BANDIT!"

While he distracted the bandits, I sent the rest of the goblins in to attack and not a single one survived. But the dice are funny sometimes. The scare bandit, rolling at disadvantage with a -3 to his attacks, managed to kill more of the bandits than the other 10 goblins combined, and didn't take a single hit before the fire finally killed him.
As he toppled over, with his last breath, he uttered his last words... "Scare... Ban... Dit..."

I can't do justice in writing to my DM's skills as an actor. I was the only player at the table not crying, and only barely. The whole party was pissed at me, both in and out of character. Skye is not allowed to talk to goblins anymore.

[Jerrykhor]

Here's a funny TPK story. Just yesterday, my group was playing only our 2nd session of Hoard of the Dragon Queen. We were a party of 6, all of us were 4th level (we initially wanted to play Rise of Tiamat, but later changed our mind, and DM allowed us to keep our characters).

Combat was a breeze as expected. We killed a few cultists and reached the town that has an adult dragon in the sky. After killing more mobs, our Goliath Cleric used Thaumaturgy to loudly intimidate the cultists.... in Draconic. This prompted the dragon to come down and breath on us, dealing 12d10 damage.

It was real stupid of him, because he already yelled something in Draconic not long ago, and caught the Dragon's attention. My character also warned him of that what he did was most unwise. But he still said 'Its something my character would do'. A ****ing adult dragon is nearby and you still yell threats in Draconic?? I don't care if you have 8 int 8 wis, NOBODY would do that.

[No-Kill Cleric]

Let me tell you the tale of how my level 4 elf wizard became the Empress of China.

The campaign began, as all should, in the city library. An elderly human scholar was mounting an expedition to enter the MacGuffin Fortress. One of the local paladins, a tiefling adopted by dwarves, was assigned to him for his safety, and so followed him wherever he went. A fiery pirate captain came by, her flirty walk upset the paladin, and so he publicly shamed her and smashed the marble floor in his outrage. A dashing bard swept in to help, and was brought onto the team due to his love for stories and legends. The captain was reconciled and bribed with treasure, specifically whatever she needed to remove an enemy of hers. My wizard, forced into a "study abroad" program (which was more of a "go outside and don't come back for 100 years" program), was brought in with interest of magical research and discovery.

To gain access, we had to win the favor of the four lords of the island. The Western Queen immediately accepted, but we had to win the other three leaders over.

Many antics were had, with many pop culture references along the way. At one point, an alligator had plucked me off the northern beach, and with a Nat 1 from the DM for the alligators grapple, and a Nat 20 on my part, I wrenched opened its jaws and fired a firebolt down its throat. This feat earned me the only Inspiration Point awarded in the campaign. This will be important later.

Near the end of the campaign, we were deeply entrenched in gang politics in the eastern district. We were running out of sessions and going nowhere. To get the ball rolling again, the DM had an NPC finally be fed up with one of the gangs, a shadowy assassination group that kept power through intimidation. The party followed the NPC and helped him wipe out the entire organization. They used limited use vorpal weapons, and like any good party we plundered the loot. As I was a mere wizard, I picked up a crossbow and some vorpal bolts. We found that the assassin gang had successfully tunneled into the palace, so we took our opportunity. The Eastern Khan (leader of an entire continent, with his capital on the island) only valued power, so this was our chance to either remove him or win him over.

We made it to the throne room, where he, his niece, and his army of men and clay golems were in wait. The Khan began to give a grand speech about how we were ruining his perfect kingdom and what pests we were.

An idea came over my mind before the DM had even finished the first sentence of the speech.
I raised the crossbow, aimed at the Khan, and expended my Inspiration Point to roll a 20.

Pop.

His niece, shocked but pleasantly surprised, took the crown and began to rant about how her time had come at last.

She went down in three shots.

The human guards were furious, but the golems went stiff. The guards and our party fought fiercely, but I still had my idea. I dashed across the throne room to where the decapitated royals laid. I cleaned off the blood splatter, and instinctively placed the crown on my head. I figured that the Khan was controlling the golems through something on his person. I noticed a ring on his finger, and I slipped it onto my own.

10,000 voices greeted me as their master.

After most of the loyal guards were bested, the rest of the witnesses looked to me, the slayer of the previous Khan, and dubbed me the new Khan.

We successfully negotiated with the other leasers, opened the fortress, fought the boss, and everyone was rich and happy. The end.

As the empress of "China", I had many responsibilities. The bard, the expert face, and I consolidated power, and went on to construct many more clay golems to serve as robot labor to build schools throughout the empire.



And that's how two level four characters turned gang-ruled China into a Socialist Utopia through robot labor.

[Chuupag]

Playing 5e for the first time with wife and 5 year old daughter. I'm playing a dragon born cleric, wife a tiefling Ranger, and daughter a water genasi Bard.

I make up a crappy 1 off cave to get us to level 2 before starting the starter pack adventure as I've read it can be difficult with so low health. Last monster in the place is a lizard man.

Since I'm both DMing and playing I've saved my spells and attempt guiding bolts, rolls 1. Ranger runs into melee and misses. Bard throws a spear, rolls 20, crit does over half the lizard man's health. I attempt guiding bolts again...another 1. Ranger misses again. Bard uses vicious mockery and hits for high damage.

I'm out of spell slots now so I try poison spray as I took the nature domain. Lizard man rolls a 20 on his save and takes no damage. Ranger misses again, Bard hits with vicious mockery and hits high damage taking out the lizard man.

Was so hillarious that the Bard(the 5 year old) single handedly killed the 'boss' by insulting it while the Cleric miffs 3 spells in a row and the Ranger can't hit the broad side of a barn with her main or offhand short swords.

[arrowed]

In my current (and first) Pathfinder game, in which the party is in a badlands area full of monsters, and has been doing mostly outdoor quest stuff. I'm playing a rogue, and after setting up a kingdom the party decided to do some treasure hunting to help fund it. We ended up going to a pyramid in a desert. I was very excited because I'd be able to use all my trapfinding features. We got there, I rolled high on my perception and found a ton of traps around the entrance.
'OK, what do I use to disable them?'
'Disable Device'
'Yeah, but what's that under?'
'It's a skill.'
'... I don't have any ranks in it.'
Next session will be... interesting. Especially since the traps in the pyramid are self-repairing and occasionally move around.

[Inevitability]

In my current (and first) Pathfinder game, in which the party is in a badlands area full of monsters, and has been doing mostly outdoor quest stuff. I'm playing a rogue, and after setting up a kingdom the party decided to do some treasure hunting to help fund it. We ended up going to a pyramid in a desert. I was very excited because I'd be able to use all my trapfinding features. We got there, I rolled high on my perception and found a ton of traps around the entrance.
'OK, what do I use to disable them?'
'Disable Device'
'Yeah, but what's that under?'
'It's a skill.'
'... I don't have any ranks in it.'
Next session will be... interesting. Especially since the traps in the pyramid are self-repairing and occasionally move around.

Unless the traps repair within six seconds, I fail to see how this can't be solved with a barrel of rocks and a herd of goats.

[Wookieetank]

Unless the traps repair within six seconds, I fail to see how this can't be solved with a barrel of rocks and a herd of goats.

Or a bag of tricks.

[arrowed]

Or a bag of tricks.

Our necromancery cleric (known by the rest of the party as Edgelord) got stuck in a pit trap and stone shaped his way out. The trap repaired almost as soon as he got out.

[Wookieetank]

Our necromancery cleric (known by the rest of the party as Edgelord) got stuck in a pit trap and stone shaped his way out. The trap repaired almost as soon as he got out.

Does anyone in your party know stone to flesh? It'd make quick work of the entire pyramid, albeit messily.

[Barnjac17]

My Grandfather was playing AD&D a looking time ago and played a Human Fighter with an intelligence of 6 named Moosebane. The party was walking along a dungeon and Moosebane tripped over a tripwire but somehow didn't break the wire and trigger the trap.

So he proceeded to cut the wire with his great sword cause it made him fall on his face and he was pissed at it. Causing the roof to cave in, killing the illusionist.

[pokedude8888]

This just happened today. My friend was running a Pathfinder game for me and his brother. I was playing grug (Yes it is spelled with a lowercase) an orc Barbarian 3/Martial Artist Monk 2. Anyway, grug and his friend Jinx, (My friends brother, a dwarf barbarian) were sent into the underdark to shake up some sniverblem (The dark gnomes). They go down and run into some grub things, those are taken care of pretty quickly when the mother grub shows up. grug crits it and when it falls, he places his foot on it and announces, "grug is champion!", he rolls a charisma check, 0. He got a total of zero from his -2 charisma modifier. Then his boot tells him that he should get off the grub queen (it is intelligent) and he argues with it, prompting a weird look from one of the NPC's. They then take out the gnomes, and on the way up, they run into a group of kobolds.

Let me give some background about grug, he once ran into a horse, it hurt him so he killed it, and then he met a kobold that he accidentally killed.

He sees the kobolds and proceeds to yell, "No, don't kill kobold friends," A battle ensues and he punches one with non lethal, then he grapples one that started to rage, he walked away patting the kobold on the head saying, "there there kobold friend, grug make you happy," after giving him food, the kobold agreed to stay with him, and thus begins the tale of grug and Kobold friend.