My Little Pony LII: 525.600 Ponies!

[Pokonic]

Thanks, any ideas for Sabine's?

Probably a pair of bat wings with two red eye's between the wings.

[otakuryoga]

comic relating to Dr Who season opener
http://pixelkitties.deviantart.com/art/EGGS-325356480

[Deadly]

Comma splices are actually very simple. You can say "I ran. I escaped." You can also say "I ran; I escaped." But if you say "I ran, I escaped," then it's a comma splice. Joining two independent clauses (complete ideas) with only a comma is considered a no-no. There certainly are cases where I'd consider such a phrasing acceptable, but if it's a deal-breaker at EqD then it's certainly worth keeping in mind.

I know on a technical level what a comma splice is, I just can't seem to catch them, they slip right under my notice. Every time I think I've got most of them (and then some, to be certain) someone points out some more. That's why it frustrates me so.

I don't think it's actually missing, but I know people who would claim you need a comma between "said" and "while".

Not having read the story, I couldn't say much to the other issues.

Huh, well alright, if they want it they're gonna get it even if it seems wrong to me. Not like an extra comma is a big deal. Not like my perfectly made up word "untensed" which they didn't like either I thought it was a nice word, but I guess sacrifices must be made to get on EqD

[thubby]

Grammar Nazis needed

So I sent my story II off to EqD. I seem to get all the very strict prereaders who like to focus on punctuation and such other issues. It's so tedious

So I need help combing through the story. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Below are some specific issues I got in response, along with my own comments.

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What what? Anyone able to point out what "obnoxiously stacked descriptors" this might be refering to?



Ah! Comma splices! Please! Please! Please look for these especially! Comb every line! Let's remove every comma and replace it with full stops! Death to all sentences longer than 10 words!

Kidding, or course, but do look for them. Comma splices annoy me because worrying about them makes me remove lots of probably perfectly acceptable commas and replace them with full stops, resulting in very short lines and a story that reads in parts as if it was written for small children.

Worrying about these damn trivialities of punctuation really cramps my writing and turns it from something fluid and creative into a boring drudgery.

This is why there are editors, dammit![/rant!]



I'll be looking for these myself too, but if you notice any direct thoughts that aren't properly italicized or something, do let me know.



I can not for the life of me find any missing comma there. Anyone care to illuminate me?



I have no idea what that comment is trying to tell me. I wasn't aware that I was writing omniscient, as far as I'm aware everything so far has been strictly limited to Dash's perspective, only those things she knows or can observe. This particular case is definitely not omniscient, it's just Dash' personal opinion. I mean, 'It was breathtaking' isn't something you need to be omniscient to think.

Am I missing something there?

it's first week of classes here (oh the shenanigans), so I can't guarantee I'll get to it before like monday, but if you PM me the full response i can take a look.

[Deadly]

it's first week of classes here (oh the shenanigans), so I can't guarantee I'll get to it before like monday, but if you PM me the full response i cant take a look.

There isn't anything else in the response that I haven't already fixed myself. The points I posted above were the only things left that they specifically pointed out. Well, they did praise the story too, but that's not exactly something to fix

I probably won't wait until monday before I resubmit (I hope to have the next chapter finished by then), but if it's still not approved by then I'll certainly be happy for any help

[OracleofWuffing]

Got the John De Lancie voice message, he changed a couple words but it was great. Now I just need to find some file share site.

Mediafire and Sendspace are what I keep seeing, but I have a friend that's particularly biased towards Dropbox for some reason.

[Soras Teva Gee]

http://soundcloud.com/

Is a dedicated site for audio files. I run across it fairly often for pony music downloads.

[Kindablue]

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I have no idea what that comment is trying to tell me. I wasn't aware that I was writing omniscient, as far as I'm aware everything so far has been strictly limited to Dash's perspective, only those things she knows or can observe. This particular case is definitely not omniscient, it's just Dash' personal opinion. I mean, 'It was breathtaking' isn't something you need to be omniscient to think.

Am I missing something there?

I haven't read it, but I think the term they were looking for is free indirect speech. It's when the narrator definitely isn't the subject, but still expresses the subject's thoughts as their own. James Joyce used it a lot, as did Kafka. A careless writer could shift into first person perspective that way. Joyce also used commas like the store was almost out of them, and he wouldn't have put one in the he said while working example you gave, and neither would I.

[Deadly]

I haven't read it, but I think the term they were looking for is free indirect speech. It's when the narrator definitely isn't the subject, but still expresses the subject's thoughts as their own. James Joyce used it a lot, as did Kafka. A careless writer could shift into first person perspective that way. Joyce also used commas like the store was almost out of them, and he wouldn't have put one in the he said while working example you gave, and neither would I.

Ah, I think I see. Thanks. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong in this case. But I guess I'll try to change it somehow, just to keep them happy.

As for the comma, the full sentence is:

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“Welcome back to the land of the living,” he said, while working with something she couldn't see.

I can sort of see how it might make sense with the comma, but personally I think it's unnecessary. Probably just a matter of which style guide you swear by. I've added it now just to please them.

[Raz_Fox]

Everypony who may not remember it let me remind you of the joy that is Book Fortress:

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So I can share with the new part 2:

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Now with 20% more dancing Shining Armor

Oh my goodness. (Doesn't that seem like the kind of phrase that is desperately lacking a comma, but can't find the right place to put it in?) This is a very sweet little comic. Thank you for bringing it to our attention.

Although I must admit I probably would have gone straight for the running vault over the book fort if any of my siblings had tried to pull that on me.

[asdflove]

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Stupid Skeleton! Uhhhhggg! http://asdflove.deviantart.com/art/P...ykon-325366154

http://asdflove.deviantart.com/art/P...loak-325351301 Redcloak

MITD-http://asdflove.deviantart.com/art/M...fied-325332744

and The one and only Belkar Bitterleaf! http://asdflove.deviantart.com/art/P...-WAR-325000257

Out of the blue I show up with art. I love Ponifiying things.
http://asdflove.deviantart.com/art/H...fied-324734385
http://asdflove.deviantart.com/art/P...Elan-324688093
http://asdflove.deviantart.com/art/E...ddle-324748159

(Sorry That I just linked it, they are far too big to put here as an image, even in a spoiler box)

And now V. But I'm not super happy with this one. Not androgynous enough.
http://asdflove.deviantart.com/art/P...vius-324948639

Aaaand Roy's turn
http://asdflove.deviantart.com/art/P...-Roy-324959487

Durkon- http://asdflove.deviantart.com/art/P...rkon-324984292

http://asdflove.deviantart.com/art/Group-Shot-325193295 They be all together!

Nale:http://asdflove.deviantart.com/art/P...Nale-325503348

(Find the rest through here)

Sabine- (That mane... never again) http://asdflove.deviantart.com/art/P...bine-325531589

[BlasTech]

(Find the rest through here)

Sabine- (That mane... never again) http://asdflove.deviantart.com/art/P...bine-325531589

Wow. You're really churning those out lately O_O

She looks nice! (except, y'know, evil)

[SiuiS]

(Find the rest through here)

Sabine- (That mane... never again) http://asdflove.deviantart.com/art/P...bine-325531589

Man you're too good. These are so high quality the keep killing my browser!



Deadly, from the sounds of it the eqD pretender is just a dingus.

[Soras Teva Gee]

(Find the rest through here)

Sabine- (That mane... never again) http://asdflove.deviantart.com/art/P...bine-325531589

Like Sabine but backtracking... shouldn't Nale have the same coat as Elan?

Though that is an easy fix for a caster.

[asdflove]

Wow. You're really churning those out lately O_O

She looks nice! (except, y'know, evil)

Would it be weird if I said I find ponies easy to draw? Sabine's mane was difficult. because it is so many little parts to draw on Inkscape. It took like an hour. JUST FOR THE MANE!
And thanks.

[Kairaven]

Here you go ponies

Discord!!!

[Soras Teva Gee]

Here you go ponies

Discord!!!

Those were bits well spent there.

[asdflove]

Here you go ponies

Discord!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Awesome!

[Pokonic]

Here you go ponies

Discord!!!

Oh, it's just wonderful!

[asdflove]

Like Sabine but backtracking... shouldn't Nale have the same coat as Elan?

Though that is an easy fix for a caster.

I explained why I had them with different coat is the description of the deviation...

[Soras Teva Gee]

I explained why I had them with different coat is the description of the deviation...

Well beggin' yer pardon but ponies don't normally wear clothes

[asdflove]

Well beggin' yer pardon but ponies don't normally wear clothes

Why do you think they're not wearing clothes? I based the coat colors of the clothes because ponies don't normally wear clothes.

[Anarion]

Here you go ponies

Discord!!!

That is glorious.

[Maxtronaut]

Well beggin' yer pardon but ponies don't normally wear clothes

You know, if a pony who didn't happen to be wearing a hat made that statement, it would have a bit more merit.

[Colonel Fedora]

Trixie is a banana.

Embrace the madness.

[Soras Teva Gee]

Why do you think they're not wearing clothes? I based the coat colors of the clothes because ponies don't normally wear clothes.

Oh I do understand, just pointing out where I disagree is all. Those clothes have an at least reasonable chance of changing. I still love you work on all of them..

[thubby]

Trixie is a banana.

Embrace the madness.

...am i high?

[maximus25]

Trixie is a banana.

Embrace the madness.

What.

No seriously, what.

[Maxtronaut]

...am i high?

Thubby, we are all on drugs. :/

[One Tin Soldier]

Here you go ponies

Discord!!!

This gave me actual goosebumps.