Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

[AtlanteanTroll]

So which of them has decided to turn your life into a sitcom?

What do you mean, "turn"?

Seriously though, good luck with that. Especially since you say it's "several of them". Ouch.

Well, it can either go terribly, wonderfully, or nowhere. What do I have to lose?

[Coidzor]

^: Pack prophylactics. I recommend storing them in a secreted altoid's tin. The tin for protection and secreted for reasons of context.

Hopefully the last girl you posted about isn't going to be one of the co-conspirators. On the other hand, I'm not sure whether it'd be better or worse narratively speaking for them to be doing this solo or as a group.

I'm not sure if she knows what I want to talk about, considering I left it vague, but she did at least seem happy enough to get back in touch with me. I'm betting nothing yet, but it doesn't seem negative at least.

That's ok, as long as it's not so ominous sounding that she runs screaming into the night, that's what the metaconversation is for after all.

Not much sense in a conversation if you're making the voicemail into a letter of correspondence and grievance and suchlike.

*nod, nod* Makes sense. No reason to commit 100% to a path or anything right now. I need to remember that and quell my impulse to fix everything right away.

Ride easy, even.

Heh, I was going for a train sound. Darn English onomatopoeias

(and right on that it's a bad idea. I've learned that a single beer is enough to depress me, meaning I stay far away from alcohol for the time being)

Indeed, one rule of thumb I've found is that if there's any skeletons in one's closet, emotionally speaking, drinking will just bring 'em out in a most unpleasant, and potentially dangerous, way.

Thanks. I'll probably resume checking in from time to time now that my own relationship life has some clarity

silveryaylining!

[Morph Bark]

What do you mean, "turn"?

Well, it can either go terribly, wonderfully, or nowhere. What do I have to lose?

...I'd watch it. Too much of a sitcom fan.

You're right though. Unless you form strong emotional attachments very quickly (which is problematic since most people don't) or your friends insist or retry after retry, it can only get better.

Either way, you'll have a story to tell to people later on. "This one time, at a convention..."

[AtlanteanTroll]

Pack prophylactics. I recommend storing them in a secreted altoid's tin. The tin for protection and secreted for reasons of context.

My dad has bought my prophylactics. He seems to think I have far better luck with the ladies than I actually do. He's pretty sure that the last girl I posted about is my girlfriend and not just a girl friend. I keep telling him she isn't, but he just thinks I'm being modest.

Hopefully the last girl you posted about isn't going to be one of the co-conspirators. On the other hand, I'm not sure whether it'd be better or worse narratively speaking for them to be doing this solo or as a group.

... She is. I'm pretty her it was her idea, primarily speaking.

...I'd watch it. Too much of a sitcom fan.

I'm like 95% sure my love life is being televised to intergalactic over-worlders so all you have to do is jack their cable.

You're right though. Unless you form strong emotional attachments very quickly (which is problematic since most people don't) or your friends insist or retry after retry, it can only get better.

I don't. Although it wouldn't surprise me if they insisted on a few retries ... My main problem is, aside from mainly becoming attracted to people who are my good friends, is that once I get, ah, physical with a girl romantic feelings start to develop. Except they probably aren't actual feelings and just HEY-LETS-DO-THIS-AGAIN feelings, but I'm pretty sure that one isn't something that's exclusive to me.

Either way, you'll have a story to tell to people later on. "This one time, at a convention..."

I always have convention stories. It's just that this time they won't be half-hour game of Chinese hot hands related.

[Coidzor]

My dad has bought my prophylactics. He seems to think I have far better luck with the ladies than I actually do. He's pretty sure that the last girl I posted about is my girlfriend and not just a girl friend. I keep telling him she isn't, but he just thinks I'm being modest.

Well then, you already know about how they can be used as garrotes in a pinch and also double as potential balloons for celebrating their fail.

... She is. I'm pretty her it was her idea, primarily speaking.

Ah, in that case either you're doomed or things are going to get interesting.

I can only hope that you managed to get something approaching a straight answer out of her too.

I don't. Although it wouldn't surprise me if they insisted on a few retries ... My main problem is, aside from mainly becoming attracted to people who are my good friends, is that once I get, ah, physical with a girl romantic feelings start to develop. Except they probably aren't actual feelings and just HEY-LETS-DO-THIS-AGAIN feelings, but I'm pretty sure that one isn't something that's exclusive to me.

Something like that anyway, yeah. Usually taken care of in short order.

I always have convention stories. It's just that this time they won't be half-hour game of Chinese hot hands related.

How dirty sounding.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Well then, you already know about how they can be used as garrotes in a pinch and also double as potential balloons for celebrating their fail.

Middle school kids know how they double as balloons.

Ah, in that case either you're doomed or things are going to get interesting.

Well, she wants me to succeed, for all that's worth. If it's doomed it'll because of me. Probably.

I can only hope that you managed to get something approaching a straight answer out of her too.

I haven't gotten a single detailed straight answer from her, but basically it boils down to that one night she was lonely and wanted cuddles. Except she's been single for a bit and then that turned into wanting more than cuddles. She's come over to watch movies twice since then and they've just been cuddles.

Something like that anyway, yeah. Usually taken care of in short order.

Define short. Because oddly enough while I did have a good time with the aforementioned girl on "more than cuddles" night, I find myself oddly un-attracted to her. She's good looking, we share a lot of interests (this stupid quiz she made me take indicates we're so called "perfect matches"), and she's good a friend--meaning I've got at least a minor crush on her ... But ... IDK. Nothing more. It's odd. I shouldn't question it.

How dirty sounding.

All I can say about the matter is that by the end of it, both my and my opponent's hands were bleeding. The only reason we quit is because our arms went numb.

[Coidzor]

Middle school kids know how they double as balloons.

Yes, but I know better than to underestimate the gaps that can form in a person's knowledge set. No, I really don't, always doing it, you see.

Well, she wants me to succeed, for all that's worth. If it's doomed it'll because of me. Probably.

Well, your gameness is certainly one thing, but, well, karma and dramatic necessity suggest that she's going to be a chekhov's gun of one sort or another.

I haven't gotten a single detailed straight answer from her, but basically it boils down to that one night she was lonely and wanted cuddles. Except she's been single for a bit and then that turned into wanting more than cuddles. She's come over to watch movies twice since then and they've just been cuddles.

Sounds like you haven't quite gotten a straight answer but one that'll do for now, I suppose.

Define short. Because oddly enough while I did have a good time with the aforementioned girl on "more than cuddles" night, I find myself oddly un-attracted to her. She's good looking, we share a lot of interests (this stupid quiz she made me take indicates we're so called "perfect matches"), and she's good a friend--meaning I've got at least a minor crush on her ... But ... IDK. Nothing more. It's odd. I shouldn't question it.

That je ne sais quoi is important. C'est la guerre. At least in the timeline where she falls over herself confessing her feelings for you while you're both soaking wet, after a hilarious set of misadventures involving a bunch of yugioh abridged cosplayers, the girl she was trying to set you up with, and the hotel room above yours flooding quite catastrophically, you'll be able to let her down gently, I suppose.

All I can say about the matter is that by the end of it, both my and my opponent's hands were bleeding. The only reason we quit is because our arms went numb.

That's a good saturday night, right there.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Yes, but I know better than to underestimate the gaps that can form in a person's knowledge set. No, I really don't, always doing it, you see.

You're so out of touch with kids these days.

Well, your gameness is certainly one thing, but, well, karma and dramatic necessity suggest that she's going to be a chekhov's gun of one sort or another.

How so, my good man?

Sounds like you haven't quite gotten a straight answer but one that'll do for now, I suppose.

Indeed. I'm not really expecting a straight answer anytime soon if ever. And what I have gathered makes enough sense, I suppose.

That je ne sais quoi is important. C'est la guerre. At least in the timeline where she falls over herself confessing her feelings for you while you're both soaking wet, after a hilarious set of misadventures involving a bunch of yugioh abridged cosplayers, the girl she was trying to set you up with, and the hotel room above yours flooding quite catastrophically, you'll be able to let her down gently, I suppose.

1: No hotels rooms, we're driving in and out for all the days. Although some friends have a room...
2: True enough. But in the same timeline I might as well just give it a shot, because who knows. Even if it hasn't moved on from a small crush, it wouldn't hurt. I want to get some actual GF experience before college.

That's a good saturday night, right there.

You have no idea.

[Coidzor]

You're so out of touch with kids these days.

Kids today, they just don't understand what the jazz is all about.

How so, my good man?

Well, there was the event (DO NOT THINK ABOUT THE EVENT) and all, and then setting up such a classic scenario and being involved with plotting it. Just stands to reason that something's going to happen that'll be screwy.

1: No hotels rooms, we're driving in and out for all the days. Although some friends have a room...
2: True enough. But in the same timeline I might as well just give it a shot, because who knows. Even if it hasn't moved on from a small crush, it wouldn't hurt. I want to get some actual GF experience before college.

Trust me, if things get hilariously misadventurey enough, there's going to be at least one hotel room involved and certainly there's at least one destroyed with every decent convention. Usually they're quite good about getting up all the blood but sometimes they forget to hide all of the scratchmarks and gouges in the bathtubs.

C'est la vie, I suppose. There's infinite simultaneous timelines where we're doing the hokey pokey right now anyway.

You have no idea.

Sadly. T_T

[AtlanteanTroll]

Well, there was the event (DO NOT THINK ABOUT THE EVENT) and all, and then setting up such a classic scenario and being involved with plotting it. Just stands to reason that something's going to happen that'll be screwy.

Sure, sure. But things can go good screwy. Right? ... RIGHT?

Trust me, if things get hilariously misadventurey enough, there's going to be at least one hotel room involved and certainly there's at least one destroyed with every decent convention. Usually they're quite good about getting up all the blood but sometimes they forget to hide all of the scratchmarks and gouges in the bathtubs.

I almost wish we would have gotten a hotel room, but that would've been really screwy. It's basically been decided that, whatever happens, it'll go one of two basic ways. It'll be amazing like years past, or we'll all hate one another by the end of the night. The con group consists of eight people.

1. Me. Y'all know me.
2. Julie, the aforementioned girl. Her idea to "get me a girl."
3. Helen, the girl I was attracted to months ago, she's nuts. Will almost certainly have no interest in helping me "get a girl."
4. Mary, she and Helen almost had a thing, she Julie, and myself have been hanging out a lot. She's Julie's #2 in "get me a girl."
5. Tam, Tam is not crazy, Tam is a normal girl. Will probably be shanghaied into Julie's "get me a girl" plan.
6. Van, he and Julie had a mini-hook up last year. He's sort of a kleptomaniac, but an otherwise alright guy.
7. Curly, Curly's a fun dude and he and I were both after Helen for a long time. Is a dance God.
8. Dan, Dan is a drunken stoner who the girls and I all try to avoid, but he had a mini-hook up with Tam last year and he shows up sometimes.

Tam, Julie, Helen, Mary, and myself all go to school together. Van, Curly, and Dan all live elsewhere and we only see them at cons, basically. No idea why I felt the need to relate this, but I did. Woop.

[Coidzor]

Sure, sure. But things can go good screwy. Right? ... RIGHT?

Well, that depends on whether I'm a good kind of screwy or just screwy. I think you might get some hijinks that work out well in the longshot game, but it's unlikely that things going pearshaped is going to end up well even compared to the slim margins of success without getting pearshaped.

I almost wish we would have gotten a hotel room, but that would've been really screwy. It's basically been decided that, whatever happens, it'll go one of two basic ways. It'll be amazing like years past, or we'll all hate one another by the end of the night. The con group consists of eight people.

1. Me. Y'all know me.
2. Julie, the aforementioned girl. Her idea to "get me a girl."
3. Helen, the girl I was attracted to months ago, she's nuts. Will almost certainly have no interest in helping me "get a girl."
4. Mary, she and Helen almost had a thing, she Julie, and myself have been hanging out a lot. She's Julie's #2 in "get me a girl."
5. Tam, Tam is not crazy, Tam is a normal girl. Will probably be shanghaied into Julie's "get me a girl" plan.
6. Van, he and Julie had a mini-hook up last year. He's sort of a kleptomaniac, but an otherwise alright guy.
7. Curly, Curly's a fun dude and he and I were both after Helen for a long time. Is a dance God.
8. Dan, Dan is a drunken stoner who the girls and I all try to avoid, but he had a mini-hook up with Tam last year and he shows up sometimes.

Tam, Julie, Helen, Mary, and myself all go to school together. Van, Curly, and Dan all live elsewhere and we only see them at cons, basically. No idea why I felt the need to relate this, but I did. Woop.

Well, something's going to happen. History abhors an anticlimax.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Well, that depends on whether I'm a good kind of screwy or just screwy. I think you might get some hijinks that work out well in the longshot game, but it's unlikely that things going pearshaped is going to end up well even compared to the slim margins of success without getting pearshaped.

Who says anything needs to go pearshaped in the first place though?

Well, something's going to happen. History abhors an anticlimax.

It also abhors people trying to invade Russia.

[Morph Bark]

Tam, Julie, Helen, Mary, and myself all go to school together. Van, Curly, and Dan all live elsewhere and we only see them at cons, basically. No idea why I felt the need to relate this, but I did. Woop.

So basically, normally you're the guy in the group of girls.

That's basically what things have turned out like for me lots of times, except in highschool. Elementary school? Me, my best friend (a guy I actually bullied at first) and five girls. University? During Philosophy it was me, this older guy I hung out with a rare few times who was pretty charismatic (but who did the study in record time and was prettymuch out after a year and a half) and three girls. During Psychology it was me, this girl I was interested in and two other girls (actually two different groups, both with the same make-up, one in year one, one in year two).

During highschool, it was a lot different. Except during trips, like the week-long hike through Luxemburg (I was too enthusiastic with climbing and thus ended up being the only guy with major blisters; plus I was the first to leap into a river to go swimming, only being following by one guy and four girls, the rest was too wussy) or the week in Greece (hung out a lot with different people over the course of it and got major props for keeping a journal of the trip, including costs of stuff, quotes from people and a list of Wild West-themed nicknames; on this trip I also found out the benefit of hanging out with girls on trips, even if they're just your friends or semi-strangers: extra food!).

Man, thinking back on everything like that makes me think about how different I would've been if my two best friends hadn't moved away in my first year of school. I would've undoubtedly been a proto-stereotypical jock.

It also abhors people trying to invade Russia.

I have invaded Russia. She was nice woman.

[AtlanteanTroll]

So basically, normally you're the guy in the group of girls.

More and more so. The group of dudes I hung out with since Freshman year's been through some crap. One of the dudes moved away, one goes to online school, one I've just never been that close to, I got into a fight with one, and several went on to college. The girls I hang out with now are the female "side" of that group, and everyone gets together for big events, but yeah. Not to say I don't hang out with the guys, but I hang out with girls more regularly now.

That's basically what things have turned out like for me lots of times, except in highschool. Elementary school? Me, my best friend (a guy I actually bullied at first) and five girls. University? During Philosophy it was me, this older guy I hung out with a rare few times who was pretty charismatic (but who did the study in record time and was prettymuch out after a year and a half) and three girls. During Psychology it was me, this girl I was interested in and two other girls (actually two different groups, both with the same make-up, one in year one, one in year two).

During highschool, it was a lot different. Except during trips, like the week-long hike through Luxemburg (I was too enthusiastic with climbing and thus ended up being the only guy with major blisters; plus I was the first to leap into a river to go swimming, only being following by one guy and four girls, the rest was too wussy) or the week in Greece (hung out a lot with different people over the course of it and got major props for keeping a journal of the trip, including costs of stuff, quotes from people and a list of Wild West-themed nicknames; on this trip I also found out the benefit of hanging out with girls on trips, even if they're just your friends or semi-strangers: extra food!).

And which have you preferred? Also, yes. The food thing is so true. I go out to eat with most any of them and something is always failed to be eaten on their part.

Man, thinking back on everything like that makes me think about how different I would've been if my two best friends hadn't moved away in my first year of school. I would've undoubtedly been a proto-stereotypical jock.

Ah, the life you would've lead, eh?

I have invaded Russia. She was nice woman.

Congratulations to you sir for succeeding where Napoleon and Hitler failed.

[Coidzor]

Who says anything needs to go pearshaped in the first place though?


It also abhors people trying to invade Russia.

The Spirit of Comedy, mostly. Dramatic timing for another. I didn't say it had to, just that if you do have misadventures then it's likely not going to be pearshaped in a good way.

No, that's Nature. History just owes Nature a few favors and so helps out.

[Morph Bark]

And which have you preferred? Also, yes. The food thing is so true. I go out to eat with most any of them and something is always failed to be eaten on their part.

Ultimately? While I enjoyed hanging out with the girls, half the time it was primarily because I liked one of them (half those times also knowing they liked me back). Heck, if you'd count elementary school puppy love as a relationship, I had my first one with one of those girls, albeit short-lived (I forgot if it was two weeks or two days though, something to do with her parents disapproving of her hanging out with me).

Curiously enough, after I had a falling out with both groups of girls at Psychology, I hung out more with the guys and gals from the Psychology student union of that university, and those girls never failed to eat everything they ordered. One was even a major KFC fan. She was the skinniest of the bunch (though she was the tallest). It was a whole new world for me.

Ah, the life you would've lead, eh?

Indeed. Though if I had the chance for a do-over of some things, I probably would put my start at the end of highschool. My university years ultimately proved fun, but I didn't really do anything or form any lasting relationships during the first two years, and the last two years I learned a lot (mostly that Philosophy is really not my thing after all and I hate some of the teachers, whose methods made it impossible for me to pass their subjects) and were even more fun and did have a lot of interaction with other people, but overall those four years were mostly just wasting my grant until I discovered I should be doing science.

...I've probably gone a bit too much off the rails here, but I guess knowing such things gives valuable subtext in knowing a person and thus what kind of relationships theirs are like (or what they want them to be like), I guess? And I just noticed I used "I guess" twice in that sentence for the same thing. Drat.

Congratulations to you sir for succeeding where Napoleon and Hitler failed.

Spasibo.

[Form]

Bah, I want someone to rant at. Through pm preferably.

[Morph Bark]

Feel free to.

Though with me you might have to be sure not to drop names of places, considering we live in the same country and it's pretty darn small.

[hawkboy772042]

My last girlfriend was about 5 years older than me and I've never thought twice about dating a girl that was older than me (I still wouldn't go more than 10 years). My question comes to rather when I flirt with an older girl and she makes a big deal about the age difference, how do I deflect the issue?

[noparlpf]

My last girlfriend was about 5 years older than me and I've never thought twice about dating a girl that was older than me (I still wouldn't go more than 10 years). My question comes to rather when I flirt with an older girl and she makes a big deal about the age difference, how do I deflect the issue?

Brush it off and change the subject.

[dehro]

Brush it off and change the subject.

or go the opposite route and confront her with it once and for all.. in a "listen, it's not a problem for me. if it is for you then make up your mind whether it's still worth it or not. When you do, I hope you will see it my way." sort of manner.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Bah, I want someone to rant at. Through pm preferably.

I'm game for a good rant! Have at me, if you still need to...

[Jay R]

My last girlfriend was about 5 years older than me and I've never thought twice about dating a girl that was older than me (I still wouldn't go more than 10 years). My question comes to rather when I flirt with an older girl and she makes a big deal about the age difference, how do I deflect the issue?

Don't bother. It clearly matters to her, so you two aren't compatible. Walk away and find somebody to flirt with who enjoys your flirtation.

[Glass Mouse]

Don't bother. It clearly matters to her, so you two aren't compatible. Walk away and find somebody to flirt with who enjoys your flirtation.

Sorta this. Sometimes people freak out over silly things. But if you've talked it out, you have calmly, confidently and non-pressurely laid out your opinion, and she still thinks it's a big deal... walk away. It's okay for age to be a deal breaker.

I vote "talk about it", incidentally. If it's a genuine concern, you do not want to be that jerk who brushes it off, and if it's a minor concern, the talk will be quick and painless. No way to lose

Edit: Also, make sure to listen. You may have decided that it's not a big deal, but she obviously still has concerns that need adressing, and the age thing may even be a shorthand for another problem (like, "I can't date someone in college because that's too different a stage of life" or "my last SO was much younger, and that gave so much trouble, and I don't want that again" or anything else!). So, listen and adress rather than try to convince. Nobody likes feeling dismissed or pressured.

Good luck!

[Morph Bark]

Alternatively, don't spill your age and look or act older.

When I don't shave, strangers apparently think I look 17. At the same time, guessing by personality alone, there have been people who have thought I was any adult age up to 30.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Alternatively, don't spill your age and look or act older.

When I don't shave, strangers apparently think I look 17. At the same time, guessing by personality alone, there have been people who have thought I was any adult age up to 30.

I've always been assumed to be around 26 since I started having facial hair...and I used to have very long hair. When I was 16, people thought I was upper 20's.

[noparlpf]

The oldest I've been mistaken for (except for by children) was twenty-two; I'm eighteen.
In my experience even if you tell somebody you're several years younger, if you brush off the issue when it's brought up directly and just act older the rest of the time, it should work out. Apparently though that's considered a bad idea, and I'm just lucky that way?

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The oldest I've been mistaken for (except for by children) was twenty-two; I'm eighteen.
In my experience even if you tell somebody you're several years younger, if you brush off the issue when it's brought up directly and just act older the rest of the time, it should work out. Apparently though that's considered a bad idea, and I'm just lucky that way?

I've pretended to be older and got found out and she never spoke to me again. I recommend to open as honest, but be communicative about it. Communication generally denotes maturity.

[AtlanteanTroll]

When I don't shave, strangers apparently think I look 17. At the same time, guessing by personality alone, there have been people who have thought I was any adult age up to 30.

I've been mistaken for 50 going by personality alone...

In a completely unrelated area, would it be *bad* to ask out the girl who was all sexy times two weeks ago and said she was going "get me a girl" next month?

I realize that is a really vague question.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

I've been mistaken for 50 going by personality alone...

The scary part is now I'm catching up with the age people continually thought I was (25 now).

In a completely unrelated area, would it be *bad* to ask out the girl who was all sexy times two weeks ago and said she was going "get me a girl" next month?

I realize that is a really vague question.

An intriguing pick up line for her might be something like: If you are so keen on "getting me a girl", would you be interested in BEING that girl?

Although, perhaps this mission is inspired by the events that transpired? Perhaps she feels bad about it and wants you to have more than she has to offer at this time?